Feeling friendless and unlovable. I am always the initiator. I feel sad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Between dealing with my teenagers and work, I am so beat. I have a personality that would rather work out and then go to bed early so I have enough energy to deal with the next day. I love my friends but at this stage, I don't have spare energy to give.

So how do you show that love? Genuinely curious.

That is such a good question. I don't think I do, or at least not sufficiently to friends. I return texts and ask questions, remember details in my friends' lives, and ask about them. I even put stuff on the calendar so I will remember to text and ask about something important to them. I offer to call because it's way easier than meeting up, but for a generation that spent our teen lives on the phone, no one wants to talk on the phone anymore!

Do you have ideas on how I could show love to friends? I am really serious on feeling emotionally and energetically on the ground.

[Anonymous]

I recommend that if you enjoy hanging out with the friend and they do take you up on your initiation, don't get hung up on their passiveness.
And the next time you get together with the friend, bring up your feelings in a constructive way, give the other person a chance to understand you and explain.

If this does not work, then it is ok to drop the rope. Spend your efforts on people that fill your cup.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yeah, I know what you mean.

Do you have kids? I don't, and I think many women with kids a) are super busy and/or b) don't want to hang out with women without kids. They'd rather hang out with other moms.

I have kids and the only women I find interesting are those who don't. So maybe I am an anomaly but I'm sure there's more than one like me out there in the world.

Interesting you say this. Pre marriage and kids I had plenty of friends and an active social life. Now? Not so much. Deep down I’m not that interested in kids and find it easier to relate to people who don’t have kids. I don’t know what this says about me. Interesting you feel this way too and also struggle with friendships.

[Anonymous]

I'm with you OP--I often feel like I am always the planner. But people do show up when I initiate plans so I do think people like spending time with me, they are just really bad at making plans. Which to me sounds crazy--how hard is it to send a text with a time, date and place to meet--but for some people, they just aren't planners and they never will be. For them, it's so stressful to make plans that they would rather just stay home. People are different.

I will say that I have a few friends who will also initiate plans and those are the people who I will make an extra effort with because I know they will reciprocate. But I'm still going to make plans as long as others keep showing up.

[Anonymous]

OP, if people show up, you are not friendless and unlovable. You may have the role of "initiator" but someone has to do it.

[Anonymous]

So sorry OP! In my one friends group I'm also the only initiator. After I moved I've only had one of them initiate a text (and they needed something of course). I've stopped initiating. I was sad but I'm over it. New friends I've been making we seem to initiate rather equally. It's a nice change. They reach out if they haven't heard or seen me in a while (neighbors) to make sure we're okay. Totally didn't have that before.

It's crazy OP, but honestly it feels like it's just the DC way. People are busy, self absorbed, and don't want to spend their energy coordinating plans if someone else will do it.

[Anonymous]

I think the fact that you take other people's rudeness and lack of consideration and twist that into "something is wrong with me" is also kind of the problem. Why do you think this makes YOU unlovable, instead of assuming that other people are the ones with the problem.

This kind of Eeyore energy is very off-putting to lots of people, so maybe work on your self esteem. It's not always about you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Between dealing with my teenagers and work, I am so beat. I have a personality that would rather work out and then go to bed early so I have enough energy to deal with the next day. I love my friends but at this stage, I don't have spare energy to give.

Invite your friends to walk with you. You have 2 hours for coffee or lunch. It’s really not that hard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think the fact that you take other people's rudeness and lack of consideration and twist that into "something is wrong with me" is also kind of the problem. Why do you think this makes YOU unlovable, instead of assuming that other people are the ones with the problem.

This kind of Eeyore energy is very off-putting to lots of people, so maybe work on your self esteem. It's not always about you.

NP. That’s not fair. If you are always the initiator, it’s natural to wonder why people never reach out to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think the fact that you take other people's rudeness and lack of consideration and twist that into "something is wrong with me" is also kind of the problem. Why do you think this makes YOU unlovable, instead of assuming that other people are the ones with the problem.

This kind of Eeyore energy is very off-putting to lots of people, so maybe work on your self esteem. It's not always about you.

What a mean post.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Between dealing with my teenagers and work, I am so beat. I have a personality that would rather work out and then go to bed early so I have enough energy to deal with the next day. I love my friends but at this stage, I don't have spare energy to give.

So how do you show that love? Genuinely curious.

Really. Is it so hard to send people a text or make a quick phone call or meet for a drink. People have become so introverted and dull.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yeah, I know what you mean.

Do you have kids? I don't, and I think many women with kids a) are super busy and/or b) don't want to hang out with women without kids. They'd rather hang out with other moms.

I have kids and the only women I find interesting are those who don't. So maybe I am an anomaly but I'm sure there's more than one like me out there in the world.

This. Married thirty and forty something American women with kids are the most boring people on the planet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yeah, I know what you mean.

Do you have kids? I don't, and I think many women with kids a) are super busy and/or b) don't want to hang out with women without kids. They'd rather hang out with other moms.

I have kids and the only women I find interesting are those who don't. So maybe I am an anomaly but I'm sure there's more than one like me out there in the world.

This. Married thirty and forty something American women with kids are the most boring people on the planet.

Not OP. I hope this is the problem. I love traveling, going out, concerts etc. I get the impression no one around my age with kids wants to have any fun. They are interested in kids birthday parties on the weekend but that’s really it. I don’t know why it has to be like this. Doesn’t anyone want to have fun?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yeah, I know what you mean.

Do you have kids? I don't, and I think many women with kids a) are super busy and/or b) don't want to hang out with women without kids. They'd rather hang out with other moms.

I have kids and the only women I find interesting are those who don't. So maybe I am an anomaly but I'm sure there's more than one like me out there in the world.

This. Married thirty and forty something American women with kids are the most boring people on the planet.

Not OP. I hope this is the problem. I love traveling, going out, concerts etc. I get the impression no one around my age with kids wants to have any fun. They are interested in kids birthday parties on the weekend but that’s really it. I don’t know why it has to be like this. Doesn’t anyone want to have fun?

No, I swear all they do is go to kids’ soccer game and take a few curated trips with just their nuclear family each year. Other than that, they just stay home. And, of course, if you live like this, then you never have anything interesting to talk about, so it is just a whole lot of dull. The men tend to be a little better, but most are so cowed by their wives that they end up the same way. We thought it was DC, but then we moved to a new city and even sent our kids to a private school known to have a great social scene, and it is exactly the same! Geez, like you said, doesn’t anyone want to party anymore? And given that these are some of the most privileged people in the country, I am just not buying the “crazy busy” or tired excuse. Come on people!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yeah, I know what you mean.

Do you have kids? I don't, and I think many women with kids a) are super busy and/or b) don't want to hang out with women without kids. They'd rather hang out with other moms.

I have kids and the only women I find interesting are those who don't. So maybe I am an anomaly but I'm sure there's more than one like me out there in the world.

This. Married thirty and forty something American women with kids are the most boring people on the planet.

Not OP. I hope this is the problem. I love traveling, going out, concerts etc. I get the impression no one around my age with kids wants to have any fun. They are interested in kids birthday parties on the weekend but that’s really it. I don’t know why it has to be like this. Doesn’t anyone want to have fun?

No, I swear all they do is go to kids’ soccer game and take a few curated trips with just their nuclear family each year. Other than that, they just stay home. And, of course, if you live like this, then you never have anything interesting to talk about, so it is just a whole lot of dull. The men tend to be a little better, but most are so cowed by their wives that they end up the same way. We thought it was DC, but then we moved to a new city and even sent our kids to a private school known to have a great social scene, and it is exactly the same! Geez, like you said, doesn’t anyone want to party anymore? And given that these are some of the most privileged people in the country, I am just not buying the “crazy busy” or tired excuse. Come on people!

This is exactly what I’ve experienced in my suburb. I don’t understand why people want to live like this.