Feeling friendless and unlovable. I am always the initiator. I feel sad.

[Anonymous]

I am so tired of friendships and family relationships that feel unequal: of being the one who books the family's summer VRBO with barely a thanks, who arranges the birthday dinners for friends, who sends the text to the friend who's been quiet for a while ... with crickets on the other side.

I don't know what to do. I am 40 and can't completely find a whole new set of relationships. I just can only assume that I'm not that "worthy" or desirable to be around.

Just today, I reached out to a friend I hadn't seen in a while saying, Miss you! I'd love to get together soon. The friend replied, "Me too!" and then...nothing. Am I supposed to then arrange a meetup for the 100th time?

I just can't any longer. I apologize for posting this on DCUM. I just don't know what to do or where to begin (or end) with this.

[Anonymous]

I would love it if I had a friend like you. You’re a treasure and I’m sorry that the people in your life have left you feeling unappreciated!

[Anonymous]

Yeah, I know what you mean.

Do you have kids? I don't, and I think many women with kids a) are super busy and/or b) don't want to hang out with women without kids. They'd rather hang out with other moms.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yeah, I know what you mean.

Do you have kids? I don't, and I think many women with kids a) are super busy and/or b) don't want to hang out with women without kids. They'd rather hang out with other moms.

I do have kids and a DH.

[Anonymous]

I feel exactly the same way. I have dropped the rope on most the relationships I maintained and it was sad to realize none of them decided to pick it up. But that's life. I keep surface relationships with the adults that are involved in my life in some way but that's it. I just don't have it in me to keep trying to build relationships that aren't reciprocated. My bucket is empty.

[Anonymous]

OP, I often feel friendless and unlovable, but I'm rarely the initiator. I have really low self esteem and the main reason I don't initiate more often is that I assume people do not want to spend time with me. I do force myself to initiate sometimes, but then if people are not very receptive or don't seem to enjoy themselves, it will put me off it for a while. So I could be one of the people who you resent for making you the initiator. But the truth is that I recognize you initiate more and I feel guilty about it. I try to reciprocate but don't always feel good at it. I also have insecurities about my home (which is older and run down at an age when it feels like everyone else has a big new house) and my hosting skills and budget, and that makes me reluctant to reach out as much. I will say that I think I'm always very openly grateful to others when they initiate, and DH and I have a policy of saying yes to as many things as possible and offering to bring something, help pay, or contributing in some other way, since we know we do less on the actual initiating/hosting front.

One thing I will say is that perhaps you could identify the relationships where you find initiating feels worth it -- where those relationships feel equal when you are actually together, even if you are the person doing most of the arrangements. Do they express an interest in your life? Do they help with kids and meals or expect you to do everything? Etc.

And then I would drop the rope on the relationships that feel truly one sided. But maybe don't abandon the ones where the initiating is one-sided by the rest of the relationship is more equal. Some people simply are not planners, but that doesn't mean they don't bring anything to the table. Some people are great conversationalists, fantastic with kids, always remember what's going on in your life, etc. Don't overlook those contributions. Look at the relationship as a whole.

[Anonymous]

Is there a common thread in the people in your social circle? Do they tend to be introverts? Have passive personalities? At this point, they probably do expect you to handle the logistics because you always have. In fairness to the friend you recently contacted, I would assume that if someone said they’d like to get together soon that they were going to propose an outing. I have some friends who initiate contact with me and invite me to do things and I have other friendships where it’s all on me. That’s just how some people are. Also, covid really transformed some people who used to be more socially active into homebodies.

You don’t need to find a whole new circle of friends, but it wouldn’t hurt to add another one when you meet someone you really enjoy. You are a good friend and you deserve to have that returned by someone else. However, I am positive that you are not unloved.

[Anonymous]

I find myself chatting with friends online more and more and meeting in person less and less.
Made a group chat in a messenger plus individual chats with other friends and it’s going well.
We do spontaneously get together sometimes.
I would suggest you don’t organize anything you expect super gratitude for.
Besides I don’t even want a birthday dinner organized for me; maybe your vis a vis also didn’t really want it.
The general rule is to stop trying so hard if you don’t feel appreciated! Not sulking about it but scaling back

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel exactly the same way. I have dropped the rope on most the relationships I maintained and it was sad to realize none of them decided to pick it up. But that's life. I keep surface relationships with the adults that are involved in my life in some way but that's it. I just don't have it in me to keep trying to build relationships that aren't reciprocated. My bucket is empty.

I’m sorry. I hope something changes for the better and your bucket is refilled.

[Anonymous]

I have a good friend that used to be fun to hang out with, but now she doesn't have anything interesting to talk about. It's just about her kids and her worries. I will still see her if she initiates, but it's harder to be motivated to reach out, because it's just not that compelling.

This may not be what's happening to you at all, but just wanted to share a different perspective.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I often feel friendless and unlovable, but I'm rarely the initiator. I have really low self esteem and the main reason I don't initiate more often is that I assume people do not want to spend time with me. I do force myself to initiate sometimes, but then if people are not very receptive or don't seem to enjoy themselves, it will put me off it for a while. So I could be one of the people who you resent for making you the initiator. But the truth is that I recognize you initiate more and I feel guilty about it. I try to reciprocate but don't always feel good at it. I also have insecurities about my home (which is older and run down at an age when it feels like everyone else has a big new house) and my hosting skills and budget, and that makes me reluctant to reach out as much. I will say that I think I'm always very openly grateful to others when they initiate, and DH and I have a policy of saying yes to as many things as possible and offering to bring something, help pay, or contributing in some other way, since we know we do less on the actual initiating/hosting front.

One thing I will say is that perhaps you could identify the relationships where you find initiating feels worth it -- where those relationships feel equal when you are actually together, even if you are the person doing most of the arrangements. Do they express an interest in your life? Do they help with kids and meals or expect you to do everything? Etc.

And then I would drop the rope on the relationships that feel truly one sided. But maybe don't abandon the ones where the initiating is one-sided by the rest of the relationship is more equal. Some people simply are not planners, but that doesn't mean they don't bring anything to the table. Some people are great conversationalists, fantastic with kids, always remember what's going on in your life, etc. Don't overlook those contributions. Look at the relationship as a whole.

I could have written this. I think it is more common than people realize. If you still care for people, reach out. Life is just too short.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am so tired of friendships and family relationships that feel unequal: of being the one who books the family's summer VRBO with barely a thanks, who arranges the birthday dinners for friends, who sends the text to the friend who's been quiet for a while ... with crickets on the other side.

I don't know what to do. I am 40 and can't completely find a whole new set of relationships. I just can only assume that I'm not that "worthy" or desirable to be around.

Just today, I reached out to a friend I hadn't seen in a while saying, Miss you! I'd love to get together soon. The friend replied, "Me too!" and then...nothing. Am I supposed to then arrange a meetup for the 100th time?

I just can't any longer. I apologize for posting this on DCUM. I just don't know what to do or where to begin (or end) with this.

I was like this as well - prepandemic … I must say I suspect you are building up more good will and trust than you realize ….

That said, why not just create openings for others to step up ?


And set things up in ways that require mutual buy ins - create a roster for family and friends to take the lead in organizing key events.

You are worthy and a treasure for your circles . But others need to do their part to make the social groups healthy spaces for give and take.

[Anonymous]

Between dealing with my teenagers and work, I am so beat. I have a personality that would rather work out and then go to bed early so I have enough energy to deal with the next day. I love my friends but at this stage, I don't have spare energy to give.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Between dealing with my teenagers and work, I am so beat. I have a personality that would rather work out and then go to bed early so I have enough energy to deal with the next day. I love my friends but at this stage, I don't have spare energy to give.

So how do you show that love? Genuinely curious.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yeah, I know what you mean.

Do you have kids? I don't, and I think many women with kids a) are super busy and/or b) don't want to hang out with women without kids. They'd rather hang out with other moms.

I have kids and the only women I find interesting are those who don't. So maybe I am an anomaly but I'm sure there's more than one like me out there in the world.