What are the best years to stay at home (SAHM)?

[Anonymous]

I would think from birth to whenever they start school. Not much of a point thereafter.

[Anonymous]

I took time off when my kids were 3 and 5. I was planning to take a short break but then I had another kid and have been home for 7 years now. My youngest is in kindergarten. It was nice to be home when Covid hit and I didn’t have to worry about work and childcare. I was able to help my elementary kids with school and hang out with my toddler.

I was planning to go back to work this year but I will have 3 kids in 3 different schools. I never believed it but the tween teen years are really important to be around. Many kids struggle during this time. My kids are thriving and I support them. I’m not sure if they would be doing as well as they are if I was working and not around.

To answer OP’s question, I would want to be home early years through kindergarten or first grade. You meet a lot of families then. Your kids need you. It is a fun time. Then I would try to get a flexible WFH or hybrid type job so you can still be around after school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Idk why there is no advocacy for longer maternity and paternity leaves?

There is a lot of advocacy for this! Many individuals and organizations advocate for this all the time, and have actually made a lot of progress in the last 10 years or so. Most companies offer more parental leave than they used to, and more state and municipal governments have mandated leave (like DC now has mandated paid leave for private employers, whereas previously they were only required to offer unpaid FMLA).

We have a ways to go, but there is a lot of advocacy around this issue.

Parental leave isn’t going to be as lengthy as in other countries because married women who want to stay home for a year with a baby typically want to stay home for much longer than just one year. In most other developed counties, wages are lower, COL is higher and taxes are higher. Women simply have to return to work and parental leave supports this. Their lifestyle actually requires government welfare to stay home for a period of time with their child.

Personally, every woman I know who quit her job because she wasn’t ready to return to work, never ended up ready to return to work.

I actually support parental leave and received 6 months of leave. But I have done some thinking about why we don’t have extended government leave here and I think it’s actually because it’s unnecessary for most women.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Most parents underestimate how much care, guidance and supervision teens need.

m

Yes but how does working prevent this care and guidance? Plenty of working moms are able to stager their schedules where they stop work late afternoon/early evening. Kids are in school most of the day. If you don’t quit working, you can likely take 2 weeks of leave in the summer and the husband can too. I just don’t see why you’d need to be unemployed because you have a teenager.

[Anonymous]

There is a reason young people have a mental health crisis in high school and early college years. Their emotional needs weren't met properly due to today's busy lifestyles. That goes for both at home or outside parents. Make time for your teens. Making them logistically independent makes life easier but there is more to do for their emotional wellbeing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Most parents underestimate how much care, guidance and supervision teens need.

m

Yes but how does working prevent this care and guidance? Plenty of working moms are able to stager their schedules where they stop work late afternoon/early evening. Kids are in school most of the day. If you don’t quit working, you can likely take 2 weeks of leave in the summer and the husband can too. I just don’t see why you’d need to be unemployed because you have a teenager.

Nobody is asking you to become unemployed. OP wants to know which years kids need most support. You can still work part time. Full time work of both parents makes parenting too hurried and full of distractions because there is less time, more burden and little flexibility. Of course, it all depends on nature and hours of jobs.

[Anonymous]

Most marital problems happen because there is a tug of war between personal, parental and professional needs during parenting years

[Anonymous]

We must not forget that in today's world where marriages are disposable, resume gaps can be a huge liability.

[Anonymous]

I worked part-time till my kids started MS. It was nice to be able to volunteer at school sometimes, chaperone field trips, work on school projects, etc. They liked it when they were that age. I also started working from home way before the pandemic and was able to take my kids to all their after-school activities. Now that they are in HS, they want me to leave them alone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Most parents underestimate how much care, guidance and supervision teens need.

They actually don’t need that much compared to younger children. It’s just that over parenting has become the norm now, to the detriment of the well being of teenagers and the process of trying to become independent adults one day.

There is a post today on this forum from someone who wants to know if their 14 year old can take Uber. Think about that. A parent wanting to put their underage child in a car with a stranger so the stranger can drive off with them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Most marital problems happen because there is a tug of war between personal, parental and professional needs during parenting years

No, they don't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Assuming you will have a flexible white collar job it’s really pretty easy to work once the youngest is about 8 or so. Especially in the post Covid era.

I think you just have to pick the right boss (or they have to pick you). My boss and I work similar hours and have similar kid pickup and sports schedules.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Most parents underestimate how much care, guidance and supervision teens need.

They actually don’t need that much compared to younger children. It’s just that over parenting has become the norm now, to the detriment of the well being of teenagers and the process of trying to become independent adults one day.

There is a post today on this forum from someone who wants to know if their 14 year old can take Uber. Think about that. A parent wanting to put their underage child in a car with a stranger so the stranger can drive off with them.

So what? Do you know how free kids used to be? Children in NYC have been getting their own cabs for generations. This is only a big deal if you have extreme anxiety.

[Anonymous]

Outlier opinion here, but unless you just love babies or are trying to save on daycare costs, I'd work while they are little. Babies to preschoolers are simple and easy to parent. They need a loving caregiver, but a good nanny or attentive childcare can teach them to be kind and good sharers (or whatever your values are).

Mine are in elementary school now and I work very flexible hours, which allows me to volunteer at school, lead the extracurriculars, shuttle them to after school activities, and not run myself ragged trying to catch up on work after their later bedtimes. It's not the hard emotional work of the teen years, but it's fun and they really love having their parent be the one that's there. I plan on staying in my flexible job through junior high, and maybe high school if they need it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is a reason young people have a mental health crisis in high school and early college years. Their emotional needs weren't met properly due to today's busy lifestyles. That goes for both at home or outside parents. Make time for your teens. Making them logistically independent makes life easier but there is more to do for their emotional wellbeing.

No way. Parents spend more time with their children now than any generation. Perhaps you can blame the over scheduling. But if you want to blame parental time spent with kids, you’d need to blame the fact parents now spend more time with their children.

Truth is that kids want to hang with other kids. I can’t help but think kids playing with other kids in the neighborhood while mom is busy is way better for mental health than some anxious mom breathing down her kid’s neck every afternoon and treating the child like a FT job.