Do nothing parents and horribly misbehaved kids

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would think they aren't punishing in front of others because they think it will cause a more disruptive meltdown and that would make others uncomfortable.

Yeah, my normally well-behaved kid had a meltdown the other day at a coffee shop patio. I had warned him not to do something, he did it, and the (previously communicated) consequence was that we had to leave. I had to strap him into the stroller and walk out while he was kicking and screaming. I got some dirty looks from people and it was frustrating.

I'm sorry you got dirty looks. My 3 year old started screaming in the pizza restaurant and I immediately took him out. People told me what a great mom I was. That's what they should have said to you. Discipline is hard on parents too, but immediately removing kids is always the best.

Kids have tantrums, I would not discipline a kid having a tantrum their nervous system is in overdrive, discipline is pointless during a tantrum, they need to be comforted. I have a problem with kids who have developed zero emotional regulation due to lax parenting. The 6 year old that punches, bites, screams, cusses out the majority of the time they don’t get what they want. There are a lot of little Napoleons out there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't doubt such people exist, but I've never seen it in real life. Usually there are always consequences - some may not be what I would choose to do, but they exist.

Oh I have seen it. Kid threw a tiny rock at other kid's head. Mom was comforting other kid and said nothing to hers because he claimed he never meant to do it.

I have so many examples of this particular kid.

His mom is the sweetest woman. I don't know if this is some approach they advise her in therapy or what. He is a seemingly normal kid but you never know if he is going through something.

I walked away very quickly before I said something. Other kid's parent was just standing there shocked. And we all know he meant to throw the rock at his friends head.

I have seen it with a preschooler pushing a toddler to cause her fall onto the concrete. Literally the same dynamic.
I just know that the mom is very weird.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband and I took a great parent training class specifically geared towards kids with specific SN (that one of our kids have) and it was very focused on rewarding positive behavior. However, you still do time out or some other consequence for hitting or name calling (or any other violent behavior). That has been a good balance for us for the most part. I think the emphasis on consequences all the time without corresponding recognition of good behavior can also be really detrimental.

yep, 100%. the “gentle parenting” idea that you never have to give consequences is bonkers, but consequences have to balance with positive reinforcement. also more important for consequences to be immediate and consistent than big and draconian (even for something like hitting). this approach WORKS for 95% of kids. when I learned it I remember being amazed that it wasn’t more common knowledge.

In theory, gentle parenting is pro-consequences that are immediate and consistent. In practice people seem to think gentle parenting means passive parenting with a gentle voice.

[Anonymous]

[mastodon]

Anonymous wrote:I don't know such kids or parents and you know several. I'm busy wondering about that.

18:20 here. Playground, UMC neighborhood. As I said, didn’t believe it until I saw it myself.

[Anonymous]

It's laziness. It's easier to be your kids' best friend than to be a parent. Being a parent means having to be the bad guy sometimes in order to teach manners, etc.

Our kids are young adults and we've been out to eat as a family where young kids at nearby tables are being animals. I say nothing, it's our kids who comment. "Why are those parents not doing anything!?"

Good question.

[Anonymous]

Gentle parenting is a nightmare. we were recently at the beach and our friend's child threw sand in the face of two other kids (on purpose - it was 2 consecutive incidents) and the only response was to ask him why he felt like doing that and ask if he was frustrated that he hadn't had his turn with the other child's toy that he wanted - it seems to create a sense in the kid that their feelings are all that matter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would think they aren't punishing in front of others because they think it will cause a more disruptive meltdown and that would make others uncomfortable.

Yeah, my normally well-behaved kid had a meltdown the other day at a coffee shop patio. I had warned him not to do something, he did it, and the (previously communicated) consequence was that we had to leave. I had to strap him into the stroller and walk out while he was kicking and screaming. I got some dirty looks from people and it was frustrating.

I'm sorry you got dirty looks. My 3 year old started screaming in the pizza restaurant and I immediately took him out. People told me what a great mom I was. That's what they should have said to you. Discipline is hard on parents too, but immediately removing kids is always the best.

Kids have tantrums, I would not discipline a kid having a tantrum their nervous system is in overdrive, discipline is pointless during a tantrum, they need to be comforted. I have a problem with kids who have developed zero emotional regulation due to lax parenting. The 6 year old that punches, bites, screams, cusses out the majority of the time they don’t get what they want. There are a lot of little Napoleons out there.

My high needs baby turned into a high needs 7 year old. We are trying so fing hard to help. Can the peanut gallery. Really. It makes it so much harder to stay calm when kids with regulation issues are being judged by adults that know better. I’m already focusing on my child but I can feel your glares and accusations as I try to safely extricate us from a cafe. Our waitstaff is running the card, take a breath, we’ll be out if there soon and we’ll all be calm and breathing better within 10 mins.

Ours takes 20+ mins to wind down once revved. Getting to a safer less public space isn’t a finger snap. Sometimes we have to jump through a few hoops. Like paying our bill or going to the restroom. None of these things are fun or easy. If it looks like I’m not doing enough it’s because you aren’t the one dealing with it. We minimize visits to busy places and time means carefully but sometimes things happen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Gentle parenting is a nightmare. we were recently at the beach and our friend's child threw sand in the face of two other kids (on purpose - it was 2 consecutive incidents) and the only response was to ask him why he felt like doing that and ask if he was frustrated that he hadn't had his turn with the other child's toy that he wanted - it seems to create a sense in the kid that their feelings are all that matter.

Finding out why they’re doing it helps to figure out how to help them not do it anymore. It’s not just about feelings. It’s about motivation. You can often fix one when you understand the other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would think they aren't punishing in front of others because they think it will cause a more disruptive meltdown and that would make others uncomfortable.

Yeah, my normally well-behaved kid had a meltdown the other day at a coffee shop patio. I had warned him not to do something, he did it, and the (previously communicated) consequence was that we had to leave. I had to strap him into the stroller and walk out while he was kicking and screaming. I got some dirty looks from people and it was frustrating.

I'm sorry you got dirty looks. My 3 year old started screaming in the pizza restaurant and I immediately took him out. People told me what a great mom I was. That's what they should have said to you. Discipline is hard on parents too, but immediately removing kids is always the best.

Kids have tantrums, I would not discipline a kid having a tantrum their nervous system is in overdrive, discipline is pointless during a tantrum, they need to be comforted. I have a problem with kids who have developed zero emotional regulation due to lax parenting. The 6 year old that punches, bites, screams, cusses out the majority of the time they don’t get what they want. There are a lot of little Napoleons out there.

My high needs baby turned into a high needs 7 year old. We are trying so fing hard to help. Can the peanut gallery. Really. It makes it so much harder to stay calm when kids with regulation issues are being judged by adults that know better. I’m already focusing on my child but I can feel your glares and accusations as I try to safely extricate us from a cafe. Our waitstaff is running the card, take a breath, we’ll be out if there soon and we’ll all be calm and breathing better within 10 mins.

Ours takes 20+ mins to wind down once revved. Getting to a safer less public space isn’t a finger snap. Sometimes we have to jump through a few hoops. Like paying our bill or going to the restroom. None of these things are fun or easy. If it looks like I’m not doing enough it’s because you aren’t the one dealing with it. We minimize visits to busy places and time means carefully but sometimes things happen.

If this has been going on for 7 years, you need to change your approach.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Gentle parenting is a nightmare. we were recently at the beach and our friend's child threw sand in the face of two other kids (on purpose - it was 2 consecutive incidents) and the only response was to ask him why he felt like doing that and ask if he was frustrated that he hadn't had his turn with the other child's toy that he wanted - it seems to create a sense in the kid that their feelings are all that matter.

Finding out why they’re doing it helps to figure out how to help them not do it anymore. It’s not just about feelings. It’s about motivation. You can often fix one when you understand the other.

Find out after your kid apologizes to the others and told if he does it a third time he is going back in the car. Do the gentle parenting and inquiry at home when he throws juice at you.

Or he is going to find out the hard way in the schoolyard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would think they aren't punishing in front of others because they think it will cause a more disruptive meltdown and that would make others uncomfortable.

Yeah, my normally well-behaved kid had a meltdown the other day at a coffee shop patio. I had warned him not to do something, he did it, and the (previously communicated) consequence was that we had to leave. I had to strap him into the stroller and walk out while he was kicking and screaming. I got some dirty looks from people and it was frustrating.

I'm sorry you got dirty looks. My 3 year old started screaming in the pizza restaurant and I immediately took him out. People told me what a great mom I was. That's what they should have said to you. Discipline is hard on parents too, but immediately removing kids is always the best.

Kids have tantrums, I would not discipline a kid having a tantrum their nervous system is in overdrive, discipline is pointless during a tantrum, they need to be comforted. I have a problem with kids who have developed zero emotional regulation due to lax parenting. The 6 year old that punches, bites, screams, cusses out the majority of the time they don’t get what they want. There are a lot of little Napoleons out there.

My high needs baby turned into a high needs 7 year old. We are trying so fing hard to help. Can the peanut gallery. Really. It makes it so much harder to stay calm when kids with regulation issues are being judged by adults that know better. I’m already focusing on my child but I can feel your glares and accusations as I try to safely extricate us from a cafe. Our waitstaff is running the card, take a breath, we’ll be out if there soon and we’ll all be calm and breathing better within 10 mins.

Ours takes 20+ mins to wind down once revved. Getting to a safer less public space isn’t a finger snap. Sometimes we have to jump through a few hoops. Like paying our bill or going to the restroom. None of these things are fun or easy. If it looks like I’m not doing enough it’s because you aren’t the one dealing with it. We minimize visits to busy places and time means carefully but sometimes things happen.

If this has been going on for 7 years, you need to change your approach.

High needs is a made up phrase by parents who can’t coach a strong willed child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would think they aren't punishing in front of others because they think it will cause a more disruptive meltdown and that would make others uncomfortable.

Yeah, my normally well-behaved kid had a meltdown the other day at a coffee shop patio. I had warned him not to do something, he did it, and the (previously communicated) consequence was that we had to leave. I had to strap him into the stroller and walk out while he was kicking and screaming. I got some dirty looks from people and it was frustrating.

I feel this. I grabbed my kid and scolded her pretty sharply this morning because she wasn’t looking both ways before crossing the street and someone gave me a “I can’t believe you’re being so harsh” look as they walked past. I hate feeling mean but being safe street crossings (especially with her bike!) is important to me.

This happened to me once too! Kid was literally stepping off the sidewalk into oncoming traffic and I yanked him back/shouted his name and admonished him to hold my hand always at a crosswalk.
Lady next to me with kid looks at me. Then loudly “models” a gentle/sweet way of telling her kid (who was not trying to walk into oncoming traffic) to be careful at the crosswalk. “When we have energy at a crosswalk, Larlo, we can jump in place. See … like this… jump jump jump.”
Silly, but I felt bad anyway for being “reactive.” I told my spouse later that night, who told me that if I ever took the time to sweetly correct my kid who was walking into oncoming traffic, he would divorce me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Worry about your own damned kids. Stop worrying about mine

We are. Your kids don't live in a bubble. They go to school and activities, and they cause issues for everyone.

Parent your damn kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would think they aren't punishing in front of others because they think it will cause a more disruptive meltdown and that would make others uncomfortable.

Yeah, my normally well-behaved kid had a meltdown the other day at a coffee shop patio. I had warned him not to do something, he did it, and the (previously communicated) consequence was that we had to leave. I had to strap him into the stroller and walk out while he was kicking and screaming. I got some dirty looks from people and it was frustrating.

I'm sorry you got dirty looks. My 3 year old started screaming in the pizza restaurant and I immediately took him out. People told me what a great mom I was. That's what they should have said to you. Discipline is hard on parents too, but immediately removing kids is always the best.

Kids have tantrums, I would not discipline a kid having a tantrum their nervous system is in overdrive, discipline is pointless during a tantrum, they need to be comforted. I have a problem with kids who have developed zero emotional regulation due to lax parenting. The 6 year old that punches, bites, screams, cusses out the majority of the time they don’t get what they want. There are a lot of little Napoleons out there.

My high needs baby turned into a high needs 7 year old. We are trying so fing hard to help. Can the peanut gallery. Really. It makes it so much harder to stay calm when kids with regulation issues are being judged by adults that know better. I’m already focusing on my child but I can feel your glares and accusations as I try to safely extricate us from a cafe. Our waitstaff is running the card, take a breath, we’ll be out if there soon and we’ll all be calm and breathing better within 10 mins.

Ours takes 20+ mins to wind down once revved. Getting to a safer less public space isn’t a finger snap. Sometimes we have to jump through a few hoops. Like paying our bill or going to the restroom. None of these things are fun or easy. If it looks like I’m not doing enough it’s because you aren’t the one dealing with it. We minimize visits to busy places and time means carefully but sometimes things happen.

If this has been going on for 7 years, you need to change your approach.

High needs is a made up phrase by parents who can’t coach a strong willed child.

Eh, I said one of my babies was “high needs.” And he is still “high needs.” And he has moderate autism, severe adhd, epilepsy and other diagnoses.
And yeah… everything this poster said. Holding breath while exiting xyz with screaming kid, long regulating period, everything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would think they aren't punishing in front of others because they think it will cause a more disruptive meltdown and that would make others uncomfortable.

Yeah, my normally well-behaved kid had a meltdown the other day at a coffee shop patio. I had warned him not to do something, he did it, and the (previously communicated) consequence was that we had to leave. I had to strap him into the stroller and walk out while he was kicking and screaming. I got some dirty looks from people and it was frustrating.

I feel this. I grabbed my kid and scolded her pretty sharply this morning because she wasn’t looking both ways before crossing the street and someone gave me a “I can’t believe you’re being so harsh” look as they walked past. I hate feeling mean but being safe street crossings (especially with her bike!) is important to me.

This happened to me once too! Kid was literally stepping off the sidewalk into oncoming traffic and I yanked him back/shouted his name and admonished him to hold my hand always at a crosswalk.
Lady next to me with kid looks at me. Then loudly “models” a gentle/sweet way of telling her kid (who was not trying to walk into oncoming traffic) to be careful at the crosswalk. “When we have energy at a crosswalk, Larlo, we can jump in place. See … like this… jump jump jump.”
Silly, but I felt bad anyway for being “reactive.” I told my spouse later that night, who told me that if I ever took the time to sweetly correct my kid who was walking into oncoming traffic, he would divorce me.

I would have strangled her