Do nothing parents and horribly misbehaved kids

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Gentle parenting is a nightmare. we were recently at the beach and our friend's child threw sand in the face of two other kids (on purpose - it was 2 consecutive incidents) and the only response was to ask him why he felt like doing that and ask if he was frustrated that he hadn't had his turn with the other child's toy that he wanted - it seems to create a sense in the kid that their feelings are all that matter.

Finding out why they’re doing it helps to figure out how to help them not do it anymore. It’s not just about feelings. It’s about motivation. You can often fix one when you understand the other.

that’s not what discipline is. discipline is shaping behavior, not trying to find out why they are doing it. barring sensory issues and other SN, kids act out because they are impulsive little savages. so you have to teach them good behavior. if the behavior is persistent or elevated then look into an evaluation. but fwiw my kid on the spectrum responded beautifully to structured discipline.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would think they aren't punishing in front of others because they think it will cause a more disruptive meltdown and that would make others uncomfortable.

Yeah, my normally well-behaved kid had a meltdown the other day at a coffee shop patio. I had warned him not to do something, he did it, and the (previously communicated) consequence was that we had to leave. I had to strap him into the stroller and walk out while he was kicking and screaming. I got some dirty looks from people and it was frustrating.

I feel this. I grabbed my kid and scolded her pretty sharply this morning because she wasn’t looking both ways before crossing the street and someone gave me a “I can’t believe you’re being so harsh” look as they walked past. I hate feeling mean but being safe street crossings (especially with her bike!) is important to me.

This happened to me once too! Kid was literally stepping off the sidewalk into oncoming traffic and I yanked him back/shouted his name and admonished him to hold my hand always at a crosswalk.
Lady next to me with kid looks at me. Then loudly “models” a gentle/sweet way of telling her kid (who was not trying to walk into oncoming traffic) to be careful at the crosswalk. “When we have energy at a crosswalk, Larlo, we can jump in place. See … like this… jump jump jump.”
Silly, but I felt bad anyway for being “reactive.” I told my spouse later that night, who told me that if I ever took the time to sweetly correct my kid who was walking into oncoming traffic, he would divorce me.

Ha, your spouse is great! That makes me feel better about this morning.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would think they aren't punishing in front of others because they think it will cause a more disruptive meltdown and that would make others uncomfortable.

Yeah, my normally well-behaved kid had a meltdown the other day at a coffee shop patio. I had warned him not to do something, he did it, and the (previously communicated) consequence was that we had to leave. I had to strap him into the stroller and walk out while he was kicking and screaming. I got some dirty looks from people and it was frustrating.

I feel this. I grabbed my kid and scolded her pretty sharply this morning because she wasn’t looking both ways before crossing the street and someone gave me a “I can’t believe you’re being so harsh” look as they walked past. I hate feeling mean but being safe street crossings (especially with her bike!) is important to me.

This happened to me once too! Kid was literally stepping off the sidewalk into oncoming traffic and I yanked him back/shouted his name and admonished him to hold my hand always at a crosswalk.
Lady next to me with kid looks at me. Then loudly “models” a gentle/sweet way of telling her kid (who was not trying to walk into oncoming traffic) to be careful at the crosswalk. “When we have energy at a crosswalk, Larlo, we can jump in place. See … like this… jump jump jump.”
Silly, but I felt bad anyway for being “reactive.” I told my spouse later that night, who told me that if I ever took the time to sweetly correct my kid who was walking into oncoming traffic, he would divorce me.

It's what any loving parent would do.

I would have strangled her

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would think they aren't punishing in front of others because they think it will cause a more disruptive meltdown and that would make others uncomfortable.

Yeah, my normally well-behaved kid had a meltdown the other day at a coffee shop patio. I had warned him not to do something, he did it, and the (previously communicated) consequence was that we had to leave. I had to strap him into the stroller and walk out while he was kicking and screaming. I got some dirty looks from people and it was frustrating.

I'm sorry you got dirty looks. My 3 year old started screaming in the pizza restaurant and I immediately took him out. People told me what a great mom I was. That's what they should have said to you. Discipline is hard on parents too, but immediately removing kids is always the best.

Kids have tantrums, I would not discipline a kid having a tantrum their nervous system is in overdrive, discipline is pointless during a tantrum, they need to be comforted. I have a problem with kids who have developed zero emotional regulation due to lax parenting. The 6 year old that punches, bites, screams, cusses out the majority of the time they don’t get what they want. There are a lot of little Napoleons out there.

My high needs baby turned into a high needs 7 year old. We are trying so fing hard to help. Can the peanut gallery. Really. It makes it so much harder to stay calm when kids with regulation issues are being judged by adults that know better. I’m already focusing on my child but I can feel your glares and accusations as I try to safely extricate us from a cafe. Our waitstaff is running the card, take a breath, we’ll be out if there soon and we’ll all be calm and breathing better within 10 mins.

Ours takes 20+ mins to wind down once revved. Getting to a safer less public space isn’t a finger snap. Sometimes we have to jump through a few hoops. Like paying our bill or going to the restroom. None of these things are fun or easy. If it looks like I’m not doing enough it’s because you aren’t the one dealing with it. We minimize visits to busy places and time means carefully but sometimes things happen.

If this has been going on for 7 years, you need to change your approach.

Dear one. We are. They are in therapy, on meds, have an IEP, we’re in therapy, taking all the classes and reading all the books. they are doing worlds better than even 6 months ago. We started interventions quite some time ago.

Thanks for looking out for us. Your constructive uninformed - for this specific child- opinions are going to be taken as well intended.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Gentle parenting is a nightmare. we were recently at the beach and our friend's child threw sand in the face of two other kids (on purpose - it was 2 consecutive incidents) and the only response was to ask him why he felt like doing that and ask if he was frustrated that he hadn't had his turn with the other child's toy that he wanted - it seems to create a sense in the kid that their feelings are all that matter.

Finding out why they’re doing it helps to figure out how to help them not do it anymore. It’s not just about feelings. It’s about motivation. You can often fix one when you understand the other.

that’s not what discipline is. discipline is shaping behavior, not trying to find out why they are doing it. barring sensory issues and other SN, kids act out because they are impulsive little savages. so you have to teach them good behavior. if the behavior is persistent or elevated then look into an evaluation. but fwiw my kid on the spectrum responded beautifully to structured discipline.

Great.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would think they aren't punishing in front of others because they think it will cause a more disruptive meltdown and that would make others uncomfortable.

Yeah, my normally well-behaved kid had a meltdown the other day at a coffee shop patio. I had warned him not to do something, he did it, and the (previously communicated) consequence was that we had to leave. I had to strap him into the stroller and walk out while he was kicking and screaming. I got some dirty looks from people and it was frustrating.

I'm sorry you got dirty looks. My 3 year old started screaming in the pizza restaurant and I immediately took him out. People told me what a great mom I was. That's what they should have said to you. Discipline is hard on parents too, but immediately removing kids is always the best.

Kids have tantrums, I would not discipline a kid having a tantrum their nervous system is in overdrive, discipline is pointless during a tantrum, they need to be comforted. I have a problem with kids who have developed zero emotional regulation due to lax parenting. The 6 year old that punches, bites, screams, cusses out the majority of the time they don’t get what they want. There are a lot of little Napoleons out there.

My high needs baby turned into a high needs 7 year old. We are trying so fing hard to help. Can the peanut gallery. Really. It makes it so much harder to stay calm when kids with regulation issues are being judged by adults that know better. I’m already focusing on my child but I can feel your glares and accusations as I try to safely extricate us from a cafe. Our waitstaff is running the card, take a breath, we’ll be out if there soon and we’ll all be calm and breathing better within 10 mins.

Ours takes 20+ mins to wind down once revved. Getting to a safer less public space isn’t a finger snap. Sometimes we have to jump through a few hoops. Like paying our bill or going to the restroom. None of these things are fun or easy. If it looks like I’m not doing enough it’s because you aren’t the one dealing with it. We minimize visits to busy places and time means carefully but sometimes things happen.

If this has been going on for 7 years, you need to change your approach.

High needs is a made up phrase by parents who can’t coach a strong willed child.

Eh, I said one of my babies was “high needs.” And he is still “high needs.” And he has moderate autism, severe adhd, epilepsy and other diagnoses.
And yeah… everything this poster said. Holding breath while exiting xyz with screaming kid, long regulating period, everything.

They haven’t lived it so can’t get it. That’s the way it works with this crowd.

[Anonymous]

If a child is being mean to my child, no matter the reason, I want to see that child corrected, and not in a sweet little voice but pretty strictly. Any parent who doesn’t do that is a bad parent. I don’t expect them to get punished or even scolded- but corrected, yes!
I don’t think it’s asking too much even if that child is SN?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would think they aren't punishing in front of others because they think it will cause a more disruptive meltdown and that would make others uncomfortable.

Yeah, my normally well-behaved kid had a meltdown the other day at a coffee shop patio. I had warned him not to do something, he did it, and the (previously communicated) consequence was that we had to leave. I had to strap him into the stroller and walk out while he was kicking and screaming. I got some dirty looks from people and it was frustrating.

I'm sorry you got dirty looks. My 3 year old started screaming in the pizza restaurant and I immediately took him out. People told me what a great mom I was. That's what they should have said to you. Discipline is hard on parents too, but immediately removing kids is always the best.

Kids have tantrums, I would not discipline a kid having a tantrum their nervous system is in overdrive, discipline is pointless during a tantrum, they need to be comforted. I have a problem with kids who have developed zero emotional regulation due to lax parenting. The 6 year old that punches, bites, screams, cusses out the majority of the time they don’t get what they want. There are a lot of little Napoleons out there.

I’m confused. Are you agreeing or disagreeing? I took my kid out of the restaurant. I didn’t spank them. We went outside and walked, calmed down. We talked about how to behave in restaurants.

I can’t stand parents who comfort during a public tantrum. No. I think if you were in private that’s what you should do, but in public the priority is to not annoy everyone else. It’s actually not okay to let your kid scream in public.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would think they aren't punishing in front of others because they think it will cause a more disruptive meltdown and that would make others uncomfortable.

Yeah, my normally well-behaved kid had a meltdown the other day at a coffee shop patio. I had warned him not to do something, he did it, and the (previously communicated) consequence was that we had to leave. I had to strap him into the stroller and walk out while he was kicking and screaming. I got some dirty looks from people and it was frustrating.

I'm sorry you got dirty looks. My 3 year old started screaming in the pizza restaurant and I immediately took him out. People told me what a great mom I was. That's what they should have said to you. Discipline is hard on parents too, but immediately removing kids is always the best.

Kids have tantrums, I would not discipline a kid having a tantrum their nervous system is in overdrive, discipline is pointless during a tantrum, they need to be comforted. I have a problem with kids who have developed zero emotional regulation due to lax parenting. The 6 year old that punches, bites, screams, cusses out the majority of the time they don’t get what they want. There are a lot of little Napoleons out there.

My high needs baby turned into a high needs 7 year old. We are trying so fing hard to help. Can the peanut gallery. Really. It makes it so much harder to stay calm when kids with regulation issues are being judged by adults that know better. I’m already focusing on my child but I can feel your glares and accusations as I try to safely extricate us from a cafe. Our waitstaff is running the card, take a breath, we’ll be out if there soon and we’ll all be calm and breathing better within 10 mins.

Ours takes 20+ mins to wind down once revved. Getting to a safer less public space isn’t a finger snap. Sometimes we have to jump through a few hoops. Like paying our bill or going to the restroom. None of these things are fun or easy. If it looks like I’m not doing enough it’s because you aren’t the one dealing with it. We minimize visits to busy places and time means carefully but sometimes things happen.

Why does it take 10 minutes to leave? You don’t need to leave permanently. Leave your Dh at the table and you take the kid to the sidewalk.

My kids know when I say “last chance or we’re leaving now” that I mean it. Because my words mean something. One of my kids is special needs too. It’s not an excuse. It just means you as a parent have a harder job.

[Anonymous]

If this has been going on for 7 years, you need to change your approach.

Dear one. We are. They are in therapy, on meds, have an IEP, we’re in therapy, taking all the classes and reading all the books. they are doing worlds better than even 6 months ago. We started interventions quite some time ago.

Thanks for looking out for us. Your constructive uninformed - for this specific child- opinions are going to be taken as well intended.

Sorry PP. This is a very self-congratulatory thread replete with parents that have no insight on parenting a challenging child. DF has a lovely child with manners everyone admiringly comments on; her other child has several behavioral challenges. Same genes, same parenting, but very different kids.

You are a great parent by recognizing your child’s challenges and actively working on them; change doesn’t happen overnight. Ignore the belittling comments; I’m pretty certain you are a better, more involved parent than the majority of responders on this thread.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had a kid actually eat a lot of the food at a birthday party before we sat down for lunch. Their parent did nothing.

We were outside watching the magician perform. DH was running to get the pizza and I was helping the magician plus seating the kids etc. This kid went inside and started just diving into the food bar. Ate nearly all the fruit, ate several specially decorated cookies that were wrapped in plastic as party favors, and several other sides too. I only figured it out when they came outside and told me my punch wasn't sweet enough. I couldn't even believe it. There was a mess everywhere too. This wasn't a drop off party and the mom was right there. Didn't even say anything when they complained about my punch not being sweet enough. Their pockets were stuffed with my decorated cookies too. I hate that when I think about my kids' birthday party that this is what I remember most.

I would have taken the cookies from him (and crushed them and put in trash in front of the brat) and told , not asked, them to leave and I would never have invited them back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would think they aren't punishing in front of others because they think it will cause a more disruptive meltdown and that would make others uncomfortable.

Yeah, my normally well-behaved kid had a meltdown the other day at a coffee shop patio. I had warned him not to do something, he did it, and the (previously communicated) consequence was that we had to leave. I had to strap him into the stroller and walk out while he was kicking and screaming. I got some dirty looks from people and it was frustrating.

I'm sorry you got dirty looks. My 3 year old started screaming in the pizza restaurant and I immediately took him out. People told me what a great mom I was. That's what they should have said to you. Discipline is hard on parents too, but immediately removing kids is always the best.

Kids have tantrums, I would not discipline a kid having a tantrum their nervous system is in overdrive, discipline is pointless during a tantrum, they need to be comforted. I have a problem with kids who have developed zero emotional regulation due to lax parenting. The 6 year old that punches, bites, screams, cusses out the majority of the time they don’t get what they want. There are a lot of little Napoleons out there.

My high needs baby turned into a high needs 7 year old. We are trying so fing hard to help. Can the peanut gallery. Really. It makes it so much harder to stay calm when kids with regulation issues are being judged by adults that know better. I’m already focusing on my child but I can feel your glares and accusations as I try to safely extricate us from a cafe. Our waitstaff is running the card, take a breath, we’ll be out if there soon and we’ll all be calm and breathing better within 10 mins.

Ours takes 20+ mins to wind down once revved. Getting to a safer less public space isn’t a finger snap. Sometimes we have to jump through a few hoops. Like paying our bill or going to the restroom. None of these things are fun or easy. If it looks like I’m not doing enough it’s because you aren’t the one dealing with it. We minimize visits to busy places and time means carefully but sometimes things happen.

If this has been going on for 7 years, you need to change your approach.

Dear one. We are. They are in therapy, on meds, have an IEP, we’re in therapy, taking all the classes and reading all the books. they are doing worlds better than even 6 months ago. We started interventions quite some time ago.

Thanks for looking out for us. Your constructive uninformed - for this specific child- opinions are going to be taken as well intended.

Stop taking him to public places.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've seen this, too. I saw a three year old bite her little sister, hard, and get nothing more than a casual "we don't bite." I was shocked.

This new "time outs are cruel" school of thought is a nightmare. Yes, sometimes there are natural consequences that can work, and that's great, but Jesus, if you take a chunk out of your sisters arm, you can go sit by yourself for a hot minute.

I have basically done this as a parent. The older one had been egging the younger one on all day (who is basically never violent) and got what was coming to them. I still wanted the younger one to hear it wasn't ok but it served as a natural consequence for the older one's behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would think they aren't punishing in front of others because they think it will cause a more disruptive meltdown and that would make others uncomfortable.

Yeah, my normally well-behaved kid had a meltdown the other day at a coffee shop patio. I had warned him not to do something, he did it, and the (previously communicated) consequence was that we had to leave. I had to strap him into the stroller and walk out while he was kicking and screaming. I got some dirty looks from people and it was frustrating.

I'm sorry you got dirty looks. My 3 year old started screaming in the pizza restaurant and I immediately took him out. People told me what a great mom I was. That's what they should have said to you. Discipline is hard on parents too, but immediately removing kids is always the best.

Kids have tantrums, I would not discipline a kid having a tantrum their nervous system is in overdrive, discipline is pointless during a tantrum, they need to be comforted. I have a problem with kids who have developed zero emotional regulation due to lax parenting. The 6 year old that punches, bites, screams, cusses out the majority of the time they don’t get what they want. There are a lot of little Napoleons out there.

My high needs baby turned into a high needs 7 year old. We are trying so fing hard to help. Can the peanut gallery. Really. It makes it so much harder to stay calm when kids with regulation issues are being judged by adults that know better. I’m already focusing on my child but I can feel your glares and accusations as I try to safely extricate us from a cafe. Our waitstaff is running the card, take a breath, we’ll be out if there soon and we’ll all be calm and breathing better within 10 mins.

Ours takes 20+ mins to wind down once revved. Getting to a safer less public space isn’t a finger snap. Sometimes we have to jump through a few hoops. Like paying our bill or going to the restroom. None of these things are fun or easy. If it looks like I’m not doing enough it’s because you aren’t the one dealing with it. We minimize visits to busy places and time means carefully but sometimes things happen.

Why does it take 10 minutes to leave? You don’t need to leave permanently. Leave your Dh at the table and you take the kid to the sidewalk.

My kids know when I say “last chance or we’re leaving now” that I mean it. Because my words mean something. One of my kids is special needs too. It’s not an excuse. It just means you as a parent have a harder job.

By seven if your kid struggles out in public you don’t set them up to fail and go to those places. If there are two adults, one leaves with the child and the other pays. Kids often go through spurts where they act up. We stopped eating out for a year and worked with ours. Lots of kids have sn. It’s harder but that’s life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would think they aren't punishing in front of others because they think it will cause a more disruptive meltdown and that would make others uncomfortable.

Yeah, my normally well-behaved kid had a meltdown the other day at a coffee shop patio. I had warned him not to do something, he did it, and the (previously communicated) consequence was that we had to leave. I had to strap him into the stroller and walk out while he was kicking and screaming. I got some dirty looks from people and it was frustrating.

I'm sorry you got dirty looks. My 3 year old started screaming in the pizza restaurant and I immediately took him out. People told me what a great mom I was. That's what they should have said to you. Discipline is hard on parents too, but immediately removing kids is always the best.

Kids have tantrums, I would not discipline a kid having a tantrum their nervous system is in overdrive, discipline is pointless during a tantrum, they need to be comforted. I have a problem with kids who have developed zero emotional regulation due to lax parenting. The 6 year old that punches, bites, screams, cusses out the majority of the time they don’t get what they want. There are a lot of little Napoleons out there.

My high needs baby turned into a high needs 7 year old. We are trying so fing hard to help. Can the peanut gallery. Really. It makes it so much harder to stay calm when kids with regulation issues are being judged by adults that know better. I’m already focusing on my child but I can feel your glares and accusations as I try to safely extricate us from a cafe. Our waitstaff is running the card, take a breath, we’ll be out if there soon and we’ll all be calm and breathing better within 10 mins.

Ours takes 20+ mins to wind down once revved. Getting to a safer less public space isn’t a finger snap. Sometimes we have to jump through a few hoops. Like paying our bill or going to the restroom. None of these things are fun or easy. If it looks like I’m not doing enough it’s because you aren’t the one dealing with it. We minimize visits to busy places and time means carefully but sometimes things happen.

Why does it take 10 minutes to leave? You don’t need to leave permanently. Leave your Dh at the table and you take the kid to the sidewalk.

My kids know when I say “last chance or we’re leaving now” that I mean it. Because my words mean something. One of my kids is special needs too. It’s not an excuse. It just means you as a parent have a harder job.

By seven if your kid struggles out in public you don’t set them up to fail and go to those places. If there are two adults, one leaves with the child and the other pays. Kids often go through spurts where they act up. We stopped eating out for a year and worked with ours. Lots of kids have sn. It’s harder but that’s life.

+2. I have a high needs 10 year old. We are rarely in public places because of course those places stress him out? Why are these parents torturing their kids this way.