Jealous of women who get “lucky” with marriage

[Anonymous]

I may have a good marriage but our kid has a life threatening condition. SO you win some. <eyeroll>

[Anonymous]

We were in the same private school circles as tweens & teens.

[Anonymous]

Being really real with you, given the anonymity of this board? Marrying well was my #1 focus from the age of 20 or so on. Every relationship, I was thinking about marriage. I dumped any guy who was squishy on marrying young. Also any guy who didn’t share my vision for a successful life (yes, including high paying careers). I didn’t spend my 20s going out. I was neurotic about my “body count” because I was worried about scaring off potential husbands. I picked my grad school program because I thought it would give me the best dating options out of the programs I was admitted to (and I was right). I met my husband in grad school and we were married the day after graduation, both mid-late 20s.

I don’t say this all to be smug. Even though it worked out for me, and I have a great husband, there’s no doubt it came at a cost, and I do feel a little sad my 20s didn’t include more adventure and fun.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t say this all to be smug. Even though it worked out for me, and I have a great husband, there’s no doubt it came at a cost, and I do feel a little sad my 20s didn’t include more adventure and fun.

I hope the man you worked so hard to land never leaves you for someone else. You sacrificed so much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I focused on my looks to be able to have a large pool to choose from. I went on over 100 first dates, of these only a dozen made it to date #2, and i had a couple of relationships lasting 6 months (guy had two other girls on the back burner) to a few years (nice guy but ultimately incompatible). Then I finally met my husband. It wasn’t immediate fireworks but a slow burn and he is amazing. I compromised on looks (I do find DH very attractive but one of my long term exes was literally a rock climbing model and that part was nice, not gonna lie). I did not compromise on anything else. I did all this very consciously but I have no doubt I also got very lucky. He is the most amazing dad, and husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Being really real with you, given the anonymity of this board? Marrying well was my #1 focus from the age of 20 or so on. Every relationship, I was thinking about marriage. I dumped any guy who was squishy on marrying young. Also any guy who didn’t share my vision for a successful life (yes, including high paying careers). I didn’t spend my 20s going out. I was neurotic about my “body count” because I was worried about scaring off potential husbands. I picked my grad school program because I thought it would give me the best dating options out of the programs I was admitted to (and I was right). I met my husband in grad school and we were married the day after graduation, both mid-late 20s.

I don’t say this all to be smug. Even though it worked out for me, and I have a great husband, there’s no doubt it came at a cost, and I do feel a little sad my 20s didn’t include more adventure and fun.

That's very strange.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Being really real with you, given the anonymity of this board? Marrying well was my #1 focus from the age of 20 or so on. Every relationship, I was thinking about marriage. I dumped any guy who was squishy on marrying young. Also any guy who didn’t share my vision for a successful life (yes, including high paying careers). I didn’t spend my 20s going out. I was neurotic about my “body count” because I was worried about scaring off potential husbands. I picked my grad school program because I thought it would give me the best dating options out of the programs I was admitted to (and I was right). I met my husband in grad school and we were married the day after graduation, both mid-late 20s.

I don’t say this all to be smug. Even though it worked out for me, and I have a great husband, there’s no doubt it came at a cost, and I do feel a little sad my 20s didn’t include more adventure and fun.

That's very strange.

At least pp was honest.

[Anonymous]

You're lucky to actually *meet* the person, smart enough to keep them. DH and I met during college. He was fantastic and we just knew. I made the decision to skip law school and instead move cross country with him. It was a hard choice then, but now- thank god I did it! So many of my friends passed on guys that they met too young. They wanted to meet someone at like 27, marry at 30. Except they met the awesome guys in their early 20s and never met anyone that awesome again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Being really real with you, given the anonymity of this board? Marrying well was my #1 focus from the age of 20 or so on. Every relationship, I was thinking about marriage. I dumped any guy who was squishy on marrying young. Also any guy who didn’t share my vision for a successful life (yes, including high paying careers). I didn’t spend my 20s going out. I was neurotic about my “body count” because I was worried about scaring off potential husbands. I picked my grad school program because I thought it would give me the best dating options out of the programs I was admitted to (and I was right). I met my husband in grad school and we were married the day after graduation, both mid-late 20s.

I don’t say this all to be smug. Even though it worked out for me, and I have a great husband, there’s no doubt it came at a cost, and I do feel a little sad my 20s didn’t include more adventure and fun.

I wasn't as calculated as this, but yes I never once dated someone without thinking of marriage. I was not looking for a FWB or just a random guy to date and have fun with. Nope, they had to be marriage potential or I passed on them.

[Anonymous]

I think it takes self awareness, good judgment and willingness to work on it.

I don't have a great relationship with my father but he was present, hard working, committed to marriage even though he was a jerk to many people. I did date some emotionally unavailable men who didn't treat me well.

It wasn't until a very horrible breakup that I really committed to therapy and looking at red flags and passing on guys who didn't treat me well or lacked character. I have some single friends now who seem so hung up on things like height or earning potential and seem way too picky.

I chose a man I am attracted to and we have a lot in common and willingness to work together. I wanted someone who had my back and was resilient and I do. It hasn't always been easy through various job changes and moves and family stress but I love him dearly and know that he is always there for me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Being really real with you, given the anonymity of this board? Marrying well was my #1 focus from the age of 20 or so on. Every relationship, I was thinking about marriage. I dumped any guy who was squishy on marrying young. Also any guy who didn’t share my vision for a successful life (yes, including high paying careers). I didn’t spend my 20s going out. I was neurotic about my “body count” because I was worried about scaring off potential husbands. I picked my grad school program because I thought it would give me the best dating options out of the programs I was admitted to (and I was right). I met my husband in grad school and we were married the day after graduation, both mid-late 20s.

I don’t say this all to be smug. Even though it worked out for me, and I have a great husband, there’s no doubt it came at a cost, and I do feel a little sad my 20s didn’t include more adventure and fun.

I wasn't as calculated as this, but yes I never once dated someone without thinking of marriage. I was not looking for a FWB or just a random guy to date and have fun with. Nope, they had to be marriage potential or I passed on them.

How or why do you think that is? Who put that in your mind as something that was a high priority? I say this as someone who didn’t want marriage to tie me down when I was young. I lucked into a great marriage. I know a good partner is important in life. But did you even know yourself at that point? Was it a parent or mother who instilled this in you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t say this all to be smug. Even though it worked out for me, and I have a great husband, there’s no doubt it came at a cost, and I do feel a little sad my 20s didn’t include more adventure and fun.

I hope the man you worked so hard to land never leaves you for someone else. You sacrificed so much.

Do you? Or do you hope I fail to punish me?

[Anonymous]

Opposite of the person who focused on her looks, I focused on my earning potential. This had a double purpose. If I didn’t meet a partner, I knew I could support myself with the lifestyle I wanted. If I did meet a partner, I could focus on his personality, ability to be a good partner and parent, and his relationship with his family. I knew I didn’t need him to support us or be a breadwinner.

I have a great husband who sometimes jokes that he’s the “wife” because of the household and social things he takes care of for us. When I met him, he was defending his PhD. He was unemployed and then a post doc for many years while we dated and got married. He earns 40% of our income now, but that was never part of the plan. Our friend who introduced us said “I’m not sure if he’ll ever hold a lucrative job or even the same job for very long, but I promise you’ll have a fun life full of love. She was right.

I think I made my own luck by creating the life I wanted for myself and trusting that the type of people who I would attract would fit into that vision.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Most of the women I know with really terrific husbands have really great dads. Like I went to their weddings and thought "wow this guy is clearly so in love with them and stable and great" and then saw that their dad also clearly really loved them and was stable and great and went "oh".

I actually think I got lucky considering I have a pretty crappy dad. Self-centered, immature, often abusive. When he's paying attention to me, which is almost never, it's usually to be critical. And he has not been a good partner to my mom (who has her own issues, but was a better mom to me than he was a dad). My DH is an upgrade over all of this -- not abusive, much more mature, though can be pretty self-centered at times. But willing to work on it, whereas my dad has never been willing to work on any aspect of his personality.

I credit therapy, waiting to get married until I had worked through some of the issues from my bad childhood, and also the good fortune of living in a time when men like my dad are less able to get away with being so selfish (slightly less, at least). But yeah, I know women who have husbands who are so loving and kind and generous, but every one of those women has a dad who is the same. They were born lucky. I wasn't.

PP here. To add: I think women with really wonderful fathers grow up to believe they are worthy of a great partner. Like, truly worthy. I had to really work to feel that way, and even now I still struggle with it -- the idea that I am simply not good enough to earn someone's love is very deeply engrained in me. Having real faith in your own worthiness is such a gift.

This is SO true. I have a loving, engaged father who has been married to my mom for 52 years. My FIL is also an engaged father and helpful, thoughtful husband with a 50yr marriage. My BFF thinks my husband is amazing, and I think he’s normal. So many smart, accomplished women I know settle for such substandard treatment and have such low expectations for the men in their lives.

[Anonymous]

Agree with the part about fathers. My husband and dad are pretty different, but they both think I'm a lot more amazing than I actually am ;P That said I got really lucky in an increasingly uncommon way - met a smart, nice, cute boy in 7th grade and became best friends with him. stayed best friends during all the awkward years, started dating at 18 and married at 24. We grew into ourselves together and are now happily middle aged together. It was 100% luck here.