What are the best years to stay at home (SAHM)?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would really like to be a SAHM for some portion of my kids’ childhood, probably 5-10 years total. We have two toddlers now and a third on the way. Both spouses work full time. Issues of re-entering the workforce aside, for those of you who have done it, what years are best for staying at home? Would you recommend staying home to savor the infant years with the last baby or wait for the middle school years when pre-teens/teens might need more parental support? Or elementary school years when there are more opportunities to volunteer at school and be involved with play/activities? Or other?

There is no one size fits all window. You should plan according to what works best for your family. Only advice is to make it happen whenever you can. No matter what naysayers say, you and your kids deserve a full immersion-no interruption mommy-kiddo phase for bonding and memories. That's what nature intended by giving mom birthing and breastfeeding capabilities.

[Anonymous]

Idk why there is no advocacy for longer maternity and paternity leaves?

[Anonymous]

Couple of years off for mom between 0-3 and then both parents taking turns between 13-18 to go part time or working from home if possible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My preference would be SAHM from birth to 5, then full time work (but not travel, late nights, or weekend work) for all of elementary, then flexible, maybe not-quite-full-time for MS and HS. Reasoning:

SAHM 0-5 -- they just need you so much, plus childcare is a huge PITA and has its limits (like when your kid is sick and can't got to daycare, or when your nanny has a family crisis and needs a week off, etc.). They are also cute and cuddly at this phase with more rewards for the work you put in because they are so loving.

Full-time through elementary -- they don't have extensive activities yet so they don't need as much support with that, they are at school and often prefer to attend aftercare because they are social and want time with friends. Their lives are pretty stable and consistent and it's a good time to focus on work. Best for a regular 9-5 job that isn't too stressful because you do still have parenting stuff to do so you want to be able to focus on that when not at work. But you aren't breastfeeding, potty training, applying to college, dealing with puberty, etc. It's a relatively low key time.

Flex/Part-time in MS/HS -- this is a really good time to have more flexibility for driving them to practice/rehearsal or showing up for their games, being around when they get home so they can share what's going on socially, providing support for finding summer jobs/internships, applying to college, etc. Especially by HS, they are soon to be gone and having some extra time in your schedule can be nice and help cement that relationship and get to know their almost-adult self before they fly the coop.

This is all very unrealistic for most people's careers though.

I read this and think you probably had only girls. Also reiterates for me how different life is for different families! (I dont mean this is a critical way, your post was helpful, just so very different than my experience)

PP here and you are right, but I'd be curious to find out how your experience was different and how you'd do it differently. For the record, I never SAHMed, though I did take an extended maternity leave (6 mo and then part-time contract another 6 months), so the part about being home in the beginning is really just about what I wished I could have done. I did actually become much more flexible when my youngest started MS and had a ton of flexibility during the teen years (started working for myself which allowed me to work from home and set my own hours, it was great).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Idk why there is no advocacy for longer maternity and paternity leaves?

There is a lot of advocacy for this! Many individuals and organizations advocate for this all the time, and have actually made a lot of progress in the last 10 years or so. Most companies offer more parental leave than they used to, and more state and municipal governments have mandated leave (like DC now has mandated paid leave for private employers, whereas previously they were only required to offer unpaid FMLA).

We have a ways to go, but there is a lot of advocacy around this issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Elementary school is not very working parent friendly, particularly if you have multiple. The kids are old enough to know when you are around and to have opinions about how they spend their time. They have activities and interests. They have their own friends. Elementary school hours can be weird, for example ours let's out at 3pm. Finding care after school can be difficult. And there are so many random holidays and half days! And the kids are young enough that they want you around! They want to play and talk. They will fight aftercare, at least occasionally. And their schools are always asking for volunteers at 11am on Tuesday.

In my opinion its hardest to work full time from 1st to 5th grade.

I’m a PP and my experience has been very different. We have KAH as our aftercare provider and the kids really do enjoy it. I’m actually unhappy with the aftercare for my younger child’s preschool so try to pick up at the end of the school day as often as I can (luckily for me this is often possible) but today my elementary schooler wanted w stay and I was instructed not to arrive before a certain time. It was great to have some 1:1 time with my younger child and know my older one was having fun. They are open on many but not all school work days and some holidays. I know not all programs are this good but you can definitely ask around the families in your neighborhood and find out.

The summer is tricky for me. We pay for the beat camp we can find and my kids usually know at least one friend other have a relatively good time. I can take off about two weeks total though so it’s a lot of camp. I wish I could take off a little more (my husband has less flexibility than me). But the whole summer at home would be boring for my high energy kids; a lot of the friends are in camp when they aren’t traveling and even some of the kids whose parents don’t strictly need the child care will do sports camps etc. so I don’t really know why camp bothers me. But basically I feel that being a working mom during the school year is fine at this age but the summers are where I feel a little guilty. But other people think camp is amazing and even do sleep away camp for (to me) very young kids so they obviously feel differently. It’s so hard to know in advance.

[Anonymous]

Most parents underestimate how much care, guidance and supervision teens need.

[Anonymous]

SAHM to 5 kids 7-15. I’ve been home all along, but I can honestly say my middle and high schoolers have benefitted tremendously from me being home. So many things they wouldn’t have been able to do if I wasn’t available. They also need a lot more emotional support. I didn’t really expect this to be honest. The needs just change as they grow.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Most parents underestimate how much care, guidance and supervision teens need.

They actually don’t need that much compared to younger children. It’s just that over parenting has become the norm now, to the detriment of the well being of teenagers and the process of trying to become independent adults one day.

[Anonymous]

Infant and toddler years, hands down. My oldest is about to enter high school. Yes, it’s nice and helpful to be home when kids are older, but to me it felt much more important when they were little.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My preference would be SAHM from birth to 5, then full time work (but not travel, late nights, or weekend work) for all of elementary, then flexible, maybe not-quite-full-time for MS and HS. Reasoning:

SAHM 0-5 -- they just need you so much, plus childcare is a huge PITA and has its limits (like when your kid is sick and can't got to daycare, or when your nanny has a family crisis and needs a week off, etc.). They are also cute and cuddly at this phase with more rewards for the work you put in because they are so loving.

Full-time through elementary -- they don't have extensive activities yet so they don't need as much support with that, they are at school and often prefer to attend aftercare because they are social and want time with friends. Their lives are pretty stable and consistent and it's a good time to focus on work. Best for a regular 9-5 job that isn't too stressful because you do still have parenting stuff to do so you want to be able to focus on that when not at work. But you aren't breastfeeding, potty training, applying to college, dealing with puberty, etc. It's a relatively low key time.

Flex/Part-time in MS/HS -- this is a really good time to have more flexibility for driving them to practice/rehearsal or showing up for their games, being around when they get home so they can share what's going on socially, providing support for finding summer jobs/internships, applying to college, etc. Especially by HS, they are soon to be gone and having some extra time in your schedule can be nice and help cement that relationship and get to know their almost-adult self before they fly the coop.

This is all very unrealistic for most people's careers though.

I read this and think you probably had only girls. Also reiterates for me how different life is for different families! (I dont mean this is a critical way, your post was helpful, just so very different than my experience)

PP here and you are right, but I'd be curious to find out how your experience was different and how you'd do it differently. For the record, I never SAHMed, though I did take an extended maternity leave (6 mo and then part-time contract another 6 months), so the part about being home in the beginning is really just about what I wished I could have done. I did actually become much more flexible when my youngest started MS and had a ton of flexibility during the teen years (started working for myself which allowed me to work from home and set my own hours, it was great).

I'm the PP who thought you were right and I also have only girls. Now I'm curious how the other PP knew it and what the difference is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Most parents underestimate how much care, guidance and supervision teens need.

I have two teens and the hardest part for me hasn’t been providing care but learning when to let go so you are raising a functional adult who can be independent. It means releasing your fears so your teen can learn to drive, learning to relax a bit on screen time, trusting your child to honor a curfew, helping me to prioritize his weekly schedule so you aren’t organizing it for him. I certainly don’t think you need to prioritize being a SAHM at these ages.

[Anonymous]

I think there is some good evidence that less hours of daycare for kids under 2 avoids some negative behavior outcomes. Then my friends say the parenting load ramps back up at ages 13-16 (and I think this was backed up by articles like ‘why women can’t have it all’

obviously with three kids that time is stretched. And logistically the mom load is still there. So I compromised and found a well paid part time wfh job (helped to have a technical degree) that is truly part time. Unicorn I know but they are out there, left my specific field. We also bought a cheaper house in a further out area (exurb.) dh has 2x week 1 hr commute.

Not always sure I made the right call. I miss the urban life sometimes, and wonder if my kids would have had a richer life there. But, the financial stress to buy closer-in would have been severe, and I suspect it would have put a big strain on our marriage, and having young kids already does that. And the hustle involved in 8-10 hour daycare days is just not for us. We like to eat breakfast. We like to do an early dinner. We are kind of lazy compared to our type A UMC over educated peer group.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Most parents underestimate how much care, guidance and supervision teens need.

They actually don’t need that much compared to younger children. It’s just that over parenting has become the norm now, to the detriment of the well being of teenagers and the process of trying to become independent adults one day.

What do you mean by over-parenting? If you’re talking about micromanaging their homework, then yes. But I have learned that what teens need is someone to be there for them to support them emotionally. Teens don’t often reach emotionally out but when they do I want to be available to respond. Have you read the book Untangled? It’s specifically for girls but it has a lot of good advice for all teens.

I don’t think that parents of teens need to not work for $ at all in order to be present parents, but I think that in most cases they need flexible jobs. And I don’t think a lot of SAHPs of teens actually SAH all day. I call myself a SAHM but I substitute teach most days. If I had worked during the earlier years I think I’d be able to have something that would allow me to work while still being present for the kids while they aren’t in school.

That said, it’s fine. I will never have some great career but barring an economic collapse or something I will be okay financially and we don’t need the money. I can’t complain too much. But I personally wouldn’t advice a parent to assume that it will be totally fine to work a lot when their kids reach the teen years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Idk why there is no advocacy for longer maternity and paternity leaves?

There is a lot of advocacy for this! Many individuals and organizations advocate for this all the time, and have actually made a lot of progress in the last 10 years or so. Most companies offer more parental leave than they used to, and more state and municipal governments have mandated leave (like DC now has mandated paid leave for private employers, whereas previously they were only required to offer unpaid FMLA).

We have a ways to go, but there is a lot of advocacy around this issue.

Neither enough advocacy nor enough progress.