For those of you who don't have family help...

[Anonymous]

Another vote for taking a day off while your child is in daycare.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:1. Most married people don’t get overnight trips away from their kids together. It’s just not normal.

2. You aren’t hearing the down side to the “my parents are around all the time” setup, so don’t imagine it’s all peachy. There are good and bad parts, like anything. But you seem to be envisioning only the good parts of another setup and noticing only the bad parts of yours.

I hear you on point 1, but your point 2 is ridiculous. Sure there are down sides to everything in life, but with rare exceptions it’s better to have family help than not. Get real.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know a couple who's kids have a standing "date" with her parents every week. Every single week, they drop the 2 kids off and pick them up the next day. I would kill for that! So I get the jealousy.

Yea this is the dream but it’s really not that common. I don’t really have any advice other than you get get thru it and this too shall pass. Now I have teens and I’m dreading the empty nest.

[Anonymous]

OP, I feel you. I am in this situation too and it is exacerbated by my youngest being a really though kid.

You only have one kid -- find someone in a similar situation and be each other's overnight babysitter! I have done this for friends a few times. I know someone would probably do it for us but am not ready yet because of DS's special needs. But I am truly happy to help a friend out in that way, and I bet your friends would be too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So my husband and I are 40, and we are happy but sometimes exhausted parents of a lively and wonderful 1-year-old. Being older parents, and DH and I both also having parents who had us later in life, the 4 grandparents are all thankfully alive and loving, but in their late 70-early 80's and in varying states of health. They all love visiting with our kid, but none of them are really capable of watching a toddler on their own for even a pretty short period of time.

So when i hear about friends who are able to drop off their young kids off at grandma's and go away for the weekend to celebrate their anniversary, I seethe with jealousy. We wouldn't even be able to do that for a date night. We're probably not going to have another baby, but if we were I'd probably have to stay in the hospital by myself.

I guess I want to hear from others in this situation (or anyone else who has helpful thoughts) on how to deal with this both on an emotional level and a practical one. How to deal with the feelings of disappointment and jealously, and preventing it from turning it into resentment, either towards my parents and IL's who are all honestly lovely, or toward others who have the luxury of young, helpful grandparents?

And then on a practical level, how to compensate for this as much as we can. It's easy for us to trade off to give each other solo breaks, and we can use a babysitter for an evening. But I don't know when we'll ever be to get away by ourselves and be able to relax and reconnect, and I worry about the effect of that on our marriage. At what age is it ok to leave your child with a paid babysitter, or a friend maybe, overnight? I've thought about DH and I taking the day off and doing something fun together while DS is in daycare. Any other strategies?

dear. Dear, so entitled! You had a child in your 40's and think your parents owe you free child care! Hire a babysitter!

[Anonymous]

We don't have family help. I have an 8 and 6 year old. I've been away from my kids overnight 3 times: an out of town wedding I was gone 2 days/2 nights when he was 2 years old; when my nephew was born and I went to visit my brother and SIL also gone 2 days/2 nights when my son was 4 years old and my daughter was 2; and another out of town wedding I went to solo for 2 days/2 nights when the kids were 5 and 3. Each time my spouse stayed home and took care of the kids. My spouse and I have never had an overnight or weekend alone together since the kids were born. My parents live far away and visit us 2-3x per year but have never offered to babysit at all. I think if we had an emergency or some type of situation where we really needed help, they would come and take care of the kids. But they are not the type of grandparents who want to be babysitting the kids so we wouldn't ask them to unless we really needed the help. My in-laws live closer but they are not able to babysit because my MIL has dementia and FIL is her full time caregiver so we'd never ask them.

It is what it is. It is too bad. It's hard to see others around you dropping their kids off at the grandparents' house for sleepovers or going on trips and having the grandparents stay w/ the kids or having someone local to call on in emergency situations. I wish we had that. But at the same time, I know every family has its problems. My next door neighbors have local grandparents who help them out w/ their kids a lot and I once commented how nice that must be and they kind of rolled their eyes and indicated that it wasn't so perfect since the grandparents are a little too enmeshed in their lives and they wish they had some space. The grass is always greener...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:1. Most married people don’t get overnight trips away from their kids together. It’s just not normal.

2. You aren’t hearing the down side to the “my parents are around all the time” setup, so don’t imagine it’s all peachy. There are good and bad parts, like anything. But you seem to be envisioning only the good parts of another setup and noticing only the bad parts of yours.

Different poster. I am in the same situation as you OP, and I have to agree with both of these. Some people get the overnight trips but it's not the norm. I know I notice it more because we don't have it so it stands out to me, but when I actually take a step back, I realize we are far from alone.

The downsides of having parents around is real, from what I hear from my friends and what I imagine if mine were around all the time. My brother, who has always used his in-laws for free childcare, often says to me "nothing is truly free!"

Your friends and brother are saying this to you only because they know your situation and they’re being polite. The truth is they would not trade places with you for all the money in the world.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So my husband and I are 40, and we are happy but sometimes exhausted parents of a lively and wonderful 1-year-old. Being older parents, and DH and I both also having parents who had us later in life, the 4 grandparents are all thankfully alive and loving, but in their late 70-early 80's and in varying states of health. They all love visiting with our kid, but none of them are really capable of watching a toddler on their own for even a pretty short period of time.

So when i hear about friends who are able to drop off their young kids off at grandma's and go away for the weekend to celebrate their anniversary, I seethe with jealousy. We wouldn't even be able to do that for a date night. We're probably not going to have another baby, but if we were I'd probably have to stay in the hospital by myself.

I guess I want to hear from others in this situation (or anyone else who has helpful thoughts) on how to deal with this both on an emotional level and a practical one. How to deal with the feelings of disappointment and jealously, and preventing it from turning it into resentment, either towards my parents and IL's who are all honestly lovely, or toward others who have the luxury of young, helpful grandparents?

And then on a practical level, how to compensate for this as much as we can. It's easy for us to trade off to give each other solo breaks, and we can use a babysitter for an evening. But I don't know when we'll ever be to get away by ourselves and be able to relax and reconnect, and I worry about the effect of that on our marriage. At what age is it ok to leave your child with a paid babysitter, or a friend maybe, overnight? I've thought about DH and I taking the day off and doing something fun together while DS is in daycare. Any other strategies?

OP, it is difficult. We only have DH's family near by, and they are only interested in themselves, so you are not alone.

Get to know some loving, warm, reliable babysitters in your area. Well worth it!

[Anonymous]

My in laws are in their mid-70s and live in Detroit. We have two daughters. Last year, when our kids were 4 and 2 the ILs offered to take them for 3 nights so that we could go away for a long weekend for our 10 year anniversary. But when it came time for us to book our travel, they backed out saying they didn't think they could handle two little kids and maybe they would be more comfortable when the kids are older and a little more independent, like 8 and 6. Of course, DH pointed out to them that they will also be four years older by that point. We aren't holding our breath that it will ever happen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents were able to help out the first few years, but they a) live out of state and b) have had health issues recently. So we are now in the camp of not being able to get away on our own. Recently, friends of ours who got married around the same time as us just went on a 2 week international trip for their 10 year anniversary whereas DH and I got a sitter to go out for a nice dinner locally.

It is what it is, but I do feel like people parenting with lots of family help are doing so on the “easy” setting. And I know plenty of people with genuinely helpful parents who don’t cause drama, so anyone claiming it always/often comes with drawbacks is just deluding themselves. DH and I know we have it harder than other parents (including having a special needs kid). We have just come to accept it, and honestly I’m pretty proud of how we always make the best of things and get through it together. Whereas some couples seem to fall apart at the smallest hardship.

What helps — realizing that kids get easier as they get older. Also, resorts with kids clubs are great once your kids are like 3-4 y/o +. Or bringing a sitter/nanny on vacation with you. You have a 1 year old which isn’t much fun for travel, but it won’t be like this forever.

Girls’ trip and guys’ trips. DH and I make sure to plan long weekends away with our friends so we each get some breaks throughout the year.

Also, being grateful for what we have. Our kids have 4 loving grandparents in their lives who try to visit when they can. Not everyone has living parents who show an interest in their children’s lives.

Money and/or flexibility at work. It sounds like you both work, so try to prioritize money to outsource or flexibility to handle things since you’re doing it on your own.

Exercise. I’ve found I’m happier when I take the time to work out a few times per week. I still feel like “me” getting this time away and I’m more energized for my kids.

OP here. This is great advice thank you, and thank you and thanks to posters with similar suggestions and thoughts.

[Anonymous]

We don't have family help, but we have a nanny and are not afraid to hire babysitters. When we talked about expanding our family we specifically talked about who we would let watch a baby for us and how we would keep our romance alive and our sanity. A nanny + babysitters solves all these issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My in laws are in their mid-70s and live in Detroit. We have two daughters. Last year, when our kids were 4 and 2 the ILs offered to take them for 3 nights so that we could go away for a long weekend for our 10 year anniversary. But when it came time for us to book our travel, they backed out saying they didn't think they could handle two little kids and maybe they would be more comfortable when the kids are older and a little more independent, like 8 and 6. Of course, DH pointed out to them that they will also be four years older by that point. We aren't holding our breath that it will ever happen.

OP here. It was generous of them to offer that, but probably responsible for them to back out -- I can't picture many people that age having kids that little for that long and it working out well.

[Anonymous]

I am a 61 year old grandmother who was a stay at home mom. DH is a year older and retired early. We are not what DCUM would consider wealthy but financially we are quite comfortable. And we are healthy.

All of our kids and grandkids live within a 20 minute drive from us in the DC area, some even closer than that. We had them young (early and mid 20s) and they had their kids relatively young (around 30).

Our kids would likely agree that we have had almost as much of a hand in the grandkids upbringing as they have. Other than extended day after school, they have never had a babysitter or nanny. They routinely spend nights with us. They never have to worry about saying “no” to the weddings of good friends in far away places, planning weekend getaways, etc. I can’t even begin to put a price tag on the amount of help that we give them literally every single day.

They know how lucky they are, and so do we. There’s lots of talk here about the “price you pay when you let the boomers meddle,” but that is just something that people on the defensive make up. The truth is, our kids and their kids would not have anything close to the family lives that they have now if it weren’t for us. But we don’t ever tell them that. We don’t have to. They know it.

Women wait too long to have kids, especially around here, and they’re too driven in their careers and in all the competition to prioritize. They move away from or become semi-estranged from their parents in the relentless pursuit of opportunity and personal fulfillment. Then they get all resentful when parents and other family members can’t or won’t drop everything so they can “have it all.”

[Anonymous]

^ That sounds really nice, but I'm not sure how it's helpful?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:1. Most married people don’t get overnight trips away from their kids together. It’s just not normal.

2. You aren’t hearing the down side to the “my parents are around all the time” setup, so don’t imagine it’s all peachy. There are good and bad parts, like anything. But you seem to be envisioning only the good parts of another setup and noticing only the bad parts of yours.

This. My parents are around all the time and are helpful, but I pay emotionally and mentally for the 5-6 nights a year my kids spend the night at their house and the other help they provide. My parents will provide almost any help I need, but they will not suggest or plan anything on their own. My mom has mobility issues and dietary restrictions, yet she will not research or call or plan anything. She will just say “let’s have brunch” and if I ask where she says “oh, you pick” It’s that way for everything. They come to every sporting event or school performance and my kids love it - but my parents are visibly annoyed when I talk to my friends and socialize part of the time instead of sitting with them. Sometimes I long for the freedom to just worry about my spouse and children and not have to plan for 2 extra adults at all times. I love them, but they are retired and I work full time and yet they never acknowledge or seem to understand how much work they make for me - even when I ask for the tiniest bit of help like a list of potential restaurants for a vacation I plan and pay for that they join us on annually.