Backed out of paid activity - did I do the right thing?

[Anonymous]

Long story short, our family (myself, DH, tween and teen DDs) are vacationing in another state right now. DH booked us all on an adventure activity, which tween was NOT interested in doing but DH said she'd be fine once she got there so booked anyway.

Fast forward, we get there and get prepped and head out. DD has a meltdown. She was NOT fine so I decided I sit out with her, DH and other DD went. (It was a multi hour thing so I couldn't go with them and just leave her, and wouldn't, in any case).

DH says I should have made her do it and she would have been fine. I disagree and feel I did the right thing, even though we couldn't get refunded for she and I...kind of understandable as it wasn't an issue with the vendor and I think that's what DH is most upset about. Needless to say, this has put a black cloud over the remainder of the trip.

[Anonymous]

Was it something she was scared of (like zip lining) or something she just didn’t want to do?

[Anonymous]

What was the activity?
Does she have anxiety generally and is she being treated?

[Anonymous]

I have a kid like this and it’s a balance to know when to push and when to take their cue. I do both, but personally here I think you did the right thing. The others were able to enjoy it and your daughter felt that you understood her and prioritized her feelings and fears even if you didn’t share them .

[Anonymous]

FWIW, if I went on vacation with family and they booked me for something I did not want to do, I wouldn’t like it and wouldn’t go. And I have far more coping skills and far less hormonal upheaval than a teen/tween is dealing with.

This seems to be a misunderstanding of the phase of life your DD is in. It’s not the phase where someone else decides optional stuff for her.

[Anonymous]

Team DH. Don't let your kids take your family hostage like that. That's some seriously spoiled behavior. If it's anxiety or something, learn how not to coddle that, it will only make things worse.

[Anonymous]

You are teaching her to be a confident, self-sufficient adult. That’s the goal, right?

Well confident, self-sufficient adults speak up when they don’t want to do something, or don’t feel well, or can’t afford something, etc. Grown adults get to decide how to spend their vacation.

DD spoke up about her feelings and was ignored. So any sunk cost is on DH, not her. The unplanned group separation is on DH, not her. Maybe next time he will listen to, respect, and consider all the wants, needs and preferences of everyone going on the vacation. Your daughters are clearly past the age of being dragged around with no say-so.

[Anonymous]

Also, the money is sunk either way. Your DH needs to let that go. He booked knowing she wasn’t into it and it turns out she didn’t change her mind. Oh well. Money is just money. The alternative is you made her go and she was tense and miserable the whole time and the excursion was ruined either way. He needs to be the adult here and move on, not hold it over your heads for the rest of the trip.

[Anonymous]

Team DD!! Good for you for standing up for your daughter- who at any age can say no thanks and their wishes should be respected. In fact from the jump they said no and her dad tried to force her. Hmmm. Sounds sus.

[Anonymous]

Your husband is being a jerk. She didn’t want to do it, told you both in advance she didn’t want to do it, and he tried to force her. Why force her? Losing the money stinks, but that’s his fault. Her feelings are more important than his need to be right that she’d change her mind. He needs to let it go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Team DH. Don't let your kids take your family hostage like that. That's some seriously spoiled behavior. If it's anxiety or something, learn how not to coddle that, it will only make things worse.

Says a person whose kids clearly don’t have anxiety.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Team DH. Don't let your kids take your family hostage like that. That's some seriously spoiled behavior. If it's anxiety or something, learn how not to coddle that, it will only make things worse.

Except now DH is the one pouting and holding the family hostage with his bad mood!

I probably would have required the tween to try to activity for a few minutes and see if she liked it (assuming it’s the kind of thing you can try like that). But low-key and I wouldn’t have pushed it. And I would have let her pick the next activity.

At the end of the day, this is classic rebellion. Tween didn’t want to zip line or whatever, and a big reaction by the grown-ups is just going to increase her rebellion. In situations like this, I really think parents need to think about what kind of lesson they are trying to teach. That the kid has no autonomy? That their preferences don’t matter?

[Anonymous]

OP here, it was zip lining. DD is being treated for certain issues and is not "typical" in some ways. So it can be very difficult to know how to navigate day to day with her. I went with my instincts on this but am paying for it now.

[Anonymous]

Team OP. The DD clearly communicated well in advance her feelings about this activity. Dad tried to steamroll her like she isn’t entitled to her feelings. This isn’t like “you have to make an appearance at grandma’s Thanksgiving dinner even though she’s a terrible cook.”

You husband sounds like a bully at worst or clueless at best.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, it was zip lining. DD is being treated for certain issues and is not "typical" in some ways. So it can be very difficult to know how to navigate day to day with her. I went with my instincts on this but am paying for it now.

Ok I just posted and your DH is an ass. I am a 52 year old woman and refuse to zipline.