Not sure if this is a money question or relationship question.

[Anonymous]

Reading comprehension on DCUM never fails to be entertaining. OP said their two kids are in college. Who pays child support to a spouse when kids are in college? But yeah, alimony could be an issue (I'm not an attorney).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Reading comprehension on DCUM never fails to be entertaining. OP said their two kids are in college. Who pays child support to a spouse when kids are in college? But yeah, alimony could be an issue (I'm not an attorney).

She also spoke of saving up for in state tuition as a goal to discuss with adviser.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Everyone I know who married a man whose father had walked out have ALL ended up divorced, no matter how much they swore they would never be like Dad. In his mind if your kids are grown, he is not doing the same thing.

Wake up and smell the coffee, OP. He is less and less invested in the family, earning dramatically less, while wanting $ to go to support his family and his trips. He is a taker and you and your parents have enabled him.

If you are still married after you inherit and comingle funds, I for one will be SHOCKED. He does not love you, he uses you and your parents for cash. After they die he can get 1/2 if comingled and his freedom. If they said they were leaving it all to ASPCA he'd leave sooner.

How did your parents get to be so wealthy while being so naive?

And why do you talk about "our" vs. "his" financial plans. There is no "our."

+1 The part that I don't understand is why her parents are leaving $200K directly to OP's husband. If they're staying married, then just leave it to OP. Plus he's visiting OP's dad for 2 hours per week in exchange for hundreds of thousands per year to support his family and his hobbies, plus $200K directly to him when OP's parents die. He's not visiting some poor relation out of altruism. It's really weird for OP's parents to leave the money to the SIL. This whole situation is very fishy.

The $200k thing happened recently. We’ve been married for 20 years and he has done a ton for my parents throughout the marriage. They love him like a son.

While I would use my inheritance to our family’s benefit, I never said we would commingle all my inheritance. I am not sure where you and PP got that idea, but it’s crappy to be disparaging when you lack reading comprehension.

No one assumed that you're commingling your inheritance. It's just really weird for your parents to leave money directly to your husband. Stop getting so defensive and try to see that many posters are trying to help you recognize some really messed up behaviors that you've been tolerating. No matter how you slice it, your husband is treating you very badly. Don't post if you don't want to hear it.

The PPs said just that.

“If you are still married after you inherit and comingle funds, I for one will be SHOCKED. He does not love you, he uses you and your parents for cash. After they die he can get 1/2 if comingled and his freedom. If they said they were leaving it all to ASPCA he'd leave sooner.

How did your parents get to be so wealthy while being so naive?”

OP, you're defensively harping on one small detail that doesn't change the rest of what everyone is saying about your husband using you. Whatever. I hope his next GF enjoys spending all your money.

May be current gf? With so much less time working, he's filling it somehow.

OP, he may get 50% of inheritance and marital assets PLUS $200k unless you understand the law, have expert advice and are very careful, you won't control that. 50% + $200k > 50%. Plus his family is getting money continuously.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Everyone I know who married a man whose father had walked out have ALL ended up divorced, no matter how much they swore they would never be like Dad. In his mind if your kids are grown, he is not doing the same thing.

Wake up and smell the coffee, OP. He is less and less invested in the family, earning dramatically less, while wanting $ to go to support his family and his trips. He is a taker and you and your parents have enabled him.

If you are still married after you inherit and comingle funds, I for one will be SHOCKED. He does not love you, he uses you and your parents for cash. After they die he can get 1/2 if comingled and his freedom. If they said they were leaving it all to ASPCA he'd leave sooner.

How did your parents get to be so wealthy while being so naive?

And why do you talk about "our" vs. "his" financial plans. There is no "our."

+1 The part that I don't understand is why her parents are leaving $200K directly to OP's husband. If they're staying married, then just leave it to OP. Plus he's visiting OP's dad for 2 hours per week in exchange for hundreds of thousands per year to support his family and his hobbies, plus $200K directly to him when OP's parents die. He's not visiting some poor relation out of altruism. It's really weird for OP's parents to leave the money to the SIL. This whole situation is very fishy.

The $200k thing happened recently. We’ve been married for 20 years and he has done a ton for my parents throughout the marriage. They love him like a son.

While I would use my inheritance to our family’s benefit, I never said we would commingle all my inheritance. I am not sure where you and PP got that idea, but it’s crappy to be disparaging when you lack reading comprehension.

Educate yourself, OP and talk to a lawyer in your state. You and your parents are assuming a lot about your marriage and the law.

https://smartasset.com/financial-advisor/is-inheritance-marital-property

The inheriting partner also may not use inherited funds to pay for joint expenses if the intent is to keep the funds separate.

They and you think he will only get $200k, may not be true and marriage may not last.

[Anonymous]

Her intent doesn't matter, if she plans to use the inheritance for family it will be considered a marital asset. OP and her parents think they have so much money and hold the reins but may be naive and being played. His cutting income by 40% with kids in school while siphoning money for his family is 2 red flags. OP's arrogant and overestimates her control over all of it while focusing on the trifling trip. He isn't jonesing for a trip with his wife either another concerning sign.

[Anonymous]

How certain are you there is no affair, OP?

[Anonymous]

He may not leave you poor like his mom but he could walk away with more than half of the inheritance, half of other assets and could try for alimony, depending on your state. And he'll feel like a good guy for not walking out on little kids, better than his dad. It's his plan for a guaranteed "lottery" win. Oof. And $$$ going to his family in the meantime...he will feel like a good guy there too.

[Anonymous]

OP - my parents has a financial advisor and two attorneys (one estate, one business).

Definitely no affair. Really. I check our credit reports every 6 months, with his knowledge, and we can track each others locations (whole family is on find my iPhone).

When I spoke of in state tuition, it simply meant that we’ve saved in a 529 but are also cycling through through the 529 for the tax write off but paying for expenses immediately.

Also, again, any inheritance isn’t likely for a long time. Maybe 20 years? I mean, it could happen earlier but that would be devastating. And just not super likely.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Everyone I know who married a man whose father had walked out have ALL ended up divorced, no matter how much they swore they would never be like Dad. In his mind if your kids are grown, he is not doing the same thing.

Wake up and smell the coffee, OP. He is less and less invested in the family, earning dramatically less, while wanting $ to go to support his family and his trips. He is a taker and you and your parents have enabled him.

If you are still married after you inherit and comingle funds, I for one will be SHOCKED. He does not love you, he uses you and your parents for cash. After they die he can get 1/2 if comingled and his freedom. If they said they were leaving it all to ASPCA he'd leave sooner.

How did your parents get to be so wealthy while being so naive?

And why do you talk about "our" vs. "his" financial plans. There is no "our."

+1 The part that I don't understand is why her parents are leaving $200K directly to OP's husband. If they're staying married, then just leave it to OP. Plus he's visiting OP's dad for 2 hours per week in exchange for hundreds of thousands per year to support his family and his hobbies, plus $200K directly to him when OP's parents die. He's not visiting some poor relation out of altruism. It's really weird for OP's parents to leave the money to the SIL. This whole situation is very fishy.

The $200k thing happened recently. We’ve been married for 20 years and he has done a ton for my parents throughout the marriage. They love him like a son.

While I would use my inheritance to our family’s benefit, I never said we would commingle all my inheritance. I am not sure where you and PP got that idea, but it’s crappy to be disparaging when you lack reading comprehension.

No one assumed that you're commingling your inheritance. It's just really weird for your parents to leave money directly to your husband. Stop getting so defensive and try to see that many posters are trying to help you recognize some really messed up behaviors that you've been tolerating. No matter how you slice it, your husband is treating you very badly. Don't post if you don't want to hear it.

The PPs said just that.

“If you are still married after you inherit and comingle funds, I for one will be SHOCKED. He does not love you, he uses you and your parents for cash. After they die he can get 1/2 if comingled and his freedom. If they said they were leaving it all to ASPCA he'd leave sooner.

How did your parents get to be so wealthy while being so naive?”

PP, and OP: if you can name a context in which the word “commingling” is on the mind of someone not planning to be divorced, I’d be surprised.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Everyone I know who married a man whose father had walked out have ALL ended up divorced, no matter how much they swore they would never be like Dad. In his mind if your kids are grown, he is not doing the same thing.

Wake up and smell the coffee, OP. He is less and less invested in the family, earning dramatically less, while wanting $ to go to support his family and his trips. He is a taker and you and your parents have enabled him.

If you are still married after you inherit and comingle funds, I for one will be SHOCKED. He does not love you, he uses you and your parents for cash. After they die he can get 1/2 if comingled and his freedom. If they said they were leaving it all to ASPCA he'd leave sooner.

How did your parents get to be so wealthy while being so naive?

And why do you talk about "our" vs. "his" financial plans. There is no "our."

+1 The part that I don't understand is why her parents are leaving $200K directly to OP's husband. If they're staying married, then just leave it to OP. Plus he's visiting OP's dad for 2 hours per week in exchange for hundreds of thousands per year to support his family and his hobbies, plus $200K directly to him when OP's parents die. He's not visiting some poor relation out of altruism. It's really weird for OP's parents to leave the money to the SIL. This whole situation is very fishy.

The $200k thing happened recently. We’ve been married for 20 years and he has done a ton for my parents throughout the marriage. They love him like a son.

While I would use my inheritance to our family’s benefit, I never said we would commingle all my inheritance. I am not sure where you and PP got that idea, but it’s crappy to be disparaging when you lack reading comprehension.

No one assumed that you're commingling your inheritance. It's just really weird for your parents to leave money directly to your husband. Stop getting so defensive and try to see that many posters are trying to help you recognize some really messed up behaviors that you've been tolerating. No matter how you slice it, your husband is treating you very badly. Don't post if you don't want to hear it.

The PPs said just that.

“If you are still married after you inherit and comingle funds, I for one will be SHOCKED. He does not love you, he uses you and your parents for cash. After they die he can get 1/2 if comingled and his freedom. If they said they were leaving it all to ASPCA he'd leave sooner.

How did your parents get to be so wealthy while being so naive?”

PP, and OP: if you can name a context in which the word “commingling” is on the mind of someone not planning to be divorced, I’d be surprised.

So this is also a big ruse to get 1/2 of a multimillion dollar inheritance at age 65-70 after 35-40 years of marriage?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Everyone I know who married a man whose father had walked out have ALL ended up divorced, no matter how much they swore they would never be like Dad. In his mind if your kids are grown, he is not doing the same thing.

Wake up and smell the coffee, OP. He is less and less invested in the family, earning dramatically less, while wanting $ to go to support his family and his trips. He is a taker and you and your parents have enabled him.

If you are still married after you inherit and comingle funds, I for one will be SHOCKED. He does not love you, he uses you and your parents for cash. After they die he can get 1/2 if comingled and his freedom. If they said they were leaving it all to ASPCA he'd leave sooner.

How did your parents get to be so wealthy while being so naive?

And why do you talk about "our" vs. "his" financial plans. There is no "our."

+1 The part that I don't understand is why her parents are leaving $200K directly to OP's husband. If they're staying married, then just leave it to OP. Plus he's visiting OP's dad for 2 hours per week in exchange for hundreds of thousands per year to support his family and his hobbies, plus $200K directly to him when OP's parents die. He's not visiting some poor relation out of altruism. It's really weird for OP's parents to leave the money to the SIL. This whole situation is very fishy.

The $200k thing happened recently. We’ve been married for 20 years and he has done a ton for my parents throughout the marriage. They love him like a son.

While I would use my inheritance to our family’s benefit, I never said we would commingle all my inheritance. I am not sure where you and PP got that idea, but it’s crappy to be disparaging when you lack reading comprehension.

No one assumed that you're commingling your inheritance. It's just really weird for your parents to leave money directly to your husband. Stop getting so defensive and try to see that many posters are trying to help you recognize some really messed up behaviors that you've been tolerating. No matter how you slice it, your husband is treating you very badly. Don't post if you don't want to hear it.

The PPs said just that.

“If you are still married after you inherit and comingle funds, I for one will be SHOCKED. He does not love you, he uses you and your parents for cash. After they die he can get 1/2 if comingled and his freedom. If they said they were leaving it all to ASPCA he'd leave sooner.

How did your parents get to be so wealthy while being so naive?”

PP, and OP: if you can name a context in which the word “commingling” is on the mind of someone not planning to be divorced, I’d be surprised.

So this is also a big ruse to get 1/2 of a multimillion dollar inheritance at age 65-70 after 35-40 years of marriage?

Why do YOU think someone would be seeking to reverse a commingling?

Unlikely that years 1-30 were a ruse, but who knows about the recent ones. That’s sometimes how ruses go.

[Anonymous]

Although he is saying it poorly, to me it sounds like you are holding the purse string way too tight for your husband's liking. Budget money for the two of you to have have fun (separate and together) because a healthy marriage is as important as 529 plan. And your marriage should not sit in the back burner to your kid's and his family's needs. If that fix his complains, then stop reading all of these dark DCUM thoughts because you and your parents seems to trust him. If he is truly unhappy in this marriage, it seems stupid to stick out for potentially 40 years in the hopes his in-laws won't spend/lose/get swindle out of their money and his wife will then deposit millions on his account for him to claim half.

Don't tell me there is no room in the budget. His family can visit at your expense 1-2 times an year instead of 2-3, you kids can partially barrow money for collage, or a million other things in that budget of yours that is not as important as having a good relationship with your husband.

Now to your problems, first: you seems to have an issue with your husband being less ambitious or you are resenting having to carry more of the financial load (I can't tell which one it is but I suspect the latter). Second, you seem to resent that he is choosing to spend his time-off with his friends than just the two of you (Again it is heathy to do separate and together so maybe that could be the goal instead of either you or them). You also need to have frank discussion with him and/or a therapist about these feelings! I am sure solutions can be found.

- Fancying herself a therapist

[Anonymous]

OP here. PP @ 18:44 and other PPs who reiterated similar thoughts. Thank you. I saw them, read them, and am thinking them through. I may not have responded earlier because I was answering a lot of questions but I am considering them and taking the advice to heart.

[Anonymous]

OP here again - as I indicated in an earlier response, my family has legal representation. This is more a moral/financial question than a legal one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Everyone I know who married a man whose father had walked out have ALL ended up divorced, no matter how much they swore they would never be like Dad. In his mind if your kids are grown, he is not doing the same thing.

Wake up and smell the coffee, OP. He is less and less invested in the family, earning dramatically less, while wanting $ to go to support his family and his trips. He is a taker and you and your parents have enabled him.

If you are still married after you inherit and comingle funds, I for one will be SHOCKED. He does not love you, he uses you and your parents for cash. After they die he can get 1/2 if comingled and his freedom. If they said they were leaving it all to ASPCA he'd leave sooner.

How did your parents get to be so wealthy while being so naive?

And why do you talk about "our" vs. "his" financial plans. There is no "our."

+1 The part that I don't understand is why her parents are leaving $200K directly to OP's husband. If they're staying married, then just leave it to OP. Plus he's visiting OP's dad for 2 hours per week in exchange for hundreds of thousands per year to support his family and his hobbies, plus $200K directly to him when OP's parents die. He's not visiting some poor relation out of altruism. It's really weird for OP's parents to leave the money to the SIL. This whole situation is very fishy.

The $200k thing happened recently. We’ve been married for 20 years and he has done a ton for my parents throughout the marriage. They love him like a son.

While I would use my inheritance to our family’s benefit, I never said we would commingle all my inheritance. I am not sure where you and PP got that idea, but it’s crappy to be disparaging when you lack reading comprehension.

No one assumed that you're commingling your inheritance. It's just really weird for your parents to leave money directly to your husband. Stop getting so defensive and try to see that many posters are trying to help you recognize some really messed up behaviors that you've been tolerating. No matter how you slice it, your husband is treating you very badly. Don't post if you don't want to hear it.

The PPs said just that.

“If you are still married after you inherit and comingle funds, I for one will be SHOCKED. He does not love you, he uses you and your parents for cash. After they die he can get 1/2 if comingled and his freedom. If they said they were leaving it all to ASPCA he'd leave sooner.

How did your parents get to be so wealthy while being so naive?”

PP, and OP: if you can name a context in which the word “commingling” is on the mind of someone not planning to be divorced, I’d be surprised.

So this is also a big ruse to get 1/2 of a multimillion dollar inheritance at age 65-70 after 35-40 years of marriage?

Why do YOU think someone would be seeking to reverse a commingling?

Unlikely that years 1-30 were a ruse, but who knows about the recent ones. That’s sometimes how ruses go.

Look OP, it's not like he started the first date with divorce in mind. It's more that he was looking for someone to support him and you were a good candidate. Then he starts a series of events that have you supporting him and his family more while he contributes less. Look at the facts:

- Your parents had a high net worth before he married you. In the words of Eddie Murphy "And I'm quite sure he knew."
- Your parents provide financial support to you and your husband.
- You're supporting his family. That's more money siphoned off from your family to his.
- He lowers his income by 40%.
- You out earn him.
- He spends more of the family money on trips just for himself. Meanwhile he won't travel with you even though he knows you want it.
- He actually tried to undo the commingling of the $45K he inherited that was already spent on stuff he wanted. He actually asked you to pay him for it.
- You cling to irrational justifications for why he couldn't possibly be having an affair, such as: his dad did (um hello, that makes him more likely to do it), you know where his phone is 24/7 (ok, so his phone didn't sneak out to bonk someone, but he could. or he could just bonk them at the office), your parents are still alive (he's already been milking your family for years).
- You're questioning yourself to the point where you're asking whether you should "repay" him the $45K that you never took from him.

What would you tell a friend who was in this situation?