Backed out of paid activity - did I do the right thing?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it is impossible for any of us to judge who is in the right here not knowing your kid and not being there at the time. I have been in this exact situation with my kids where I know they would love something, but they are scared and won't do it, but just need that extra push. Pushing through anxiety and coming out the other side is one of the best feelings in life. Whether it is getting up in front of the class for the class play, or zip lining, or soccer tryouts, sometimes you just have to do it despite being scared or afraid.

For all of the "zip-lining is dangerous" types, it absolutely isn't. I think there is a lot of scared parents on this thread that are projecting their own fears onto the child in OPs post.

I don't think people will die or get hurt ziplining. I just don’t want to do it.

OP was not projecting her fears, she coaxed her kid through the beginning of the zipline tour. Kid felt overwhelmed and the operators would probably not have pushed her off.

Now, are we going to address pouty-baby dad who decides to make it all about him?

[Anonymous]

My DS who is 8 doesn’t have any anxiety or issues like that.

He is not the adventurous type, too cautious IMO. I pushed him since he was 5 or so realizing this. Initially small like climbing wall, ropes course at kiddie place and so forth.

We just got back from Costa Rica and he was hesitant to zip line over the cloud forest. It was high. A little push helped and once he did it, he loved it.

I think it’s important to have kids get out of their comfort zone, try new things, and take a little risk. It’s OK. These skills are important life skills IMO. Sometimes taking risks in life pays big dividends in work, relationship, finances. Lots of people are paralyzed by fear and it hold them back overall.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it is impossible for any of us to judge who is in the right here not knowing your kid and not being there at the time. I have been in this exact situation with my kids where I know they would love something, but they are scared and won't do it, but just need that extra push. Pushing through anxiety and coming out the other side is one of the best feelings in life. Whether it is getting up in front of the class for the class play, or zip lining, or soccer tryouts, sometimes you just have to do it despite being scared or afraid.

For all of the "zip-lining is dangerous" types, it absolutely isn't. I think there is a lot of scared parents on this thread that are projecting their own fears onto the child in OPs post.

Any activity that requires you to sign waiver of liability is okay to refuse.

This 100%. I don’t recall any soccer try-outs or class plays that requiring signing a liability waiver. The PP you’re responding to is being willfully ignorant.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are teaching her to be a confident, self-sufficient adult. That’s the goal, right?

Well confident, self-sufficient adults speak up when they don’t want to do something, or don’t feel well, or can’t afford something, etc. Grown adults get to decide how to spend their vacation.

DD spoke up about her feelings and was ignored. So any sunk cost is on DH, not her. The unplanned group separation is on DH, not her. Maybe next time he will listen to, respect, and consider all the wants, needs and preferences of everyone going on the vacation. Your daughters are clearly past the age of being dragged around with no say-so.

This

[Anonymous]

Team you and DD

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DS who is 8 doesn’t have any anxiety or issues like that.

He is not the adventurous type, too cautious IMO. I pushed him since he was 5 or so realizing this. Initially small like climbing wall, ropes course at kiddie place and so forth.

We just got back from Costa Rica and he was hesitant to zip line over the cloud forest. It was high. A little push helped and once he did it, he loved it.

I think it’s important to have kids get out of their comfort zone, try new things, and take a little risk. It’s OK. These skills are important life skills IMO. Sometimes taking risks in life pays big dividends in work, relationship, finances. Lots of people are paralyzed by fear and it hold them back overall.

The key here is YOUR son doesn’t have anxiety. OP’s daughter does, as well as some other things she’s being treated for. This is like comparing a kid with sensory issues who can’t eat certain foods to a picky kid who only wants pizza and saying “just make them eat the vegetable.” It’s an entirely different sphere of parenting when the kid has diagnosed anxiety or other special needs than just “I told my neurotypical but nervous son to do it and he did!” These kids straight up will have panic attacks. They cannot just overcome all their fears as easily as other kids and it’s our job as parents to know when is the thing to push them on and when it isn’t.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here, it was zip lining. DD is being treated for certain issues and is not "typical" in some ways. So it can be very difficult to know how to navigate day to day with her. I went with my instincts on this but am paying for it now.

Tell your husband to grow up and stop pouting.

“Dave, I know you are disappointed that Larla was too frightened to try zip lining, but you need to get over it. Your bad mood is impacting all of us and ruining the trip. You need to tell Larla it’s all good and we need to focus on having fun for the rest of the trip. Got it?”

Your kid probably developed anxiety from your husband’s overbearing, controlling personality and passive-aggressive (or simply aggressive) behavior. I’m observing this in soooo many families. Your husband needs therapy.

Good Lord with the idiotic scripts people tell people to say.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Team DH. Don't let your kids take your family hostage like that. That's some seriously spoiled behavior. If it's anxiety or something, learn how not to coddle that, it will only make things worse.

Says a person whose kids clearly don’t have anxiety.

My daughter has anxiety. You know what finally got her through it? Learning to not use it as a crutch and parents who stopped coddling. Try it sometime.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Team DH. Don't let your kids take your family hostage like that. That's some seriously spoiled behavior. If it's anxiety or something, learn how not to coddle that, it will only make things worse.

Says a person whose kids clearly don’t have anxiety.

My daughter has anxiety. You know what finally got her through it? Learning to not use it as a crutch and parents who stopped coddling. Try it sometime.

Yeah great job mom. You make her go down that zip line! No matter what, everyone’s going to suck it up every single time so that mom can say she doesn’t “coddle.” You won 🏆

[Anonymous]

I don't think there's a right or wrong here. I have a kid with anxiety and dh and I have different approaches. Sometimes one of us is right and something's the other. There's no way to predict how many things will play out, and we're often surprised and how things go. She's a work in process and we're all still learning.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't think there's a right or wrong here. I have a kid with anxiety and dh and I have different approaches. Sometimes one of us is right and something's the other. There's no way to predict how many things will play out, and we're often surprised and how things go. She's a work in process and we're all still learning.

This is how I feel with my DD (she's 10) as well. My daughter can be very anxious and in this scenario, my DH would have signed us all up for the activity anyway, just like with OP, even after the initial objection. And this works out fine more than 50% of the time - once we've prepped DD, or shown her a video about the activity, or whatever. It can be hard to predict, and we don't want to always push or always opt out. And at this age things do change a lot - 10 is nothing like 8 which was nothing like 6.

But with a meltdown at the zip line trial, no way we'd make her move forward. DH would be annoyed in the moment, but he'd get over it. OP's DH is definitely in the wrong at this point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here, it was zip lining. DD is being treated for certain issues and is not "typical" in some ways. So it can be very difficult to know how to navigate day to day with her. I went with my instincts on this but am paying for it now.

Tell your husband to grow up and stop pouting.

“Dave, I know you are disappointed that Larla was too frightened to try zip lining, but you need to get over it. Your bad mood is impacting all of us and ruining the trip. You need to tell Larla it’s all good and we need to focus on having fun for the rest of the trip. Got it?”

Your kid probably developed anxiety from your husband’s overbearing, controlling personality and passive-aggressive (or simply aggressive) behavior. I’m observing this in soooo many families. Your husband needs therapy.

Good Lord with the idiotic scripts people tell people to say.

You’re so right!

It’s much better to post on dcum and suffer in silence.

ICYMI: scripts are necessary and oftentimes helpful when people are dealing with a person they can’t handle.

[Anonymous]

You did the right thing. You heard her and respected her decision. Maybe she will one day grow out of this fear and go zip lining herself.

But for now she has a core memory where she was reluctant to do something and her mom showed empathy and supported her decision instead of literally forcing her off the ramp to slide down a rope. That itself could have been a traumatic memory for her. As for her dad she probably won’t have fond memories of him behaving immaturely and making her feel like crap.

[Anonymous]

Team DD, all day long.

My daughter had anxiety. Yes, a parent needs to address it and help their kid, but not by pressing her to do a scary activity. There's a ton more that goes into helping a kid with anxiety than confronting the kid with a scary situation and saying "get over yourself, just do it." Especially on vacation, when stakes are high. The sunk costs! But we're on vacation! Etc. That is NOT a good time to work on anxiety issues.

I recommend the book "The Anxiety Cure for Kids: A Guide for Parents" - Caroline M. DuPont, Elizabeth DuPont Spencer, and Robert DuPont -- totally unlocked the anxiety issue for me and really helped me help my kid. My daughter is now an adult and living a full and adventurous life -- but she still relies on the skills she learned through our time working through that book.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here, it was zip lining. DD is being treated for certain issues and is not "typical" in some ways. So it can be very difficult to know how to navigate day to day with her. I went with my instincts on this but am paying for it now.

Tell your husband to grow up and stop pouting.

“Dave, I know you are disappointed that Larla was too frightened to try zip lining, but you need to get over it. Your bad mood is impacting all of us and ruining the trip. You need to tell Larla it’s all good and we need to focus on having fun for the rest of the trip. Got it?”

Your kid probably developed anxiety from your husband’s overbearing, controlling personality and passive-aggressive (or simply aggressive) behavior. I’m observing this in soooo many families. Your husband needs therapy.

Good Lord with the idiotic scripts people tell people to say.

Sometimes you have to spell it out for the man-baby.