Not sure if this is a money question or relationship question.
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Anonymous
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It’s probably both.
In the beginning of my marriage, H made more than me. This was made possible by three things: my job benefits, my job flexibility and my parent’s gifts (probably $80k over 20 years plus housing during school). He has also admittedly taken a back seat in his career and his salary has decreased, while mine went way up (80% increase in 6 years). Note: this sounds like a lot but our HHI is $300k, which is great but not insanely high. I stand to inherit millions, even under the worst case scenario - my parents are rigid and conservative with their money - and my mom is in very good health. Best case I expect to inherit the money in my late 60s at the earliest. We save like that won’t happen to be safe, which he thinks is overkill. But also under the worst case scenario, we will financially support his mother and likely brother (and already pay for certain expenses). He told me he wants to reallocate his inheritance (already commingled to pay for certain house upgrades he wanted and to bulk up our emergency fund for his job) to a fund for himself so he can go travel with his friends. Please note that we do not travel together yet, because we are just getting to the point where that is really possible. We do family vacations, and I hope with decreased expenses and my increased income, we can travel in the next 1-2 years. So basically with my next promotion, he wants me to start paying him back for his inheritance. All $45k. He said that although I intend to use any inheritance to our future benefit, the accounts are in my name until the funds are allocated for a mutual benefit, he sees no benefit. (Side note: my parents are also allocating $200k directly to my husband). I am frustrated. I don’t think he sees the full financial picture. I am aggravated that after decreasing his salary by 40% and admittedly taking an easier path, I have to pay him back. I am also frustrated that he fails to see everything my family has already given or how much his mom/brother cost us. If I try to discuss these things he shuts down. So keeping this on the money side, is he right? Should I pay back that $45k to an account in his name? |
Anonymous
| Wait, what? If he wants to travel he can increase his salary. This whole thing is messed up. |
Anonymous
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sorry, this is definitely a relationship question. while inheritances are not marital property, neither are gifts made explicitly to an individual spouse.
you commingled the gifts from your parents, and he commingled his inheritance, but he appears to be wanting to walk back just the latter, by having you "give" him money to an account in his name only. BUT! Gifts given to you by your spouse (and vise-versa) during the course of your marriage are marital property and are subject to equitable distribution anyway. Personally, I'd have a strong suspicion that the friends he wants to travel with fall into the "with benefits" category. No, he is not right, and you should not "pay him back." |
Anonymous
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OP - I promise there is nothing nefarious about the trip with friends. It’s that they do $$$ boys trips and he hasn’t been able to go in the last several years because we are focused on other family expenses. I told him he needs to wait till the budget loosens up (college expenses are done or he puts effort into upping his salary).
I am admittedly also resentful that he is more focused on these boys trips than getting to his place where we am travel without kids. |
Anonymous
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Why does the budget need to loosen up if you really think you’re going to inherit that much money?
Sounds like money is a proxy for control over each other’s time. |
Anonymous
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I don't understand what you mean by "his inheritance." You said your parents and his mother are alive, so is that an inheritance from his father? What do you mean pay him back? I didn't see where you wrote that he received an inheritance and spent it on you.
I also don't really understand how you guys make $300k but don't travel and are just looking to start, when it sounds like you've been married for a number of years. Do you mean you want to take big international trips and currently take "family vacations" as small domestic trips? Family as in your families of origin, or you have kids? I think it's not terribly unreasonable if his relative died, and instead of keeping his 45k separate which he's legally entitled to do, he used it on house stuff, and he wants it back for a trip, especially since you seem very conservative with money. But I also see where he figures you are going to inherit all this money to be used on both of you (and his family) and he wants his money to be his, which isn't cool. |
Anonymous
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OP - the inheritance is from his dad and yes, we take domestic vacations but I hope to do domestics/international travel alone (with him, sans kids) now that the kids are in college. But we are also paying for college expenses, which which are over in 2 years or less based on 529s.
He commingled the inheritance. Part went to house upgrades he wanted and part went to an emergency fund in a joint account when he left his more lucrative job. Our income is $300k now but as noted mine went up rapidly in the last 6 years while his decreased. |
Anonymous
Because I don’t expect to see all that money for 20 years and inheritance is never 100% assured. And college and money towards is mom/brother take up quite a bit of our current income - probably $2K or more month. |
Anonymous
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Wtf?
First, you give his family members 2k a month! That’s 24k per year! And he wants you to pay back a 45k inheritance he commingled? Second, what about the 80k in gifts your parents gave you? Did you commingle that and if so then shouldn’t he pay you back? What a dick. Tell him to get a better paying job if he wants to go on guy trips. |
Anonymous
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OP - sorry to be clear it’s about $1500 for college and $500 to his family per month.
Yes my parents gifts were also commingled and used for the entire family. My husband is a good person. but I get the impression he isn’t seeing this clearly, nor does he see the totality of 20 years of combined assets. I agree he should earn more if he wants these trips and have told him as much. I just think he doesn’t want to admit his inability to do these trip on our current combined income is a result of his decreased income. He gets very upset when I go anywhere near that topic. But at the same time I am busting my ass year after year to get my income up. |
Anonymous
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Your main issue seems to be that he has downshifted his career. Has he commensurately upshifted his contributions to the household and childrearing? I am guessing not, since you don’t believe he deserves a guy’s trip?
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Anonymous
Why do you need to bust your ass anymore? You are almost done paying for college. Set to inherit millions. Maybe live a little? You seem intent on punishing him for his lower income. |
Anonymous
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You don’t travel together “yet”?! You have been married for 20 years and this man is trying to figure out ow to reclaim his inheritance as something other than commingled. There is only one reason yo be doing that.
If I am truly the person breaking this to you I am really sorry, but OP: you are not going to be traveling with this person. You are probably getting divorced. |
Anonymous
This. |
Anonymous
| Please explain the guy trips. Golf trip or a week in an expensive European city. |