Jealous of women who get “lucky” with marriage

[Anonymous]

I don’t like the lucky v. smart dichotomy. Some people were unlucky enough to not have had the education or tools to see red flags or to not settle. Some were unlucky enough to have families or religious communities to pressure them into an unwise marriage. Sure you can say that people who made unwise choices in their partners weren’t smart but what we call smart is often a result of luck.

[Anonymous]

I picked well. I prioritized character and moral compass when choosing a partner. He hasn't disappointed me in the 30 years we've been together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Most of the women I know with really terrific husbands have really great dads. Like I went to their weddings and thought "wow this guy is clearly so in love with them and stable and great" and then saw that their dad also clearly really loved them and was stable and great and went "oh".

I actually think I got lucky considering I have a pretty crappy dad. Self-centered, immature, often abusive. When he's paying attention to me, which is almost never, it's usually to be critical. And he has not been a good partner to my mom (who has her own issues, but was a better mom to me than he was a dad). My DH is an upgrade over all of this -- not abusive, much more mature, though can be pretty self-centered at times. But willing to work on it, whereas my dad has never been willing to work on any aspect of his personality.

I credit therapy, waiting to get married until I had worked through some of the issues from my bad childhood, and also the good fortune of living in a time when men like my dad are less able to get away with being so selfish (slightly less, at least). But yeah, I know women who have husbands who are so loving and kind and generous, but every one of those women has a dad who is the same. They were born lucky. I wasn't.

PP here. To add: I think women with really wonderful fathers grow up to believe they are worthy of a great partner. Like, truly worthy. I had to really work to feel that way, and even now I still struggle with it -- the idea that I am simply not good enough to earn someone's love is very deeply engrained in me. Having real faith in your own worthiness is such a gift.

Maybe equally important, they have mothers who can teach them what to look for to find this. There was a thread relating to this a few months ago.

[Anonymous]

There's definitely luck involved in picking a partner. However intelligent, discerning, and cool headed one is, one cannot predict life and how it might change people, be it mental health, physical health, family circumstances, life emergencies, etc.

So yeah, for everyone that says how hard they worked at their relationships, your work pays off, but it's not everything; you're still lucky.

[Anonymous]

For me, definitely a lot of luck. Met my husband when I was 21. Married 3 years later. I had no clue what marriage was all about or what being a good partner was or how important that would be when we had kids.

We both have changed a lot and have grown together, so maybe there is something about marrying young and being less set in certain ways. We also work hard on our marriage and are have lucked out financially (so no stress on that).

[Anonymous]

I met my husband in a bar when we were both really young. I gave him my number, he actually called. We started dating. That was all luck. Realizing that he was the one and committing even though we were young (and despite having other options at the time and kind of wanting to be single for longer) turned out to be the best decision I ever made. But the the last 20 years of making decisions together, moving in the same direction through life and choosing each other over and over is not luck. It's the day-to-day grind of marriage and sometimes it really pays off. Helping each other build careers while at times making big sacrifices to do so (those happened to become lucrative after a lot of work), giving each other grace (eg. not sweating the small stuff), supporting one another to keep in shape even when the kids and life got busy, prioritizing sex and seeing ourselves as a team --those things are earned and both partners need to put in the effort. Anyways, I guess what I'm saying is that based on my experience of a very happy, fulfilling marriage is that it starts out based on dumb luck but long-term success is based on years of tiny and big decisions that always put the relationship first.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I focused on my looks to be able to have a large pool to choose from. I went on over 100 first dates, of these only a dozen made it to date #2, and i had a couple of relationships lasting 6 months (guy had two other girls on the back burner) to a few years (nice guy but ultimately incompatible). Then I finally met my husband. It wasn’t immediate fireworks but a slow burn and he is amazing. I compromised on looks (I do find DH very attractive but one of my long term exes was literally a rock climbing model and that part was nice, not gonna lie). I did not compromise on anything else. I did all this very consciously but I have no doubt I also got very lucky. He is the most amazing dad, and husband.

Ahh yes, you're too fat and lazy response. Classic

[Anonymous]

In a word, no. I focus on my own journey and ignore the background noise. You are running your own race with your own husband, who you are committed to.

There is so much “score keeping” on this website and obviously in a lot of people’s lives: your looks, your HHI, your zip code, your marriage, and how “smart” you were to be able to accomplish XYZ.

In reality, we have so little control. Life is such a crap shoot. I think regarding marriage in particular so many people can’t even assess how THEIR OWN marriage is going. There are SO MANY women who post on this very forum how “blissful” their marriage was until year X when she discovered DH was cheating. Those women were literally “lucky” in their own minds one day and exceptionally unlucky the next day. They also missed whatever signals they were getting that there was trouble in paradise.

SIL is a gorgeous woman who married a wonderful man who loves her, but they suffered infertility and then he got MS and is slowly dying. You could have been jealous of her “luck” one day and feel horrible pity for her 5 years later. That is real life. There are so many struggles, and you don’t know about the struggles on the road ahead of you. Run your own race!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Most of the women I know with really terrific husbands have really great dads. Like I went to their weddings and thought "wow this guy is clearly so in love with them and stable and great" and then saw that their dad also clearly really loved them and was stable and great and went "oh".

I actually think I got lucky considering I have a pretty crappy dad. Self-centered, immature, often abusive. When he's paying attention to me, which is almost never, it's usually to be critical. And he has not been a good partner to my mom (who has her own issues, but was a better mom to me than he was a dad). My DH is an upgrade over all of this -- not abusive, much more mature, though can be pretty self-centered at times. But willing to work on it, whereas my dad has never been willing to work on any aspect of his personality.

I credit therapy, waiting to get married until I had worked through some of the issues from my bad childhood, and also the good fortune of living in a time when men like my dad are less able to get away with being so selfish (slightly less, at least). But yeah, I know women who have husbands who are so loving and kind and generous, but every one of those women has a dad who is the same. They were born lucky. I wasn't.

PP here. To add: I think women with really wonderful fathers grow up to believe they are worthy of a great partner. Like, truly worthy. I had to really work to feel that way, and even now I still struggle with it -- the idea that I am simply not good enough to earn someone's love is very deeply engrained in me. Having real faith in your own worthiness is such a gift.

Maybe equally important, they have mothers who can teach them what to look for to find this. There was a thread relating to this a few months ago.

There is some truth to this. I feel women from stable living families definitely marry better.

My friends who seem most insecure are the ones who did not receive love from their fathers. The ones who are the worst are the ones whose moms were single, divorced and remarried who are very focused on looks.

[Anonymous]

Great marriage and great husband here.

It's definitely a mix of luck and good picking.

I will never again be as lucky as I was in meeting my husband. He is wonderful and amazing AND he loves me too! The luck part cannot be discounted. Huge.

On the other hand - we didn't meet until I was 31. I dated a lot, learned a lot about myself and what I wanted, made the hard decision to break off a roller coaster relationship AND one that was almost right... but not quite. Risking, of course, that I'd never be able to find someone else and get married and have the kids that I so desperately wanted. I kept going through online dating even when it was so, so demoralizing. I was single for years and years.

I also was brutal in my screening process. I knew what I wanted (equal partner spouse, good values, wanted to raise kids in the city, would be a good dad, fun, cute, solid chemistry, open and honest) and what was less valuable to me (super hot, height, income, mind-blowing sex (overrated, IMHO), sophistication, ambition).

These lists are not universal. You have to be honest with yourself about what makes you happy and what you want your future to look like. There's also the luck of being in the position to be able to do that - I grew up in a supportive environment, decent mental health, good self esteem).

So yeah. Maybe 50% luck, 30% picking well, 20% effort?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Great marriage and great husband here.

It's definitely a mix of luck and good picking.

I will never again be as lucky as I was in meeting my husband. He is wonderful and amazing AND he loves me too! The luck part cannot be discounted. Huge.

On the other hand - we didn't meet until I was 31. I dated a lot, learned a lot about myself and what I wanted, made the hard decision to break off a roller coaster relationship AND one that was almost right... but not quite. Risking, of course, that I'd never be able to find someone else and get married and have the kids that I so desperately wanted. I kept going through online dating even when it was so, so demoralizing. I was single for years and years.

I also was brutal in my screening process. I knew what I wanted (equal partner spouse, good values, wanted to raise kids in the city, would be a good dad, fun, cute, solid chemistry, open and honest) and what was less valuable to me (super hot, height, income, mind-blowing sex (overrated, IMHO), sophistication, ambition).

These lists are not universal. You have to be honest with yourself about what makes you happy and what you want your future to look like. There's also the luck of being in the position to be able to do that - I grew up in a supportive environment, decent mental health, good self esteem).

So yeah. Maybe 50% luck, 30% picking well, 20% effort?

PP here - I just read the rest of this thread - my parents are (amicably) divorced, joint custody, mom remarried, and both my dad and my stepdad are amazing people and wonderful, involved, and loving fathers (and in the case of my stepdad, a great husband. Not so much my dad, lol). So there's that luck, too.

[Anonymous]

My first husband was a decent guy, but immature, irresponsible, emotionally stunted, and a college dropout who had a stable but not high paying career. We had an amicable divorce when I realized that we had grown apart, and I spent a few years alone trying to figure out who I was. I went to a lot of therapy and learned what a healthy relationship looks like (I didn’t come from a great family) and how to value myself. After a few years of self improvement, which included finding success in my career, taking care of my health, and nurturing my hobbies and friendships, I met my current husband. He is an amazing person - good looking, kind, loving, funny, incredibly smart and successful. Part of it was luck, part of it was becoming the kind of person I wanted to be with; if you want someone who is emotionally mature, financially successful, takes care of themselves physically, and a fun person to be around, you should be all of those things as well! I don’t think I would have gotten there if I hadn’t spent a lot of time working on myself first.

[Anonymous]

After a brief but horrible "starter marriage" in my twenties, I was significantly more methodical the second time around. I kind of looked for his opposite, actually. I only dated men with advanced degrees who were punctual, clean, organized, have high executive functioning skills, high integrity, practiced some form of religion and wanted kids. I had a strong preference for men with at least some similar interests (for me, athletic, likes to be outdoors). I led with my looks even though I have a lot more to offer. I did care about their looks other than they had to be fit and athletic. I still married someone attractive in the end, but it was just a bonus and not a factor.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Most of the women I know with really terrific husbands have really great dads. Like I went to their weddings and thought "wow this guy is clearly so in love with them and stable and great" and then saw that their dad also clearly really loved them and was stable and great and went "oh".

I actually think I got lucky considering I have a pretty crappy dad. Self-centered, immature, often abusive. When he's paying attention to me, which is almost never, it's usually to be critical. And he has not been a good partner to my mom (who has her own issues, but was a better mom to me than he was a dad). My DH is an upgrade over all of this -- not abusive, much more mature, though can be pretty self-centered at times. But willing to work on it, whereas my dad has never been willing to work on any aspect of his personality.

I credit therapy, waiting to get married until I had worked through some of the issues from my bad childhood, and also the good fortune of living in a time when men like my dad are less able to get away with being so selfish (slightly less, at least). But yeah, I know women who have husbands who are so loving and kind and generous, but every one of those women has a dad who is the same. They were born lucky. I wasn't.

PP here. To add: I think women with really wonderful fathers grow up to believe they are worthy of a great partner. Like, truly worthy. I had to really work to feel that way, and even now I still struggle with it -- the idea that I am simply not good enough to earn someone's love is very deeply engrained in me. Having real faith in your own worthiness is such a gift.

NP here. As a woman who definitely married poorly and who shares 3 daughters with the a$$, how can I make up for the fact that their father is an abusive narcissist that tears them down instead of building them up? He's incredibly toxic and really shouldn't have access to them, but thanks to the crappy family court system they have to deal with his BS 50% of the time without me to run interference.

[Anonymous]

Funny that so many women are saying their looks were the primary factor in attracting their husband.