Jealous of women who get “lucky” with marriage

[Anonymous]

The thread about ruining your life by picking poorly is triggering me today. I am also one of the women who, after 10 years in a hell-ish marriage, feels like she “picked poorly.”

I don’t like to feel sorry for myself and don’t like to blame others. As I watch the disappointment that is my marriage, I feel so sad and resentful.

Did your women who have great husbands and marriages get lucky? Or they were smarter than me and picked better?

[Anonymous]

I think it is a bit of both. I was pretty lucky, but also married later and we knew each other for 7 years.

[Anonymous]

It is rarely one-sided. I’m married to a great guy but we work our asses off at having a good marriage and let a LOT of crap go.

[Anonymous]

I focused on my looks to be able to have a large pool to choose from. I went on over 100 first dates, of these only a dozen made it to date #2, and i had a couple of relationships lasting 6 months (guy had two other girls on the back burner) to a few years (nice guy but ultimately incompatible). Then I finally met my husband. It wasn’t immediate fireworks but a slow burn and he is amazing. I compromised on looks (I do find DH very attractive but one of my long term exes was literally a rock climbing model and that part was nice, not gonna lie). I did not compromise on anything else. I did all this very consciously but I have no doubt I also got very lucky. He is the most amazing dad, and husband.

[Anonymous]

DH and I are closely aligned on some things I didn't think about when we married, like politics, that matter to me now. That part is luck. Other parts are choices, either before or during marriage. We have each changed in reaction to each other.

On the other hand there are weaknesses in our marriage that you might not see from the outside, so don't be too jealous.

[Anonymous]

I was definitely lucky. However, I was smart and kind and met Dh when I was in grad school. I had a lot of options and married someone who treated me the best. I dated and loved kind of a selfish jerk before DH. If I married that guy, I would definitely be divorced .

[Anonymous]

Most of the women I know with really terrific husbands have really great dads. Like I went to their weddings and thought "wow this guy is clearly so in love with them and stable and great" and then saw that their dad also clearly really loved them and was stable and great and went "oh".

I actually think I got lucky considering I have a pretty crappy dad. Self-centered, immature, often abusive. When he's paying attention to me, which is almost never, it's usually to be critical. And he has not been a good partner to my mom (who has her own issues, but was a better mom to me than he was a dad). My DH is an upgrade over all of this -- not abusive, much more mature, though can be pretty self-centered at times. But willing to work on it, whereas my dad has never been willing to work on any aspect of his personality.

I credit therapy, waiting to get married until I had worked through some of the issues from my bad childhood, and also the good fortune of living in a time when men like my dad are less able to get away with being so selfish (slightly less, at least). But yeah, I know women who have husbands who are so loving and kind and generous, but every one of those women has a dad who is the same. They were born lucky. I wasn't.

[Anonymous]

Pp again. My previous jerk bf was probably better looking and more successful at the time but DH aged really well and now earns a seven figure income now. I think I lucked out on Dh being very successful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Pp again. My previous jerk bf was probably better looking and more successful at the time but DH aged really well and now earns a seven figure income now. I think I lucked out on Dh being very successful.

How did you luck into someone making that kind of money? What does he do??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Most of the women I know with really terrific husbands have really great dads. Like I went to their weddings and thought "wow this guy is clearly so in love with them and stable and great" and then saw that their dad also clearly really loved them and was stable and great and went "oh".

I actually think I got lucky considering I have a pretty crappy dad. Self-centered, immature, often abusive. When he's paying attention to me, which is almost never, it's usually to be critical. And he has not been a good partner to my mom (who has her own issues, but was a better mom to me than he was a dad). My DH is an upgrade over all of this -- not abusive, much more mature, though can be pretty self-centered at times. But willing to work on it, whereas my dad has never been willing to work on any aspect of his personality.

I credit therapy, waiting to get married until I had worked through some of the issues from my bad childhood, and also the good fortune of living in a time when men like my dad are less able to get away with being so selfish (slightly less, at least). But yeah, I know women who have husbands who are so loving and kind and generous, but every one of those women has a dad who is the same. They were born lucky. I wasn't.

PP here. To add: I think women with really wonderful fathers grow up to believe they are worthy of a great partner. Like, truly worthy. I had to really work to feel that way, and even now I still struggle with it -- the idea that I am simply not good enough to earn someone's love is very deeply engrained in me. Having real faith in your own worthiness is such a gift.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Pp again. My previous jerk bf was probably better looking and more successful at the time but DH aged really well and now earns a seven figure income now. I think I lucked out on Dh being very successful.

How did you luck into someone making that kind of money? What does he do??

DP. Biglaw (big 4 accounting & MBB consulting partners too), specialized surgeons, hedge fund principals, F500 CEOs, successful tv/film actors, professional ball players etc make that.

But buyer beware. Those jobs demand 60+ hour weeks & travel. Make sure you actually want to marry that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Most of the women I know with really terrific husbands have really great dads. Like I went to their weddings and thought "wow this guy is clearly so in love with them and stable and great" and then saw that their dad also clearly really loved them and was stable and great and went "oh".

I actually think I got lucky considering I have a pretty crappy dad. Self-centered, immature, often abusive. When he's paying attention to me, which is almost never, it's usually to be critical. And he has not been a good partner to my mom (who has her own issues, but was a better mom to me than he was a dad). My DH is an upgrade over all of this -- not abusive, much more mature, though can be pretty self-centered at times. But willing to work on it, whereas my dad has never been willing to work on any aspect of his personality.

I credit therapy, waiting to get married until I had worked through some of the issues from my bad childhood, and also the good fortune of living in a time when men like my dad are less able to get away with being so selfish (slightly less, at least). But yeah, I know women who have husbands who are so loving and kind and generous, but every one of those women has a dad who is the same. They were born lucky. I wasn't.

PP here. To add: I think women with really wonderful fathers grow up to believe they are worthy of a great partner. Like, truly worthy. I had to really work to feel that way, and even now I still struggle with it -- the idea that I am simply not good enough to earn someone's love is very deeply engrained in me. Having real faith in your own worthiness is such a gift.

I had a crappy father but did have a strong sense of my own worth. I held out for what I wanted in a marriage partner and we have a good marriage. He is kind, willing to work on our marriage, and makes me laugh.

But I’ll add in that some stuff is just luck - DH makes a lot more money that I ever expected (we married when he was 42 so it’s not like we met super young) and that means that finances are not a stressor.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Pp again. My previous jerk bf was probably better looking and more successful at the time but DH aged really well and now earns a seven figure income now. I think I lucked out on Dh being very successful.

How did you luck into someone making that kind of money? What does he do??

DP. Biglaw (big 4 accounting & MBB consulting partners too), specialized surgeons, hedge fund principals, F500 CEOs, successful tv/film actors, professional ball players etc make that.

But buyer beware. Those jobs demand 60+ hour weeks & travel. Make sure you actually want to marry that.

Pp here. Yes, DH is in one of the fields listed. DH is super specialized in a high demand field. He is trustworthy and just a good guy. Everyone loves DH. He would probably do well in politics.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I focused on my looks to be able to have a large pool to choose from. I went on over 100 first dates, of these only a dozen made it to date #2, and i had a couple of relationships lasting 6 months (guy had two other girls on the back burner) to a few years (nice guy but ultimately incompatible). Then I finally met my husband. It wasn’t immediate fireworks but a slow burn and he is amazing. I compromised on looks (I do find DH very attractive but one of my long term exes was literally a rock climbing model and that part was nice, not gonna lie). I did not compromise on anything else. I did all this very consciously but I have no doubt I also got very lucky. He is the most amazing dad, and husband.

Seems weird to me that you would compromise on looks. Weren't you worried about how future kids would look?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Most of the women I know with really terrific husbands have really great dads. Like I went to their weddings and thought "wow this guy is clearly so in love with them and stable and great" and then saw that their dad also clearly really loved them and was stable and great and went "oh".

This is what I was thinking. DH is a great family-oriented guy, like my dad. And he has some other things in common with him: intelligent and intellectually curious, bookish, likes to cook, easygoing and low-maintenance. We naturally get along well, even though we come from totally different socioeconomic backgrounds and different cultures.