Not sure if this is a money question or relationship question.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your husband is wrong, but so are you.

I would hate it if my husband lorded over me that he made more money and I had to beg for and forgo fun things and feel like I don't deserve fun because I earn less than him. My husband is more career and job focused than I am. We make the same salary now, but I can see that changing in the future if he continues being career focused and I do more with our kids.

I think you should plan for him to go on a guys trip and for you two to take a trip together. If you think you can't afford it, travel seems important enough to both of you that you should probably look at where you can cut back to make it happen. I don't see how you can live feeling like this long term and stay married.

Seriously, $1,500 isn't worth all this anguish.

Wouldn't you be up for a fun trip with your dh too or would you be solely focused on girls trips and then demand a received inheritance to join in on all the girls trips?

[Anonymous]

Christ, you may even end up paying this man alimony.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Everyone I know who married a man whose father had walked out have ALL ended up divorced, no matter how much they swore they would never be like Dad. In his mind if your kids are grown, he is not doing the same thing.

Wake up and smell the coffee, OP. He is less and less invested in the family, earning dramatically less, while wanting $ to go to support his family and his trips. He is a taker and you and your parents have enabled him.

If you are still married after you inherit and comingle funds, I for one will be SHOCKED. He does not love you, he uses you and your parents for cash. After they die he can get 1/2 if comingled and his freedom. If they said they were leaving it all to ASPCA he'd leave sooner.

How did your parents get to be so wealthy while being so naive?

And why do you talk about "our" vs. "his" financial plans. There is no "our."

+1 The part that I don't understand is why her parents are leaving $200K directly to OP's husband. If they're staying married, then just leave it to OP. Plus he's visiting OP's dad for 2 hours per week in exchange for hundreds of thousands per year to support his family and his hobbies, plus $200K directly to him when OP's parents die. He's not visiting some poor relation out of altruism. It's really weird for OP's parents to leave the money to the SIL. This whole situation is very fishy.

The $200k thing happened recently. We’ve been married for 20 years and he has done a ton for my parents throughout the marriage. They love him like a son.

While I would use my inheritance to our family’s benefit, I never said we would commingle all my inheritance. I am not sure where you and PP got that idea, but it’s crappy to be disparaging when you lack reading comprehension.

[Anonymous]

Oh my gosh, let your husband go on his trip! You sound insufferable. He gave 45K of his money to joint house projects and you are refusing to let him spend a measly 2K to hang out with his friends??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh my gosh, let your husband go on his trip! You sound insufferable. He gave 45K of his money to joint house projects and you are refusing to let him spend a measly 2K to hang out with his friends??

The man chose to decrease his salary by 40%. Clearly there is less $ to spend.

Even if DH decreased his salary to pick up responsibilities at home (and OP has given NO indication this is the case) there is still less money to spend. IMO discretionary travel seems a legit expense to cut when income drops.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh my gosh, let your husband go on his trip! You sound insufferable. He gave 45K of his money to joint house projects and you are refusing to let him spend a measly 2K to hang out with his friends??

DP: It's $ for a trip a few times a year every year with the guys. I don't know any guy who has kids and has been married for 20 years who does that. Once a year or every couple of years, sure? A couple times a year when the couple themselves isn't traveling together? No. And they also send $500/mo to his family when she's the primary earner. What is she getting out of all this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Everyone I know who married a man whose father had walked out have ALL ended up divorced, no matter how much they swore they would never be like Dad. In his mind if your kids are grown, he is not doing the same thing.

Wake up and smell the coffee, OP. He is less and less invested in the family, earning dramatically less, while wanting $ to go to support his family and his trips. He is a taker and you and your parents have enabled him.

If you are still married after you inherit and comingle funds, I for one will be SHOCKED. He does not love you, he uses you and your parents for cash. After they die he can get 1/2 if comingled and his freedom. If they said they were leaving it all to ASPCA he'd leave sooner.

How did your parents get to be so wealthy while being so naive?

And why do you talk about "our" vs. "his" financial plans. There is no "our."

+1 The part that I don't understand is why her parents are leaving $200K directly to OP's husband. If they're staying married, then just leave it to OP. Plus he's visiting OP's dad for 2 hours per week in exchange for hundreds of thousands per year to support his family and his hobbies, plus $200K directly to him when OP's parents die. He's not visiting some poor relation out of altruism. It's really weird for OP's parents to leave the money to the SIL. This whole situation is very fishy.

The $200k thing happened recently. We’ve been married for 20 years and he has done a ton for my parents throughout the marriage. They love him like a son.

While I would use my inheritance to our family’s benefit, I never said we would commingle all my inheritance. I am not sure where you and PP got that idea, but it’s crappy to be disparaging when you lack reading comprehension.

No one assumed that you're commingling your inheritance. It's just really weird for your parents to leave money directly to your husband. Stop getting so defensive and try to see that many posters are trying to help you recognize some really messed up behaviors that you've been tolerating. No matter how you slice it, your husband is treating you very badly. Don't post if you don't want to hear it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Everyone I know who married a man whose father had walked out have ALL ended up divorced, no matter how much they swore they would never be like Dad. In his mind if your kids are grown, he is not doing the same thing.

Wake up and smell the coffee, OP. He is less and less invested in the family, earning dramatically less, while wanting $ to go to support his family and his trips. He is a taker and you and your parents have enabled him.

If you are still married after you inherit and comingle funds, I for one will be SHOCKED. He does not love you, he uses you and your parents for cash. After they die he can get 1/2 if comingled and his freedom. If they said they were leaving it all to ASPCA he'd leave sooner.

How did your parents get to be so wealthy while being so naive?

And why do you talk about "our" vs. "his" financial plans. There is no "our."

+1 The part that I don't understand is why her parents are leaving $200K directly to OP's husband. If they're staying married, then just leave it to OP. Plus he's visiting OP's dad for 2 hours per week in exchange for hundreds of thousands per year to support his family and his hobbies, plus $200K directly to him when OP's parents die. He's not visiting some poor relation out of altruism. It's really weird for OP's parents to leave the money to the SIL. This whole situation is very fishy.

The $200k thing happened recently. We’ve been married for 20 years and he has done a ton for my parents throughout the marriage. They love him like a son.

While I would use my inheritance to our family’s benefit, I never said we would commingle all my inheritance. I am not sure where you and PP got that idea, but it’s crappy to be disparaging when you lack reading comprehension.

No one assumed that you're commingling your inheritance. It's just really weird for your parents to leave money directly to your husband. Stop getting so defensive and try to see that many posters are trying to help you recognize some really messed up behaviors that you've been tolerating. No matter how you slice it, your husband is treating you very badly. Don't post if you don't want to hear it.

The PPs said just that.

“If you are still married after you inherit and comingle funds, I for one will be SHOCKED. He does not love you, he uses you and your parents for cash. After they die he can get 1/2 if comingled and his freedom. If they said they were leaving it all to ASPCA he'd leave sooner.

How did your parents get to be so wealthy while being so naive?”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why does the budget need to loosen up if you really think you’re going to inherit that much money?

Sounds like money is a proxy for control over each other’s time.

Because I don’t expect to see all that money for 20 years and inheritance is never 100% assured. And college and money towards is mom/brother take up quite a bit of our current income - probably $2K or more month.

Your marriage is not 100% assured. Pay him nothing. If he wants more money, he can earn it.

[Anonymous]

Doesn’t spending money on home improvements benefit both the joint owners of the house? I would think improvements would increase the value of the house or at least make it easier to sell when the time comes.

What kind of home improvements only benefit one spouse? OP, can you tell us what work your spouse had done to your home?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Christ, you may even end up paying this man alimony.

Seems like a given. A friend in VA does, her husband has a pt remote job and games and smokes pot all day. He got 50/50 so, she pays cs and alimony and she only has a govt job herself. Some men are lazy and money grubbing. Yours may be too, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Everyone I know who married a man whose father had walked out have ALL ended up divorced, no matter how much they swore they would never be like Dad. In his mind if your kids are grown, he is not doing the same thing.

Wake up and smell the coffee, OP. He is less and less invested in the family, earning dramatically less, while wanting $ to go to support his family and his trips. He is a taker and you and your parents have enabled him.

If you are still married after you inherit and comingle funds, I for one will be SHOCKED. He does not love you, he uses you and your parents for cash. After they die he can get 1/2 if comingled and his freedom. If they said they were leaving it all to ASPCA he'd leave sooner.

How did your parents get to be so wealthy while being so naive?

And why do you talk about "our" vs. "his" financial plans. There is no "our."

+1 The part that I don't understand is why her parents are leaving $200K directly to OP's husband. If they're staying married, then just leave it to OP. Plus he's visiting OP's dad for 2 hours per week in exchange for hundreds of thousands per year to support his family and his hobbies, plus $200K directly to him when OP's parents die. He's not visiting some poor relation out of altruism. It's really weird for OP's parents to leave the money to the SIL. This whole situation is very fishy.

The $200k thing happened recently. We’ve been married for 20 years and he has done a ton for my parents throughout the marriage. They love him like a son.

While I would use my inheritance to our family’s benefit, I never said we would commingle all my inheritance. I am not sure where you and PP got that idea, but it’s crappy to be disparaging when you lack reading comprehension.

No one assumed that you're commingling your inheritance. It's just really weird for your parents to leave money directly to your husband. Stop getting so defensive and try to see that many posters are trying to help you recognize some really messed up behaviors that you've been tolerating. No matter how you slice it, your husband is treating you very badly. Don't post if you don't want to hear it.

I for one assumed you would comingle because he had previously done so. He may have made a similar assumption.

[Anonymous]

While I would use my inheritance to our family’s benefit, I never said we would commingle all my inheritance. I am not sure where you and PP got that idea, but it’s crappy to be disparaging when you lack reading comprehension.

He comingled, so that is the precedent and he likely expects it with your talk of "our" financial planning and all. If you co-mingle any of it or use it for joint benefit it likely becomes a joint asset in divorce in most states, given you stand to inherit millions you surely should learn what the law is in your jurisdiction. You lack basic legal knowledge of how 1/2 your parent's inheritance may go to DH and family.

Commingled inheritance may be subject to division in the event of a divorce or separation1234. If you have commingled your inheritance by depositing it into a shared bank account or have given your spouse access to and control over the inheritance, they may be able to claim it as marital property1. If the inheritance was used to benefit both you and your spouse or was commingled with joint property, it may be subject to division2. If you commingle your inheritance with the rest of your assets, its status may change to a marital asset instead3. Some courts hold that only a portion, or none, of the comingled funds may remain separate property IF the party can demonstrate that the funds were never intended to be shared4.

Try mentioning to DH that you don't intend to comingle your inheritance and let us know his reaction.

The large windfall to come may be linked both to his drastic dialing back his career/earnings. He is also siphoning off a lot of money giving it to his family, is that supposed to last in perpetuity? Is his brother able bodied? And DH cut his income by 40% by not working to earn bonuses? What is he doing with that freed up time?

You also don't seem to be on the same page re: retirement. You seem to think you will always have a lot of control over your finances/assets but you may get a rude awakening.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your marriage is not 100% assured. Pay him nothing. If he wants more money, he can earn it.

What is the deal with his brother that you are supporting him too? How long is that supposed to last and what steps are being taken for brother to become self sustaining?

That DH has cut income by almost half while ramping up monthly financial support to family, with kids to put through college and retirement looming seems hard to understand. What does he tell you about that series of decisions, OP? Given your concerns about finances and more conservative outlook, were you even consulted about the above? A trip is fine if he's otherwise hardworking but what is he doing when he was previously working? Is he a gamer? Or ???

You think you hold all the power cards but your marriage may not last and he could walk away with a LOT of assets. Maybe alimony and child support depending on how old the kids are when you inherit and unless you are VERY careful, $200k plus half of the inheritance, he may well get more than YOU do.

How is family life? Happy and connected? You don't go on trips but do you go on dates, have sex, etc?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Everyone I know who married a man whose father had walked out have ALL ended up divorced, no matter how much they swore they would never be like Dad. In his mind if your kids are grown, he is not doing the same thing.

Wake up and smell the coffee, OP. He is less and less invested in the family, earning dramatically less, while wanting $ to go to support his family and his trips. He is a taker and you and your parents have enabled him.

If you are still married after you inherit and comingle funds, I for one will be SHOCKED. He does not love you, he uses you and your parents for cash. After they die he can get 1/2 if comingled and his freedom. If they said they were leaving it all to ASPCA he'd leave sooner.

How did your parents get to be so wealthy while being so naive?

And why do you talk about "our" vs. "his" financial plans. There is no "our."

+1 The part that I don't understand is why her parents are leaving $200K directly to OP's husband. If they're staying married, then just leave it to OP. Plus he's visiting OP's dad for 2 hours per week in exchange for hundreds of thousands per year to support his family and his hobbies, plus $200K directly to him when OP's parents die. He's not visiting some poor relation out of altruism. It's really weird for OP's parents to leave the money to the SIL. This whole situation is very fishy.

The $200k thing happened recently. We’ve been married for 20 years and he has done a ton for my parents throughout the marriage. They love him like a son.

While I would use my inheritance to our family’s benefit, I never said we would commingle all my inheritance. I am not sure where you and PP got that idea, but it’s crappy to be disparaging when you lack reading comprehension.

No one assumed that you're commingling your inheritance. It's just really weird for your parents to leave money directly to your husband. Stop getting so defensive and try to see that many posters are trying to help you recognize some really messed up behaviors that you've been tolerating. No matter how you slice it, your husband is treating you very badly. Don't post if you don't want to hear it.

The PPs said just that.

“If you are still married after you inherit and comingle funds, I for one will be SHOCKED. He does not love you, he uses you and your parents for cash. After they die he can get 1/2 if comingled and his freedom. If they said they were leaving it all to ASPCA he'd leave sooner.

How did your parents get to be so wealthy while being so naive?”

OP, you're defensively harping on one small detail that doesn't change the rest of what everyone is saying about your husband using you. Whatever. I hope his next GF enjoys spending all your money.