Backed out of paid activity - did I do the right thing?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are teaching her to be a confident, self-sufficient adult. That’s the goal, right?

Well confident, self-sufficient adults speak up when they don’t want to do something, or don’t feel well, or can’t afford something, etc. Grown adults get to decide how to spend their vacation.

DD spoke up about her feelings and was ignored. So any sunk cost is on DH, not her. The unplanned group separation is on DH, not her. Maybe next time he will listen to, respect, and consider all the wants, needs and preferences of everyone going on the vacation. Your daughters are clearly past the age of being dragged around with no say-so.

No, you don’t build confidence by always getting your way. Lol

[Anonymous]

Team OP.
Good for you for sticking up for your daughter. Let DH pout all he wants.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Meltdown??

Team DH

Ooops. Sorry. Just read it was zip lining. Don’t come after me. Fear of heights is legitimate and known.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Team DH. Don't let your kids take your family hostage like that. That's some seriously spoiled behavior. If it's anxiety or something, learn how not to coddle that, it will only make things worse.

Totally disagree. As an adult I would not be happy if forced to do something on vacation I really didn’t want to do. I’m assuming in this case it’s not just that DD didn’t want to eat at the restaurant they had a reservation or something like that where compromises have to be made.

But I put my foot down on things like zip lining, helicopter rides, etc. on my honeymoon b/c I hate heights. It would have been really insensitive if DH had booked us for those knowing I didn’t want to do them. Just because DD is a minor doesn’t mean she has no autonomy over her own body and what she does.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Team DD!! Good for you for standing up for your daughter- who at any age can say no thanks and their wishes should be respected. In fact from the jump they said no and her dad tried to force her. Hmmm. Sounds sus.

Agree. And you’re going to want her to keep this strength to say no when she goes off to college and gets peer pressured into doing things. My DS is pretty sporty/adventurous about a lot of things. He is known for being up to try new things. But there are some activities he is just really not comfortable with. I found out recently some friends were teasing him about it, and even though it was an activity I would have been totally ok with him doing, I told him I was proud of him for listening to his internal feelings and politely declining. I want him to keep listening to that voice inside as he gets older.

[Anonymous]

You did the right thing!

I witnessed a similar situation play out at Disney last week. A dad wanted his son to go on one of the thrill rides and the kid was having an absolute meltdown just as they were about to board. Ultimately, you have to respect your child's feelings and forcing your kid to do something like this is telling her that her feelings don't matter.

Imagine if your DH was a peer/friend who got "mad" at your child because your child didn't want to do something that made her feel fearful or anxious. How would you feel about that person as a friend? You are teaching your daughter to trust and stand up for herself when faced with a situation that makes her uncomfortable instead of just going along with what someone else wants to make that person happy. Remember that sometimes it takes MORE courage to say no.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
If she has anxiety, is on the spectrum, etc, it was highly disrespectful and insensitive of your husband to put her in a situation where she needed to have a meltdown in order for her legitimate needs to be met.

I have a husband and son on the spectrum. There is conflict because my husband struggles to be flexible with his son - it’s part of the issue of having autism yourself, with all the mental rigidity that goes with it, yet have to interact with a child who cannot be flexible either. Autistic people get on better with highly socially-attuned adults who have the socio-emotional breadth to easily accommodate their foibles.

Me again, coming back to add that I am usually the person who can persuade my son to do something he initially refused to do when his father asked. This is because his father will peremptorily demand, and then it instantly turns into a battle of wills, where my husband will refuse to listen to any of my son's stated reasons for not doing the task or activity. Whereas I listen, and more often than not, I can find ways to explain to my son that he has the ability to do whatever it is. But this requires diplomacy, tact, putting yourself in someone else's shoes and seeing things from their point of view... something my husband has difficulty doing, since he's on the spectrum. And there are times when the parent just needs to accept that the child really cannot do what is asked of them, like in your situation.

Parenting is always a fine line between accommodating and pushing. It's made even harder when parents have their own issues that they pass on to their children. The parent has reduced parenting effectivenes, and the child has reduced ability to adapt. Unsurprisingly, family life gets more complicated.

Hang in there, OP, and extract every moment of happiness out of your vacation. I've found I needed to become very deliberate when savoring moments of joy, with a family like mine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Meltdown??

Team DH

? if the child is having a meltdown, the workers at the zipline place aren't going to hook her into the zipline.

[Anonymous]

If she is afraid of heights, it is nothing but cruelty to make her go zip lining. I am afraid of heights, and just the words make me queasy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m definitely team mom here, because dad is being such a jerk. That said, it is a pretty typical dynamic for dads to be more challenging and encouraging of risk-taking - and that can definitely be a good thing. It’s not bad that he wanted/expected her to do to. Kids are capable of a lot. And this is particularly important with anxiety. However, rule #1 is that you don’t turn it into a power struggle, and you don’t punish your kid for failing or being anxious.

also more common for dads to be sulking a-holes and ruin a trip

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Meltdown??

Team DH

You can get the attention of a bull dozer parent in any other way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, it was zip lining. DD is being treated for certain issues and is not "typical" in some ways. So it can be very difficult to know how to navigate day to day with her. I went with my instincts on this but am paying for it now.

I guess then I would raise the issue to the person doing the treatment on how to handle the next time. Hopefully a neutral person weighing in will help for the future.

Zip lining is not something I would personally force my kids to do. If they don’t like it, that can be legitimate - everyone doesn’t have to love zip lining and that can be a reasonable opinion to have.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, it was zip lining. DD is being treated for certain issues and is not "typical" in some ways. So it can be very difficult to know how to navigate day to day with her. I went with my instincts on this but am paying for it now.

I had a similar situation with my teen DS at Disneyland last year. He has anxiety and fear of heights and was pretty anxious about a particular ride but seemed like he would be willing to go on it. We get up to front and are about to get on the ride and there's a giant disclaimer sign with a million warnings. My DS panicked and didn't want to go on. Luckily, he is old enough to find his way out of the ride and meet us out front, but I TOTALLY hear you on the DH issue. My thinking was, hey, I don't understand the panic myself but I SEE his panic and I'm going to let him decide...and I'm going to enjoy the ride with my DH and go on with our day. For my DH, it becomes a whole thing of (1) I should have made him go on the ride; (2) I coddle him; (3) Younger kids are on the ride....and then he acted like a jackass the rest of the afternoon because he was somehow put out. It was one ride. We are working with my DS on his anxiety and he has started meds for it, but in the moment, I just didn't think I should push him to do something like get on a ride he's uncomfortable with. If it was walking on stage for his graduation or something huge like that, different story. I think you made the right decision, OP.

[Anonymous]

I am okay if she did not want to zip line I would have persuaded her to come along and watch the others. Your DH messed up here.

[Anonymous]

Yikes no don’t force stuff like zip lining on anyone. Some of those courses are scary—I kind of panicked halfway through one last time because it had a pretty scary climbing section that I had not anticipated. I wasn’t the only adult to do so either. I’m not going to force a tween into that…they’re either all about it or they don’t have to go.