Feeling friendless and unlovable. I am always the initiator. I feel sad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am so tired of friendships and family relationships that feel unequal: of being the one who books the family's summer VRBO with barely a thanks, who arranges the birthday dinners for friends, who sends the text to the friend who's been quiet for a while ... with crickets on the other side.

I don't know what to do. I am 40 and can't completely find a whole new set of relationships. I just can only assume that I'm not that "worthy" or desirable to be around.

Just today, I reached out to a friend I hadn't seen in a while saying, Miss you! I'd love to get together soon. The friend replied, "Me too!" and then...nothing. Am I supposed to then arrange a meetup for the 100th time?

I just can't any longer. I apologize for posting this on DCUM. I just don't know what to do or where to begin (or end) with this.

I am in the same situation Op. I wish I had advice. I’ll go back and read what others have to say. My husband reminds me that I care too much and that people are different from me, so give them grace. Hugs Op.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would post something on FB - like a quote about friendships or something. You’ll get your message across

Please don’t do this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yeah, I know what you mean.

Do you have kids? I don't, and I think many women with kids a) are super busy and/or b) don't want to hang out with women without kids. They'd rather hang out with other moms.

I have kids and the only women I find interesting are those who don't. So maybe I am an anomaly but I'm sure there's more than one like me out there in the world.

This. Married thirty and forty something American women with kids are the most boring people on the planet.

Not OP. I hope this is the problem. I love traveling, going out, concerts etc. I get the impression no one around my age with kids wants to have any fun. They are interested in kids birthday parties on the weekend but that’s really it. I don’t know why it has to be like this. Doesn’t anyone want to have fun?

No, I swear all they do is go to kids’ soccer game and take a few curated trips with just their nuclear family each year. Other than that, they just stay home. And, of course, if you live like this, then you never have anything interesting to talk about, so it is just a whole lot of dull. The men tend to be a little better, but most are so cowed by their wives that they end up the same way. We thought it was DC, but then we moved to a new city and even sent our kids to a private school known to have a great social scene, and it is exactly the same! Geez, like you said, doesn’t anyone want to party anymore? And given that these are some of the most privileged people in the country, I am just not buying the “crazy busy” or tired excuse. Come on people!

This is exactly what I’ve experienced in my suburb. I don’t understand why people want to live like this.

I think that they believe that this is society’s expectation of them. And then you keep living this way and you become less interesting and intellectually curious, so it is a vicious cycle. It is so weird. I grew up in the 70s and 80s, and my parents and their friends had a lot less money and conveniences than people today, and they had a really tight knit community with one another. They would get together all the time and drink, eat, party, joke and laugh. And we kids would all play together in the rec room. They had a blast! I don’t know what has happened to American society, but we have become so isolated from one another and there is no sense of community. There is a hyperfocus on just the nuclear family and people have become so clipped and reserved with others. People only care about themselves and their own children now and they rarely care about anyone else or reach out to them. I strongly believe that this is at the root of most of the serious societal problems we are experiencing today. No one looks out for each other like they used to.

+10000

[Anonymous]

I feel the same, OP, and I am in my early 60s. What I have come to realize is that most people only expend energy on friendships with people that live relatively close to them or who they see regularly--proximity and convenience is a huge factor in relationships these days. As people move away or as we see less of them due to changes in the circumstances that brought us together (e.g., jobs, kids sporting events, book club, etc.) the friendships tend to fizzle. Also, most people in your age group are prioritizing their family time and don't always have the energy to put in to maintaining friendships with regular get-togethers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yeah, I know what you mean.

Do you have kids? I don't, and I think many women with kids a) are super busy and/or b) don't want to hang out with women without kids. They'd rather hang out with other moms.

I have kids and the only women I find interesting are those who don't. So maybe I am an anomaly but I'm sure there's more than one like me out there in the world.

This. Married thirty and forty something American women with kids are the most boring people on the planet.

Not OP. I hope this is the problem. I love traveling, going out, concerts etc. I get the impression no one around my age with kids wants to have any fun. They are interested in kids birthday parties on the weekend but that’s really it. I don’t know why it has to be like this. Doesn’t anyone want to have fun?

No, I swear all they do is go to kids’ soccer game and take a few curated trips with just their nuclear family each year. Other than that, they just stay home. And, of course, if you live like this, then you never have anything interesting to talk about, so it is just a whole lot of dull. The men tend to be a little better, but most are so cowed by their wives that they end up the same way. We thought it was DC, but then we moved to a new city and even sent our kids to a private school known to have a great social scene, and it is exactly the same! Geez, like you said, doesn’t anyone want to party anymore? And given that these are some of the most privileged people in the country, I am just not buying the “crazy busy” or tired excuse. Come on people!

This is exactly what I’ve experienced in my suburb. I don’t understand why people want to live like this.

I think that they believe that this is society’s expectation of them. And then you keep living this way and you become less interesting and intellectually curious, so it is a vicious cycle. It is so weird. I grew up in the 70s and 80s, and my parents and their friends had a lot less money and conveniences than people today, and they had a really tight knit community with one another. They would get together all the time and drink, eat, party, joke and laugh. And we kids would all play together in the rec room. They had a blast! I don’t know what has happened to American society, but we have become so isolated from one another and there is no sense of community. There is a hyperfocus on just the nuclear family and people have become so clipped and reserved with others. People only care about themselves and their own children now and they rarely care about anyone else or reach out to them. I strongly believe that this is at the root of most of the serious societal problems we are experiencing today. No one looks out for each other like they used to.

What do you think makes someone ‘intellectually curious’?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yeah, I know what you mean.

Do you have kids? I don't, and I think many women with kids a) are super busy and/or b) don't want to hang out with women without kids. They'd rather hang out with other moms.

I have kids and the only women I find interesting are those who don't. So maybe I am an anomaly but I'm sure there's more than one like me out there in the world.

No, that’s me too. I would have written the same! I love my childless friends, they’re cool!

[Anonymous]

OP mention this feeling to your friends! They may see you as the planner.

For example I let one of my friends completely plan everything because in the past, she has turned down my plans and redid them her way (didn’t like the restaurant I set up reservation at). She also get really angry if she has to come into DC, so I always drive at to NoVa. If she ever brought up feelings like yours I would explain it to her.

[Anonymous]

I think a lot of us are probably dealing with crappy marriages or at least strained 20+ year marriages. It's hard to be the "hostess with the mostness" when you regularly want to murder your cohost.
Just kidding but not really.
On that same note--many of us may want to be social but our spouse (generally male) may not. I know many husbands who have become more insular as they've aged.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think a lot of us are probably dealing with crappy marriages or at least strained 20+ year marriages. It's hard to be the "hostess with the mostness" when you regularly want to murder your cohost.
Just kidding but not really.
On that same note--many of us may want to be social but our spouse (generally male) may not. I know many husbands who have become more insular as they've aged.

You do know that you can socialize without your spouse, right?

[Anonymous]

I’m sorry, OP. It’s a painful feeling and exhausting to always initiate.

Is that dynamic new in these relationships or have you always been the one to initiate? I’m usually the one to initiate plans in many of my friendships, but they’re otherwise very reciprocal. One example that confuses me is planning birthday dinners for your friends; why is that expected of you? Or, why do you take that on? I plan my kids’ birthday parties and that’s it. Maybe for my BFF’s milestone her DH and I might plan something together, but in healthy friendships it’s not a reasonable expectation that one person plans the birthdays for the whole group. (I may be making too much of this example.)

I’ve thought a lot lately about being the initiator and frankly, go through periods when I’m tired of it. The thing is, you put yourself out there when you’re the one reaching out to people - and so many people don’t want to appear even slightly vulnerable (even while the need for human connection is hard-wired). And there are other people who don’t value close friendships, particularly not during the intensive child-rearing years; IME, these are the ones who have a lot of close, supportive family, so they feel that need less acutely.

I don’t know how to solve it, but you’re not alone. And I have three kids, work FT, get up early to work out - I still make time to text my friends, meet up for lunch or coffee or a walk, remember birthdays, etc. It’s possible, if you value it.

[Anonymous]

I have seen this issue quite a bit on this website so I am assuming this is a very common problem.

W/o knowing you personally OP, it is difficult for me to ascertain the reason.

My best advice is to just keep trying until you meet people worthy of all that you have to offer‼️😄

[Anonymous]

Seek out non-American friends. Americans are too reserved closed minded.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think a lot of us are probably dealing with crappy marriages or at least strained 20+ year marriages. It's hard to be the "hostess with the mostness" when you regularly want to murder your cohost.
Just kidding but not really.
On that same note--many of us may want to be social but our spouse (generally male) may not. I know many husbands who have become more insular as they've aged.

Yes. I've started just inviting the women out because all the men including my own husband are completely uninterested in making new friends. They can't even make small talk. All my friends say the same thing. Their husbands will only socialize with guys they've known since college.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am so tired of friendships and family relationships that feel unequal: of being the one who books the family's summer VRBO with barely a thanks, who arranges the birthday dinners for friends, who sends the text to the friend who's been quiet for a while ... with crickets on the other side.

I don't know what to do. I am 40 and can't completely find a whole new set of relationships. I just can only assume that I'm not that "worthy" or desirable to be around.

Just today, I reached out to a friend I hadn't seen in a while saying, Miss you! I'd love to get together soon. The friend replied, "Me too!" and then...nothing. Am I supposed to then arrange a meetup for the 100th time?

I just can't any longer. I apologize for posting this on DCUM. I just don't know what to do or where to begin (or end) with this.

I'm in the same boat. ALWAYS the initiator. It's so frustrating. I wish people reciprocated more and understood that, when you don't, how it makes other people feel.

I've stopped initiating with some people. I'm just tired of it. And some of those relationships have fallen away. And while I'm sad about that, they've also communicated where I am in terms of a priority for them. So, I also feel like a weight lifted, in some ways.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP mention this feeling to your friends! They may see you as the planner.

For example I let one of my friends completely plan everything because in the past, she has turned down my plans and redid them her way (didn’t like the restaurant I set up reservation at). She also get really angry if she has to come into DC, so I always drive at to NoVa. If she ever brought up feelings like yours I would explain it to her.

Nah. I feel like no one ever wants to hear when their actions make others feel bad, anymore. They always deflect, make excuses, or gaslight.