Why are old people so scared of assisted living facilities?
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Anonymous
| It took my mom being isolated alone in a condo for a few years, sometimes not seeing or talking to anyone between my visits or calls to finally make the decision than an independent living facility may be a better option. And I moved her to one and she absolutely loved it and would say she wished she’d moved there years ago. She’s been experiencing cognitive decline and needs more help than she can get where she is currently living. She is anxious every day because she sees other people managing their worlds just find and she struggles. She’s embarrassed where she currently is and it’s definitely time to move her to assisted living. I found her a place very similar to where she is now but with the addition of a nursing staff and medication management. She’d be middle of the road in terms of needs, as opposed to the one everyone talks about when she gets confused about things. But she’s so incredibly resistant. Wants to get a lot of questions answered before she “agrees” to move and doesn’t seem to understand she HAS to move so it’s not a matter of if but a matter of where. She’s losing her mind and I’m losing my mind. Is there something about this generation that makes them lack self awareness? |
Anonymous
| Is this a real question |
Anonymous
| If you can’t understand how hard and scary it is to make a move like that, particularly for someone with anxiety, then I would say the problem is more that you lack empathy. |
Anonymous
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Because they know once you put them in there you’ll never come get them out. Would you want to live in a hospital in your dying days, kids coming to visit once a week if you’re lucky. Never knowing which staff are good or bad, having absolutely zero control over a life you once had complete control over?
I’d find her a more suitable arrangement. |
Anonymous
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Try to have more empathy. I'm an RN and frequently have patients who are told they are not going to be going home again. It is a HUGE loss for them. Imagine living on your own for decades and suddenly you're being told you're not capable of taking care of yourself anymore. And you touched on part of it, she's embarrassed. It is extremely difficult to lose your independence. And that's not even bringing up the fact that this causes her to look at her own mortality. A lot see it as their first foot in the grave.
I get your frustrations, I do. I had to deal with my dad's physical and mental decline from Parkinsons. But I think looking at things from her side may help you a lot. |
Anonymous
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Fear
No one wants to acknowledge that they are declining. Do not go gentle into that good night... |
Anonymous
Assisted living is not a nursing home and it is not a "hospital". Not sure about the "visit" comment but going to assisted living doesn't make people visit less. |
Anonymous
AL is very suitable and OP made it clear her mom is much happier there and wished she moved years ago. I think the issue is not OP having lack of empathy. She wanted her mom to be safe and happy not isolated and miserable. The issue is a lot of our elders bury their head in the sand, and have no empathy for what is to be an adult child with your own kids, illnesses, stressors and see mom miserable and in a bad situation rotting at home. They think hopping to for every emergency is no big deal because they either never it did it for their own parents or they did it with an empty nest and easier life. Once they are at AL it's easier to have enjoyable visits rather than constantly assessing if they can handle their current living situation. The AL will let you know when she needs more support. People need to age around peers and have peer friends and they need to be doing social activities with those friends. The research strongly supports this. Family are not peers. Yes, we can be PART of their support network, but it not at all healthy for your family to be your only outlet. There is a power differential. Your adult child is never truly a friend because you know the buttons to push and have power. You need to be around peers who force you to keep up the social skills. Plus the more social outlets you have the more you can enjoy family when they visit rather than scare them off with depression, misery, guilt trips, pity parties, power plays, neediness. Social is key. The people I know who live long and happy have many friends and social activities. |
Anonymous
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Most people don't know the difference between assisted living and a nursing home.
Right now we are resisting assisted living because it is very, very, very expensive. Currently we have an assistant from Interim come in and help my mom get dressed and make her breakfast. We pay somebody visit my mom 5-7 days a week and take her to lunch. She has dinner every night at 5:!5. An assistant from Interim comes to make sure my mom took her medication and helps her dress for bed. Every Thursday a nurse comes in and showers her, she gets her hair done every Thursday. Every 2 weeks a nurse comes in and sets up her pills for 2 weeks. This is all cheaper than assisted living. She is 94, so headed to assisted living in a year or so. Once there all this will be done by the staff but we won't be able to pay people to take her to lunch. The assisted living facility does breakfast/lunch/dinner and activities every day but still it's nicer to have someone take you out to lunch every day. |
Anonymous
| Buy her another condo and hire her staff, don’t put her in a place like that. |
Anonymous
I think that poster doesn't understand what leads to people not visiting. When parents go into AL in time to enjoy it and they do it before they create total chaos for years, people visit. You want to see the parent happy in an appropriate living situation with friends. It's when you have spent years with a challenging parent upending you life for their issues with little to no appreciation and you finally get them into residential only after a hospital stay and against your will that you are just done. You are burned out. Maybe now your inlaws have issues to or your teen is now struggling with mental health issues that you didn't catch in the early stages because EVERYTHING revolved around challenging elder...elder who wasn't even in your home...so how hard could it be?  That's what people who don't get it say.
So, yes there are elders nobody visits and I am willing to bet money if you talked to the family, you would hear plenty of horror stories why. |
Anonymous
It's like living in a hotel. You get your room cleaned, meals cooked for you, some activities. |
Anonymous
Where they medicate you against your will and can come into your room at any time. |
Anonymous
It's more like living in a nice single dorm with your own kitchen and bathroom and laundry service. You are required to come out and do activities every single day with your peers. Meals are cooked for you but you can also make food in your kitchen. |
Anonymous
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Americans prize tgeir independence and ability to do whatever they want whenever they want above anything else. So the prospect of being dependent on others is utterly horrific to them.
This is symbolized by the car and their opposition to walkable, bikable, and public transport-oriented development. It all comes back to bite them when they lose gheir ability to drive, then lose their other faculties. It is unbearable. |