My kid talks to adults too much

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it’s fair to say that most adults - most, not all - don’t want to spend a lot of time talking with a stranger’s kid. The polite thing for you to do would be to nip this in the bud every time. Don’t let him do it, even if the adult seems interested. Just don’t.

Surely there are other avenues for discussing his interests. Sign him up for clubs. Explore on line opportunities for interactions (safe ones, of course). Just don’t tell yourself that he’s different, smarter, more enjoyable, or whatever else you think he might be and that this justifies your allowing him to talk other adults’ ears off. You may think he’s all of these things, and he very well may be. But to the vast majority of the stranger adults he deals with, after a minute or two he’s just another annoying kid.

You really think it would be good parenting for OP to tell her kid that adults don’t want him to speak to them? Really? What message does that send? He’d end up with his mom’s crippling anxiety and your lack of social skills. His mom is probably going to listen to your crappy advice because she’s so embarrassed to have a kid who can carry a conversation. That kid sounds great and you guys just want to bring him down to your level.

Stop trolling, would you please?

I’m sure the kid is great, but most adults don’t give a flying fig. They don’t want to talk to a strange kid, and they don’t want to be rude to one either. So that’s when the parent steps in. No one is saying she has to do it forever. But right now the kid is 10, so right now she does.

[Anonymous]

Code word is the way to go. Sounds like you’ve done a good job teaching him about social cues, since he gets it & respects them. He just might be too young for social nuances (like the polite pilot on the plane who would really love to take a nap). So just work out a code word with him & then when you use it, it’s time to give the adult some quiet time - & you can explain later why, so that he can learn.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:On a plane this young man shouldn't be sitting next to a stranger unless a parent is literally also sitting right next to him and can intervene if things get awkward. The easiest preventative is to sit him by the window and you sit in the middle seat.

Lol. Kids get the middle.

Most kids, but not this kid, not if his mom is all worried about who he is going to bore to death.

[Anonymous]

You should take your son to a retirement community. Old people there would love to talk to him.
Honestly I find it annoying when kids come up and want to talk and talk to me. I don’t have the heart to be mean so I half listen but find it terribly annoying. I have my own two kids I prefer to talk to about random things.

[Anonymous]

If I didn't want to talk to a kid I would chat for a couple minutes and then say "well, I need to do some work now but it was awesome to talk with you!" Same as with an adult. Isn't that what most people would do? If the kid persists then sure, parent should intervene, but an adult who gives every appearance of happily conversing is probably just enjoying the conversation. Some people just enjoy chatting, or just like kids, or whatever. I don't think you should assume all adults secretly hate talking with your kid and I definitely do not think you should put that thought in his head, you don't actually want him to internalize that "I can't tell if people like talking to me and most people don't." That's a messed up thing to believe about yourself and from what you've said here it probably isn't true!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You seem overly obsessed with your bright child. Just let him be.

Seems jealous.

Yeah, no. But it took you long enough to get here, “you must be jealous” PP!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Long story short, he reads well above his grade level and have some niche interests that he'll happily discuss with adults all day long. No Asperger's or anything, just a kid who loves to read and loves discussing what he's learned with people who get it, which most of his peers do not. E.g., last month we hired a fishing charter, and he spent most of the time talking to the captain about barques vs. brigantines. Or he'll chat up the poor deadheading pilot next to him on the plane about what kind of approach he thinks we might be flying in this weather. We've had long discussions about how adults usually want quiet and he needs to be very aware for hints they're done talking, but it doesn't seem to be sticking. "But my friends don't know anything about things like this." He will stop talking to someone who appears to be done, but next time he runs across an adult who seems like they might know something about something he's into, he strikes up a conversation again. He's only 10, and adults hate it. Any advice?

These two seem like opposites to me.

Some people are more social than others. If he's talking to an adult, then stopping when they appear bored or done, then striking up another conversation with another adult, that sounds totally fine? And actually pretty advanced for his age? I do feel like most smart, oldest kids I know go through a phase like this right around 10, but if he's actually watching cues and cutting off when the adult is bored or sending signals he's done, then that all sounds great. And if you're watching from the sidelines thinking "I would hate this"... well that's a you problem.

If, however, the other adults are showing signs that THEY hate it - you can help provide the adult with an opportunity to move on. You can insert yourself and redirect him. Or you can insert an opportunity for that person to step away "I'm sure this man needs to focus on driving the boat" that also gives the boat driver a chance to say "oh, nah, we're on cruise control, here let me show you this lever" or whatever. You should also talk to him about being aware when a person is "trapped" - if you're at a party, it's easier for someone to make excuses and walk over to the snack table, if you're on a plane, the person you're talking to is somewhat trapped and you need to lean more on the side of shutting up.

So which of those bolded options this actually is sounds like a critical difference.

Ok, truthfully, I don't know if they hate it. I'm not a kid person, and I would hate it, so I'm making a lot of assumptions. I mean...don't most adults hate talking to kids? Especially ones who don't act their age?

Many of them do hate it, op. Of course they do!

Even if it’s a “shared” interest. Say I, a grown up woman, am an avid spelunker. unless I’m teaching your child spelunking I would be happy to exchange two sentences with a 10 year old about spelunking on a plane but beyond that I’d be nodding along and wishing you would get a handle on sir talksalot. Especially if he “knew a lot about it.”

So use your words and tell the kid you’d like to read your book/take a nap/watch a movie.

So many awkward adults, the kid isn’t the issue.

See, you sound like someone who would let their 5th grader talk a strangers ear off about a subject they, the 5th grader “know a lot about.” I don’t know any adults who would want to do that for more than 2 minutes. Yes I could eventually get the signal across to the kid but likely not as quickly as I’d like. Why isn’t mom teaching him this, since she’s adamant he is not on the spectrum so it shouldn’t be a big challenge?

I could get a young guest to stop tramping around my house with muddy shoes too but if his mom were right there it would be rude of her not to do it first.

I promise you that you're not as smart as you think.

Ditto.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:On a plane this young man shouldn't be sitting next to a stranger unless a parent is literally also sitting right next to him and can intervene if things get awkward. The easiest preventative is to sit him by the window and you sit in the middle seat.

Lol. Kids get the middle.

Most kids, but not this kid, not if his mom is all worried about who he is going to bore to death.

NP. No one cares enough about protecting you from a 10 year old kid's conversation to sit in the middle seat. Not gonna happen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it’s fair to say that most adults - most, not all - don’t want to spend a lot of time talking with a stranger’s kid. The polite thing for you to do would be to nip this in the bud every time. Don’t let him do it, even if the adult seems interested. Just don’t.

Surely there are other avenues for discussing his interests. Sign him up for clubs. Explore on line opportunities for interactions (safe ones, of course). Just don’t tell yourself that he’s different, smarter, more enjoyable, or whatever else you think he might be and that this justifies your allowing him to talk other adults’ ears off. You may think he’s all of these things, and he very well may be. But to the vast majority of the stranger adults he deals with, after a minute or two he’s just another annoying kid.

I did this with my bright, chatty kid until I realized I got a lot of pushback from most of the adults he was talking to. At that point, I realized i became the odd one making the situation impolite.

Now I don't interfere. Feeling the sting of rejection is one way of learning when is the appropriate time to talk. As he’s getting older (middle school), he’s better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You seem overly obsessed with your bright child. Just let him be.

While he will probably figure out that he is annoying soon enough and adjust with age, it does not hurt to guide him so he can pick up some social cues.

I have a cousin who was a like this as a child. She was quite annoying. She is wiser as an adult, so she usually knows when to stop. But she still talks too much. Most people like that she does most of the talking so they don't have to. Some people are annoyed. Overall, it works for her, and it has played a huge part in her extremely successful career.

Her daughter is exactly like this too at 11, and her teachers complain about it.

My cousin suspects they are on the spectrum, and my cousin has 2 male siblings who are clearly( diagnosed) on the spectrum.

[Anonymous]

Most kids like this are on the spectrum. I have yet to encounter a kid who only wants to talk and talk to an adult who isn’t on the spectrum. Not a big deal really but it’s certainly a trait

[Anonymous]

I think the situation will fix itself in a few years when he starts going through the awkward, self-conscious phase of adolescence and the late tween/early teen years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Long story short, he reads well above his grade level and have some niche interests that he'll happily discuss with adults all day long. No Asperger's or anything, just a kid who loves to read and loves discussing what he's learned with people who get it, which most of his peers do not. E.g., last month we hired a fishing charter, and he spent most of the time talking to the captain about barques vs. brigantines. Or he'll chat up the poor deadheading pilot next to him on the plane about what kind of approach he thinks we might be flying in this weather. We've had long discussions about how adults usually want quiet and he needs to be very aware for hints they're done talking, but it doesn't seem to be sticking. "But my friends don't know anything about things like this." He will stop talking to someone who appears to be done, but next time he runs across an adult who seems like they might know something about something he's into, he strikes up a conversation again. He's only 10, and adults hate it. Any advice?

These two seem like opposites to me.

Some people are more social than others. If he's talking to an adult, then stopping when they appear bored or done, then striking up another conversation with another adult, that sounds totally fine? And actually pretty advanced for his age? I do feel like most smart, oldest kids I know go through a phase like this right around 10, but if he's actually watching cues and cutting off when the adult is bored or sending signals he's done, then that all sounds great. And if you're watching from the sidelines thinking "I would hate this"... well that's a you problem.

If, however, the other adults are showing signs that THEY hate it - you can help provide the adult with an opportunity to move on. You can insert yourself and redirect him. Or you can insert an opportunity for that person to step away "I'm sure this man needs to focus on driving the boat" that also gives the boat driver a chance to say "oh, nah, we're on cruise control, here let me show you this lever" or whatever. You should also talk to him about being aware when a person is "trapped" - if you're at a party, it's easier for someone to make excuses and walk over to the snack table, if you're on a plane, the person you're talking to is somewhat trapped and you need to lean more on the side of shutting up.

So which of those bolded options this actually is sounds like a critical difference.

Ok, truthfully, I don't know if they hate it. I'm not a kid person, and I would hate it, so I'm making a lot of assumptions. I mean...don't most adults hate talking to kids? Especially ones who don't act their age?

Many of them do hate it, op. Of course they do!

Even if it’s a “shared” interest. Say I, a grown up woman, am an avid spelunker. unless I’m teaching your child spelunking I would be happy to exchange two sentences with a 10 year old about spelunking on a plane but beyond that I’d be nodding along and wishing you would get a handle on sir talksalot. Especially if he “knew a lot about it.”

So use your words and tell the kid you’d like to read your book/take a nap/watch a movie.

So many awkward adults, the kid isn’t the issue.

+1. My friend has a kid like this. He is not on the spectrum but he does have mild adhd. When I am ready to be done chatting about whatever his chosen interest is (usually military history or geography) I tell him that it is time for adults to talk now and to find something else to play with. I say it in a nice tone. He moves on.

[Anonymous]

My (adult) stepson was like this. And he didn't grow out of it very much.

To this day he will get "stuck" on a topic and doesn't pick up on non-verbal cues when the conversation has run its course. It's difficult because I'll see the other party trying to change topics and it doesn't work, so they end up finding a way to just escape him. I find myself reluctant to start talking to him about anything beyond light chit-chat because it's going to be an unnecessarily long, generally one-sided after a point, conversation that I'll have to find a way to end. He has never been evaluated, but I've always suspected he's on the spectrum.

I like the idea of a code phrase for your son.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You should take your son to a retirement community. Old people there would love to talk to him.
Honestly I find it annoying when kids come up and want to talk and talk to me. I don’t have the heart to be mean so I half listen but find it terribly annoying. I have my own two kids I prefer to talk to about random things.

This is pretty good advice and as well as an accurate portrayal of how most adults think. We have a very smart, pleasant, funny, likable and very talkative 10 year old granddaughter. We love her dearly, as do her parents, but we’d never “inflict” her on adult strangers. Until she fully learns and appreciates social clues, we cut her off every time.