Do nothing parents and horribly misbehaved kids

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would think they aren't punishing in front of others because they think it will cause a more disruptive meltdown and that would make others uncomfortable.

Yeah, my normally well-behaved kid had a meltdown the other day at a coffee shop patio. I had warned him not to do something, he did it, and the (previously communicated) consequence was that we had to leave. I had to strap him into the stroller and walk out while he was kicking and screaming. I got some dirty looks from people and it was frustrating.

I'm sorry you got dirty looks. My 3 year old started screaming in the pizza restaurant and I immediately took him out. People told me what a great mom I was. That's what they should have said to you. Discipline is hard on parents too, but immediately removing kids is always the best.

+1. If I saw someone giving you a dirty look, I'd say something to them! I have a kid who went through a phase of trying to scream in places and I ALWAYS took them out right away. I always felt really supported by the fellow parents/adults; one time someone called me supermom and while it was obviously not true it was really really nice of her and meant a lot in the moment.

I think this thread proves you're doing it right, anyways, per most of society.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've seen this, too. I saw a three year old bite her little sister, hard, and get nothing more than a casual "we don't bite." I was shocked.

This new "time outs are cruel" school of thought is a nightmare. Yes, sometimes there are natural consequences that can work, and that's great, but Jesus, if you take a chunk out of your sisters arm, you can go sit by yourself for a hot minute.

Time outs are cruel because they leave kids alone at the point where they probably most need connection. Removing the child from the situation and staying with your child as you explain what they need to do better is ideal. And you need to balance that with giving your child positive attention when they are behaving well so they don't misbehave in order to get attention. Isolation should only be a punishment if you really cannot be with your kid at that moment.

Kids who are having a meltdown or are really upset or angry cannot process anything you're saying to them in the moment. Having them take a time out gives them space to calm down. THEN you talk to them about their behavior, what they should do instead, etc. The purpose of the time out isn't isolation for isolation's sake--it's to give them time and space to regulate their emotions.

They can’t regulate such a high emotional activation on their own, they need co regulation. Their hardware isn’t even set up to do that, the neo cortex in undeveloped.

NP. I have a DC with autism that was highly dysregulated when he was younger. This talk of "co-regulation" is bs. They need to grow and mature so that they can regulate themselves - but having calm parents aiming calm at them doesn't do it, anymore than having uncalm parents yelling at them does.

“calm parents aiming calm at them” - love this description. it does help
ME feel better to remain calm though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've seen this, too. I saw a three year old bite her little sister, hard, and get nothing more than a casual "we don't bite." I was shocked.

This new "time outs are cruel" school of thought is a nightmare. Yes, sometimes there are natural consequences that can work, and that's great, but Jesus, if you take a chunk out of your sisters arm, you can go sit by yourself for a hot minute.

Time outs are cruel because they leave kids alone at the point where they probably most need connection. Removing the child from the situation and staying with your child as you explain what they need to do better is ideal. And you need to balance that with giving your child positive attention when they are behaving well so they don't misbehave in order to get attention. Isolation should only be a punishment if you really cannot be with your kid at that moment.

Kids who are having a meltdown or are really upset or angry cannot process anything you're saying to them in the moment. Having them take a time out gives them space to calm down. THEN you talk to them about their behavior, what they should do instead, etc. The purpose of the time out isn't isolation for isolation's sake--it's to give them time and space to regulate their emotions.

They can’t regulate such a high emotional activation on their own, they need co regulation. Their hardware isn’t even set up to do that, the neo cortex in undeveloped.

NP. I have a DC with autism that was highly dysregulated when he was younger. This talk of "co-regulation" is bs. They need to grow and mature so that they can regulate themselves - but having calm parents aiming calm at them doesn't do it, anymore than having uncalm parents yelling at them does.

“calm parents aiming calm at them” - love this description. it does help
ME feel better to remain calm though.

Co-regulation = Calm, present, empathetic person stays close to or gives loving touch (a rub, a hug) to person who is way above threshold of distress tolerance. This works with children and adults, it's called mirror neurons.

Telling someone to calm down or breathe makes an emotional outburst worse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For those who thing siblings will work it out, they don't. I barely talk to my sibling or parents as they all had a weird triangle and my sibling could do no wrong. The still don't get the issue and how they treat me. If you want a relationship with your kids later on, think about how you treat them and what you allow to happen now.

This is my situation exactly as well. I am so intentional about how I allow my children to treat each other bc my parents did nothing over years and years of serious verbal and emotional abuse by my sibling. I am authoritative and sometimes it is HARD But I think of it like raising a puppy .... Put the work in early because you cant teach old dogs new tricks (I'm sure I'll get torched here for that comparison)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've seen this, too. I saw a three year old bite her little sister, hard, and get nothing more than a casual "we don't bite." I was shocked.

This new "time outs are cruel" school of thought is a nightmare. Yes, sometimes there are natural consequences that can work, and that's great, but Jesus, if you take a chunk out of your sisters arm, you can go sit by yourself for a hot minute.

Time outs are cruel because they leave kids alone at the point where they probably most need connection. Removing the child from the situation and staying with your child as you explain what they need to do better is ideal. And you need to balance that with giving your child positive attention when they are behaving well so they don't misbehave in order to get attention. Isolation should only be a punishment if you really cannot be with your kid at that moment.

Kids who are having a meltdown or are really upset or angry cannot process anything you're saying to them in the moment. Having them take a time out gives them space to calm down. THEN you talk to them about their behavior, what they should do instead, etc. The purpose of the time out isn't isolation for isolation's sake--it's to give them time and space to regulate their emotions.

They can’t regulate such a high emotional activation on their own, they need co regulation. Their hardware isn’t even set up to do that, the neo cortex in undeveloped.

Np. *Your* child needs you to help calm them down. One of mine does too. The other absolutely needs space just like pp says. He won't process anything otherwise and the meltdown lasts much, much longer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would think they aren't punishing in front of others because they think it will cause a more disruptive meltdown and that would make others uncomfortable.

Yeah, my normally well-behaved kid had a meltdown the other day at a coffee shop patio. I had warned him not to do something, he did it, and the (previously communicated) consequence was that we had to leave. I had to strap him into the stroller and walk out while he was kicking and screaming. I got some dirty looks from people and it was frustrating.

I'm sorry you got dirty looks. My 3 year old started screaming in the pizza restaurant and I immediately took him out. People told me what a great mom I was. That's what they should have said to you. Discipline is hard on parents too, but immediately removing kids is always the best.

+1. If I saw someone giving you a dirty look, I'd say something to them! I have a kid who went through a phase of trying to scream in places and I ALWAYS took them out right away. I always felt really supported by the fellow parents/adults; one time someone called me supermom and while it was obviously not true it was really really nice of her and meant a lot in the moment.

I think this thread proves you're doing it right, anyways, per most of society.

Just give the kid your phone with a game or video or something, and they’ll stop screaming.

This isn’t difficult.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would think they aren't punishing in front of others because they think it will cause a more disruptive meltdown and that would make others uncomfortable.

Yeah, my normally well-behaved kid had a meltdown the other day at a coffee shop patio. I had warned him not to do something, he did it, and the (previously communicated) consequence was that we had to leave. I had to strap him into the stroller and walk out while he was kicking and screaming. I got some dirty looks from people and it was frustrating.

I'm sorry you got dirty looks. My 3 year old started screaming in the pizza restaurant and I immediately took him out. People told me what a great mom I was. That's what they should have said to you. Discipline is hard on parents too, but immediately removing kids is always the best.

+1. If I saw someone giving you a dirty look, I'd say something to them! I have a kid who went through a phase of trying to scream in places and I ALWAYS took them out right away. I always felt really supported by the fellow parents/adults; one time someone called me supermom and while it was obviously not true it was really really nice of her and meant a lot in the moment.

I think this thread proves you're doing it right, anyways, per most of society.

Just give the kid your phone with a game or video or something, and they’ll stop screaming.

This isn’t difficult.

I know you are probably kidding, but I fear you’re not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would think they aren't punishing in front of others because they think it will cause a more disruptive meltdown and that would make others uncomfortable.

Yeah, my normally well-behaved kid had a meltdown the other day at a coffee shop patio. I had warned him not to do something, he did it, and the (previously communicated) consequence was that we had to leave. I had to strap him into the stroller and walk out while he was kicking and screaming. I got some dirty looks from people and it was frustrating.

I'm sorry you got dirty looks. My 3 year old started screaming in the pizza restaurant and I immediately took him out. People told me what a great mom I was. That's what they should have said to you. Discipline is hard on parents too, but immediately removing kids is always the best.

+1. If I saw someone giving you a dirty look, I'd say something to them! I have a kid who went through a phase of trying to scream in places and I ALWAYS took them out right away. I always felt really supported by the fellow parents/adults; one time someone called me supermom and while it was obviously not true it was really really nice of her and meant a lot in the moment.

I think this thread proves you're doing it right, anyways, per most of society.

Just give the kid your phone with a game or video or something, and they’ll stop screaming.

This isn’t difficult.

I know you are probably kidding, but I fear you’re not.

Why do you think I’m kidding?

[Anonymous]

Yes, some parents suck and these kids grow to suck and then grown adults that suck.

Everyone hates these kids. Everyone is fake friends with them. Kids have no clue other kids don’t really like them. They are jerks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would think they aren't punishing in front of others because they think it will cause a more disruptive meltdown and that would make others uncomfortable.

Yeah, my normally well-behaved kid had a meltdown the other day at a coffee shop patio. I had warned him not to do something, he did it, and the (previously communicated) consequence was that we had to leave. I had to strap him into the stroller and walk out while he was kicking and screaming. I got some dirty looks from people and it was frustrating.

I'm sorry you got dirty looks. My 3 year old started screaming in the pizza restaurant and I immediately took him out. People told me what a great mom I was. That's what they should have said to you. Discipline is hard on parents too, but immediately removing kids is always the best.

+1. If I saw someone giving you a dirty look, I'd say something to them! I have a kid who went through a phase of trying to scream in places and I ALWAYS took them out right away. I always felt really supported by the fellow parents/adults; one time someone called me supermom and while it was obviously not true it was really really nice of her and meant a lot in the moment.

I think this thread proves you're doing it right, anyways, per most of society.

Just give the kid your phone with a game or video or something, and they’ll stop screaming.

This isn’t difficult.

I know you are probably kidding, but I fear you’re not.

I had the same thought. It is either a solid parody of a crappy parent, or an actual crappy parent.

[Anonymous]

There were five of us and there was a "look" our parents simply gave us and we knew that it meant to "straighten up and fly right". I did the same with my children with the same results. Discipline begins from the get go