Not sure if this is a money question or relationship question.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - first, we don’t take home 15K a month. The nature of his job means that he brings home a guaranteed $4k/month and I bring home a guaranteed $3845 per pp (so $8.3k/month). The rest is bonuses, which are not guaranteed (and because he isn’t working too hard at work, his bonuses are more iffy). Our mortgage is $4K. Also while we give $500 to his mother and bother, that will increase and we also pay for plane tickets and hotels for them to visit us 2-3x a year. Also again, we didn’t have these salaries most of our marriage. Historically we were probably right below $200k.

We have some fairly costly home maintenance project that we have to save for. We also need a new car.

The guys trips are long weeks, so plane ride, hotel, dinner and excursions. I think the last one was $1500.

I think a prior poster hit the nail on the head when she said one of my frustrations is that my H doesn’t see/understand our financial picture. He has Mint so he sees all our accounts, but he doesn’t get our in and out expenses. I have tried to show him everything and explain it but he just doesn’t get it. He literally told me if he won $1M he could retire tomorrow.

I also think his focus on the boys weekends just makes part of me sad. The last time it came up, we were talking about him and I going away for a long weekend and things weren’t great at his job so we didn’t go. But a month later he wanted to fly to Portland for a guys weekend.

But again, it’s this sudden idea that he get his $45k back that frustrates me. He is obsessed with what money is his in the marriage and what is mine, even though his retirements accounts are higher than mine because he started maxing before me. And he doesn’t count all my parents gifts to us in his calculations.

This is not an expensive trip. My god, all this drama over that?

[Anonymous]

OP here, I wrote a long post and could not post it. I am trying again.

1. He walked back the $45k thing after we talked last night. He said he was frustrated over the guys trip thing.

2. We agreed he will go on the next trip, but will talk further about how often he will go after that until our budget is better. I should add that his friends put a lot of pressure on him when he doesn’t do these trip. They can be jerks about it. Also the trip are usually camping, breweries, sports games. No hookers and blow.

3. We are going to talk to our financial advisor about our retirement and savings goals. I am hopeful a third party can help him see that our goals are reasonable and his are not. By that, I mean I want to pay for in state undergrad, have a home maintenance fund, be able to pay for two family vacations a year and save enough for retirement to have 60% of our income using the 4% rule. Again he thought a $1M lottery win was enough for him to retire tomorrow (we are younger parents so we have about 14 years left before retirement).

I also keep a detailed excel of incoming and outgoing expenses which I am going to sit down and go over with him. One of his other complaints is that we keep making more and don’t get ahead. Except we are only making more because I am making more. He is making less. And inflation/college costs are a impactful.

4. $4k is after taxes. I think I mentioned that already. He made about 38% of our income last year when bonuses were factored in.

5. As noted previously, my parents are generous with him because he has really helped them on a weekly basis for the last several years with caretaking responsibilities. I know he is coming off horrible on these posts but he is not a bad person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here - first, we don’t take home 15K a month. The nature of his job means that he brings home a guaranteed $4k/month and I bring home a guaranteed $3845 per pp (so $8.3k/month). The rest is bonuses, which are not guaranteed (and because he isn’t working too hard at work, his bonuses are more iffy). Our mortgage is $4K. Also while we give $500 to his mother and bother, that will increase and we also pay for plane tickets and hotels for them to visit us 2-3x a year. Also again, we didn’t have these salaries most of our marriage. Historically we were probably right below $200k.

We have some fairly costly home maintenance project that we have to save for. We also need a new car.

The guys trips are long weeks, so plane ride, hotel, dinner and excursions. I think the last one was $1500.

I think a prior poster hit the nail on the head when she said one of my frustrations is that my H doesn’t see/understand our financial picture. He has Mint so he sees all our accounts, but he doesn’t get our in and out expenses. I have tried to show him everything and explain it but he just doesn’t get it. He literally told me if he won $1M he could retire tomorrow.

I also think his focus on the boys weekends just makes part of me sad. The last time it came up, we were talking about him and I going away for a long weekend and things weren’t great at his job so we didn’t go. But a month later he wanted to fly to Portland for a guys weekend.

But again, it’s this sudden idea that he get his $45k back that frustrates me. He is obsessed with what money is his in the marriage and what is mine, even though his retirements accounts are higher than mine because he started maxing before me. And he doesn’t count all my parents gifts to us in his calculations.

This is not an expensive trip. My god, all this drama over that?

That was the last one several years ago, so I am sure it will increase. Also it’s 1-2 per year. I appreciate you feel like that’s nothing, but we also easily spend $8-9K a year on his family. And the drama is because his reaction was to claim we should in-commingle his inheritance. That was not cool. Even he admits that.

[Anonymous]

Your husband seems dense tbh and you seem to be pretty tight with finances.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your husband seems dense tbh and you seem to be pretty tight with finances.

+1 but I believe op. Their income is 300k and her dh is desperate to have 2x/year guys trips any way he can get it, even if that means justifying this "big inheritance" to be reallocated to guys trip money so op will let him go. I think op is being smart about budgeting but resentful about his determination for spending on those trips over making any plans with her. He is dim and she is frustrated! I'm sure he is dim enough to consider divorce but smart enough to know it doesn't do him any favors to bail out any time soon so I don't think this is about getting ducks in a row on his part. Pps fail to understand the draw of the guys trip on certain types of men. I know another high earning woman whose dh will insist their lives revolve around his guys trips. He makes much less but does the big spending on fun adventures fishing, glamping, hunting with the best equipment and its not about illicit affairs though I can see how a reasonable spouse would find the spending and time allotment obscene. He is being petulant and completely blind to op's desire to spend money and time with him on their own vacation. Op should take a big lavish trip on her own but they make 300k with family to support, tuitions and more. This just sucks all around, and the big issue is the dh's lack of comprehension on several issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP -

To answer three questions:

1. His income is $4K/month after taxes.
2. This isn’t one trip. It’s 1-2 per year. Also I had a typo earlier, the trips are long weekends. The last one that he did not got to because of work was in February.
3. This isn’t divorce planning. His dad left his mom after an affair and it ruined his childhood and left them in near poverty. He lives in fear of divorce.

I’ve also explained to him that even if we took the remainder of the $45k from our joint accounts, they are still commingled assets. Just like I explain that our retirement accounts are marital property since both were created only immediately before we were married.

As also mentioned, he is in my parents will. He will get $200k.

Ugh OP. This is looking more and more like him getting his ducks in a row for divorce. His dad having an affair and leaving his mom in poverty makes him MORE likely to do it, not less.

Why on earth is he in your parents will??? It sounds like you and your parents have been complete doormats and he's been using you to financially support his desires and his family while he gives less and less and takes more and more.

WAKE UP!!! There's no non-nefarious reason for him to want you to give him $45K for his own personal use. There's no justification for it since he already spent it, but there also wouldn't be if he didn't spend it since he uses your money. The best case scenario is that he's continuing to use you to finance whatever he wants and treating you much worse than he demands that you treat him.

Who the $%^& is this raging narcissist to have both you and your parents believe that he should be revered and your role is to treat him above you while you pay for it? OP, you truly need therapy to learn to value yourself. Do this for your child if not for yourself. Don't raise them the way your parents raised you.

Because he has done a lot for them. My dad is very ill and he has gone over, by himself, a couple hours a week to help care for him for the last few years. So regardless of anything else my parents want to recognize that.

He is doing it for the $, OP, surely you and your parents can grasp that at this point? With his behavior and family history, I'd get an aggressive lawyer and get ready to file. That is when assets can be reallocated.

+1 OP and her parents are missing some major red flags here.

[Anonymous]

Why is he so available for these trips but never making time for a couple trip? His reasoning to take back the 45k doesn't make the financial sense he thinks. This is little kid reasoning.

[Anonymous]

Everyone I know who married a man whose father had walked out have ALL ended up divorced, no matter how much they swore they would never be like Dad. In his mind if your kids are grown, he is not doing the same thing.

Wake up and smell the coffee, OP. He is less and less invested in the family, earning dramatically less, while wanting $ to go to support his family and his trips. He is a taker and you and your parents have enabled him.

If you are still married after you inherit and comingle funds, I for one will be SHOCKED. He does not love you, he uses you and your parents for cash. After they die he can get 1/2 if comingled and his freedom. If they said they were leaving it all to ASPCA he'd leave sooner.

How did your parents get to be so wealthy while being so naive?

And why do you talk about "our" vs. "his" financial plans. There is no "our."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Everyone I know who married a man whose father had walked out have ALL ended up divorced, no matter how much they swore they would never be like Dad. In his mind if your kids are grown, he is not doing the same thing.

Wake up and smell the coffee, OP. He is less and less invested in the family, earning dramatically less, while wanting $ to go to support his family and his trips. He is a taker and you and your parents have enabled him.

If you are still married after you inherit and comingle funds, I for one will be SHOCKED. He does not love you, he uses you and your parents for cash. After they die he can get 1/2 if comingled and his freedom. If they said they were leaving it all to ASPCA he'd leave sooner.

How did your parents get to be so wealthy while being so naive?

And why do you talk about "our" vs. "his" financial plans. There is no "our."

Wow, you have some serious baggage to make this assertion based on what OP has shared.

[Anonymous]

This whole fact pattern is so strange. You use Mint. You track your budget. You should be able to save to go on vacations -- both together and separately with friends. The $45,000 is a red herring and he's only bringing it up to try to separate his money from yours for when he leaves you.

Don't give him $45,000.

Sit down and talk with him about your goals and start saving so you can take some trips.

Maybe stop sending money to his mom and brother.

[Anonymous]

He's a jerk and this type of thing is why I am not married. HOWEVER,

If you plan to stay married to him, and
You truly think you will inherit adequate resources

Then just give him what he wants to keep the peace and make your own life easier.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Everyone I know who married a man whose father had walked out have ALL ended up divorced, no matter how much they swore they would never be like Dad. In his mind if your kids are grown, he is not doing the same thing.

Wake up and smell the coffee, OP. He is less and less invested in the family, earning dramatically less, while wanting $ to go to support his family and his trips. He is a taker and you and your parents have enabled him.

If you are still married after you inherit and comingle funds, I for one will be SHOCKED. He does not love you, he uses you and your parents for cash. After they die he can get 1/2 if comingled and his freedom. If they said they were leaving it all to ASPCA he'd leave sooner.

How did your parents get to be so wealthy while being so naive?

And why do you talk about "our" vs. "his" financial plans. There is no "our."

+1 The part that I don't understand is why her parents are leaving $200K directly to OP's husband. If they're staying married, then just leave it to OP. Plus he's visiting OP's dad for 2 hours per week in exchange for hundreds of thousands per year to support his family and his hobbies, plus $200K directly to him when OP's parents die. He's not visiting some poor relation out of altruism. It's really weird for OP's parents to leave the money to the SIL. This whole situation is very fishy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:sorry, this is definitely a relationship question. while inheritances are not marital property, neither are gifts made explicitly to an individual spouse.

you commingled the gifts from your parents, and he commingled his inheritance, but he appears to be wanting to walk back just the latter, by having you "give" him money to an account in his name only. BUT! Gifts given to you by your spouse (and vise-versa) during the course of your marriage are marital property and are subject to equitable distribution anyway.

Personally, I'd have a strong suspicion that the friends he wants to travel with fall into the "with benefits" category. No, he is not right, and you should not "pay him back."

All of this. Your husband sucks.

[Anonymous]

Your husband is wrong, but so are you.

I would hate it if my husband lorded over me that he made more money and I had to beg for and forgo fun things and feel like I don't deserve fun because I earn less than him. My husband is more career and job focused than I am. We make the same salary now, but I can see that changing in the future if he continues being career focused and I do more with our kids.

I think you should plan for him to go on a guys trip and for you two to take a trip together. If you think you can't afford it, travel seems important enough to both of you that you should probably look at where you can cut back to make it happen. I don't see how you can live feeling like this long term and stay married.

Seriously, $1,500 isn't worth all this anguish.

[Anonymous]

Why do you and your husband support his mom and brother?