Why are old people so scared of assisted living facilities?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It took my mom being isolated alone in a condo for a few years, sometimes not seeing or talking to anyone between my visits or calls to finally make the decision than an independent living facility may be a better option. And I moved her to one and she absolutely loved it and would say she wished she’d moved there years ago. She’s been experiencing cognitive decline and needs more help than she can get where she is currently living. She is anxious every day because she sees other people managing their worlds just find and she struggles. She’s embarrassed where she currently is and it’s definitely time to move her to assisted living. I found her a place very similar to where she is now but with the addition of a nursing staff and medication management. She’d be middle of the road in terms of needs, as opposed to the one everyone talks about when she gets confused about things. But she’s so incredibly resistant. Wants to get a lot of questions answered before she “agrees” to move and doesn’t seem to understand she HAS to move so it’s not a matter of if but a matter of where. She’s losing her mind and I’m losing my mind. Is there something about this generation that makes them lack self awareness?

Read the book "Being Mortal" and then come back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Obviously, there are terribly run facilities.

The one my mom is in does not "kick you to the curb". She will move from independent living, to assisted and to nursing care as needed. It is all on one campus.

She had knee surgery and went to nursing care / rehab and her friends were able to take the shuttle to visit her.

If her money runs out she is not kicked out either.

There is no grand staircase and of course you need to stay in touch to see if your parent is receiving the services they need.

The other option is living on her own, not taking her medication, falling, not eating properly ... constantly ending up in the hospital for dehydration or confusion because her medication is off.

Many try to stay in "walkable" communities and are the victims of pedestrians accidents...old people and teens, almost all pedestrians accidents.

What you describe is a “continuing care community,” a different animal than straight-up “assisted living.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Try to have more empathy. I'm an RN and frequently have patients who are told they are not going to be going home again. It is a HUGE loss for them. Imagine living on your own for decades and suddenly you're being told you're not capable of taking care of yourself anymore. And you touched on part of it, she's embarrassed. It is extremely difficult to lose your independence. And that's not even bringing up the fact that this causes her to look at her own mortality. A lot see it as their first foot in the grave.

I get your frustrations, I do. I had to deal with my dad's physical and mental decline from Parkinsons. But I think looking at things from her side may help you a lot.

I know how devastated I am that my aunt had to be moved to a care facility. My family have over 6 decades of memories of reunions, holidays at her house. Our family isn't anymore because my older relatives are gone. They held us all together. I can not imagine how hard it was for my aunt and her children. Op, don't you understand this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, my mother is in an independent living facility -- which she absolutely loves -- that is connected to an assisted living facility -- which she is TERRIFIED of having to move to.

So I totally get it.

Mom's place is lovely -- really feels like something you'd see on a TV commercial. Some of the residents have mobility issues or oxygen, but many of them are lively, healthy, energetic people. She has friends, activities, good food.

The assisted living facility is another apartment block next door and while I've never been inside, my mother describes it as "Heaven's waiting room." Most of those residents are in wheelchairs just to avoid fall risk. The activities are fewer and designed for people with limited physical and mental capacity. The staff wear nurse uniforms and there is a lot of medical equipment in view. It's a very very different living experience.

There is also almost no crossover with the independent living facility, even though the place advertises that.

My mom has experienced some health issues that are concerning, but we will explore paying personal caregivers before we move her into AL.

The place my mother is currently living is like you describe. A beautiful independent living facility attached to a really sad, depressing assisted living facility. There are beautiful AL facilities but one really needs to do research.

[Anonymous]

I'm scared of them because I used to work in one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It took my mom being isolated alone in a condo for a few years, sometimes not seeing or talking to anyone between my visits or calls to finally make the decision than an independent living facility may be a better option. And I moved her to one and she absolutely loved it and would say she wished she’d moved there years ago. She’s been experiencing cognitive decline and needs more help than she can get where she is currently living. She is anxious every day because she sees other people managing their worlds just find and she struggles. She’s embarrassed where she currently is and it’s definitely time to move her to assisted living. I found her a place very similar to where she is now but with the addition of a nursing staff and medication management. She’d be middle of the road in terms of needs, as opposed to the one everyone talks about when she gets confused about things. But she’s so incredibly resistant. Wants to get a lot of questions answered before she “agrees” to move and doesn’t seem to understand she HAS to move so it’s not a matter of if but a matter of where. She’s losing her mind and I’m losing my mind. Is there something about this generation that makes them lack self awareness?

This is so heartless. Newsflash, OP, you will also get old. You will age, and watch your faculties decline before your eyes. It is going to be a VERY hard pill to swallow for you when the time comes. I'm actually more concerned with the YOUNGER generations who have no empathy for anyone else's circumstances. Do you really not understand how difficult aging is? I don't get it. There is a total lack of compassion evidenced by millennial and younger. I chalk it up to the rise of narcissism. Is there something about this generation that makes them lack self awareness??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It took my mom being isolated alone in a condo for a few years, sometimes not seeing or talking to anyone between my visits or calls to finally make the decision than an independent living facility may be a better option. And I moved her to one and she absolutely loved it and would say she wished she’d moved there years ago. She’s been experiencing cognitive decline and needs more help than she can get where she is currently living. She is anxious every day because she sees other people managing their worlds just find and she struggles. She’s embarrassed where she currently is and it’s definitely time to move her to assisted living. I found her a place very similar to where she is now but with the addition of a nursing staff and medication management. She’d be middle of the road in terms of needs, as opposed to the one everyone talks about when she gets confused about things. But she’s so incredibly resistant. Wants to get a lot of questions answered before she “agrees” to move and doesn’t seem to understand she HAS to move so it’s not a matter of if but a matter of where. She’s losing her mind and I’m losing my mind. Is there something about this generation that makes them lack self awareness?

This is so heartless. Newsflash, OP, you will also get old. You will age, and watch your faculties decline before your eyes. It is going to be a VERY hard pill to swallow for you when the time comes. I'm actually more concerned with the YOUNGER generations who have no empathy for anyone else's circumstances. Do you really not understand how difficult aging is? I don't get it. There is a total lack of compassion evidenced by millennial and younger. I chalk it up to the rise of narcissism. Is there something about this generation that makes them lack self awareness??

Most gen x and older were raised to respect their elders and listened to old people tell stories in lieu of internet and other distractions. Our parents taught us that they were wise and had something to teach us. Whether we agreed with them or not we were taught to listen respectfully and usually something of value came from those types of conversations.

Today you have pouty 17 year old children that give old people the silent treatment because they watch different TV channels while other millennials and gen z cheer them on. That wouldn’t be tolerated past age 4 50 years ago. Now they call it “being progressive”.

[Anonymous]

A lot of elderly are terrified of being moved to progressively more restrictive levels of care and particularly the possibility that they can be moved to the locked memory care ward. Once you’re in, you lose a lot of control as they can insist you need a different level of care.
I agree there can be great results for some elderly people, but there’s a lot of issues with a lot of places.

[Anonymous]

For me - an old guy:
Expense
Lack of freedom
Food quality
Depressing atmosphere
Smell of every such place i have visited

[Anonymous]

Everything the old guy said above. Plus forced interaction with people, and no dogs,cats,horses,or cows.

I am so glad that my dad was able to stay in his home until the very end. Mennonite nurses came by every day, but my stepmom and his friends and family did the rest.

[Anonymous]

OP - If your mom has the finances, have you considered bringing services to her in her IL unit. This is happening more in some CCRCs as long as the services are providing the support a person need. It may be an interim step before AL. My dad used tha for my mom who had dementia for awhile until she did need a memory unit. He did extremely well with her but by mid-90s, he was still going out and she could nit be left alone. At 99, he had a 3-week downturn due to kidney failure, but still “greeted “ the priest who came for last rites. For them it was more the fear of a nursing home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It took my mom being isolated alone in a condo for a few years, sometimes not seeing or talking to anyone between my visits or calls to finally make the decision than an independent living facility may be a better option. And I moved her to one and she absolutely loved it and would say she wished she’d moved there years ago. She’s been experiencing cognitive decline and needs more help than she can get where she is currently living. She is anxious every day because she sees other people managing their worlds just find and she struggles. She’s embarrassed where she currently is and it’s definitely time to move her to assisted living. I found her a place very similar to where she is now but with the addition of a nursing staff and medication management. She’d be middle of the road in terms of needs, as opposed to the one everyone talks about when she gets confused about things. But she’s so incredibly resistant. Wants to get a lot of questions answered before she “agrees” to move and doesn’t seem to understand she HAS to move so it’s not a matter of if but a matter of where. She’s losing her mind and I’m losing my mind. Is there something about this generation that makes them lack self awareness?

This is so heartless. Newsflash, OP, you will also get old. You will age, and watch your faculties decline before your eyes. It is going to be a VERY hard pill to swallow for you when the time comes. I'm actually more concerned with the YOUNGER generations who have no empathy for anyone else's circumstances. Do you really not understand how difficult aging is? I don't get it. There is a total lack of compassion evidenced by millennial and younger. I chalk it up to the rise of narcissism. Is there something about this generation that makes them lack self awareness??

There has to be empathy on both sides. We of the sandwich generations have financial and emotional obligations to our struggling teenagers as well as our often-in-denial aging parents. Dealing with aging parents has been a real eye opener as they have no appreciation of the burden they are placing on their adult children (us). My generation of 50 somethings, I'm guessing, will have more empathy for our caregiving children and try and make better, realistic choices for ourselves. I think that is what OP is saying here. This is hard enough for everyone but dealing with unreasonable parents who won't take guidance makes things a lot more difficult.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It took my mom being isolated alone in a condo for a few years, sometimes not seeing or talking to anyone between my visits or calls to finally make the decision than an independent living facility may be a better option. And I moved her to one and she absolutely loved it and would say she wished she’d moved there years ago. She’s been experiencing cognitive decline and needs more help than she can get where she is currently living. She is anxious every day because she sees other people managing their worlds just find and she struggles. She’s embarrassed where she currently is and it’s definitely time to move her to assisted living. I found her a place very similar to where she is now but with the addition of a nursing staff and medication management. She’d be middle of the road in terms of needs, as opposed to the one everyone talks about when she gets confused about things. But she’s so incredibly resistant. Wants to get a lot of questions answered before she “agrees” to move and doesn’t seem to understand she HAS to move so it’s not a matter of if but a matter of where. She’s losing her mind and I’m losing my mind. Is there something about this generation that makes them lack self awareness?

This is so heartless. Newsflash, OP, you will also get old. You will age, and watch your faculties decline before your eyes. It is going to be a VERY hard pill to swallow for you when the time comes. I'm actually more concerned with the YOUNGER generations who have no empathy for anyone else's circumstances. Do you really not understand how difficult aging is? I don't get it. There is a total lack of compassion evidenced by millennial and younger. I chalk it up to the rise of narcissism. Is there something about this generation that makes them lack self awareness??

Most gen x and older were raised to respect their elders and listened to old people tell stories in lieu of internet and other distractions. Our parents taught us that they were wise and had something to teach us. Whether we agreed with them or not we were taught to listen respectfully and usually something of value came from those types of conversations.

Today you have pouty 17 year old children that give old people the silent treatment because they watch different TV channels while other millennials and gen z cheer them on. That wouldn’t be tolerated past age 4 50 years ago. Now they call it “being progressive”.

Oh lord, my sweet grandma has had dementia for years, on good days her memory loop is 3 minutes. Try listening to the same five statements repeated every 3 minutes and then complain about Millenials.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Obviously, there are terribly run facilities.

The one my mom is in does not "kick you to the curb". She will move from independent living, to assisted and to nursing care as needed. It is all on one campus.

She had knee surgery and went to nursing care / rehab and her friends were able to take the shuttle to visit her.

If her money runs out she is not kicked out either.

There is no grand staircase and of course you need to stay in touch to see if your parent is receiving the services they need.

The other option is living on her own, not taking her medication, falling, not eating properly ... constantly ending up in the hospital for dehydration or confusion because her medication is off.

Many try to stay in "walkable" communities and are the victims of pedestrians accidents...old people and teens, almost all pedestrians accidents.

What you describe is a “continuing care community,” a different animal than straight-up “assisted living.”

Yes but assisted living is part of the community.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It took my mom being isolated alone in a condo for a few years, sometimes not seeing or talking to anyone between my visits or calls to finally make the decision than an independent living facility may be a better option. And I moved her to one and she absolutely loved it and would say she wished she’d moved there years ago. She’s been experiencing cognitive decline and needs more help than she can get where she is currently living. She is anxious every day because she sees other people managing their worlds just find and she struggles. She’s embarrassed where she currently is and it’s definitely time to move her to assisted living. I found her a place very similar to where she is now but with the addition of a nursing staff and medication management. She’d be middle of the road in terms of needs, as opposed to the one everyone talks about when she gets confused about things. But she’s so incredibly resistant. Wants to get a lot of questions answered before she “agrees” to move and doesn’t seem to understand she HAS to move so it’s not a matter of if but a matter of where. She’s losing her mind and I’m losing my mind. Is there something about this generation that makes them lack self awareness?

You haven't heard of elder abuse in these places. Its a scary decision.