Jealous of women who get “lucky” with marriage

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP here.
I have a happy marriage and DH is a wonderful husband and father. For me it was a combination of -
- Having great parents, happy childhood and adulthood and seeing example of a good marriage growing up.
- Having extremely supportive male figures in my life, namely, my two grandfathers, dad, uncles, brothers, my research advisor.
- Being very well educated and financially emancipated.
- Not caring if I ever married. My life was full and meaningful even as a single woman.
- Having a LOT of male friends, relatives and collegues. I learned something from each of them. I was however not in a relationship (or hooking up) with them. I just remained comfortable in any male dominated enviornment.
- Doing the work necessary (along with my DH) to make our marriage work. It is a choice sans abuse/adultry/addiction.

The bolded is never guaranteed, though. And it can go away, seemingly especially when men hit big life milestones like losing a parent or go through a midlife crisis.

Well, my DH is 57. Lost his dad recently and his mom is not doing well either. He has remained positive and loving.

In my own life, I have had exampelary and moral men who have helped me to grow and I trust and respect them. Yes, there are jerky men and jerky women, and I do not attract them in my orbit. I assume that husbands want to be good husbands and loving dads. Not being a pollyanna here. If you have education, family support, a sense of right and wrong and financial independence - you are more likely to not make wrong choices in selection of a mate. Also, if you do make a wrong choice or are fooled by a con-man, you will get out of that situation very easily.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The thread about ruining your life by picking poorly is triggering me today. I am also one of the women who, after 10 years in a hell-ish marriage, feels like she “picked poorly.”

I don’t like to feel sorry for myself and don’t like to blame others. As I watch the disappointment that is my marriage, I feel so sad and resentful.

Did your women who have great husbands and marriages get lucky? Or they were smarter than me and picked better?

I've come to a realization that people we envy aren't necessarily as lucky as they seem or at least not for the whole length. Everyone gets their share of ups and downs.

100% you have zero idea what someone else’s life is really like or the struggles behind closed doors. Nobody knows what goes on in a very long marriage behind closed doors.

Yep my parents have been married for 30 years. I don’t think either of them can afford to divorce (house is paid off).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP here.
I have a happy marriage and DH is a wonderful husband and father. For me it was a combination of -
- Having great parents, happy childhood and adulthood and seeing example of a good marriage growing up.
- Having extremely supportive male figures in my life, namely, my two grandfathers, dad, uncles, brothers, my research advisor.
- Being very well educated and financially emancipated.
- Not caring if I ever married. My life was full and meaningful even as a single woman.
- Having a LOT of male friends, relatives and collegues. I learned something from each of them. I was however not in a relationship (or hooking up) with them. I just remained comfortable in any male dominated enviornment.
- Doing the work necessary (along with my DH) to make our marriage work. It is a choice sans abuse/adultry/addiction.

I agree with all of this. It was “luck” in crossing paths with my DH (helps that I attended a very prestigious but male dominated graduate program), but I never wavered on knowing my self worth and holding a high bar on integrity, EQ, communication skills, commitment to marriage and similar long-term goals.

[Anonymous]

My husband is a little “nerdy” but he is so nice and thoughtful. He’s cute but nerdy and most women wouldn’t give hive a second look. I’m very lucky to have him. He loves and and the life we have together. We have similar values and morals. We came from similar family backgrounds. We are somewhat opposites. He is a little conservative and I’m a little more moderate. He’s more quiet, I’m more loud. We each have different strengths and weaknesses We really complement each other. He’s my best friend. I think some women like bad boys and he is not that.

[Anonymous]

I haven’t read much of this thread, but I find that many women on DCUM are quick to blame their spouses and point out their flaws, but few are willing to accept any responsibility for their own poor judgment and poor decision-making skills.

[Anonymous]

When we got married, we drove a duct taped car. My husband had a good degree, but hadn't begun working yet.

We've been extremely fortunate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Being really real with you, given the anonymity of this board? Marrying well was my #1 focus from the age of 20 or so on. Every relationship, I was thinking about marriage. I dumped any guy who was squishy on marrying young. Also any guy who didn’t share my vision for a successful life (yes, including high paying careers). I didn’t spend my 20s going out. I was neurotic about my “body count” because I was worried about scaring off potential husbands. I picked my grad school program because I thought it would give me the best dating options out of the programs I was admitted to (and I was right). I met my husband in grad school and we were married the day after graduation, both mid-late 20s.

I don’t say this all to be smug. Even though it worked out for me, and I have a great husband, there’s no doubt it came at a cost, and I do feel a little sad my 20s didn’t include more adventure and fun.

I wasn't as calculated as this, but yes I never once dated someone without thinking of marriage. I was not looking for a FWB or just a random guy to date and have fun with. Nope, they had to be marriage potential or I passed on them.

Same. And I teach my kids - the moment you know that the person you are dating is not a marriage material, it's time for you to bow out.

Actually, my husband was the same. Early on I apparently said something that made him think I might be childfree. So, he asked me very pointedly if I am open to having children. He said that infertility is a different story, but if I do not want to be a mother, we should remain friends. I appreciated the honesty and directness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I haven’t read much of this thread, but I find that many women on DCUM are quick to blame their spouses and point out their flaws, but few are willing to accept any responsibility for their own poor judgment and poor decision-making skills.

Well, the comparison doesn’t really work because the wife’s poor decision usually happened a decade ago and the husband’s poor decisions are happening in the present day. So they have progressed but their husbands have not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Being really real with you, given the anonymity of this board? Marrying well was my #1 focus from the age of 20 or so on. Every relationship, I was thinking about marriage. I dumped any guy who was squishy on marrying young. Also any guy who didn’t share my vision for a successful life (yes, including high paying careers). I didn’t spend my 20s going out. I was neurotic about my “body count” because I was worried about scaring off potential husbands. I picked my grad school program because I thought it would give me the best dating options out of the programs I was admitted to (and I was right). I met my husband in grad school and we were married the day after graduation, both mid-late 20s.

I don’t say this all to be smug. Even though it worked out for me, and I have a great husband, there’s no doubt it came at a cost, and I do feel a little sad my 20s didn’t include more adventure and fun.

I wasn't as calculated as this, but yes I never once dated someone without thinking of marriage. I was not looking for a FWB or just a random guy to date and have fun with. Nope, they had to be marriage potential or I passed on them.

Same. And I teach my kids - the moment you know that the person you are dating is not a marriage material, it's time for you to bow out.

Actually, my husband was the same. Early on I apparently said something that made him think I might be childfree. So, he asked me very pointedly if I am open to having children. He said that infertility is a different story, but if I do not want to be a mother, we should remain friends. I appreciated the honesty and directness.

Your kids will do what they want though.

[Anonymous]

I thought I was lucky but to be honest we're really not that compatible as we age. Riding it out until the kids are out

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Pp again. My previous jerk bf was probably better looking and more successful at the time but DH aged really well and now earns a seven figure income now. I think I lucked out on Dh being very successful.

How did you luck into someone making that kind of money? What does he do??

DP. Biglaw (big 4 accounting & MBB consulting partners too), specialized surgeons, hedge fund principals, F500 CEOs, successful tv/film actors, professional ball players etc make that.

But buyer beware. Those jobs demand 60+ hour weeks & travel. Make sure you actually want to marry that.

yes 60 plus and the plus can be a lot more. But why would anyone not want to marry that? Real question. You want to marry some guy who likes fourth place? What woman would do that?

It can be hard to be married to a perfectionist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Pp again. My previous jerk bf was probably better looking and more successful at the time but DH aged really well and now earns a seven figure income now. I think I lucked out on Dh being very successful.

How did you luck into someone making that kind of money? What does he do??

DP. Biglaw (big 4 accounting & MBB consulting partners too), specialized surgeons, hedge fund principals, F500 CEOs, successful tv/film actors, professional ball players etc make that.

But buyer beware. Those jobs demand 60+ hour weeks & travel. Make sure you actually want to marry that.

yes 60 plus and the plus can be a lot more. But why would anyone not want to marry that? Real question. [b]You want to marry some guy who likes fourth place?[b]What woman would do that?

Yes.

People at the very top of any profession have high rates of sociopathy, alcoholism, divorce, drug use & cheating. They also tend to have a constant desire for adventure & adrenaline, and being in a monogamous, long-term marriage usually doesn’t fit into that. They don’t know how to relax, either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Pp again. My previous jerk bf was probably better looking and more successful at the time but DH aged really well and now earns a seven figure income now. I think I lucked out on Dh being very successful.

How did you luck into someone making that kind of money? What does he do??

DP. Biglaw (big 4 accounting & MBB consulting partners too), specialized surgeons, hedge fund principals, F500 CEOs, successful tv/film actors, professional ball players etc make that.

But buyer beware. Those jobs demand 60+ hour weeks & travel. Make sure you actually want to marry that.

the

yes 60 plus and the plus can be a lot more. But why would anyone not want to marry that? Real question. You want to marry some guy who likes fourth place? What woman would do that?

Are you serious? For one, you’ll never see them. They’ll likely be an absentee parent & spouse, and will probably have affairs while they’re traveling. They’ll be stressed & probably dabble in drugs & alcohol. High chance they’ll leave you for someone young.

If as a woman you also want to have an interesting life and career then being married v to a diva guy who always has to be number one doesn't really work. No desire to be his support staff or a backup singer. My mom has or acted like my dads secretary for forty years, buying his underwear and making his Dentist appointments. I would rather be married to an adult partner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Being really real with you, given the anonymity of this board? Marrying well was my #1 focus from the age of 20 or so on. Every relationship, I was thinking about marriage. I dumped any guy who was squishy on marrying young. Also any guy who didn’t share my vision for a successful life (yes, including high paying careers). I didn’t spend my 20s going out. I was neurotic about my “body count” because I was worried about scaring off potential husbands. I picked my grad school program because I thought it would give me the best dating options out of the programs I was admitted to (and I was right). I met my husband in grad school and we were married the day after graduation, both mid-late 20s.

I don’t say this all to be smug. Even though it worked out for me, and I have a great husband, there’s no doubt it came at a cost, and I do feel a little sad my 20s didn’t include more adventure and fun.

I wasn't as calculated as this, but yes I never once dated someone without thinking of marriage. I was not looking for a FWB or just a random guy to date and have fun with. Nope, they had to be marriage potential or I passed on them.

Same. And I teach my kids - the moment you know that the person you are dating is not a marriage material, it's time for you to bow out.

Actually, my husband was the same. Early on I apparently said something that made him think I might be childfree. So, he asked me very pointedly if I am open to having children. He said that infertility is a different story, but if I do not want to be a mother, we should remain friends. I appreciated the honesty and directness.

Your kids will do what they want though.

But they want what I have, because they see the benefits of a good marriage. My two oldest are 21 and 23, and are very serious about their current partners. It may or may not work out, but both the man my daughter is dating and the woman my son is dating are showing a good potential so far.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Pp again. My previous jerk bf was probably better looking and more successful at the time but DH aged really well and now earns a seven figure income now. I think I lucked out on Dh being very successful.

How did you luck into someone making that kind of money? What does he do??

DP. Biglaw (big 4 accounting & MBB consulting partners too), specialized surgeons, hedge fund principals, F500 CEOs, successful tv/film actors, professional ball players etc make that.

But buyer beware. Those jobs demand 60+ hour weeks & travel. Make sure you actually want to marry that.

Sure, but most of those careers you will know they are on that path well before marriage (in top law school, consulting firm) so it’s not really “luck” that PP DH suddenly made 7 figures. She would be aware that was a likely outcome. Luck is marrying the high school science teacher who writes a science fiction novel that become a movie franchise.