Why are old people so scared of assisted living facilities?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because they know once you put them in there you’ll never come get them out. Would you want to live in a hospital in your dying days, kids coming to visit once a week if you’re lucky. Never knowing which staff are good or bad, having absolutely zero control over a life you once had complete control over?

I’d find her a more suitable arrangement.

Assisted living is not a nursing home and it is not a "hospital".

Not sure about the "visit" comment but going to assisted living doesn't make people visit less.

It's like living in a hotel. You get your room cleaned, meals cooked for you, some activities.

Where they medicate you against your will and can come into your room at any time.

In Maryland, they have to check on you every two hours. It’s law.

And nobody EVER breaks “the law;” and they certainly never “pencil whip” a patient record to reflect nonexistent compliance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just as I never did daycare for my children, I will never do assisted living or nursing home for my parents while I draw breath. Just as I hired a nanny, I will hire nurses to care for them in my home

As someone whose BOTH parents went through medical crises at the same time last year, and had to put them in a rehab facility for 6 weeks-GOOD LUCK! I couldn't get ANYONE. NOBODY. There is a real shortage and the idea that the adult child will 'just hire people to help at home' is nearly impossible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just as I never did daycare for my children, I will never do assisted living or nursing home for my parents while I draw breath. Just as I hired a nanny, I will hire nurses to care for them in my home

As someone whose BOTH parents went through medical crises at the same time last year, and had to put them in a rehab facility for 6 weeks-GOOD LUCK! I couldn't get ANYONE. NOBODY. There is a real shortage and the idea that the adult child will 'just hire people to help at home' is nearly impossible.

I raised my kids myself and very much believe in that if you are fortunate enough to afford it. I am still raising them, in fact. My parents are rapidly declining in another state (refuse to move to be closer to me) and are insisting on aging in place. I fly down to help frequently, but they are making their own choice and I can give advice and help make choices when asked, but I cannot be their primary caregiver. This is nothing like taking care of your children.

[Anonymous]

Anyone who asks this has clearly not had an elderly parent or family member and has not spent time in one. Nursing homes are even worse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just as I never did daycare for my children, I will never do assisted living or nursing home for my parents while I draw breath. Just as I hired a nanny, I will hire nurses to care for them in my home

Good luck with that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just as I never did daycare for my children, I will never do assisted living or nursing home for my parents while I draw breath. Just as I hired a nanny, I will hire nurses to care for them in my home

It's great that you have the means to do so, not everyone has those choices.

[Anonymous]

With nurses you really don't know what is going on and there are no witnesses, you are so dependent on one caregiver. We did it for a little while but I feel better about assisted living. Even when my mom was in her own apartment, she wanted to go "home" because she was remembering her childhood home.

[Anonymous]

The pros are the built-in activities and companionship, meals cooked for you, apartment cleaned and bed made each day, meds brought on schedule. The cons are that people are coming into your space all the time, rules you may not like (for my mom, not being able to take a Tylenol or some cough syrup without having to ask someone), and often understaffing, which means not getting the help you expect when you need it. It's a mixed bag. And while it's expensive, it's not as expensive as round the clock or even 40-hour-a-week in-home care.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Fear

No one wants to acknowledge that they are declining.

Do not go gentle into that good night...

And someday it will be your turn. Sounds like OP hasn't thought of that.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:It took my mom being isolated alone in a condo for a few years, sometimes not seeing or talking to anyone between my visits or calls to finally make the decision than an independent living facility may be a better option. And I moved her to one and she absolutely loved it and would say she wished she’d moved there years ago. She’s been experiencing cognitive decline and needs more help than she can get where she is currently living. She is anxious every day because she sees other people managing their worlds just find and she struggles. She’s embarrassed where she currently is and it’s definitely time to move her to assisted living. I found her a place very similar to where she is now but with the addition of a nursing staff and medication management. She’d be middle of the road in terms of needs, as opposed to the one everyone talks about when she gets confused about things. But she’s so incredibly resistant. Wants to get a lot of questions answered before she “agrees” to move and doesn’t seem to understand she HAS to move so it’s not a matter of if but a matter of where. She’s losing her mind and I’m losing my mind. Is there something about this generation that makes them lack self awareness?

This is so heartless. Newsflash, OP, you will also get old. You will age, and watch your faculties decline before your eyes. It is going to be a VERY hard pill to swallow for you when the time comes. I'm actually more concerned with the YOUNGER generations who have no empathy for anyone else's circumstances. Do you really not understand how difficult aging is? I don't get it. There is a total lack of compassion evidenced by millennial and younger. I chalk it up to the rise of narcissism. Is there something about this generation that makes them lack self awareness??

Way to generalize. My young adult children are a HUGE help to me (a gen x'er) in taking care of my elderly and disabled parents. They love doing things for them and spending time together. My own grandparents were dead by the time I was their age, so I never experienced this.

Way to generalize. Both situations are accurate and I suggest that you count your blessings and your $$ because you will be next to face this dilemma, assuming you live long enough.

Your wonderful family? Maybe they'l die first or move away. You never know what will happen. It's a crap shoot.

No need to dwell on it when you're relatively young and healthy and engaged with life, but lease at least be aware: this could be you in a few years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Consider this. We are all one accident or one debilitating illness away from long-term care ourselves.

If you have not spent time in a long-term care facility (whether it's assisted living or nursing home) then you may not be aware that there are people in them who are in their 20s, 30s and 40s. Some are vehicle accident victims who are paralyzed or brain damaged. Some developed an illness which impacted their mobility and ability for self-care.

What would YOU want in a case like this? If you are in your 40s and have an accident tomorrow which leaves you physically incapacitated (but mentally acute) what kind of care would you want as a human being?

That's the crux of the issue. It's not whether or not someone is old, young, nice, mean or oblivious. We as a country need to examine this issue and determine our way forward. How do we want to treat other human beings in this condition?

But because it is scary and makes people fearful, we simply are not having that conversation.

Correct -- and because we are so much in denial. Who wants to think about this stuff when there's so much else to think about?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP, "they are allowed alcohol", "petting zoo? It is a cross between jail and kindergarten. You are infantilized. When is the last time you wanted to go to a petting zoo, age 5. When is the last time you had to ask permission to have a drink? 18?

I'm with the person who said to just push me off a cliff before you lock me up in such an infantilising place.

My mom used to say "just shoot me" until I reminded her I would go to jail for that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just as I never did daycare for my children, I will never do assisted living or nursing home for my parents while I draw breath. Just as I hired a nanny, I will hire nurses to care for them in my home

It's great that you have the means to do so, not everyone has those choices.

+1

Some people get a great life, from a husband (whom they didn't even like) who died on the younger side. Think about it, most retirement homes/assisted living facilities are mostly women, because the men (the ones with the posh work benefits) are long dead. Some of those retirement homes/assisted living facilities are extremely nice, thanks to the men who worked so hard. In previous generations, most women did not work outside the home - and if they did, maybe only a few years. They did not remarry because they would then (you guessed it) lose their deceased husband's posh benefits.

Sadly, other women - even though the couple adored each other, were always together by choice, consistently more active than most people, had great life long friends, and wonderful lifelong community, worked hard their entire lives - (including both having worked full time, outside of the home for their entire lives), are not as fortunate, and have subpar care in their elder years, once widowed. Some retirement homes/assisted living facilities are downright scary.

In the end, life shows you that it is not fair.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Anyone who asks this has clearly not had an elderly parent or family member and has not spent time in one. Nursing homes are even worse.

My experience is they are a godsend and your loved one can start to perk up with the social activities and peer interaction. OP is on the mark. Rotting at home with a revolving door of caregivers, plenty of no-shows, loneliness and items going missing is not "goals" nor is giving your adult children a nervous breakdown as they try to manage your care and their own children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just as I never did daycare for my children, I will never do assisted living or nursing home for my parents while I draw breath. Just as I hired a nanny, I will hire nurses to care for them in my home

This is the best option. We had nurses come in to our home till evening to take care of my dad . He was completely disabled towards the end.