You don’t get to police screen time of other people’s children

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You say she “randomly” decides, OP. I think it’s time to sit down with your SIL and understand her (and your) expectations for screen time and reach a compromise. She shouldn’t be grabbing tablets out of kids hands and hiding them but at the same time you have to respect the values of people you’re vacationing with and maybe can agree that everyone does no screens for certain times or activities.

I'm curious about the bolded. "Respecting" SIL's values would mean not forcing her kids to be on phones.

If I want to give my kids a popsicle and somebody I am vacationing with doesn't want their kids to have one, do I not give the popsicles to my own?
If I want to let my kids stay up until 10:00 and somebody I am vacationing with wants their kids to go to bed at 8:00, do I have to send my kids to bed?

I think OP needs to understand why SIL wanted screens to be away. The answers can be nuanced and the compromise depends on the reasonings behind them. If SIL’s approach to screen time is “I wanted your kid to play with (aka babysit) my kid while I went to the lake” you ignore that and let your kid say know/have their phone as usual. If SIL thinks mealtime is sacrosanct family time and takes her kids phones away at 3PM to ensure they’re engaged at dinner, you respect the value of uninterrupted conversation at dinner and ask your kids to put their phones in their rooms for dinner.

Same with the popsicles and bedtimes. Cousins are struggling with weight/allergies/sugar addictions? Maybe don’t give your kids popsicles the other kids aren’t allowed to have in front of them — either share a different treat all the kids can have or give your kids their popsicles when it’s just your family hanging out. Cousins are morning people and your kids are night owls? Ensure everyone staying up late is quiet starting at the earlier bedtime but also ensure that the kids who get up earlier are quiet/out of the house until the later risers are up.

Basically sharing space/vacation means sometimes you can’t have exactly the same house rules you have at home, and that goes for OP and her SIL. (Especially the SIL based on OP’s post but tbf we don’t know what OP does that annoys SIL, which is why they need to talk about it and understand why they both want the rules they do.)

PP here and I can get with most of this. But we agree it should have been SIL who raised this conversation with OP in the first instance, before dictating things to kids, right?

This situation is more like giving a popsicle to my kid, not having any clue what SIL thinks about it, and the SIL comes by and takes it away. We agree that would be wrong?

Now sure, "two wrongs don't make a right" and OP could/should initiate the conversation, but it is much more difficult b/c of what SIL has done so far...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You say your not in her house op but if you were then yes her house her rules. Regarding screens, food, sleep, showers really everything is up to her in her house. If she tells you to give her your phone you hand it over .

This is the weirdest post on this thread. If you’re at someone’s house, you literally have to do everything they say? If an adult I’m staying with demands that I give them my phone, I’m not handing it over, period. You have gone off the rails with hosts’ rights here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s neither volume nor content. She just randomly decides when the kids should “go do something else.” Not her call. Neutral location (neither of our homes but I don’t agree that’s relevant.) These are older kids who were definitely not misbehaving in any way, not 3 year olds.

And I did handle it directly. But just thought I’d throw it out there for any other would-be screen vigilantes. My kids phones have app limits and downtime. Whether or not she (or you) thinks I am a good parent is also irrelevant. Not her call. Even at her house (which we were not.)

Just curious...how many hours a day do your kids have screen time?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You say your not in her house op but if you were then yes her house her rules. Regarding screens, food, sleep, showers really everything is up to her in her house. If she tells you to give her your phone you hand it over .

This is the weirdest post on this thread. If you’re at someone’s house, you literally have to do everything they say? If an adult I’m staying with demands that I give them my phone, I’m not handing it over, period. You have gone off the rails with hosts’ rights here.

I thought we were talking about children, not other adults. Yes, children, including teens, should listen and do what the adults in their family say.

[Anonymous]

Maybe your sister doesn’t want to waste her family time on your family if nobody is doing anything other than staring at a device.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You say your not in her house op but if you were then yes her house her rules. Regarding screens, food, sleep, showers really everything is up to her in her house. If she tells you to give her your phone you hand it over .

This is the weirdest post on this thread. If you’re at someone’s house, you literally have to do everything they say? If an adult I’m staying with demands that I give them my phone, I’m not handing it over, period. You have gone off the rails with hosts’ rights here.

I thought we were talking about children, not other adults. Yes, children, including teens, should listen and do what the adults in their family say.

If you tell my teenager to give you her phone, she won’t and I will support that. She’s not your kid. You don’t get to dictate that, your house or not.

If you have something to say about my kid while she’s in your house, you come to me or her dad. Parent your own children and know when you’ve overstepped.

And that business about how sleep, food and showers are also at the hosts’ directive? No. This is BAD HOST behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s neither volume nor content. She just randomly decides when the kids should “go do something else.” Not her call. Neutral location (neither of our homes but I don’t agree that’s relevant.) These are older kids who were definitely not misbehaving in any way, not 3 year olds.

And I did handle it directly. But just thought I’d throw it out there for any other would-be screen vigilantes. My kids phones have app limits and downtime. Whether or not she (or you) thinks I am a good parent is also irrelevant. Not her call. Even at her house (which we were not.)

Get off your phone and go parent your children. You are fooling exactly no one. No, you did not handle it directly, or you would have put that in your original post. You are spineless.

From the original post:

she made it really awkward when we basically had to demand them back.

They are 12 and 15. But it’s not relevant. She is not their parent. And I am not ignoring them.

You are not ignoring them, but are they ignoring real life family time? You are the problem if you see no problem with that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s neither volume nor content. She just randomly decides when the kids should “go do something else.” Not her call. Neutral location (neither of our homes but I don’t agree that’s relevant.) These are older kids who were definitely not misbehaving in any way, not 3 year olds.

And I did handle it directly. But just thought I’d throw it out there for any other would-be screen vigilantes. My kids phones have app limits and downtime. Whether or not she (or you) thinks I am a good parent is also irrelevant. Not her call. Even at her house (which we were not.)

Get off your phone and go parent your children. You are fooling exactly no one. No, you did not handle it directly, or you would have put that in your original post. You are spineless.

From the original post:

she made it really awkward when we basically had to demand them back.

They are 12 and 15. But it’s not relevant. She is not their parent. And I am not ignoring them.

You are not ignoring them, but are they ignoring real life family time? You are the problem if you see no problem with that.

I was sort of wondering about this, too. I don’t get out my phone and mess around with it when we are visiting with family, and I expect my children to do the same. Phones acceptable all the time, everywhere is crass. Converse, play games, go for a walk…

[Anonymous]

Why is OP talking as if they aren’t ALL one family?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s neither volume nor content. She just randomly decides when the kids should “go do something else.” Not her call. Neutral location (neither of our homes but I don’t agree that’s relevant.) These are older kids who were definitely not misbehaving in any way, not 3 year olds.

And I did handle it directly. But just thought I’d throw it out there for any other would-be screen vigilantes. My kids phones have app limits and downtime. Whether or not she (or you) thinks I am a good parent is also irrelevant. Not her call. Even at her house (which we were not.)

Just curious...how many hours a day do your kids have screen time?

HOURS? My kids don’t get hours plural, and I would hope yours don’t, either! How dreadful. -np

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You say your not in her house op but if you were then yes her house her rules. Regarding screens, food, sleep, showers really everything is up to her in her house. If she tells you to give her your phone you hand it over .

This is the weirdest post on this thread. If you’re at someone’s house, you literally have to do everything they say? If an adult I’m staying with demands that I give them my phone, I’m not handing it over, period. You have gone off the rails with hosts’ rights here.

We are talking about children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s neither volume nor content. She just randomly decides when the kids should “go do something else.” Not her call. Neutral location (neither of our homes but I don’t agree that’s relevant.) These are older kids who were definitely not misbehaving in any way, not 3 year olds.

And I did handle it directly. But just thought I’d throw it out there for any other would-be screen vigilantes. My kids phones have app limits and downtime. Whether or not she (or you) thinks I am a good parent is also irrelevant. Not her call. Even at her house (which we were not.)

Just curious...how many hours a day do your kids have screen time?

HOURS? My kids don’t get hours plural, and I would hope yours don’t, either! How dreadful. -np

PP here. I was asking about OP's kids. Not saying mine have screen time for hours.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You say your not in her house op but if you were then yes her house her rules. Regarding screens, food, sleep, showers really everything is up to her in her house. If she tells you to give her your phone you hand it over .

This is the weirdest post on this thread. If you’re at someone’s house, you literally have to do everything they say? If an adult I’m staying with demands that I give them my phone, I’m not handing it over, period. You have gone off the rails with hosts’ rights here.

I thought we were talking about children, not other adults. Yes, children, including teens, should listen and do what the adults in their family say.

If you tell my teenager to give you her phone, she won’t and I will support that. She’s not your kid. You don’t get to dictate that, your house or not.

If you have something to say about my kid while she’s in your house, you come to me or her dad. Parent your own children and know when you’ve overstepped.

And that business about how sleep, food and showers are also at the hosts’ directive? No. This is BAD HOST behavior.

I disagree strongly. When in another person's home, kids should do as requested by those adults. Not GIVE the phone, but yes, put it away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s neither volume nor content. She just randomly decides when the kids should “go do something else.” Not her call. Neutral location (neither of our homes but I don’t agree that’s relevant.) These are older kids who were definitely not misbehaving in any way, not 3 year olds.

And I did handle it directly. But just thought I’d throw it out there for any other would-be screen vigilantes. My kids phones have app limits and downtime. Whether or not she (or you) thinks I am a good parent is also irrelevant. Not her call. Even at her house (which we were not.)

Get off your phone and go parent your children. You are fooling exactly no one. No, you did not handle it directly, or you would have put that in your original post. You are spineless.

Do you feel the need to call people spineless on EVERY thread?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That is all. Spending time with relatives this weekend and so fed up with my SIL trying to dictate when all the kids can have screens and when they can’t. She even took all their devices and hid them at one point, and she made it really awkward when we basically had to demand them back. She is not anti screen all the time - just when SHE decides she wants no screens, which may not be when I decide.

Parent your own kids and not other people’s.

sorry you play by my rule when you are in my house. don't like it, door to your left.