Do nothing parents and horribly misbehaved kids

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would think they aren't punishing in front of others because they think it will cause a more disruptive meltdown and that would make others uncomfortable.

Yeah, my normally well-behaved kid had a meltdown the other day at a coffee shop patio. I had warned him not to do something, he did it, and the (previously communicated) consequence was that we had to leave. I had to strap him into the stroller and walk out while he was kicking and screaming. I got some dirty looks from people and it was frustrating.

I'm sorry you got dirty looks. My 3 year old started screaming in the pizza restaurant and I immediately took him out. People told me what a great mom I was. That's what they should have said to you. Discipline is hard on parents too, but immediately removing kids is always the best.

Kids have tantrums, I would not discipline a kid having a tantrum their nervous system is in overdrive, discipline is pointless during a tantrum, they need to be comforted. I have a problem with kids who have developed zero emotional regulation due to lax parenting. The 6 year old that punches, bites, screams, cusses out the majority of the time they don’t get what they want. There are a lot of little Napoleons out there.

My high needs baby turned into a high needs 7 year old. We are trying so fing hard to help. Can the peanut gallery. Really. It makes it so much harder to stay calm when kids with regulation issues are being judged by adults that know better. I’m already focusing on my child but I can feel your glares and accusations as I try to safely extricate us from a cafe. Our waitstaff is running the card, take a breath, we’ll be out if there soon and we’ll all be calm and breathing better within 10 mins.

Ours takes 20+ mins to wind down once revved. Getting to a safer less public space isn’t a finger snap. Sometimes we have to jump through a few hoops. Like paying our bill or going to the restroom. None of these things are fun or easy. If it looks like I’m not doing enough it’s because you aren’t the one dealing with it. We minimize visits to busy places and time means carefully but sometimes things happen.

Why does it take 10 minutes to leave? You don’t need to leave permanently. Leave your Dh at the table and you take the kid to the sidewalk.

My kids know when I say “last chance or we’re leaving now” that I mean it. Because my words mean something. One of my kids is special needs too. It’s not an excuse. It just means you as a parent have a harder job.

By seven if your kid struggles out in public you don’t set them up to fail and go to those places. If there are two adults, one leaves with the child and the other pays. Kids often go through spurts where they act up. We stopped eating out for a year and worked with ours. Lots of kids have sn. It’s harder but that’s life.

+2. I have a high needs 10 year old. We are rarely in public places because of course those places stress him out? Why are these parents torturing their kids this way.

Genuinely curious—how do you work on these behaviors if you avoid things like public places?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Gentle parenting is a nightmare. we were recently at the beach and our friend's child threw sand in the face of two other kids (on purpose - it was 2 consecutive incidents) and the only response was to ask him why he felt like doing that and ask if he was frustrated that he hadn't had his turn with the other child's toy that he wanted - it seems to create a sense in the kid that their feelings are all that matter.

Finding out why they’re doing it helps to figure out how to help them not do it anymore. It’s not just about feelings. It’s about motivation. You can often fix one when you understand the other.

Sure, but then you need to DO something with the information. Why did you throw the sand at larla? Because she had the bucket and you wanted a turn? I see you really wanted that bucket. You can NOT throw sand at anyone, even if you want what they have. The sand can hurt their eyes. Sit with me for 5 minutes so you can think about what you can do next time when you want something. No you can't play for 5 minutes; you hurt larla's eye, we are going to sit and think or talk about ways to make better choices or you'll have to leave the beach. I need to keep everyone here safe.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would think they aren't punishing in front of others because they think it will cause a more disruptive meltdown and that would make others uncomfortable.

Yeah, my normally well-behaved kid had a meltdown the other day at a coffee shop patio. I had warned him not to do something, he did it, and the (previously communicated) consequence was that we had to leave. I had to strap him into the stroller and walk out while he was kicking and screaming. I got some dirty looks from people and it was frustrating.

I'm sorry you got dirty looks. My 3 year old started screaming in the pizza restaurant and I immediately took him out. People told me what a great mom I was. That's what they should have said to you. Discipline is hard on parents too, but immediately removing kids is always the best.

Kids have tantrums, I would not discipline a kid having a tantrum their nervous system is in overdrive, discipline is pointless during a tantrum, they need to be comforted. I have a problem with kids who have developed zero emotional regulation due to lax parenting. The 6 year old that punches, bites, screams, cusses out the majority of the time they don’t get what they want. There are a lot of little Napoleons out there.

My high needs baby turned into a high needs 7 year old. We are trying so fing hard to help. Can the peanut gallery. Really. It makes it so much harder to stay calm when kids with regulation issues are being judged by adults that know better. I’m already focusing on my child but I can feel your glares and accusations as I try to safely extricate us from a cafe. Our waitstaff is running the card, take a breath, we’ll be out if there soon and we’ll all be calm and breathing better within 10 mins.

Ours takes 20+ mins to wind down once revved. Getting to a safer less public space isn’t a finger snap. Sometimes we have to jump through a few hoops. Like paying our bill or going to the restroom. None of these things are fun or easy. If it looks like I’m not doing enough it’s because you aren’t the one dealing with it. We minimize visits to busy places and time means carefully but sometimes things happen.

Why does it take 10 minutes to leave? You don’t need to leave permanently. Leave your Dh at the table and you take the kid to the sidewalk.

My kids know when I say “last chance or we’re leaving now” that I mean it. Because my words mean something. One of my kids is special needs too. It’s not an excuse. It just means you as a parent have a harder job.

By seven if your kid struggles out in public you don’t set them up to fail and go to those places. If there are two adults, one leaves with the child and the other pays. Kids often go through spurts where they act up. We stopped eating out for a year and worked with ours. Lots of kids have sn. It’s harder but that’s life.

+2. I have a high needs 10 year old. We are rarely in public places because of course those places stress him out? Why are these parents torturing their kids this way.

Genuinely curious—how do you work on these behaviors if you avoid things like public places?

Start at one, then try things like fast food.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would think they aren't punishing in front of others because they think it will cause a more disruptive meltdown and that would make others uncomfortable.

Yeah, my normally well-behaved kid had a meltdown the other day at a coffee shop patio. I had warned him not to do something, he did it, and the (previously communicated) consequence was that we had to leave. I had to strap him into the stroller and walk out while he was kicking and screaming. I got some dirty looks from people and it was frustrating.

I'm sorry you got dirty looks. My 3 year old started screaming in the pizza restaurant and I immediately took him out. People told me what a great mom I was. That's what they should have said to you. Discipline is hard on parents too, but immediately removing kids is always the best.

Kids have tantrums, I would not discipline a kid having a tantrum their nervous system is in overdrive, discipline is pointless during a tantrum, they need to be comforted. I have a problem with kids who have developed zero emotional regulation due to lax parenting. The 6 year old that punches, bites, screams, cusses out the majority of the time they don’t get what they want. There are a lot of little Napoleons out there.

My high needs baby turned into a high needs 7 year old. We are trying so fing hard to help. Can the peanut gallery. Really. It makes it so much harder to stay calm when kids with regulation issues are being judged by adults that know better. I’m already focusing on my child but I can feel your glares and accusations as I try to safely extricate us from a cafe. Our waitstaff is running the card, take a breath, we’ll be out if there soon and we’ll all be calm and breathing better within 10 mins.

Ours takes 20+ mins to wind down once revved. Getting to a safer less public space isn’t a finger snap. Sometimes we have to jump through a few hoops. Like paying our bill or going to the restroom. None of these things are fun or easy. If it looks like I’m not doing enough it’s because you aren’t the one dealing with it. We minimize visits to busy places and time means carefully but sometimes things happen.

Why does it take 10 minutes to leave? You don’t need to leave permanently. Leave your Dh at the table and you take the kid to the sidewalk.

My kids know when I say “last chance or we’re leaving now” that I mean it. Because my words mean something. One of my kids is special needs too. It’s not an excuse. It just means you as a parent have a harder job.

By seven if your kid struggles out in public you don’t set them up to fail and go to those places. If there are two adults, one leaves with the child and the other pays. Kids often go through spurts where they act up. We stopped eating out for a year and worked with ours. Lots of kids have sn. It’s harder but that’s life.

+2. I have a high needs 10 year old. We are rarely in public places because of course those places stress him out? Why are these parents torturing their kids this way.

Genuinely curious—how do you work on these behaviors if you avoid things like public places?

Start at one, then try things like fast food.

At home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Siblings' relationships are unique. Those kids won't grow up to hit their friends, their spouses, their kids, anyone.

Bullshit. Parent your kids.

+1. It’s Maddening

+2. There is an epidemic of lazy, inept parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Worry about your own damned kids. Stop worrying about mine

Parent your own kids instead of making excuses.

+1,000

[Anonymous]

Jumping into the fray for giggles: I address bad behavior with my children because I love them. Do I get it right in the moment all the time? No.

[Anonymous]

Ugh. Yes, these do-nothing parents do exist. My kid was pinched -hard- by a neighbor's kid when we were at their house. She didn't want a boy playing in her house. Her parents laughed it off. No correction, no discipline.

Now the mom keeps asking when we are going to come over again. I feel sorry for her, she is lonely and can't figure out why no one ever brings their kids to her house twice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Gentle parenting is a nightmare. we were recently at the beach and our friend's child threw sand in the face of two other kids (on purpose - it was 2 consecutive incidents) and the only response was to ask him why he felt like doing that and ask if he was frustrated that he hadn't had his turn with the other child's toy that he wanted - it seems to create a sense in the kid that their feelings are all that matter.

Finding out why they’re doing it helps to figure out how to help them not do it anymore. It’s not just about feelings. It’s about motivation. You can often fix one when you understand the other.

Sure, but then you need to DO something with the information. Why did you throw the sand at larla? Because she had the bucket and you wanted a turn? I see you really wanted that bucket. You can NOT throw sand at anyone, even if you want what they have. The sand can hurt their eyes. Sit with me for 5 minutes so you can think about what you can do next time when you want something. No you can't play for 5 minutes; you hurt larla's eye, we are going to sit and think or talk about ways to make better choices or you'll have to leave the beach. I need to keep everyone here safe.

Add to this the things that the kids CAN do with sand and you've got it. This is what gentle parenting is supposed to be but boy have people bungled it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've seen this, too. I saw a three year old bite her little sister, hard, and get nothing more than a casual "we don't bite." I was shocked.

This new "time outs are cruel" school of thought is a nightmare. Yes, sometimes there are natural consequences that can work, and that's great, but Jesus, if you take a chunk out of your sisters arm, you can go sit by yourself for a hot minute.

Time outs are cruel because they leave kids alone at the point where they probably most need connection. Removing the child from the situation and staying with your child as you explain what they need to do better is ideal. And you need to balance that with giving your child positive attention when they are behaving well so they don't misbehave in order to get attention. Isolation should only be a punishment if you really cannot be with your kid at that moment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would think they aren't punishing in front of others because they think it will cause a more disruptive meltdown and that would make others uncomfortable.

Yeah, my normally well-behaved kid had a meltdown the other day at a coffee shop patio. I had warned him not to do something, he did it, and the (previously communicated) consequence was that we had to leave. I had to strap him into the stroller and walk out while he was kicking and screaming. I got some dirty looks from people and it was frustrating.

I'm sorry you got dirty looks. My 3 year old started screaming in the pizza restaurant and I immediately took him out. People told me what a great mom I was. That's what they should have said to you. Discipline is hard on parents too, but immediately removing kids is always the best.

Kids have tantrums, I would not discipline a kid having a tantrum their nervous system is in overdrive, discipline is pointless during a tantrum, they need to be comforted. I have a problem with kids who have developed zero emotional regulation due to lax parenting. The 6 year old that punches, bites, screams, cusses out the majority of the time they don’t get what they want. There are a lot of little Napoleons out there.

My high needs baby turned into a high needs 7 year old. We are trying so fing hard to help. Can the peanut gallery. Really. It makes it so much harder to stay calm when kids with regulation issues are being judged by adults that know better. I’m already focusing on my child but I can feel your glares and accusations as I try to safely extricate us from a cafe. Our waitstaff is running the card, take a breath, we’ll be out if there soon and we’ll all be calm and breathing better within 10 mins.

Ours takes 20+ mins to wind down once revved. Getting to a safer less public space isn’t a finger snap. Sometimes we have to jump through a few hoops. Like paying our bill or going to the restroom. None of these things are fun or easy. If it looks like I’m not doing enough it’s because you aren’t the one dealing with it. We minimize visits to busy places and time means carefully but sometimes things happen.

Why does it take 10 minutes to leave? You don’t need to leave permanently. Leave your Dh at the table and you take the kid to the sidewalk.

My kids know when I say “last chance or we’re leaving now” that I mean it. Because my words mean something. One of my kids is special needs too. It’s not an excuse. It just means you as a parent have a harder job.

By seven if your kid struggles out in public you don’t set them up to fail and go to those places. If there are two adults, one leaves with the child and the other pays. Kids often go through spurts where they act up. We stopped eating out for a year and worked with ours. Lots of kids have sn. It’s harder but that’s life.

+2. I have a high needs 10 year old. We are rarely in public places because of course those places stress him out? Why are these parents torturing their kids this way.

Wow. If your 10 year old is so high needs that you *avoid public places* you need an evaluation.

My 11 year old is on the spectrum and will have meltdowns every so often in public. There’s no way I’m going to make him hide away like a leper just to avoid it. That would be tremendously unfair to him and would not help him learn. Of course we try to stay aware of sensory overload and keep calm - but the key is for him to learn the cues himself to self-regulate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Gentle parenting is a nightmare. we were recently at the beach and our friend's child threw sand in the face of two other kids (on purpose - it was 2 consecutive incidents) and the only response was to ask him why he felt like doing that and ask if he was frustrated that he hadn't had his turn with the other child's toy that he wanted - it seems to create a sense in the kid that their feelings are all that matter.

No S.
Finding out why they’re doing it helps to figure out how to help them not do it anymore. It’s not just about feelings. It’s about motivation. You can often fix one when you understand the other.

Sure, but then you need to DO something with the information. Why did you throw the sand at larla? Because she had the bucket and you wanted a turn? I see you really wanted that bucket. You can NOT throw sand at anyone, even if you want what they have. The sand can hurt their eyes. Sit with me for 5 minutes so you can think about what you can do next time when you want something. No you can't play for 5 minutes; you hurt larla's eye, we are going to sit and think or talk about ways to make better choices or you'll have to leave the beach. I need to keep everyone here safe.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Gentle parenting is a nightmare. we were recently at the beach and our friend's child threw sand in the face of two other kids (on purpose - it was 2 consecutive incidents) and the only response was to ask him why he felt like doing that and ask if he was frustrated that he hadn't had his turn with the other child's toy that he wanted - it seems to create a sense in the kid that their feelings are all that matter.

Finding out why they’re doing it helps to figure out how to help them not do it anymore. It’s not just about feelings. It’s about motivation. You can often fix one when you understand the other.

Sure, but then you need to DO something with the information. Why did you throw the sand at larla? Because she had the bucket and you wanted a turn? I see you really wanted that bucket. You can NOT throw sand at anyone, even if you want what they have. The sand can hurt their eyes. Sit with me for 5 minutes so you can think about what you can do next time when you want something. No you can't play for 5 minutes; you hurt larla's eye, we are going to sit and think or talk about ways to make better choices or you'll have to leave the beach. I need to keep everyone here safe.

Add to this the things that the kids CAN do with sand and you've got it. This is what gentle parenting is supposed to be but boy have people bungled it.

Sorry I didn’t write a treatise on the additional steps. What a human failure my entire existence has become.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would think they aren't punishing in front of others because they think it will cause a more disruptive meltdown and that would make others uncomfortable.

Yeah, my normally well-behaved kid had a meltdown the other day at a coffee shop patio. I had warned him not to do something, he did it, and the (previously communicated) consequence was that we had to leave. I had to strap him into the stroller and walk out while he was kicking and screaming. I got some dirty looks from people and it was frustrating.

I'm sorry you got dirty looks. My 3 year old started screaming in the pizza restaurant and I immediately took him out. People told me what a great mom I was. That's what they should have said to you. Discipline is hard on parents too, but immediately removing kids is always the best.

Kids have tantrums, I would not discipline a kid having a tantrum their nervous system is in overdrive, discipline is pointless during a tantrum, they need to be comforted. I have a problem with kids who have developed zero emotional regulation due to lax parenting. The 6 year old that punches, bites, screams, cusses out the majority of the time they don’t get what they want. There are a lot of little Napoleons out there.

My high needs baby turned into a high needs 7 year old. We are trying so fing hard to help. Can the peanut gallery. Really. It makes it so much harder to stay calm when kids with regulation issues are being judged by adults that know better. I’m already focusing on my child but I can feel your glares and accusations as I try to safely extricate us from a cafe. Our waitstaff is running the card, take a breath, we’ll be out if there soon and we’ll all be calm and breathing better within 10 mins.

Ours takes 20+ mins to wind down once revved. Getting to a safer less public space isn’t a finger snap. Sometimes we have to jump through a few hoops. Like paying our bill or going to the restroom. None of these things are fun or easy. If it looks like I’m not doing enough it’s because you aren’t the one dealing with it. We minimize visits to busy places and time means carefully but sometimes things happen.

Why does it take 10 minutes to leave? You don’t need to leave permanently. Leave your Dh at the table and you take the kid to the sidewalk.

My kids know when I say “last chance or we’re leaving now” that I mean it. Because my words mean something. One of my kids is special needs too. It’s not an excuse. It just means you as a parent have a harder job.

By seven if your kid struggles out in public you don’t set them up to fail and go to those places. If there are two adults, one leaves with the child and the other pays. Kids often go through spurts where they act up. We stopped eating out for a year and worked with ours. Lots of kids have sn. It’s harder but that’s life.

+2. I have a high needs 10 year old. We are rarely in public places because of course those places stress him out? Why are these parents torturing their kids this way.

Genuinely curious—how do you work on these behaviors if you avoid things like public places?

Start at one, then try things like fast food.

Which is easily what that parent was trying. The one you said should stay at home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Gentle parenting is a nightmare. we were recently at the beach and our friend's child threw sand in the face of two other kids (on purpose - it was 2 consecutive incidents) and the only response was to ask him why he felt like doing that and ask if he was frustrated that he hadn't had his turn with the other child's toy that he wanted - it seems to create a sense in the kid that their feelings are all that matter.

Finding out why they’re doing it helps to figure out how to help them not do it anymore. It’s not just about feelings. It’s about motivation. You can often fix one when you understand the other.

Sure, but then you need to DO something with the information. Why did you throw the sand at larla? Because she had the bucket and you wanted a turn? I see you really wanted that bucket. You can NOT throw sand at anyone, even if you want what they have. The sand can hurt their eyes. Sit with me for 5 minutes so you can think about what you can do next time when you want something. No you can't play for 5 minutes; you hurt larla's eye, we are going to sit and think or talk about ways to make better choices or you'll have to leave the beach. I need to keep everyone here safe.

Add to this the things that the kids CAN do with sand and you've got it. This is what gentle parenting is supposed to be but boy have people bungled it.

Sorry I didn’t write a treatise on the additional steps. What a human failure my entire existence has become.

I'm actually not criticizing you. It's just an important step and I think people should know.