Morning pouncers—how to handle relatives like this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP can’t get separate lodgings without causing rift with the in-laws.

PP that said I have the same problem. The last time the person was going to stay with us, I requested he stay elsewhere because it wasn’t a good time. He said ok and showed up at my house early every morning to “spend time with us.” He might as well have just stayed at our house. OP’s in-laws would probably do something similar.

OMG, you are totally right about this. It's actually causing me to panic a bit because I can so readily picture my mother and stepfather showing up at my house at 7am ready to "spend time with us." Ugh.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m not proud of this, but once when my ILs were visiting and I had been up half the night with a 4-month-old and also had a 3yo, FIL saw me walk into the kitchen and started loudly singing “Hello, Dolly” and I knee-jerk-reaction told him to shut up and if he woke the baby or the 3yo, I would kick him out. He’s never been quite so boisterous in the morning since.

Lol!!

For me coffee is a precursor to pooping, so I don’t want to get sucked into conversation and then have to interrupt that conversation to either declare I need to poop or else come up with a feeble excuse. I will happily interact at great length after coffee, pooping, showering, and getting dressed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP can’t get separate lodgings without causing rift with the in-laws.

PP that said I have the same problem. The last time the person was going to stay with us, I requested he stay elsewhere because it wasn’t a good time. He said ok and showed up at my house early every morning to “spend time with us.” He might as well have just stayed at our house. OP’s in-laws would probably do something similar.

OMG, you are totally right about this. It's actually causing me to panic a bit because I can so readily picture my mother and stepfather showing up at my house at 7am ready to "spend time with us." Ugh.

NP. We once or twice have asked my ILs to stay at a hotel, when we were already hosting DH’s sibling/spouse/kids, or several of DH’s cousins. We told them every night after dinner, *text us* in the morning and we’ll let you know when it’s a good time to come over. They CALLED at 6 a.m. one morning, showed up unannounced at 7 another morning, on and on. Finally we told them don’t show up before 9 a.m. They pouted, but too bad. We could have arranged for earlier if you would simply send a text instead of disturbing everyone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not sure about solutions but I love the term Morning Pouncers, and will use it henceforth. I need at least 30 min of quiet in the mornings and I haaaaaaate when visitors do this!

I have these people at work and it drives ME INSANE. "Oh hey, I send you an email (at 5:37) this morning about the meeting today."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not sure about solutions but I love the term Morning Pouncers, and will use it henceforth. I need at least 30 min of quiet in the mornings and I haaaaaaate when visitors do this!

I have these people at work and it drives ME INSANE. "Oh hey, I send you an email (at 5:37) this morning about the meeting today."

My reply to this is "Yes?" with a stare and if they don't walk right the heck away and blather on I will follow up with "OK?" and depending on the person "Yes, I saw." as the first reply. Because I did see. I have my eye on email from about 7:30 and I'm processing it but they don't need to know that.

[Anonymous]

OP, you say you talk about your preferences, but my guess is that you are being much, much less direct than you need to be.

Also put up a calendar on the fridge with meals. Show the shared ones and for the others (including breakfasts), put “on your own.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you say you talk about your preferences, but my guess is that you are being much, much less direct than you need to be.

Also put up a calendar on the fridge with meals. Show the shared ones and for the others (including breakfasts), put “on your own.”

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If OP waited in her room until she was ready to face the day there would not be a problem. But she thinks she should be able to waltz into an open area, grab her coffee, and everyone else should lower their sights at her presence until she ultimately declares her ability to communicate with other humans.

…um, no. That’s not what she’s describing, at all. Quietly pouring a cup of coffee, whispering “good morning” and—if pressed—saying “I need a little more time to wake up, I’ll be back down in about 20 minutes” is fine.

+1 this is totally normal, no? Most people grab a coffee first thing, then shower/dress etc. That is certainly what I would assume someone was doing…not “ignoring me”.

No, not normal In all families/circles. We share our mornings over coffee together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If OP waited in her room until she was ready to face the day there would not be a problem. But she thinks she should be able to waltz into an open area, grab her coffee, and everyone else should lower their sights at her presence until she ultimately declares her ability to communicate with other humans.

…um, no. That’s not what she’s describing, at all. Quietly pouring a cup of coffee, whispering “good morning” and—if pressed—saying “I need a little more time to wake up, I’ll be back down in about 20 minutes” is fine.

+1 this is totally normal, no? Most people grab a coffee first thing, then shower/dress etc. That is certainly what I would assume someone was doing…not “ignoring me”.

No, not normal In all families/circles. We share our mornings over coffee together.

+1. I am actually someone who does like to get coffee and have a few minutes to myself with it to start the day. But when people use the phrase "most people" they are usually wrong and projecting their preference/style/way of life way too broadly as "the norm."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If OP waited in her room until she was ready to face the day there would not be a problem. But she thinks she should be able to waltz into an open area, grab her coffee, and everyone else should lower their sights at her presence until she ultimately declares her ability to communicate with other humans.

…um, no. That’s not what she’s describing, at all. Quietly pouring a cup of coffee, whispering “good morning” and—if pressed—saying “I need a little more time to wake up, I’ll be back down in about 20 minutes” is fine.

+1 this is totally normal, no? Most people grab a coffee first thing, then shower/dress etc. That is certainly what I would assume someone was doing…not “ignoring me”.

No, not normal In all families/circles. We share our mornings over coffee together.

I share morning coffee with people I like. That rules out certain houseguests or family members on vacation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If OP waited in her room until she was ready to face the day there would not be a problem. But she thinks she should be able to waltz into an open area, grab her coffee, and everyone else should lower their sights at her presence until she ultimately declares her ability to communicate with other humans.

…um, no. That’s not what she’s describing, at all. Quietly pouring a cup of coffee, whispering “good morning” and—if pressed—saying “I need a little more time to wake up, I’ll be back down in about 20 minutes” is fine.

+1 this is totally normal, no? Most people grab a coffee first thing, then shower/dress etc. That is certainly what I would assume someone was doing…not “ignoring me”.

No, not normal In all families/circles. We share our mornings over coffee together.

I share morning coffee with people I like. That rules out certain houseguests or family members on vacation.

The point here is that there is no "normal" or objectively correct way to be. People need to adjust and adapt when sharing space, or generally interacting, with others. The other relatives could be more understanding...but so could OP.

[Anonymous]

If my family members were unwilling to keep quiet in the morning while others were sleeping, I wouldn’t be sharing a vacation house with them. That’s just so rude IMO. It’s totally fine to start your day early and make an elaborate breakfast, but to not lower your voices and respect the others’ sleep would be a dealbreaker for me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not sure about solutions but I love the term Morning Pouncers, and will use it henceforth.

. Yes, love it!

[Anonymous]

I just grunt or growl like Brett Goldstein (Ted Lasso) and that seems to be enough to put them off

[Anonymous]

Threads like this make me so glad I'm not a coffee addict. I enjoy coffee, but I can easily chill in my room for an hour or so if I'm not quite ready to venture out and encounter the Pouncers. Coffee can wait.