Feeling friendless and unlovable. I am always the initiator. I feel sad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I often feel similar OP, and I think you have to look at the people who show up for your invites but don’t reciprocate. If they are people who don’t seem to initiate anything, ever, with anyone - then decide if you enjoy their company enough to accept that they need someone to initiate in order to plan things.
If it’s clear from Facebook, Instagram, and sideline chit chat that they are all initiating and coordinating with other people, but not including you, then ask yourself if you like them enough to be on the B-list. I don’t automatically fade people who put me on their B list - sometimes those people are useful to me as connections or for car pool and I am happy to keep up the pretense of “friendship”.

As for the people who keep me on the B-list because I am just not popular enough, I have found 2 things that seem to help get more invites -
1. Be interesting. Get a hobby. Make friends other ways. Make a point to keep in touch with old coworkers and college friends - and then post about it or talk about it. Going and doing social things will help you be more interesting because it hones your social skills and gives you things to talk about. but posting a pic of happy hour or mentioning you’ll miss soccer next week for your girls trip is key. It makes you seem like a coveted and limited commodity. The more I publicly hang out with others, the more I see that B-list crowd remember to include me.
2. Put yourself in the right place at the right time for impromptu invites. Go to the PTA meetings in person, even if there is a virtual option. Volunteer when you can for school events - especially the set-up. Chat at practices and games, don’t sit by yourself and only talk to your spouse. Linger for a few minutes at the end of school events - don’t always be in a hurry to leave. That’s how you get the “hey, we’re going to ice cream after the game and you should join us” invite.

This seems tiring.

Man, you people get “tired” easily.

You seem not to understand: you don't like us and we don't to hang out. Problem solved.

[Anonymous]

OP, I totally see where you’re coming from and why you feel the way you do. It can feel unfair if you’re doing all the planning work and that’s not something you enjoy. (Or don’t enjoy enough relative to how much you do…)

But as others have said, there’s also a very positive way to spin your situation. I saw a study a few years back that said all networks of social connections tend to be shaped around just a few people who serve as the “hubs” and have a disproportionate number of connections. It sounds like you’re the hub for your friends and family, making the connections happen. As long as it doesn’t reach that level where you feel burned out and/or taken advantage of, it’s at least as likely that everyone appreciates you greatly as it is the opposite.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yeah, I know what you mean.

Do you have kids? I don't, and I think many women with kids a) are super busy and/or b) don't want to hang out with women without kids. They'd rather hang out with other moms.

I have kids and the only women I find interesting are those who don't. So maybe I am an anomaly but I'm sure there's more than one like me out there in the world.

This. Married thirty and forty something American women with kids are the most boring people on the planet.

Not OP. I hope this is the problem. I love traveling, going out, concerts etc. I get the impression no one around my age with kids wants to have any fun. They are interested in kids birthday parties on the weekend but that’s really it. I don’t know why it has to be like this. Doesn’t anyone want to have fun?

No, I swear all they do is go to kids’ soccer game and take a few curated trips with just their nuclear family each year. Other than that, they just stay home. And, of course, if you live like this, then you never have anything interesting to talk about, so it is just a whole lot of dull. The men tend to be a little better, but most are so cowed by their wives that they end up the same way. We thought it was DC, but then we moved to a new city and even sent our kids to a private school known to have a great social scene, and it is exactly the same! Geez, like you said, doesn’t anyone want to party anymore? And given that these are some of the most privileged people in the country, I am just not buying the “crazy busy” or tired excuse. Come on people!

I mean....why do you want to hang out with people like this? Instead of complaining about them, find some new friends with similar energy levels and interests.

+1
Op you need to find people with genuine shared interests AND energy levels

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Between dealing with my teenagers and work, I am so beat. I have a personality that would rather work out and then go to bed early so I have enough energy to deal with the next day. I love my friends but at this stage, I don't have spare energy to give.

Invite your friends to walk with you. You have 2 hours for coffee or lunch. It’s really not that hard.

It really is that hard for some of us with a lot of work and family commitments. Also guess what, when I do get a free evening or afternoon … sometimes I want to spend it by myself. Or with my husband. Or walking the dog without talking. Or scrolling DCUM in silence - like I am right now as I sit in the car during my 6th grader’s theater group practice. Or seeing some of my other 20 friends who I don’t see enough of. I am already in a place of feeling overcommitted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yeah, I know what you mean.

Do you have kids? I don't, and I think many women with kids a) are super busy and/or b) don't want to hang out with women without kids. They'd rather hang out with other moms.

I have kids and the only women I find interesting are those who don't. So maybe I am an anomaly but I'm sure there's more than one like me out there in the world.

This. Married thirty and forty something American women with kids are the most boring people on the planet.

Not OP. I hope this is the problem. I love traveling, going out, concerts etc. I get the impression no one around my age with kids wants to have any fun. They are interested in kids birthday parties on the weekend but that’s really it. I don’t know why it has to be like this. Doesn’t anyone want to have fun?

No, I swear all they do is go to kids’ soccer game and take a few curated trips with just their nuclear family each year. Other than that, they just stay home. And, of course, if you live like this, then you never have anything interesting to talk about, so it is just a whole lot of dull. The men tend to be a little better, but most are so cowed by their wives that they end up the same way. We thought it was DC, but then we moved to a new city and even sent our kids to a private school known to have a great social scene, and it is exactly the same! Geez, like you said, doesn’t anyone want to party anymore? And given that these are some of the most privileged people in the country, I am just not buying the “crazy busy” or tired excuse. Come on people!

I’m not White, but this is me! I partied a ton in my 20s and I’m happy to hang out at my kids’ soccer games and vacation with my family. Makes me happy now.

I’m not embarrassed by my lameness! Sorry you find it unappealing.

Haha I know I’m reading this thread like hmm why do I want to live like this? Has anyone considered that it’s because it makes us… happy? We all have different levels of need for different things. I don’t wonder why some of my friends want to do some things different than me, we’re all different. Sounds like pp would like a different level of excitement and adventure which cool- go for it! Doesn’t mean we’re all unhappy. I had plenty of adventure and tons of travel, living in different cities etc in my 20s. I genuinely am quite happy to live a quiet life enjoying my kids and husband and our close friends. For me the close relationships bring more fulfillment than late nights or bigger parties. Waking up hung over has really lost its spark.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yeah, I know what you mean.

Do you have kids? I don't, and I think many women with kids a) are super busy and/or b) don't want to hang out with women without kids. They'd rather hang out with other moms.

I have kids and the only women I find interesting are those who don't. So maybe I am an anomaly but I'm sure there's more than one like me out there in the world.

This. Married thirty and forty something American women with kids are the most boring people on the planet.

Not OP. I hope this is the problem. I love traveling, going out, concerts etc. I get the impression no one around my age with kids wants to have any fun. They are interested in kids birthday parties on the weekend but that’s really it. I don’t know why it has to be like this. Doesn’t anyone want to have fun?

No, I swear all they do is go to kids’ soccer game and take a few curated trips with just their nuclear family each year. Other than that, they just stay home. And, of course, if you live like this, then you never have anything interesting to talk about, so it is just a whole lot of dull. The men tend to be a little better, but most are so cowed by their wives that they end up the same way. We thought it was DC, but then we moved to a new city and even sent our kids to a private school known to have a great social scene, and it is exactly the same! Geez, like you said, doesn’t anyone want to party anymore? And given that these are some of the most privileged people in the country, I am just not buying the “crazy busy” or tired excuse. Come on people!

I’m not White, but this is me! I partied a ton in my 20s and I’m happy to hang out at my kids’ soccer games and vacation with my family. Makes me happy now.

I’m not embarrassed by my lameness! Sorry you find it unappealing.

Haha I know I’m reading this thread like hmm why do I want to live like this? Has anyone considered that it’s because it makes us… happy? We all have different levels of need for different things. I don’t wonder why some of my friends want to do some things different than me, we’re all different. Sounds like pp would like a different level of excitement and adventure which cool- go for it! Doesn’t mean we’re all unhappy. I had plenty of adventure and tons of travel, living in different cities etc in my 20s. I genuinely am quite happy to live a quiet life enjoying my kids and husband and our close friends. For me the close relationships bring more fulfillment than late nights or bigger parties. Waking up hung over has really lost its spark.

You don't have to be hungover to reciprocate friendship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yeah, I know what you mean.

Do you have kids? I don't, and I think many women with kids a) are super busy and/or b) don't want to hang out with women without kids. They'd rather hang out with other moms.

I have kids and the only women I find interesting are those who don't. So maybe I am an anomaly but I'm sure there's more than one like me out there in the world.

This. Married thirty and forty something American women with kids are the most boring people on the planet.

Not OP. I hope this is the problem. I love traveling, going out, concerts etc. I get the impression no one around my age with kids wants to have any fun. They are interested in kids birthday parties on the weekend but that’s really it. I don’t know why it has to be like this. Doesn’t anyone want to have fun?

No, I swear all they do is go to kids’ soccer game and take a few curated trips with just their nuclear family each year. Other than that, they just stay home. And, of course, if you live like this, then you never have anything interesting to talk about, so it is just a whole lot of dull. The men tend to be a little better, but most are so cowed by their wives that they end up the same way. We thought it was DC, but then we moved to a new city and even sent our kids to a private school known to have a great social scene, and it is exactly the same! Geez, like you said, doesn’t anyone want to party anymore? And given that these are some of the most privileged people in the country, I am just not buying the “crazy busy” or tired excuse. Come on people!

This is exactly what I’ve experienced in my suburb. I don’t understand why people want to live like this.

I think that they believe that this is society’s expectation of them. And then you keep living this way and you become less interesting and intellectually curious, so it is a vicious cycle. It is so weird. I grew up in the 70s and 80s, and my parents and their friends had a lot less money and conveniences than people today, and they had a really tight knit community with one another. They would get together all the time and drink, eat, party, joke and laugh. And we kids would all play together in the rec room. They had a blast! I don’t know what has happened to American society, but we have become so isolated from one another and there is no sense of community. There is a hyperfocus on just the nuclear family and people have become so clipped and reserved with others. People only care about themselves and their own children now and they rarely care about anyone else or reach out to them. I strongly believe that this is at the root of most of the serious societal problems we are experiencing today. No one looks out for each other like they used to.

I am not US born and raised (although my child hood was very similar to what you describe), and this is very interesting to me. On one hand, I am observing the things you are describing, but on the other hand, I think there is a real stigma in US about being an introvert. I suspect people are so wrung out by performing extraversion where required - work, kids' school and activities, etc. - that they don't have the bandwidth for what really brings them joy. If I had to attend a kids birthday party and/or manage playdates nearly every week for a few years, I probably wouldn't be up for adult activities either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yeah, I know what you mean.

Do you have kids? I don't, and I think many women with kids a) are super busy and/or b) don't want to hang out with women without kids. They'd rather hang out with other moms.

I have kids and the only women I find interesting are those who don't. So maybe I am an anomaly but I'm sure there's more than one like me out there in the world.

This. Married thirty and forty something American women with kids are the most boring people on the planet.

Not OP. I hope this is the problem. I love traveling, going out, concerts etc. I get the impression no one around my age with kids wants to have any fun. They are interested in kids birthday parties on the weekend but that’s really it. I don’t know why it has to be like this. Doesn’t anyone want to have fun?

No, I swear all they do is go to kids’ soccer game and take a few curated trips with just their nuclear family each year. Other than that, they just stay home. And, of course, if you live like this, then you never have anything interesting to talk about, so it is just a whole lot of dull. The men tend to be a little better, but most are so cowed by their wives that they end up the same way. We thought it was DC, but then we moved to a new city and even sent our kids to a private school known to have a great social scene, and it is exactly the same! Geez, like you said, doesn’t anyone want to party anymore? And given that these are some of the most privileged people in the country, I am just not buying the “crazy busy” or tired excuse. Come on people!

Interesting. What exactly do you think is 'interesting' to talk about? I'm truly wondering. Politics, the news??

[Anonymous]

I would post something on FB - like a quote about friendships or something. You’ll get your message across

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Between dealing with my teenagers and work, I am so beat. I have a personality that would rather work out and then go to bed early so I have enough energy to deal with the next day. I love my friends but at this stage, I don't have spare energy to give.

So how do you show that love? Genuinely curious.

New poster but I feel the same way as the previous poster. My mom and other older women have told me that many times friendships take a hiatus during this time but then pick up when you have more free time. As long as you are kind and respectful, it's OK to take a break from most social activities during this phase and then pick them up again later. Hopefully we all live long enough to weather different phases of life and should give each other grace.

[Anonymous]

I am like the friend who replied “me too” and then never followed up. In fact, I’m sure I have done that to friends. I would love to get together. But I am drowning with one teen’s mental health issues, a husband with health issues, a dying father, financial stress, work stress, and my other kid’s demanding schedule. It is not at all personal. There are simply some days where I am so tired I don’t know how I can make it another day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I often feel similar OP, and I think you have to look at the people who show up for your invites but don’t reciprocate. If they are people who don’t seem to initiate anything, ever, with anyone - then decide if you enjoy their company enough to accept that they need someone to initiate in order to plan things.
If it’s clear from Facebook, Instagram, and sideline chit chat that they are all initiating and coordinating with other people, but not including you, then ask yourself if you like them enough to be on the B-list. I don’t automatically fade people who put me on their B list - sometimes those people are useful to me as connections or for car pool and I am happy to keep up the pretense of “friendship”.

As for the people who keep me on the B-list because I am just not popular enough, I have found 2 things that seem to help get more invites -
1. Be interesting. Get a hobby. Make friends other ways. Make a point to keep in touch with old coworkers and college friends - and then post about it or talk about it. Going and doing social things will help you be more interesting because it hones your social skills and gives you things to talk about. but posting a pic of happy hour or mentioning you’ll miss soccer next week for your girls trip is key. It makes you seem like a coveted and limited commodity. The more I publicly hang out with others, the more I see that B-list crowd remember to include me.
2. Put yourself in the right place at the right time for impromptu invites. Go to the PTA meetings in person, even if there is a virtual option. Volunteer when you can for school events - especially the set-up. Chat at practices and games, don’t sit by yourself and only talk to your spouse. Linger for a few minutes at the end of school events - don’t always be in a hurry to leave. That’s how you get the “hey, we’re going to ice cream after the game and you should join us” invite.

This seems tiring.

Man, you people get “tired” easily.

Your suggestion was literally “adopt a new hobby to make yourself more interesting to people and attract more friends.” That’s a lot of work, especially for a working mom of young kids.

I’m all for hobbies, but you have to pursue them for yourself. If you do it just to meet people or seem more interesting, it might not be worth the effort.

[Anonymous]

Why can't you find a new friend or two? I met my now closest friend when she was around 40. We are extremely compatible.

And for the family stuff, assign it to someone else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am like the friend who replied “me too” and then never followed up. In fact, I’m sure I have done that to friends. I would love to get together. But I am drowning with one teen’s mental health issues, a husband with health issues, a dying father, financial stress, work stress, and my other kid’s demanding schedule. It is not at all personal. There are simply some days where I am so tired I don’t know how I can make it another day.

This, and I don’t even have as much going on. I’m just in a really bad place with my mental health, feeling stuck in life generally, and feel fairly overwhelmed with my moderately busy work and home life.

I will say yea to plans but I don’t organize them because I’m super low energy and because I can’t presently handle the rejection if people turn me down.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yeah, I know what you mean.

Do you have kids? I don't, and I think many women with kids a) are super busy and/or b) don't want to hang out with women without kids. They'd rather hang out with other moms.

I have kids and the only women I find interesting are those who don't. So maybe I am an anomaly but I'm sure there's more than one like me out there in the world.

This. Married thirty and forty something American women with kids are the most boring people on the planet.

Not OP. I hope this is the problem. I love traveling, going out, concerts etc. I get the impression no one around my age with kids wants to have any fun. They are interested in kids birthday parties on the weekend but that’s really it. I don’t know why it has to be like this. Doesn’t anyone want to have fun?

No, I swear all they do is go to kids’ soccer game and take a few curated trips with just their nuclear family each year. Other than that, they just stay home. And, of course, if you live like this, then you never have anything interesting to talk about, so it is just a whole lot of dull. The men tend to be a little better, but most are so cowed by their wives that they end up the same way. We thought it was DC, but then we moved to a new city and even sent our kids to a private school known to have a great social scene, and it is exactly the same! Geez, like you said, doesn’t anyone want to party anymore? And given that these are some of the most privileged people in the country, I am just not buying the “crazy busy” or tired excuse. Come on people!

This is exactly what I’ve experienced in my suburb. I don’t understand why people want to live like this.

I think that they believe that this is society’s expectation of them. And then you keep living this way and you become less interesting and intellectually curious, so it is a vicious cycle. It is so weird. I grew up in the 70s and 80s, and my parents and their friends had a lot less money and conveniences than people today, and they had a really tight knit community with one another. They would get together all the time and drink, eat, party, joke and laugh. And we kids would all play together in the rec room. They had a blast! I don’t know what has happened to American society, but we have become so isolated from one another and there is no sense of community. There is a hyperfocus on just the nuclear family and people have become so clipped and reserved with others. People only care about themselves and their own children now and they rarely care about anyone else or reach out to them. I strongly believe that this is at the root of most of the serious societal problems we are experiencing today. No one looks out for each other like they used to.

Was your parents social circle pretty stable, and did they all live relatively close to eachother? This area is so transient. I barely see my good friends from my 20s/early 30s, because they've either moved away entirely or further out. Same with DH's. When the social circle is suddenly spread to Manassas-Damascus-Silver spring-Annapolis, it's really hard to have these types of get togethers. I'd have to find an entire new friend group.