Morning pouncers—how to handle relatives like this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Coffee in a thermos.

+1
Or can, bottle, etc. These days there’s a plethora of options. They might not be ideal, but at least you can fortify with caffeine before confronting the pouncers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why not just be honest? “Good morning. I’m going to take my coffee upstairs/to the porch outside for a little morning quiet and reading time.”

OP here. That’s exactly what we do. If we go to the porch, they follow and talk. If we go upstairs, it’s loud talking about “I don’t know, if I make eggs, they’ll just get cold. I don’t know when Sally’s coming down to make more coffee [there’s a full pot minus the one cup I took upstairs]” and yes, in our home, all is set up and available to help themselves to anything and they’ve been told help yourselves.

I guess we will do separate lodging when possible.

Tell them “please don’t worry about making breakfast for any of my family. We all wake up late so we’ll just get breakfast on our own.”

Exactly. Every night, remind them of your timing for the next day: "We'll be up around 9, so please don't wait for breakfast for us, we can grab some cereal on our own. We look forward to going to the zoo at 10!"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I thinks it’s unreasonable to demand quiet time when you have a guest in your home. You literally just had 8 hours of sleep and you want quiet time on your porch while guests…. Avoid you? This sounds borderline rude.

No one is “demanding” anything. Some people like to relax on *vacation* and ease into the day. If saying things like “I set out breakfast and coffee supplies—please help yourself, we prefer to wake up a little later and not eat a big breakfast” doesn’t work, then oh well. If you want to visit my household, you are welcome, but I am not going to wake up at 6:30 and cook a full breakfast that no one in my family will eat. If you aren’t picking up the social cues that not everyone wants to talk the second they get up and would prefer to enjoy some coffee in relative peace, you are probably not a popular guest or vacation companion.

[Anonymous]

I’m confused. Is OP hosting in this situation? I didn’t think so because why would the guests be making breakfast and coffee for OP? I assumed that OP and this family were sharing a house, or OP is visiting this family.

[Anonymous]

Why not keep a coffee maker and supplies in your room?

[Anonymous]

Separate lodging is the correct answer.

I’m a late riser like this. If I can’t stay separately, then I just stay in my room until I’m awake. If you get up at 11 or noon, you don’t really need coffee to wake up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you have successfully navigated family members or ILs like this, I’d love your tips.

On vacation, or even just when we have visitors or are visiting relatives, my family likes to take our time in the mornings. If we have a reason to get up and get going, like church or a planned activity or a planned day trip or something, of course we get up and get going. But otherwise, we like to relax and ease into the day.

Some of our relatives are Morning Pouncers. They talk loudly, make no attempt to be a little quiet if people are still sleeping, start fussing about making an elaborate breakfast that none of my family wants, at least not at 6 a.m. In the summer, I’m able to sneak downstairs, get an iced coffee from the fridge, and hide in the bedroom to get at least 30 minutes of blessed quiet, but in winter, I’m trapped with no coffee, because if they see me, they expect full and instant contact and being “on.” We’ve tried talking about our preference to ease into the day, but if they see any of us, the expectations and the noise start, full-on. Any advice?

I genuinely don't see how the season makes a difference here?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you have successfully navigated family members or ILs like this, I’d love your tips.

On vacation, or even just when we have visitors or are visiting relatives, my family likes to take our time in the mornings. If we have a reason to get up and get going, like church or a planned activity or a planned day trip or something, of course we get up and get going. But otherwise, we like to relax and ease into the day.

Some of our relatives are Morning Pouncers. They talk loudly, make no attempt to be a little quiet if people are still sleeping, start fussing about making an elaborate breakfast that none of my family wants, at least not at 6 a.m. In the summer, I’m able to sneak downstairs, get an iced coffee from the fridge, and hide in the bedroom to get at least 30 minutes of blessed quiet, but in winter, I’m trapped with no coffee, because if they see me, they expect full and instant contact and being “on.” We’ve tried talking about our preference to ease into the day, but if they see any of us, the expectations and the noise start, full-on. Any advice?

I genuinely don't see how the season makes a difference here?

She’s able to get premade coffee out of the fridge rather than having to make hot coffee in the kitchen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m confused. Is OP hosting in this situation? I didn’t think so because why would the guests be making breakfast and coffee for OP? I assumed that OP and this family were sharing a house, or OP is visiting this family.

She mentioned several different scenarios, which is what I think is confusing the conversation. I think it’s fine on vacation to want to do a little bit of your own thing, but when you’re hosting family in your home, it’s a little bit of a different scenario. Eg OP said “or even just when we have visitors ”

[Anonymous]

First, I think it is important to be clear that neither the "morning pouncer" not the "slow starter" is objectively wrong in this situation.

A similar post could be written from the opposite point of view, and I think has, about family members who expect everybody else to be quiet and inactive in the morning so they can sleep in and wake slowly.

To me, a common area is a common area in a house and people should expect interaction and inactivity in those spaces. I often retreat to my own bedroom/office when we are hosts or hosted because I need quiet time. It is fine. Go get your coffee, say you are not all the way ready for the day, and go back to your room until you are. If people really follow you there, repeat that you are not ready for the interactions of the day yet.

And also, consider adjusting your routine and preference, and simply accommodating for these short trips.

[Anonymous]

OP wants her guests/travel companions to adjust to her routine, but doesn’t want to adjust to theirs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you have successfully navigated family members or ILs like this, I’d love your tips.

On vacation, or even just when we have visitors or are visiting relatives, my family likes to take our time in the mornings. If we have a reason to get up and get going, like church or a planned activity or a planned day trip or something, of course we get up and get going. But otherwise, we like to relax and ease into the day.

Some of our relatives are Morning Pouncers. They talk loudly, make no attempt to be a little quiet if people are still sleeping, start fussing about making an elaborate breakfast that none of my family wants, at least not at 6 a.m. In the summer, I’m able to sneak downstairs, get an iced coffee from the fridge, and hide in the bedroom to get at least 30 minutes of blessed quiet, but in winter, I’m trapped with no coffee, because if they see me, they expect full and instant contact and being “on.” We’ve tried talking about our preference to ease into the day, but if they see any of us, the expectations and the noise start, full-on. Any advice?

I genuinely don't see how the season makes a difference here?

She’s able to get premade coffee out of the fridge rather than having to make hot coffee in the kitchen.

I'm sorry that is silly. I'd be shocked if there was not a pot of coffee already made if everyone is up and active. And if there isn't....set a timer or buy a Keurig. Goodness.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like the pouncers are at least one full strength coffee ahead of everyone else. Perhaps switch them to decaf?

[Anonymous]

This is why I don’t vacation w family

[Anonymous]

I have the same issue as OP. I just want 30 minutes in peace and to drink 2 cups of coffee before interacting. DH is the same. We have one guest that acts just as OP describes. I think a small coffee maker in the bedroom is the best solution.