Backed out of paid activity - did I do the right thing?

[Anonymous]

I think it is impossible for any of us to judge who is in the right here not knowing your kid and not being there at the time. I have been in this exact situation with my kids where I know they would love something, but they are scared and won't do it, but just need that extra push. Pushing through anxiety and coming out the other side is one of the best feelings in life. Whether it is getting up in front of the class for the class play, or zip lining, or soccer tryouts, sometimes you just have to do it despite being scared or afraid.

For all of the "zip-lining is dangerous" types, it absolutely isn't. I think there is a lot of scared parents on this thread that are projecting their own fears onto the child in OPs post.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it is impossible for any of us to judge who is in the right here not knowing your kid and not being there at the time. I have been in this exact situation with my kids where I know they would love something, but they are scared and won't do it, but just need that extra push. Pushing through anxiety and coming out the other side is one of the best feelings in life. Whether it is getting up in front of the class for the class play, or zip lining, or soccer tryouts, sometimes you just have to do it despite being scared or afraid.

For all of the "zip-lining is dangerous" types, it absolutely isn't. I think there is a lot of scared parents on this thread that are projecting their own fears onto the child in OPs post.

It's clear to me from OP's post that a child with a normal "push-able" amount of fear isn't going to have a meltdown over it, whereas here this child did. OP mentioned this child has issues. Not only that, but the parents knew beforehand that this child wouldn't like this activity. So your conclusions are completely off, PP. Nowhere did OP say that their child wanted to do this. They actually said they did not.

If you haven't felt a complete block over something in your life, count yourself lucky. Likewise if your children have not had this. You just cannot measure the psychological harm you can do to a child with special needs by forcing them into something that's traumatic to them. It's abusive. More importantly, it will damage your relationship, because they are less likely to trust you, since you are the source of stressful events. This means that going forward, you are probably going to make the block worse, not better, and it might expand to all the things you suggest, just because they come from you, and you have proven yourself to be unreliable for their sense of safety.

There are ways to treat phobias, and throwing patients in the deep end is not it. Since this is ziplining for a child with issues, most people would be reasonable enough to let it go, instead of either forcing the matter and creating a lot of pain, or gradually exposing their child to their phobia according to the standard of care. For ziplining, it's just not worth it. For other activities, it might be.

You come across as very ignorant.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it is impossible for any of us to judge who is in the right here not knowing your kid and not being there at the time. I have been in this exact situation with my kids where I know they would love something, but they are scared and won't do it, but just need that extra push. Pushing through anxiety and coming out the other side is one of the best feelings in life. Whether it is getting up in front of the class for the class play, or zip lining, or soccer tryouts, sometimes you just have to do it despite being scared or afraid.

For all of the "zip-lining is dangerous" types, it absolutely isn't. I think there is a lot of scared parents on this thread that are projecting their own fears onto the child in OPs post.

Any activity that requires you to sign waiver of liability is okay to refuse.

[Anonymous]

There’s a big difference between trying something outside your comfort zone or joining in on something that wouldn’t be your pick, and doing something that causes a panic attack or similar. I have a kid with anxiety and sometimes the line is hard to find but I don’t think that’s the case here. Your husband is wrong.
I had a total panic attack jet skiing and will never do THAT again.

[Anonymous]

I’ve been ziplining before. They are very clear that they won’t push anyone off the platforms. You have to do it yourself. If the kid was already in meltdown mode at the test line, no way they would’ve let them do the rest anyway. They would’ve sent you back to wait for the rest of your party. Dad is an idiot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, it was zip lining. DD is being treated for certain issues and is not "typical" in some ways. So it can be very difficult to know how to navigate day to day with her. I went with my instincts on this but am paying for it now.

I am an adult and I don’t want to go zip lining. It’s terrifying to me. You did the right thing OP.

[Anonymous]

My oldest DS is not an anxious person. He is a college student and just spent a semester abroad having a great time, and is backpacking around SE Asia right now alone for a few days until he meets up with friends. He is outdoorsy and likes to hike and kayak, he performs on stage in a singing group, he will try any new food without hesitation, and is just generally the first person to say yes to new experiences.

He does NOT, however, like heights. Never has. Hated school trips to Kings Dominion because he didn't like rollercoasters. Doesn't like to ride the ski lift (but will because he likes to snow board, but he has to psyche himself up for it.) Wouldn't go up the Eiffel Tower in Paris. I am he exact same way, and I don't have any kind of anxiety about most things. We have both gotten to the point where we can control our fear where it is necessary, but when it is optional, we absolutely choose to avoid any kind of heights or thrill rides.

When we went to Hawaii my DH and DD went ziplining one afternoon, and my son and I went to a lavender farm, and then we all met up for lunch and he was lovely asking his little sister about her experience and oohing and aahing over her pictures and we all had a nice little family vacation without anyone pouting or being annoyed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it is impossible for any of us to judge who is in the right here not knowing your kid and not being there at the time. I have been in this exact situation with my kids where I know they would love something, but they are scared and won't do it, but just need that extra push. Pushing through anxiety and coming out the other side is one of the best feelings in life. Whether it is getting up in front of the class for the class play, or zip lining, or soccer tryouts, sometimes you just have to do it despite being scared or afraid.

For all of the "zip-lining is dangerous" types, it absolutely isn't. I think there is a lot of scared parents on this thread that are projecting their own fears onto the child in OPs post.

It's clear to me from OP's post that a child with a normal "push-able" amount of fear isn't going to have a meltdown over it, whereas here this child did. OP mentioned this child has issues. Not only that, but the parents knew beforehand that this child wouldn't like this activity. So your conclusions are completely off, PP. Nowhere did OP say that their child wanted to do this. They actually said they did not.

If you haven't felt a complete block over something in your life, count yourself lucky. Likewise if your children have not had this. You just cannot measure the psychological harm you can do to a child with special needs by forcing them into something that's traumatic to them. It's abusive. More importantly, it will damage your relationship, because they are less likely to trust you, since you are the source of stressful events. This means that going forward, you are probably going to make the block worse, not better, and it might expand to all the things you suggest, just because they come from you, and you have proven yourself to be unreliable for their sense of safety.

There are ways to treat phobias, and throwing patients in the deep end is not it. Since this is ziplining for a child with issues, most people would be reasonable enough to let it go, instead of either forcing the matter and creating a lot of pain, or gradually exposing their child to their phobia according to the standard of care. For ziplining, it's just not worth it. For other activities, it might be.

You come across as very ignorant.

I have a son with anxiety and high functioning autism who I often have to push out of his comfort zone. He has had meltdowns over all sorts of things like haircuts (he still hates them, but is better tolerating them now) and roller coasters (loves them and is so glad we convinced him to go), swimming, button down shirts, and a million other things. You can't avoid everything in life by throwing a fit and not trying it. My son was super scared of ziplines too, but I know him and was able to prepare him ahead of time and talk him into doing them at camp this year for school and he loved them and is so glad he went.

Could OPs kid have been like this and really enjoyed ziplines if pushed / convinced? I guess we will never know, but dad thinks the answer is yes and mom disagrees.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:See, I would have taken this a win. I have an anxious son and we went to a resort that had zip lining. He said he wanted to try (I’m smarter than that and said no way), so he did the training, I watched him go up the tower, and waited for him to come out. A few minutes later I saw him start to climb back down the tower, and he walked back. I was proud of this kid for trying, and the money was gone whether he slid down or walked back. You husband is a jerk.

I love this and feel the same way. Any time my anxious teen tries something, I'm thrilled.

To be fair, OP sounds like that kind of mom. Dad sounds like your typical kinda jerky, controlling dad who doesn’t bother to empathize with their kids or understand when their quirks/needs don’t align with Dad’s personal interests.

[Anonymous]

Something legitimately scary like ziplining, I agree with OP. Especially since DD flagged it in advance and DH ignored.

If it were something like "I don't want to go to the Louvre" then I would agree with DH.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it is impossible for any of us to judge who is in the right here not knowing your kid and not being there at the time. I have been in this exact situation with my kids where I know they would love something, but they are scared and won't do it, but just need that extra push. Pushing through anxiety and coming out the other side is one of the best feelings in life. Whether it is getting up in front of the class for the class play, or zip lining, or soccer tryouts, sometimes you just have to do it despite being scared or afraid.

For all of the "zip-lining is dangerous" types, it absolutely isn't. I think there is a lot of scared parents on this thread that are projecting their own fears onto the child in OPs post.

It's clear to me from OP's post that a child with a normal "push-able" amount of fear isn't going to have a meltdown over it, whereas here this child did. OP mentioned this child has issues. Not only that, but the parents knew beforehand that this child wouldn't like this activity. So your conclusions are completely off, PP. Nowhere did OP say that their child wanted to do this. They actually said they did not.

If you haven't felt a complete block over something in your life, count yourself lucky. Likewise if your children have not had this. You just cannot measure the psychological harm you can do to a child with special needs by forcing them into something that's traumatic to them. It's abusive. More importantly, it will damage your relationship, because they are less likely to trust you, since you are the source of stressful events. This means that going forward, you are probably going to make the block worse, not better, and it might expand to all the things you suggest, just because they come from you, and you have proven yourself to be unreliable for their sense of safety.

There are ways to treat phobias, and throwing patients in the deep end is not it. Since this is ziplining for a child with issues, most people would be reasonable enough to let it go, instead of either forcing the matter and creating a lot of pain, or gradually exposing their child to their phobia according to the standard of care. For ziplining, it's just not worth it. For other activities, it might be.

You come across as very ignorant.

I have a son with anxiety and high functioning autism who I often have to push out of his comfort zone. He has had meltdowns over all sorts of things like haircuts (he still hates them, but is better tolerating them now) and roller coasters (loves them and is so glad we convinced him to go), swimming, button down shirts, and a million other things. You can't avoid everything in life by throwing a fit and not trying it. My son was super scared of ziplines too, but I know him and was able to prepare him ahead of time and talk him into doing them at camp this year for school and he loved them and is so glad he went.

Could OPs kid have been like this and really enjoyed ziplines if pushed / convinced? I guess we will never know, but dad thinks the answer is yes and mom disagrees.

It sounds like the child tried and did not want to proceed.

[Anonymous]

Something legitimately scary like ziplining, I agree with OP. Especially since DD flagged it in advance and DH ignored.

If it were something like "I don't want to go to the Louvre" then I would agree with DH.

+1 Ziplining is not the hill to die on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Team DH. Don't let your kids take your family hostage like that. That's some seriously spoiled behavior. If it's anxiety or something, learn how not to coddle that, it will only make things worse.

Spoken by someone who knows absolutely nothing about kids who have legimate anxiety. STFU

[Anonymous]

You absolutely did the right thing OP. Your husband is being a self centered jerk.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, it was zip lining. DD is being treated for certain issues and is not "typical" in some ways. So it can be very difficult to know how to navigate day to day with her. I went with my instincts on this but am paying for it now.

There is no way I'd get on a zip line. You should don't force that.