Backed out of paid activity - did I do the right thing?
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Anonymous
| Oh, and also...we did get to the point where we all did the "test" zipping before venturing on to the real thing, and that's when the meltdown occurred. So technically she did try it and it just wasn't happening. |
Anonymous
You did the right thing. Plenty of people don’t like zip lining and feel anxious and scared and would rather not, both people who do suffer from anxiety and those who not, and those who have “certain issues” and those who don’t. It’s an adventure activity that is not for everyone. Ask DH: if you were vacationing with two other couples, and one person was anxious or afraid of zip lining and wanted to stay back, and someone else in the group said they would stay with them, what would his reaction be? Would he pay for their fees anyway and then get put out? Would he pout and ruin the rest of the trip? Or would he respect that different people want to do different things, and don’t want to do certain things, and move on with his damn day? Then ask him if he would treat other people with respect and understanding, why won’t he treat his own daughter with respect and understanding? DH is a child. And a bratty one at that. |
Anonymous
| The fact that your DH is making you “pay for it” says a lot about who he is, none of it good. |
Anonymous
Tell your husband to grow up and stop pouting. “Dave, I know you are disappointed that Larla was too frightened to try zip lining, but you need to get over it. Your bad mood is impacting all of us and ruining the trip. You need to tell Larla it’s all good and we need to focus on having fun for the rest of the trip. Got it?” Your kid probably developed anxiety from your husband’s overbearing, controlling personality and passive-aggressive (or simply aggressive) behavior. I’m observing this in soooo many families. Your husband needs therapy. |
Anonymous
+1 Me too. If some one tried to make me, I would refuse to go. OP's DH tried to bully his kid into going. Expect problems down the line as she ages and DH can't handle that she is her own person. And a pouty adult can ruin everyone's vacation. |
Anonymous
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I have a teen DD who has anxiety, and high sensitivity. DD has outgrown most of her issues, and wanted to do a haunted house. I told her that I didn't think it was a good idea, but she insisted. It was fine for the most part, but when we got to one particular area that was "scarier", she said she couldn't do it. That meant that either me or DH had to stay with DD. I stayed out with DD. DH said DD would've been fine after they went. Maybe, maybe not. But for my DD, when her anxiety sky rockets, she ends up with a migraine when she comes down from that adrenaline. And when that happens, she is out for the entire day.
I'd rather miss out on one activity for 30minutes than miss out on the whole day. I've said this before.. parenting is straddling a fine line.. you have to know when to push and when to back off. There are some things we pushed DD on, and she was fine, got over her fear. But there are some things that I know that if we pushed it, there would be negative consequences. As much as I know that DH loves DD, he is a bit clueless about her anxiety over certain things. Men tend to not have as much empathy or EQ. You know your DD best, and if you think backing out of the activity was in her (and everyone's) best interest, I think you did the right thing. Having stated that, I hope your DH doesn't make her feel guilty and belittle her. DH did that a few times, and I stopped it. It made DD feel worse about her anxiety. She has been to a therapist. DH knows this. He just thinks she should, "Get on with it". To some degree I agree, but again, you need to know when to push a little and when to back off. |
Anonymous
It is ALWAYS the other adults who create problems around stuff like this. I have a kid with terrible anxiety diagnosed as a young kid and the year we went to Disney there was a typical summer evening storm. She could see lightning popping off and actually had a panic attack so I said ok, we can leave and don’t need to stay for the fireworks. And who made a huge deal out of this and caused a scene and made it a problem- my freaking mom. Op did the right thing. The husband needs to accept he has a kid who has some needs that might conflict with his preferences - oh well, that’s parenting. The kicker is he didn’t even miss zip lining! But is now pouting and punishing his wife and kid. What a jerk. |
Anonymous
| Your DH is a jerk. It’s not even about your DD’s “issues” - plenty of neurotypical people dislike zipling or rollercoaster type activities! |
Anonymous
Even without anxiety, it's ok to have preferences about how to spend vacation time and what recreational activities you enjoy. She didn't prevent anyone else from zip lining, she just didn't want to do it herself. There's no reason dad's preference should overrule that. |
Anonymous
| I’m definitely team mom here, because dad is being such a jerk. That said, it is a pretty typical dynamic for dads to be more challenging and encouraging of risk-taking - and that can definitely be a good thing. It’s not bad that he wanted/expected her to do to. Kids are capable of a lot. And this is particularly important with anxiety. However, rule #1 is that you don’t turn it into a power struggle, and you don’t punish your kid for failing or being anxious. |
Anonymous
I was initially not sure but after reading this, I think your DH is being a jerk. I have a family of five and we have some pretty well set vacation/activity guidelines that have worked for two decades. Everyone gets to pick an adventure. Rules are that everyone has to be capable of doing it - that would mean physically and emotionally (one of our kids has serious mental health issues that we have to consider). Everyone has to participate and no one can complain. I would be really annoyed if someone put forth an idea that everyone couldn’t do. Your DD did great at trying it. You were right to drop out. |
Anonymous
I’m a PP who mentioned I have a kid like this and so I’m familiar with the uncertainty of when to push them and when to listen and let them choose. But that is just as true of my “regular” kid without anxiety who is very adventurous. I booked a voodoo tour in New Orleans and she was PETRIFIED to go into the voodoo museum. We cajoled and tried to convince her and she just wasn’t having it, so my husband stayed outside with her since me and the other kid (who is typically the “problematic” one in these scenarios  ) could enjoy it. Listening to your kids when they express agency is such a powerful way for them to feel loved. It doesn’t mean they dictate everything but you have to use your intuition and judgment to know when is the time you really can back off and honor their fear, concern, or simple preference.
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Anonymous
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If she has anxiety, is on the spectrum, etc, it was highly disrespectful and insensitive of your husband to put her in a situation where she needed to have a meltdown in order for her legitimate needs to be met. I have a husband and son on the spectrum. There is conflict because my husband struggles to be flexible with his son - it’s part of the issue of having autism yourself, with all the mental rigidity that goes with it, yet have to interact with a child who cannot be flexible either. Autistic people get on better with highly socially-attuned adults who have the socio-emotional breadth to easily accommodate their foibles. |
Anonymous
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Zip lining is an extreme activity so I’m team mom and DD. It’s not what average people do. Important to respect people’s limits and preferences here.
If it were trying a restaurant, different foods, or some non extreme activity (low risk, not dangerous, doesn’t require certain skills), then I might strongly encourage DD to try. |
Anonymous
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Meltdown??
Team DH |