You don’t get to police screen time of other people’s children

[Anonymous]

What strikes me is the debate over whether a guest should concede their phone at a host’s request and whether a host is entitled to make that demand.

Growing up, I was taught that a host should do everything reasonably within their power to please a guest, and that the guest should do everything reasonably within their power to conform to household rules and expectations, while minimizing any inconvenience to the host.

When my best friend and I would visit each other’s homes (regardless of whose home it was), we usually found ourselves in an interaction like this:

Host: What would you like to do?
Guest: Anything, whatever you’d like to do.
H: But you’re the guest, I want you to enjoy yourself.
G: But you’re the host, and I’m sure I’ll enjoy anything you wish to suggest.

After several rounds, somebody might eventually suggest a movie, which would start a whole new cycle of the host wanting the guest to pick what they most enjoy, and the guest wanting to accommodate their host’s preferences.

Yes, it was absurdly impractical, but despite all the time wasted in pointless discussions, everyone felt respected and valued.

The debate on this forum seems to be in a similar pattern, but instead of each party bending over backwards to accommodate the other, each party here seems intent on determining the minimum amount of ground they can get away with conceding and justifying their right to have things their way.

I’m inclined to think that neither the presence nor absence of phones is as damaging to the kids as the rancor between adult family members.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That is all. Spending time with relatives this weekend and so fed up with my SIL trying to dictate when all the kids can have screens and when they can’t. She even took all their devices and hid them at one point, and she made it really awkward when we basically had to demand them back. She is not anti screen all the time - just when SHE decides she wants no screens, which may not be when I decide.

Parent your own kids and not other people’s.

sorry you play by my rule when you are in my house. don't like it, door to your left.

What if no one is in your house, but you’re all in a shared vacation home? Still your way or the highway?

Because that’s OP’s situation. Not sure why people insist on responding without even reading the OP’s posts.

[Anonymous]

Even if OP is making "bad" decisions regarding her kids' screen use, her SIL isn't entitled to step in and override her. All of you criticizing her for the screentime are missing the point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You say she “randomly” decides, OP. I think it’s time to sit down with your SIL and understand her (and your) expectations for screen time and reach a compromise. She shouldn’t be grabbing tablets out of kids hands and hiding them but at the same time you have to respect the values of people you’re vacationing with and maybe can agree that everyone does no screens for certain times or activities.

I'm curious about the bolded. "Respecting" SIL's values would mean not forcing her kids to be on phones.

If I want to give my kids a popsicle and somebody I am vacationing with doesn't want their kids to have one, do I not give the popsicles to my own?
If I want to let my kids stay up until 10:00 and somebody I am vacationing with wants their kids to go to bed at 8:00, do I have to send my kids to bed?

I think OP needs to understand why SIL wanted screens to be away. The answers can be nuanced and the compromise depends on the reasonings behind them. If SIL’s approach to screen time is “I wanted your kid to play with (aka babysit) my kid while I went to the lake” you ignore that and let your kid say know/have their phone as usual. If SIL thinks mealtime is sacrosanct family time and takes her kids phones away at 3PM to ensure they’re engaged at dinner, you respect the value of uninterrupted conversation at dinner and ask your kids to put their phones in their rooms for dinner.

Same with the popsicles and bedtimes. Cousins are struggling with weight/allergies/sugar addictions? Maybe don’t give your kids popsicles the other kids aren’t allowed to have in front of them — either share a different treat all the kids can have or give your kids their popsicles when it’s just your family hanging out. Cousins are morning people and your kids are night owls? Ensure everyone staying up late is quiet starting at the earlier bedtime but also ensure that the kids who get up earlier are quiet/out of the house until the later risers are up.

Basically sharing space/vacation means sometimes you can’t have exactly the same house rules you have at home, and that goes for OP and her SIL. (Especially the SIL based on OP’s post but tbf we don’t know what OP does that annoys SIL, which is why they need to talk about it and understand why they both want the rules they do.)

PP here and I can get with most of this. But we agree it should have been SIL who raised this conversation with OP in the first instance, before dictating things to kids, right?

This situation is more like giving a popsicle to my kid, not having any clue what SIL thinks about it, and the SIL comes by and takes it away. We agree that would be wrong?

Now sure, "two wrongs don't make a right" and OP could/should initiate the conversation, but it is much more difficult b/c of what SIL has done so far...

PP you’re responding to and yes I’m absolutely in agreement that SIL should have raised this conversation (politely! with OP!) the first time she wanted OP’s kids off their screens. But if SIL comes from a family where parenting other people’s kids is the norm (that can be a grey area — I wouldn’t take a device or a popsicle away from a child but I know people who would expect their siblings to do so in their absence), maybe she’d see it differently. Regardless of whether SIL is operating under very different expectations or just super rude, clearly it’s time for OP to raise it as politely as possible and see if a compromise is possible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That is all. Spending time with relatives this weekend and so fed up with my SIL trying to dictate when all the kids can have screens and when they can’t. She even took all their devices and hid them at one point, and she made it really awkward when we basically had to demand them back. She is not anti screen all the time - just when SHE decides she wants no screens, which may not be when I decide.

Parent your own kids and not other people’s.

sorry you play by my rule when you are in my house. don't like it, door to your left.

OP WAS NOT IN SIL'S HOUSE.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Even if OP is making "bad" decisions regarding her kids' screen use, her SIL isn't entitled to step in and override her. All of you criticizing her for the screentime are missing the point.

OP here. This is exactly my point. You can think I am literally the worst parent, you still don’t override me regarding my children. Even in your own home (which again we were not.) You are free to stop inviting us or seeing us, but no my kids don’t have to eat their vegetables at your house to earn dessert or go to bed when you say (or whatever random rule you want to assert.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Even if OP is making "bad" decisions regarding her kids' screen use, her SIL isn't entitled to step in and override her. All of you criticizing her for the screentime are missing the point.

OP here. This is exactly my point. You can think I am literally the worst parent, you still don’t override me regarding my children. Even in your own home (which again we were not.) You are free to stop inviting us or seeing us, but no my kids don’t have to eat their vegetables at your house to earn dessert or go to bed when you say (or whatever random rule you want to assert.)

So what's been the fallout? What happened after you talked to your sister?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You say your not in her house op but if you were then yes her house her rules. Regarding screens, food, sleep, showers really everything is up to her in her house. If she tells you to give her your phone you hand it over .

This is the weirdest post on this thread. If you’re at someone’s house, you literally have to do everything they say? If an adult I’m staying with demands that I give them my phone, I’m not handing it over, period. You have gone off the rails with hosts’ rights here.

I thought we were talking about children, not other adults. Yes, children, including teens, should listen and do what the adults in their family say.

If you tell my teenager to give you her phone, she won’t and I will support that. She’s not your kid. You don’t get to dictate that, your house or not.

If you have something to say about my kid while she’s in your house, you come to me or her dad. Parent your own children and know when you’ve overstepped.

And that business about how sleep, food and showers are also at the hosts’ directive? No. This is BAD HOST behavior.

I disagree strongly. When in another person's home, kids should do as requested by those adults. Not GIVE the phone, but yes, put it away.

I guess we can agree to disagree because it's still parenting my kids in a way I am not universally comfortable with. I can't tell if the SIL being described is OP's sibling's wife, OP's partner's sibling, or OP's partner's sibling's partner. I would personally be uncomfortable with my sister's husband or brother's wife bossing my kids around about something like this. I would consider it an overstep, and I'd be annoyed about it. If it happened more than once in a weekend trip, I would tell them to stop parenting my kids.

When doing stuff with other people, whether it's at someone's house or an AirBNB or whatever, I expect other adults to come to me if they have concerns about my kids' behavior and activities. If the SIL said, "Hey Sarah, I'd really like if the kids put their phones away to spend time together" I would have backed that up. If we had previously had a conversation about phones being stashed during "core hours" or whatever, I would have been fine with Sarah saying "Hey kids, it's phones away time!" But in this particular situation, the OP's SIL, in a home that is not hers, is arbitrarily deciding when the kids should and should not have access to their phones. At the very least, this is a parent/parent conversation, not a one parent/all the kids conversation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s neither volume nor content. She just randomly decides when the kids should “go do something else.” Not her call. Neutral location (neither of our homes but I don’t agree that’s relevant.) These are older kids who were definitely not misbehaving in any way, not 3 year olds.

And I did handle it directly. But just thought I’d throw it out there for any other would-be screen vigilantes. My kids phones have app limits and downtime. Whether or not she (or you) thinks I am a good parent is also irrelevant. Not her call. Even at her house (which we were not.)

OMG. Just start a new thread called "I don't like my SIL and am coming up with all sorts of random reasons she annoys me" and list the reasons instead of starting a stupid thread like this one that we can all see right through.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Even if OP is making "bad" decisions regarding her kids' screen use, her SIL isn't entitled to step in and override her. All of you criticizing her for the screentime are missing the point.

OP here. This is exactly my point. You can think I am literally the worst parent, you still don’t override me regarding my children. Even in your own home (which again we were not.) You are free to stop inviting us or seeing us, but no my kids don’t have to eat their vegetables at your house to earn dessert or go to bed when you say (or whatever random rule you want to assert.)

So who is she to you, OP? Is it your partner's sister, or a sibling's wife?

[Anonymous]

OP here. Husband’s sister. She acted offended/put off for a bit but seems to have recovered. Now she just says really dramatically and pointedly “Well MY children must XYZ…” I feel like she is making more rules than usual for her kids just to make a point, but whatever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Husband’s sister. She acted offended/put off for a bit but seems to have recovered. Now she just says really dramatically and pointedly “Well MY children must XYZ…” I feel like she is making more rules than usual for her kids just to make a point, but whatever.

Then let her and keep doing what you want. Every time she gets high and mighty about what her children must do, just have a canned response. "I love that for you, Jane." "That's lovely. Would you like another cup of tea?" Pay her no mind and she will either tire of making her pointed comments, or spend less time with you. Either way, sounds like a win.

If some other adult TOOK and HID a 12 and 15 year old's devices, that is beyond inappropriate. All the people on this board who go nuts over other people not having the right to parent/make decisions for your children, but somehow this is ok? Absolutely not. I don't care if OP is the laziest, most lax parent ever. You don't get to parent other people's children. Seeing OP's kids on screens does not hurt her children, and if her children are so screen restricted that they are going nuts over being around OP's kids, oh well. That is her problem to work out. How do these kids make it in the world then? Because screens are everywhere.


FWIW, my child is limited on screen time and I would never and have never tried to enforce my screen restrictions on anyone else's child.

[Anonymous]

SIL is out of line, but I’d be super pissed I’d say we had planned a fun family lake vacation together and you were just letting your kids watch screens the whole time instead of doing things sucking me kids in along with them. A couple kids on screens a ton can definitely change the whole dynamic and make it hard to get anyone to do anything. Just stay home and watch movies

[Anonymous]

OP you are missing the fact that your kids’ screen time is affecting the entire dynamic with the other kids in this shared space. SIL may not have handled herself well here, but I’m more on her side than yours, especially given the lack of reflection on your part in this thread. Family time involves interaction especially in common spaces of the house - sounds like your preteen and teen aren’t balancing that well and coming across as rude.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP you are missing the fact that your kids’ screen time is affecting the entire dynamic with the other kids in this shared space. SIL may not have handled herself well here, but I’m more on her side than yours, especially given the lack of reflection on your part in this thread. Family time involves interaction especially in common spaces of the house - sounds like your preteen and teen aren’t balancing that well and coming across as rude.

Based on what? Because the SIL made a decision that there was enough screen time? You have no basis for this statement other than OP saying that SIL not only deemed it time to stop screens but then went so far as to take them away!