You don’t get to police screen time of other people’s children

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s neither volume nor content. She just randomly decides when the kids should “go do something else.” Not her call. Neutral location (neither of our homes but I don’t agree that’s relevant.) These are older kids who were definitely not misbehaving in any way, not 3 year olds.

And I did handle it directly. But just thought I’d throw it out there for any other would-be screen vigilantes. My kids phones have app limits and downtime. Whether or not she (or you) thinks I am a good parent is also irrelevant. Not her call. Even at her house (which we were not.)

Get off your phone and go parent your children. You are fooling exactly no one. No, you did not handle it directly, or you would have put that in your original post. You are spineless.

From the original post:

she made it really awkward when we basically had to demand them back.

They are 12 and 15. But it’s not relevant. She is not their parent. And I am not ignoring them.

How old are the cousins (your sister's kids?) I get it OP. If your kids are older, and the cousins are really young, your kids won't want to spend every waking moment playing with them.

[Anonymous]

Who is policing the adult screen time in this scenario? Because it looks like it needs to policed. OP is spending more time in DCUM than with her family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Who is policing the adult screen time in this scenario? Because it looks like it needs to policed. OP is spending more time in DCUM than with her family.

It’s her husbands family. And the acts probably the real problem.

OP, it’s impossible to keep your own kids off screens if other kids are on them. They are magnetic to all kids. This is a scenario where least-screen family wins.

In my family we have dessert form every lunch and dinner. Healthy weights and I don’t want sweets to be this forbidden thing. When we vacation with others who have fewer treats, my kids don’t get a cookie after lunch because you can’t give 3/8 kids a cookie in the same house. My kids get it, and the youngest is five. Teach your tweens to give a little for the good of the group.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You say your not in her house op but if you were then yes her house her rules. Regarding screens, food, sleep, showers really everything is up to her in her house. If she tells you to give her your phone you hand it over .

She has literally said multiple times she is not at SIL's house.

This thread is so bizarre. OP posts about something annoying for everyone to discuss and gets flamed repeatedly over bizarre assumptions. Which, in some cases, she has already addressed. For example, the idiot I just quoted not reading.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We’re very pro screen family but I think you were wrong op. It sounds like your kids were being anti social at a gathering. Aunt was probably right to try fix that. They are lucky to have people like that in their lives who care. They can go a few hours-(days even!) without the devices. We all managed childhoods that way. You sound like you let your pride and personal feelings of shame/hurt override the best interests of your kids here. It wasn’t necessarily about judging you as a parent. I’m all for sticking up for your kids to bossy relatives but this experience was one your kids didn’t benefit from.

No, it wasn't "probably right." It's annoying and overstepping bounds. Grow the f up, loser.

[Anonymous]

Wait a couple of years before spending time with SIL again. At that point the kids will be older and may be more interesting to each other, or not. I wouldn’t try to see SIL again anytime soon.

[Anonymous]

You say she “randomly” decides, OP. I think it’s time to sit down with your SIL and understand her (and your) expectations for screen time and reach a compromise. She shouldn’t be grabbing tablets out of kids hands and hiding them but at the same time you have to respect the values of people you’re vacationing with and maybe can agree that everyone does no screens for certain times or activities.

[Anonymous]

A lot of these responses are off base. (not OP)

1. This was not SILs house- so "my house, my rules" does not apply.
2. This was not a "playdate". They are spending the entire long weekend together, so some time on screens does not mean they are never interacting.
3. This kids are tweens and teens, not preschool or elementary kids.
4. OP has limits and downtime controls on her kids phone, so she has set her own boundaries on screen time with the kids. And they were not on screens all the time if not for SIL's intervention.

SIL overstepped. OP confronted her directly. And she vented here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That is all. Spending time with relatives this weekend and so fed up with my SIL trying to dictate when all the kids can have screens and when they can’t. She even took all their devices and hid them at one point, and she made it really awkward when we basically had to demand them back. She is not anti screen all the time - just when SHE decides she wants no screens, which may not be when I decide.

Parent your own kids and not other people’s.

Just spitballing here, but maybe put on your big girl panties and have that conversation with her instead of being a wimp and avoiding the confrontation and posting here instead. No one here confiscated your kids’ screens. What a weird screed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You say she “randomly” decides, OP. I think it’s time to sit down with your SIL and understand her (and your) expectations for screen time and reach a compromise. She shouldn’t be grabbing tablets out of kids hands and hiding them but at the same time you have to respect the values of people you’re vacationing with and maybe can agree that everyone does no screens for certain times or activities.

I'm curious about the bolded. "Respecting" SIL's values would mean not forcing her kids to be on phones.

If I want to give my kids a popsicle and somebody I am vacationing with doesn't want their kids to have one, do I not give the popsicles to my own?
If I want to let my kids stay up until 10:00 and somebody I am vacationing with wants their kids to go to bed at 8:00, do I have to send my kids to bed?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That is all. Spending time with relatives this weekend and so fed up with my SIL trying to dictate when all the kids can have screens and when they can’t. She even took all their devices and hid them at one point, and she made it really awkward when we basically had to demand them back. She is not anti screen all the time - just when SHE decides she wants no screens, which may not be when I decide.

Parent your own kids and not other people’s.

Just spitballing here, but maybe put on your big girl panties and have that conversation with her instead of being a wimp and avoiding the confrontation and posting here instead. No one here confiscated your kids’ screens. What a weird screed.

Did you read the post you quoted?

"she made it really awkward when we basically had to demand them back"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who is policing the adult screen time in this scenario? Because it looks like it needs to policed. OP is spending more time in DCUM than with her family.

It’s her husbands family. And the acts probably the real problem.

OP, it’s impossible to keep your own kids off screens if other kids are on them. They are magnetic to all kids. This is a scenario where least-screen family wins.

In my family we have dessert form every lunch and dinner. Healthy weights and I don’t want sweets to be this forbidden thing. When we vacation with others who have fewer treats, my kids don’t get a cookie after lunch because you can’t give 3/8 kids a cookie in the same house. My kids get it, and the youngest is five. Teach your tweens to give a little for the good of the group.

I ageee that reasonable families should try to be flexible while on vacation together. However, I think that the more restrictive families should loosen up. So in your dessert example, which I have been in myself, I let my kids have the cookie with their cousins. I was always the most screen restrictive when the kids were little but I loosened up when with a more screen-friendly family. It's vacation! Not the time to take away a kid's cookie but a good time to give the other kid extra dessert!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who is policing the adult screen time in this scenario? Because it looks like it needs to policed. OP is spending more time in DCUM than with her family.

It’s her husbands family. And the acts probably the real problem.

OP, it’s impossible to keep your own kids off screens if other kids are on them. They are magnetic to all kids. This is a scenario where least-screen family wins.

In my family we have dessert form every lunch and dinner. Healthy weights and I don’t want sweets to be this forbidden thing. When we vacation with others who have fewer treats, my kids don’t get a cookie after lunch because you can’t give 3/8 kids a cookie in the same house. My kids get it, and the youngest is five. Teach your tweens to give a little for the good of the group.

I ageee that reasonable families should try to be flexible while on vacation together. However, I think that the more restrictive families should loosen up. So in your dessert example, which I have been in myself, I let my kids have the cookie with their cousins. I was always the most screen restrictive when the kids were little but I loosened up when with a more screen-friendly family. It's vacation! Not the time to take away a kid's cookie but a good time to give the other kid extra dessert!

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You say she “randomly” decides, OP. I think it’s time to sit down with your SIL and understand her (and your) expectations for screen time and reach a compromise. She shouldn’t be grabbing tablets out of kids hands and hiding them but at the same time you have to respect the values of people you’re vacationing with and maybe can agree that everyone does no screens for certain times or activities.

I'm curious about the bolded. "Respecting" SIL's values would mean not forcing her kids to be on phones.

If I want to give my kids a popsicle and somebody I am vacationing with doesn't want their kids to have one, do I not give the popsicles to my own?
If I want to let my kids stay up until 10:00 and somebody I am vacationing with wants their kids to go to bed at 8:00, do I have to send my kids to bed?

I think OP needs to understand why SIL wanted screens to be away. The answers can be nuanced and the compromise depends on the reasonings behind them. If SIL’s approach to screen time is “I wanted your kid to play with (aka babysit) my kid while I went to the lake” you ignore that and let your kid say know/have their phone as usual. If SIL thinks mealtime is sacrosanct family time and takes her kids phones away at 3PM to ensure they’re engaged at dinner, you respect the value of uninterrupted conversation at dinner and ask your kids to put their phones in their rooms for dinner.

Same with the popsicles and bedtimes. Cousins are struggling with weight/allergies/sugar addictions? Maybe don’t give your kids popsicles the other kids aren’t allowed to have in front of them — either share a different treat all the kids can have or give your kids their popsicles when it’s just your family hanging out. Cousins are morning people and your kids are night owls? Ensure everyone staying up late is quiet starting at the earlier bedtime but also ensure that the kids who get up earlier are quiet/out of the house until the later risers are up.

Basically sharing space/vacation means sometimes you can’t have exactly the same house rules you have at home, and that goes for OP and her SIL. (Especially the SIL based on OP’s post but tbf we don’t know what OP does that annoys SIL, which is why they need to talk about it and understand why they both want the rules they do.)

[Anonymous]

It’s not clear to me if your kids were the only kids there or if she was saying this to a group that involved her own kids. I would never tell someone’s kids (friends or my nieces/nephews) to get off screens if it was just them. And would be annoyed if someone did that to my kids. But if there’s a group that includes my kids and friends/cousins I think it’s totally fine for the parents of any of the kids involves to tell the kids to out their screens away and go outside/do something else.