Why are old people so scared of assisted living facilities?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For memory care, I found an adult family home to be significantly better than the memory care unit of a CCRC. The memory care unit of the CCRC wasn't terrible, but the larger pool of caregivers and more institutional feel made it less pleasant than the adult family home.

How did you find one?

Every state has an Ombudsman's program and they usually have lists of licensed family homes as well as inspection reports - just like larger facilities.

IMO, this is an area which needs to be expanded/supported as I think it is MUCH better for people to be in a home-based environment with required care (typically less than 5 people per home) than being in a corporate-owned, institutionalized, profit-making facility. Sure, these are just ordinary homes without the fancy bells-and-whistles but the reality is the care is often better and more personalized than being one of hundreds in a large, "new" facility.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For memory care, I found an adult family home to be significantly better than the memory care unit of a CCRC. The memory care unit of the CCRC wasn't terrible, but the larger pool of caregivers and more institutional feel made it less pleasant than the adult family home.

How did you find one?

Every state has an Ombudsman's program and they usually have lists of licensed family homes as well as inspection reports - just like larger facilities.

IMO, this is an area which needs to be expanded/supported as I think it is MUCH better for people to be in a home-based environment with required care (typically less than 5 people per home) than being in a corporate-owned, institutionalized, profit-making facility. Sure, these are just ordinary homes without the fancy bells-and-whistles but the reality is the care is often better and more personalized than being one of hundreds in a large, "new" facility.

I'm aware of these homes for adults with developmental disabilities but have not heard about it for seniors.

[Anonymous]

I have only been to 2 types of such facilities: one was more like a 55+ community and I honestly couldn’t understand why my friend didn’t want to be there. She ended up moving in with one of her daughters and I am thinking she just wanted to be with family.
The other type was a nursing home for Medicaid patients, at least the woman I visited was there on Medicaid. The smell was depressing and she had to share a room so I completely understand why she didn’t want to be there. Her family didn’t want her either though or maybe they couldn’t keep her at home. Luckily for her she didn’t last longer than 2 years there.

[Anonymous]

Assisted Living facilities are terrible. They are wildly expensive, understaffed, and depressing. Most are operated as for-profit entities by private equity companies. They are in my mind a last resort option. I have personally seen this with both my parents at two different facilities. You are much better off staying at home with help for as long as possible. Keep in mind, before I had personal experience with them, I was actively encouraging my parents to move to them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Assisted Living facilities are terrible. They are wildly expensive, understaffed, and depressing. Most are operated as for-profit entities by private equity companies. They are in my mind a last resort option. I have personally seen this with both my parents at two different facilities. You are much better off staying at home with help for as long as possible. Keep in mind, before I had personal experience with them, I was actively encouraging my parents to move to them.

We found AL far superior to aging in place. You are ripe for abuse if at all challenging and alone with a caregiver. AL was like night and day once MIL adjusted. Much happier. Better meals. More companionship. lots of activities.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Consider this. We are all one accident or one debilitating illness away from long-term care ourselves.

If you have not spent time in a long-term care facility (whether it's assisted living or nursing home) then you may not be aware that there are people in them who are in their 20s, 30s and 40s. Some are vehicle accident victims who are paralyzed or brain damaged. Some developed an illness which impacted their mobility and ability for self-care.

What would YOU want in a case like this? If you are in your 40s and have an accident tomorrow which leaves you physically incapacitated (but mentally acute) what kind of care would you want as a human being?

That's the crux of the issue. It's not whether or not someone is old, young, nice, mean or oblivious. We as a country need to examine this issue and determine our way forward. How do we want to treat other human beings in this condition?

But because it is scary and makes people fearful, we simply are not having that conversation.

Not OP, but having spend almost a decade on eldercare ups downs, emergencies, tantrums, diasters, etc I would want to be in a facility. I would not do to my children or husband what has been done to me ever. I would want them to enjoy visits with me and not feel burned out.

Most of the people I know who were actively involved in challenging eldercare that went on for a long went to a CCRC because they didn't want to abuse their children that way and it worked out well. The elders who always had excuses to do less and weren't that involved or just lost a parent peacefully in sleep one day, are the ones who don't see the big deal about aging in place.

One of my kids has special needs. I think before we worry about our elders are treated we need to look at how hard it is from birth onward for parents of kids with special needs and we need to offer so many support services. Once we can care properly for our young children with disabilities and illnesses then we can worry about 96 year old elders not getting luxury care.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Consider this. We are all one accident or one debilitating illness away from long-term care ourselves.

If you have not spent time in a long-term care facility (whether it's assisted living or nursing home) then you may not be aware that there are people in them who are in their 20s, 30s and 40s. Some are vehicle accident victims who are paralyzed or brain damaged. Some developed an illness which impacted their mobility and ability for self-care.

What would YOU want in a case like this? If you are in your 40s and have an accident tomorrow which leaves you physically incapacitated (but mentally acute) what kind of care would you want as a human being?

That's the crux of the issue. It's not whether or not someone is old, young, nice, mean or oblivious. We as a country need to examine this issue and determine our way forward. How do we want to treat other human beings in this condition?

But because it is scary and makes people fearful, we simply are not having that conversation.

Not OP, but having spend almost a decade on eldercare ups downs, emergencies, tantrums, diasters, etc I would want to be in a facility. I would not do to my children or husband what has been done to me ever. I would want them to enjoy visits with me and not feel burned out.

Most of the people I know who were actively involved in challenging eldercare that went on for a long went to a CCRC because they didn't want to abuse their children that way and it worked out well. The elders who always had excuses to do less and weren't that involved or just lost a parent peacefully in sleep one day, are the ones who don't see the big deal about aging in place.

One of my kids has special needs. I think before we worry about our elders are treated we need to look at how hard it is from birth onward for parents of kids with special needs and we need to offer so many support services. Once we can care properly for our young children with disabilities and illnesses then we can worry about 96 year old elders not getting luxury care.

You're missing the point. We should be able to do both. And no one here is talking about luxury care for 96 year olds so you can stop with the hyperbole. Getting a urine-soaked diaper changed after 8 hours of sitting in it isn't exactly pampering, is it? At least it isn't in most people's minds.

We have special needs children in our family who are picked up by a special bus, taken to a program during the day where they are cared for, educated and socialized. They have case managers who have oversight and discuss resources and plans with the family. Why can't the same be done for elderly people?

Remember that special needs children grow up to be special needs adults. How do you want them to be cared for?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Consider this. We are all one accident or one debilitating illness away from long-term care ourselves.

If you have not spent time in a long-term care facility (whether it's assisted living or nursing home) then you may not be aware that there are people in them who are in their 20s, 30s and 40s. Some are vehicle accident victims who are paralyzed or brain damaged. Some developed an illness which impacted their mobility and ability for self-care.

What would YOU want in a case like this? If you are in your 40s and have an accident tomorrow which leaves you physically incapacitated (but mentally acute) what kind of care would you want as a human being?

That's the crux of the issue. It's not whether or not someone is old, young, nice, mean or oblivious. We as a country need to examine this issue and determine our way forward. How do we want to treat other human beings in this condition?

But because it is scary and makes people fearful, we simply are not having that conversation.

Not OP, but having spend almost a decade on eldercare ups downs, emergencies, tantrums, diasters, etc I would want to be in a facility. I would not do to my children or husband what has been done to me ever. I would want them to enjoy visits with me and not feel burned out.

Most of the people I know who were actively involved in challenging eldercare that went on for a long went to a CCRC because they didn't want to abuse their children that way and it worked out well. The elders who always had excuses to do less and weren't that involved or just lost a parent peacefully in sleep one day, are the ones who don't see the big deal about aging in place.

One of my kids has special needs. I think before we worry about our elders are treated we need to look at how hard it is from birth onward for parents of kids with special needs and we need to offer so many support services. Once we can care properly for our young children with disabilities and illnesses then we can worry about 96 year old elders not getting luxury care.

You're missing the point. We should be able to do both. And no one here is talking about luxury care for 96 year olds so you can stop with the hyperbole. Getting a urine-soaked diaper changed after 8 hours of sitting in it isn't exactly pampering, is it? At least it isn't in most people's minds.

We have special needs children in our family who are picked up by a special bus, taken to a program during the day where they are cared for, educated and socialized. They have case managers who have oversight and discuss resources and plans with the family. Why can't the same be done for elderly people?

Remember that special needs children grow up to be special needs adults. How do you want them to be cared for?

^ BTW you seem to be basing your opinion on your own situation which seems like it meant dealing with an abusive elder. That's understandable but it doesn't reflect every situation. There are many, many families who would be willing to be more involved with home-based or alternative care if they simply had the resources they needed.

There are others, like you, who are fine with being institutionalized. My only advice would be to make sure you have it in writing that your family puts you into one at the first signs of difficulty.

You could be one car accident away from a brain injury or other debilitating physical condition and despite your pleas to come home, ensure they feel no guilt when you are sent to a nursing home.

[Anonymous]

Follow-up to an earlier question about how to find an adult family home:

I searched for "senior care advisory service" or something like that on Yelp and Google and interviewed several. They are reimbursed by the home you ultimately choose. I'm not crazy about the compensation model, but the person I ended up with found a fantastic place for my mother so I am grateful to her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Follow-up to an earlier question about how to find an adult family home:

I searched for "senior care advisory service" or something like that on Yelp and Google and interviewed several. They are reimbursed by the home you ultimately choose. I'm not crazy about the compensation model, but the person I ended up with found a fantastic place for my mother so I am grateful to her.

State Ombudsman Office advice and information is free.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Consider this. We are all one accident or one debilitating illness away from long-term care ourselves.

If you have not spent time in a long-term care facility (whether it's assisted living or nursing home) then you may not be aware that there are people in them who are in their 20s, 30s and 40s. Some are vehicle accident victims who are paralyzed or brain damaged. Some developed an illness which impacted their mobility and ability for self-care.

What would YOU want in a case like this? If you are in your 40s and have an accident tomorrow which leaves you physically incapacitated (but mentally acute) what kind of care would you want as a human being?

That's the crux of the issue. It's not whether or not someone is old, young, nice, mean or oblivious. We as a country need to examine this issue and determine our way forward. How do we want to treat other human beings in this condition?

But because it is scary and makes people fearful, we simply are not having that conversation.

Not OP, but having spend almost a decade on eldercare ups downs, emergencies, tantrums, diasters, etc I would want to be in a facility. I would not do to my children or husband what has been done to me ever. I would want them to enjoy visits with me and not feel burned out.

Most of the people I know who were actively involved in challenging eldercare that went on for a long went to a CCRC because they didn't want to abuse their children that way and it worked out well. The elders who always had excuses to do less and weren't that involved or just lost a parent peacefully in sleep one day, are the ones who don't see the big deal about aging in place.

One of my kids has special needs. I think before we worry about our elders are treated we need to look at how hard it is from birth onward for parents of kids with special needs and we need to offer so many support services. Once we can care properly for our young children with disabilities and illnesses then we can worry about 96 year old elders not getting luxury care.

You're missing the point. We should be able to do both. And no one here is talking about luxury care for 96 year olds so you can stop with the hyperbole. Getting a urine-soaked diaper changed after 8 hours of sitting in it isn't exactly pampering, is it? At least it isn't in most people's minds.

We have special needs children in our family who are picked up by a special bus, taken to a program during the day where they are cared for, educated and socialized. They have case managers who have oversight and discuss resources and plans with the family. Why can't the same be done for elderly people?

Remember that special needs children grow up to be special needs adults. How do you want them to be cared for?

There are adult day cares. The one we tried was really bad.

[Anonymous]

My mother has loved living in an AL for 7 years. She has a great small apartment with kitchen,has a great community of good friends and activities when she feels like it. Her social life is a lot more engaging than mine... she had no desire to move in with me or one of my siblings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Consider this. We are all one accident or one debilitating illness away from long-term care ourselves.

If you have not spent time in a long-term care facility (whether it's assisted living or nursing home) then you may not be aware that there are people in them who are in their 20s, 30s and 40s. Some are vehicle accident victims who are paralyzed or brain damaged. Some developed an illness which impacted their mobility and ability for self-care.

What would YOU want in a case like this? If you are in your 40s and have an accident tomorrow which leaves you physically incapacitated (but mentally acute) what kind of care would you want as a human being?

That's the crux of the issue. It's not whether or not someone is old, young, nice, mean or oblivious. We as a country need to examine this issue and determine our way forward. How do we want to treat other human beings in this condition?

But because it is scary and makes people fearful, we simply are not having that conversation.

Not OP, but having spend almost a decade on eldercare ups downs, emergencies, tantrums, diasters, etc I would want to be in a facility. I would not do to my children or husband what has been done to me ever. I would want them to enjoy visits with me and not feel burned out.

Most of the people I know who were actively involved in challenging eldercare that went on for a long went to a CCRC because they didn't want to abuse their children that way and it worked out well. The elders who always had excuses to do less and weren't that involved or just lost a parent peacefully in sleep one day, are the ones who don't see the big deal about aging in place.

One of my kids has special needs. I think before we worry about our elders are treated we need to look at how hard it is from birth onward for parents of kids with special needs and we need to offer so many support services. Once we can care properly for our young children with disabilities and illnesses then we can worry about 96 year old elders not getting luxury care.

You're missing the point. We should be able to do both. And no one here is talking about luxury care for 96 year olds so you can stop with the hyperbole. Getting a urine-soaked diaper changed after 8 hours of sitting in it isn't exactly pampering, is it? At least it isn't in most people's minds.

We have special needs children in our family who are picked up by a special bus, taken to a program during the day where they are cared for, educated and socialized. They have case managers who have oversight and discuss resources and plans with the family. Why can't the same be done for elderly people?

Remember that special needs children grow up to be special needs adults. How do you want them to be cared for?

There are adult day cares. The one we tried was really bad.

That's the point. Just because one was bad doesn't mean we as a society stop considering them. It's like saying, "Well, there are daycare facilities for children. I took my child to one and it was awful, therefore let's not support daycare for children."

How about focusing on creating a regulatory and fiscal framework so they can be successful? At least it gives families a choice other than full-time institutionalization. Unfortunately, the long-term care lobby would robustly fight any efforts at that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because they know once you put them in there you’ll never come get them out. Would you want to live in a hospital in your dying days, kids coming to visit once a week if you’re lucky. Never knowing which staff are good or bad, having absolutely zero control over a life you once had complete control over?

I’d find her a more suitable arrangement.

Assisted living is not a nursing home and it is not a "hospital".

Not sure about the "visit" comment but going to assisted living doesn't make people visit less.

It's like living in a hotel. You get your room cleaned, meals cooked for you, some activities.

Where they medicate you against your will and can come into your room at any time.

They medicate those who are abusive. I can guarantee you those who need to be heavily medicated would gladly eat their own children alive with their verbal and sometimes physical abuse. Our experience is these facilities work with you collaboratively with medication. My grandma was medicated to be a zombie because she was THAT abusive without the meds. Heavily medicated she could treat staff with basic respect, enjoy a visit from family and function. God bless medication!!

Very unlikely you’ll see this in assisted living, as opposed to a nursing home where skilled care is the norm.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because they know once you put them in there you’ll never come get them out. Would you want to live in a hospital in your dying days, kids coming to visit once a week if you’re lucky. Never knowing which staff are good or bad, having absolutely zero control over a life you once had complete control over?

I’d find her a more suitable arrangement.

Assisted living is not a nursing home and it is not a "hospital".

Not sure about the "visit" comment but going to assisted living doesn't make people visit less.

It's like living in a hotel. You get your room cleaned, meals cooked for you, some activities.

Where they medicate you against your will and can come into your room at any time.

They medicate those who are abusive. I can guarantee you those who need to be heavily medicated would gladly eat their own children alive with their verbal and sometimes physical abuse. Our experience is these facilities work with you collaboratively with medication. My grandma was medicated to be a zombie because she was THAT abusive without the meds. Heavily medicated she could treat staff with basic respect, enjoy a visit from family and function. God bless medication!!

Very unlikely you’ll see this in assisted living, as opposed to a nursing home where skilled care is the norm.

You will absolutely see this in ASL. At least the ones that have an advanced license to deal with people that are further along in their life journey. These facilities have more staff to resident ratio than regular assisted living. Most of the people in my parents ASL are 80s and 90s. As long as they don’t have to be hooked up with tubes, they will be able to spend the rest of their lives at ASL rather having to go to a nursing home. They also specialize in memory care. Most are on some kind of memory drug to help them stable.