Feeling friendless and unlovable. I am always the initiator. I feel sad.

[Anonymous]

I feel like this in my groups. I don’t doubt my friendships but I sometimes get annoyed that I am always the one initiating plans and hosting. I have the time and resources. When I am quiet, friends do reach out after a month or so.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yeah, I know what you mean.

Do you have kids? I don't, and I think many women with kids a) are super busy and/or b) don't want to hang out with women without kids. They'd rather hang out with other moms.

I have kids and the only women I find interesting are those who don't. So maybe I am an anomaly but I'm sure there's more than one like me out there in the world.

This. Married thirty and forty something American women with kids are the most boring people on the planet.

Not OP. I hope this is the problem. I love traveling, going out, concerts etc. I get the impression no one around my age with kids wants to have any fun. They are interested in kids birthday parties on the weekend but that’s really it. I don’t know why it has to be like this. Doesn’t anyone want to have fun?

No, I swear all they do is go to kids’ soccer game and take a few curated trips with just their nuclear family each year. Other than that, they just stay home. And, of course, if you live like this, then you never have anything interesting to talk about, so it is just a whole lot of dull. The men tend to be a little better, but most are so cowed by their wives that they end up the same way. We thought it was DC, but then we moved to a new city and even sent our kids to a private school known to have a great social scene, and it is exactly the same! Geez, like you said, doesn’t anyone want to party anymore? And given that these are some of the most privileged people in the country, I am just not buying the “crazy busy” or tired excuse. Come on people!

This is exactly what I’ve experienced in my suburb. I don’t understand why people want to live like this.

I think that they believe that this is society’s expectation of them. And then you keep living this way and you become less interesting and intellectually curious, so it is a vicious cycle. It is so weird. I grew up in the 70s and 80s, and my parents and their friends had a lot less money and conveniences than people today, and they had a really tight knit community with one another. They would get together all the time and drink, eat, party, joke and laugh. And we kids would all play together in the rec room. They had a blast! I don’t know what has happened to American society, but we have become so isolated from one another and there is no sense of community. There is a hyperfocus on just the nuclear family and people have become so clipped and reserved with others. People only care about themselves and their own children now and they rarely care about anyone else or reach out to them. I strongly believe that this is at the root of most of the serious societal problems we are experiencing today. No one looks out for each other like they used to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yeah, I know what you mean.

Do you have kids? I don't, and I think many women with kids a) are super busy and/or b) don't want to hang out with women without kids. They'd rather hang out with other moms.

I have kids and the only women I find interesting are those who don't. So maybe I am an anomaly but I'm sure there's more than one like me out there in the world.

This. Married thirty and forty something American women with kids are the most boring people on the planet.

Not OP. I hope this is the problem. I love traveling, going out, concerts etc. I get the impression no one around my age with kids wants to have any fun. They are interested in kids birthday parties on the weekend but that’s really it. I don’t know why it has to be like this. Doesn’t anyone want to have fun?

No, I swear all they do is go to kids’ soccer game and take a few curated trips with just their nuclear family each year. Other than that, they just stay home. And, of course, if you live like this, then you never have anything interesting to talk about, so it is just a whole lot of dull. The men tend to be a little better, but most are so cowed by their wives that they end up the same way. We thought it was DC, but then we moved to a new city and even sent our kids to a private school known to have a great social scene, and it is exactly the same! Geez, like you said, doesn’t anyone want to party anymore? And given that these are some of the most privileged people in the country, I am just not buying the “crazy busy” or tired excuse. Come on people!

This is exactly what I’ve experienced in my suburb. I don’t understand why people want to live like this.

I think that they believe that this is society’s expectation of them. And then you keep living this way and you become less interesting and intellectually curious, so it is a vicious cycle. It is so weird. I grew up in the 70s and 80s, and my parents and their friends had a lot less money and conveniences than people today, and they had a really tight knit community with one another. They would get together all the time and drink, eat, party, joke and laugh. And we kids would all play together in the rec room. They had a blast! I don’t know what has happened to American society, but we have become so isolated from one another and there is no sense of community. There is a hyperfocus on just the nuclear family and people have become so clipped and reserved with others. People only care about themselves and their own children now and they rarely care about anyone else or reach out to them. I strongly believe that this is at the root of most of the serious societal problems we are experiencing today. No one looks out for each other like they used to.

+1

ITA. NP here.

I would love to arrange a Meetup, but the Meetups I see are usually either 20's or 30's singles/couples with no kids, or extreme sports (relative to me, who likes to walk, for example), etc. Honestly, I would be happy with people who are fine with meeting for coffee or a drink, or something casual and fun. Once your kids' become older, the relationships with corresponding parents seem to dwindle. DOes anyone know where to look for groups? I have tried FB groups, to no avail.

[Anonymous]

If you always initiate and organize, AND people show up for these events or socialization thenn you are not friendless and unlovable.

Friendless and unlovable is when you initiate and people don't show up. Even then, sometimes it is just that you need new and kinder friends. Why are you hard on yourself?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am so tired of friendships and family relationships that feel unequal: of being the one who books the family's summer VRBO with barely a thanks, who arranges the birthday dinners for friends, who sends the text to the friend who's been quiet for a while ... with crickets on the other side.

I don't know what to do. I am 40 and can't completely find a whole new set of relationships. I just can only assume that I'm not that "worthy" or desirable to be around.

Just today, I reached out to a friend I hadn't seen in a while saying, Miss you! I'd love to get together soon. The friend replied, "Me too!" and then...nothing. Am I supposed to then arrange a meetup for the 100th time?

I just can't any longer. I apologize for posting this on DCUM. I just don't know what to do or where to begin (or end) with this.

I understand. I don't get the lack of reciprocity! I just think it's not you but it's them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am so tired of friendships and family relationships that feel unequal: of being the one who books the family's summer VRBO with barely a thanks, who arranges the birthday dinners for friends, who sends the text to the friend who's been quiet for a while ... with crickets on the other side.

I don't know what to do. I am 40 and can't completely find a whole new set of relationships. I just can only assume that I'm not that "worthy" or desirable to be around.

Just today, I reached out to a friend I hadn't seen in a while saying, Miss you! I'd love to get together soon. The friend replied, "Me too!" and then...nothing. Am I supposed to then arrange a meetup for the 100th time?

I just can't any longer. I apologize for posting this on DCUM. I just don't know what to do or where to begin (or end) with this.

I'll speak for myself, sometimes it's just not the best time to connect to go out as a mom now ( it can be all sorts of reasons that have nothing to do with you) and I've also been on the flip side where I've gotten lip service but no follow up. I would say that maybe keep looking until you find more of an equal match?

[Anonymous]

OP it sounds like you have people who like you, but they are counting on you to do the planning. I know it takes a lot of time + energy, so maybe try to shift your thinking and consider that you are providing an important gift of community. We need more people like you in this mean/ impersonal world. God love you!

[Anonymous]

I often feel similar OP, and I think you have to look at the people who show up for your invites but don’t reciprocate. If they are people who don’t seem to initiate anything, ever, with anyone - then decide if you enjoy their company enough to accept that they need someone to initiate in order to plan things.
If it’s clear from Facebook, Instagram, and sideline chit chat that they are all initiating and coordinating with other people, but not including you, then ask yourself if you like them enough to be on the B-list. I don’t automatically fade people who put me on their B list - sometimes those people are useful to me as connections or for car pool and I am happy to keep up the pretense of “friendship”.

As for the people who keep me on the B-list because I am just not popular enough, I have found 2 things that seem to help get more invites -
1. Be interesting. Get a hobby. Make friends other ways. Make a point to keep in touch with old coworkers and college friends - and then post about it or talk about it. Going and doing social things will help you be more interesting because it hones your social skills and gives you things to talk about. but posting a pic of happy hour or mentioning you’ll miss soccer next week for your girls trip is key. It makes you seem like a coveted and limited commodity. The more I publicly hang out with others, the more I see that B-list crowd remember to include me.
2. Put yourself in the right place at the right time for impromptu invites. Go to the PTA meetings in person, even if there is a virtual option. Volunteer when you can for school events - especially the set-up. Chat at practices and games, don’t sit by yourself and only talk to your spouse. Linger for a few minutes at the end of school events - don’t always be in a hurry to leave. That’s how you get the “hey, we’re going to ice cream after the game and you should join us” invite.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yeah, I know what you mean.

Do you have kids? I don't, and I think many women with kids a) are super busy and/or b) don't want to hang out with women without kids. They'd rather hang out with other moms.

I have kids and the only women I find interesting are those who don't. So maybe I am an anomaly but I'm sure there's more than one like me out there in the world.

This. Married thirty and forty something American women with kids are the most boring people on the planet.

Not OP. I hope this is the problem. I love traveling, going out, concerts etc. I get the impression no one around my age with kids wants to have any fun. They are interested in kids birthday parties on the weekend but that’s really it. I don’t know why it has to be like this. Doesn’t anyone want to have fun?

No, I swear all they do is go to kids’ soccer game and take a few curated trips with just their nuclear family each year. Other than that, they just stay home. And, of course, if you live like this, then you never have anything interesting to talk about, so it is just a whole lot of dull. The men tend to be a little better, but most are so cowed by their wives that they end up the same way. We thought it was DC, but then we moved to a new city and even sent our kids to a private school known to have a great social scene, and it is exactly the same! Geez, like you said, doesn’t anyone want to party anymore? And given that these are some of the most privileged people in the country, I am just not buying the “crazy busy” or tired excuse. Come on people!

This is exactly what I’ve experienced in my suburb. I don’t understand why people want to live like this.

New poster
But what else is out there? There are so few people who are genuinely interesting AND open to new friendships
Isn’t it better to just go to work, spend time with family, spend money on high quality experiences, and be perfectly happy?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yeah, I know what you mean.

Do you have kids? I don't, and I think many women with kids a) are super busy and/or b) don't want to hang out with women without kids. They'd rather hang out with other moms.

I have kids and the only women I find interesting are those who don't. So maybe I am an anomaly but I'm sure there's more than one like me out there in the world.

I am surprised they reciprocate you

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the fact that you take other people's rudeness and lack of consideration and twist that into "something is wrong with me" is also kind of the problem. Why do you think this makes YOU unlovable, instead of assuming that other people are the ones with the problem.

This kind of Eeyore energy is very off-putting to lots of people, so maybe work on your self esteem. It's not always about you.

What a mean post.

DP but there might be truth to it. Someone who goes out of their way expecting gratitude and super upset and self deprecating when not getting the right amount is indeed off putting

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the fact that you take other people's rudeness and lack of consideration and twist that into "something is wrong with me" is also kind of the problem. Why do you think this makes YOU unlovable, instead of assuming that other people are the ones with the problem.

This kind of Eeyore energy is very off-putting to lots of people, so maybe work on your self esteem. It's not always about you.

What a mean post.

DP but there might be truth to it. Someone who goes out of their way expecting gratitude and super upset and self deprecating when not getting the right amount is indeed off putting

DP here. I think the Eyore post was off putting, extreme, and inaccurate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yeah, I know what you mean.

Do you have kids? I don't, and I think many women with kids a) are super busy and/or b) don't want to hang out with women without kids. They'd rather hang out with other moms.

I have kids and the only women I find interesting are those who don't. So maybe I am an anomaly but I'm sure there's more than one like me out there in the world.

This. Married thirty and forty something American women with kids are the most boring people on the planet.

Not OP. I hope this is the problem. I love traveling, going out, concerts etc. I get the impression no one around my age with kids wants to have any fun. They are interested in kids birthday parties on the weekend but that’s really it. I don’t know why it has to be like this. Doesn’t anyone want to have fun?

No, I swear all they do is go to kids’ soccer game and take a few curated trips with just their nuclear family each year. Other than that, they just stay home. And, of course, if you live like this, then you never have anything interesting to talk about, so it is just a whole lot of dull. The men tend to be a little better, but most are so cowed by their wives that they end up the same way. We thought it was DC, but then we moved to a new city and even sent our kids to a private school known to have a great social scene, and it is exactly the same! Geez, like you said, doesn’t anyone want to party anymore? And given that these are some of the most privileged people in the country, I am just not buying the “crazy busy” or tired excuse. Come on people!

This is exactly what I’ve experienced in my suburb. I don’t understand why people want to live like this.

Because we are happy and modest? Oh noes!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yeah, I know what you mean.

Do you have kids? I don't, and I think many women with kids a) are super busy and/or b) don't want to hang out with women without kids. They'd rather hang out with other moms.

I have kids and the only women I find interesting are those who don't. So maybe I am an anomaly but I'm sure there's more than one like me out there in the world.

This. Married thirty and forty something American women with kids are the most boring people on the planet.

Not OP. I hope this is the problem. I love traveling, going out, concerts etc. I get the impression no one around my age with kids wants to have any fun. They are interested in kids birthday parties on the weekend but that’s really it. I don’t know why it has to be like this. Doesn’t anyone want to have fun?

No, I swear all they do is go to kids’ soccer game and take a few curated trips with just their nuclear family each year. Other than that, they just stay home. And, of course, if you live like this, then you never have anything interesting to talk about, so it is just a whole lot of dull. The men tend to be a little better, but most are so cowed by their wives that they end up the same way. We thought it was DC, but then we moved to a new city and even sent our kids to a private school known to have a great social scene, and it is exactly the same! Geez, like you said, doesn’t anyone want to party anymore? And given that these are some of the most privileged people in the country, I am just not buying the “crazy busy” or tired excuse. Come on people!

This is exactly what I’ve experienced in my suburb. I don’t understand why people want to live like this.

I think that they believe that this is society’s expectation of them. And then you keep living this way and you become less interesting and intellectually curious, so it is a vicious cycle. It is so weird. I grew up in the 70s and 80s, and my parents and their friends had a lot less money and conveniences than people today, and they had a really tight knit community with one another. They would get together all the time and drink, eat, party, joke and laugh. And we kids would all play together in the rec room. They had a blast! I don’t know what has happened to American society, but we have become so isolated from one another and there is no sense of community. There is a hyperfocus on just the nuclear family and people have become so clipped and reserved with others. People only care about themselves and their own children now and they rarely care about anyone else or reach out to them. I strongly believe that this is at the root of most of the serious societal problems we are experiencing today. No one looks out for each other like they used to.

DP. My hot take is that it’s because there are too many divisive topics now, and the society is so not homogenous that it’s hard to stick together since everyone is so different.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yeah, I know what you mean.

Do you have kids? I don't, and I think many women with kids a) are super busy and/or b) don't want to hang out with women without kids. They'd rather hang out with other moms.

I have kids and the only women I find interesting are those who don't. So maybe I am an anomaly but I'm sure there's more than one like me out there in the world.

This. Married thirty and forty something American women with kids are the most boring people on the planet.

Not OP. I hope this is the problem. I love traveling, going out, concerts etc. I get the impression no one around my age with kids wants to have any fun. They are interested in kids birthday parties on the weekend but that’s really it. I don’t know why it has to be like this. Doesn’t anyone want to have fun?

No, I swear all they do is go to kids’ soccer game and take a few curated trips with just their nuclear family each year. Other than that, they just stay home. And, of course, if you live like this, then you never have anything interesting to talk about, so it is just a whole lot of dull. The men tend to be a little better, but most are so cowed by their wives that they end up the same way. We thought it was DC, but then we moved to a new city and even sent our kids to a private school known to have a great social scene, and it is exactly the same! Geez, like you said, doesn’t anyone want to party anymore? And given that these are some of the most privileged people in the country, I am just not buying the “crazy busy” or tired excuse. Come on people!

This is exactly what I’ve experienced in my suburb. I don’t understand why people want to live like this.

Because we are happy and modest? Oh noes!

And smug and boring!