Jealous of women who get “lucky” with marriage

[Anonymous]

I agree with many others that it is a bit of both. I had HORRIBLE judgment before my DH. Luckily, I snapped out of it and realized DH was a good one and what I truly needed (the opposite of the majority of relationships I had before him...not all were "bad" but wouldn't have worked out if I had married them) when he started pursuing me. So it was luck that I met him, and I was intentional about fully committing to him when he made it clear he was serious about a long term future with me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t say this all to be smug. Even though it worked out for me, and I have a great husband, there’s no doubt it came at a cost, and I do feel a little sad my 20s didn’t include more adventure and fun.

I hope the man you worked so hard to land never leaves you for someone else. You sacrificed so much.

Do you? Or do you hope I fail to punish me?

I don't care enough about you to bother, tb...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t say this all to be smug. Even though it worked out for me, and I have a great husband, there’s no doubt it came at a cost, and I do feel a little sad my 20s didn’t include more adventure and fun.

I hope the man you worked so hard to land never leaves you for someone else. You sacrificed so much.

Do you? Or do you hope I fail to punish me?

DP, but all of your posts make it seem like you are super defensive and spoiling for a fight, like you're convinced everyone is jealous of you. But... we're not. I enjoyed my 20s, dated for fun, met my DH by total accident when I was 28, got married, have a great life.

I also think that it benefitted me to just not care that much about marriage in my 20s. It gave me space to figure out what I wanted in general out of life (not just out of a husband) which led to me making choices to make those things happen regardless of whether I got married, which means that when I met my DH, I was already on a path an trajectory I was excited about and it helped me know he was at the right guy for me because he was ready to get on that same path.

I'm glad your approach worked out too, but I think it's weird that you seem to think we're all trying to punish you for "winning" here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t say this all to be smug. Even though it worked out for me, and I have a great husband, there’s no doubt it came at a cost, and I do feel a little sad my 20s didn’t include more adventure and fun.

I hope the man you worked so hard to land never leaves you for someone else. You sacrificed so much.

Do you? Or do you hope I fail to punish me?

DP, but all of your posts make it seem like you are super defensive and spoiling for a fight, like you're convinced everyone is jealous of you. But... we're not. I enjoyed my 20s, dated for fun, met my DH by total accident when I was 28, got married, have a great life.

I also think that it benefitted me to just not care that much about marriage in my 20s. It gave me space to figure out what I wanted in general out of life (not just out of a husband) which led to me making choices to make those things happen regardless of whether I got married, which means that when I met my DH, I was already on a path an trajectory I was excited about and it helped me know he was at the right guy for me because he was ready to get on that same path.

I'm glad your approach worked out too, but I think it's weird that you seem to think we're all trying to punish you for "winning" here.

I only made two posts. The second post, I suspected the person was being sarcastic. Clearly, I was right, based on their follow up.

I think I was pretty clear that there was a tradeoff for me, and that I'm not spoiling for a fight, or that I think people should be jealous. Why do you suppose you read in something that very clearly was not there?

[Anonymous]

I met the right person at the right time in my life and his life. DH wouldn't have dated me 5 years prior to us meeting. I was wild, had a great life and partied hard. When DH came along, I was ready to be in a serious relationship. I hit the DH jackpot, he is honest, thoughtful, sincere, connected to the marriage, smart, funny, great looking and self-made success. I pinch myself most days at how great he is and my life is with him.

With that said, marriage is a choice. I could have chosen poorly prior to meeting my DH, but didn't want to/wasn't ready to committ.

[Anonymous]

Starting from when I was 21, I was dating for marriage. The moment I knew something wouldn’t work out long term, I was out. On first dates, I would make very clear that I wanted to be married by 26 and kids by 30. The ones who ran away weren’t the right fit. You can tell a lot by reaction to that kind of information. When I met my now DH, I felt like I was compromising on somethings that maybe traits that I usually found attractive (for example, DH is not a magnetically charming guy), but I knew he would be an incredible father and always put his family first. That won out in the end in thinking long term traits that would be important, and I’m so glad I stuck it out through moments of doubt in the beginning.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The thread about ruining your life by picking poorly is triggering me today. I am also one of the women who, after 10 years in a hell-ish marriage, feels like she “picked poorly.”

I don’t like to feel sorry for myself and don’t like to blame others. As I watch the disappointment that is my marriage, I feel so sad and resentful.

Did your women who have great husbands and marriages get lucky? Or they were smarter than me and picked better?

I've come to a realization that people we envy aren't necessarily as lucky as they seem or at least not for the whole length. Everyone gets their share of ups and downs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Pp again. My previous jerk bf was probably better looking and more successful at the time but DH aged really well and now earns a seven figure income now. I think I lucked out on Dh being very successful.

How did you luck into someone making that kind of money? What does he do??

DP. Biglaw (big 4 accounting & MBB consulting partners too), specialized surgeons, hedge fund principals, F500 CEOs, successful tv/film actors, professional ball players etc make that.

But buyer beware. Those jobs demand 60+ hour weeks & travel. Make sure you actually want to marry that.

yes 60 plus and the plus can be a lot more. But why would anyone not want to marry that? Real question. You want to marry some guy who likes fourth place? What woman would do that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Being really real with you, given the anonymity of this board? Marrying well was my #1 focus from the age of 20 or so on. Every relationship, I was thinking about marriage. I dumped any guy who was squishy on marrying young. Also any guy who didn’t share my vision for a successful life (yes, including high paying careers). I didn’t spend my 20s going out. I was neurotic about my “body count” because I was worried about scaring off potential husbands. I picked my grad school program because I thought it would give me the best dating options out of the programs I was admitted to (and I was right). I met my husband in grad school and we were married the day after graduation, both mid-late 20s.

I don’t say this all to be smug. Even though it worked out for me, and I have a great husband, there’s no doubt it came at a cost, and I do feel a little sad my 20s didn’t include more adventure and fun.

That's very strange.

If you look at it like the most important transaction of your life -- no I do not think it is odd. That's how much work should be put into it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Pp again. My previous jerk bf was probably better looking and more successful at the time but DH aged really well and now earns a seven figure income now. I think I lucked out on Dh being very successful.

How did you luck into someone making that kind of money? What does he do??

DP. Biglaw (big 4 accounting & MBB consulting partners too), specialized surgeons, hedge fund principals, F500 CEOs, successful tv/film actors, professional ball players etc make that.

But buyer beware. Those jobs demand 60+ hour weeks & travel. Make sure you actually want to marry that.

yes 60 plus and the plus can be a lot more. But why would anyone not want to marry that? Real question. You want to marry some guy who likes fourth place? What woman would do that?

Are you serious? For one, you’ll never see them. They’ll likely be an absentee parent & spouse, and will probably have affairs while they’re traveling. They’ll be stressed & probably dabble in drugs & alcohol. High chance they’ll leave you for someone young.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Pp again. My previous jerk bf was probably better looking and more successful at the time but DH aged really well and now earns a seven figure income now. I think I lucked out on Dh being very successful.

How did you luck into someone making that kind of money? What does he do??

DP. Biglaw (big 4 accounting & MBB consulting partners too), specialized surgeons, hedge fund principals, F500 CEOs, successful tv/film actors, professional ball players etc make that.

But buyer beware. Those jobs demand 60+ hour weeks & travel. Make sure you actually want to marry that.

yes 60 plus and the plus can be a lot more. But why would anyone not want to marry that? Real question. You want to marry some guy who likes fourth place? What woman would do that?

Money isn’t everything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Being really real with you, given the anonymity of this board? Marrying well was my #1 focus from the age of 20 or so on. Every relationship, I was thinking about marriage. I dumped any guy who was squishy on marrying young. Also any guy who didn’t share my vision for a successful life (yes, including high paying careers). I didn’t spend my 20s going out. I was neurotic about my “body count” because I was worried about scaring off potential husbands. I picked my grad school program because I thought it would give me the best dating options out of the programs I was admitted to (and I was right). I met my husband in grad school and we were married the day after graduation, both mid-late 20s.

I don’t say this all to be smug. Even though it worked out for me, and I have a great husband, there’s no doubt it came at a cost, and I do feel a little sad my 20s didn’t include more adventure and fun.

I wasn't as calculated as this, but yes I never once dated someone without thinking of marriage. I was not looking for a FWB or just a random guy to date and have fun with. Nope, they had to be marriage potential or I passed on them.

How or why do you think that is? Who put that in your mind as something that was a high priority? I say this as someone who didn’t want marriage to tie me down when I was young. I lucked into a great marriage. I know a good partner is important in life. But did you even know yourself at that point? Was it a parent or mother who instilled this in you?

Not PP but I would say it was pretty self directed. I wanted want my parents and grandparents all had: loving partnerships. I didn’t want to go through life without that.

[Anonymous]

NP here.
I have a happy marriage and DH is a wonderful husband and father. For me it was a combination of -
- Having great parents, happy childhood and adulthood and seeing example of a good marriage growing up.
- Having extremely supportive male figures in my life, namely, my two grandfathers, dad, uncles, brothers, my research advisor.
- Being very well educated and financially emancipated.
- Not caring if I ever married. My life was full and meaningful even as a single woman.
- Having a LOT of male friends, relatives and collegues. I learned something from each of them. I was however not in a relationship (or hooking up) with them. I just remained comfortable in any male dominated enviornment.
- Doing the work necessary (along with my DH) to make our marriage work. It is a choice sans abuse/adultry/addiction.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP here.
I have a happy marriage and DH is a wonderful husband and father. For me it was a combination of -
- Having great parents, happy childhood and adulthood and seeing example of a good marriage growing up.
- Having extremely supportive male figures in my life, namely, my two grandfathers, dad, uncles, brothers, my research advisor.
- Being very well educated and financially emancipated.
- Not caring if I ever married. My life was full and meaningful even as a single woman.
- Having a LOT of male friends, relatives and collegues. I learned something from each of them. I was however not in a relationship (or hooking up) with them. I just remained comfortable in any male dominated enviornment.
- Doing the work necessary (along with my DH) to make our marriage work. It is a choice sans abuse/adultry/addiction.

The bolded is never guaranteed, though. And it can go away, seemingly especially when men hit big life milestones like losing a parent or go through a midlife crisis.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The thread about ruining your life by picking poorly is triggering me today. I am also one of the women who, after 10 years in a hell-ish marriage, feels like she “picked poorly.”

I don’t like to feel sorry for myself and don’t like to blame others. As I watch the disappointment that is my marriage, I feel so sad and resentful.

Did your women who have great husbands and marriages get lucky? Or they were smarter than me and picked better?

I've come to a realization that people we envy aren't necessarily as lucky as they seem or at least not for the whole length. Everyone gets their share of ups and downs.

100% you have zero idea what someone else’s life is really like or the struggles behind closed doors. Nobody knows what goes on in a very long marriage behind closed doors.