How to not feel bad about putting an infant in daycare?

[Anonymous]

I hated every second my infants were in daycare even though they were, by all accounts, well cared-for, and have grown into really great, sociable, successful kids. Everything about it felt counterintuitive to me and I took every cold, every little frown, every time I picked them up and they had a messy outfit on, etc. to mean that I was doing the wrong thing. Meanwhile both of my babies would smile at their caregivers, go to them easily, seemed to enjoy other babies. This was 100% a me issue because I wanted to be the one taking care of them, had some PPD?PPA, and was generally burnt out for a lot of different reasons. We didn't have too much of a choice at the time.

I do think other women feel this way despite their babies doing fine, and it colors the way they participate in these types of threads.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Socialization is good
Stable finances in the home are good
I did have moments of feeling bad about it too - but when my oldest walked in to kindergarten very confident and ready, I realized some of that was thanks to daycare
In terms of daycare as opposed to nanny - this was pre-covid days for me, but I like the additional oversight. YMMV.

An infant doesn’t need socialization.

They do and it can be provided at home or at a daycare.

https://www.theskimm.com/parenting/babies-social-development

If daycare were actually beneficial and good for a young baby, then rich women who don’t work would send their baby to one. Except they don’t. Daycares are a lower cost option for working parents. There is a reason why wealthy educated people hire a nanny.

Lots of wealthy educated people put their kids in daycare. And a lot of people who use nannies do so for their own convenience, not because it's better for the baby

LOL. No one who is wealthy uses daycare

I guess it depends on your definition of wealthy. I know lots of UMC families who do

Yeah, I’m confused. Maybe one percenters aren’t using daycare but tons of top 10% types do. Managing a household employee isn’t for everyone. I also can afford a nanny and prefer daycare, between the two.

+1 sure like Uber rich people are not using daycare but we have plenty of biglaw parents etc at ours. Who could afford a nanny but prefer daycare (and surely others in their boat are making other choices which work best for them too). I preferred daycare over nanny as well -- more eyes on the children and the adults.

This was a plus for me too. A licensed center has more accountability than one individual nanny who could be generally great, but could make mistakes or do things you don't know about.

Looks like you never worked in a center haha😂🤣

[Anonymous]

Staff in centers don't care about the cameras. They still do it. The director talks to them and all evidence is erased.

There's no way to tell if your child is being treated with respect. There are pros and cons on Center/Family/Daycare/Nanny. Just look at them. Give them big bonuses if you want to feel %100 safe.

[Anonymous]

Center's staff aren't paid well. Thsts why centers keep changing with new people all the time. Give them big bonuses.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a career nanny here and depending on the center and the needs of the kid, for many kids a good center is just as good as a good nanny after a certain age. I would say some time between 12-24 months is when that change happens. But I agree that it’s so hard to put a baby under 6 months in daycare bc they are so little, haven’t been fully vaccinated against illness, and at that age, they are growing and changing so fast that you ideally want a really responsive caregiver, whereas daycares often lean more toward structure and the kids adapt to the schedule instead of the schedule adapting to the kids. By 6-9 months, the majority of babies are on a fairly consistent nap and bedtime and feeding schedule so it feels more acceptable to put them into a scheduled environment—they actually thrive with a schedule by that age!

So instead of thinking about it as “I can’t give my baby what is best,” think about it as “I am solving for a 3-month period where daycare may not be the best fit.” By 6 months a good daycare (meaning not too crowded, minimal staff turnover, access to outdoor space, etc) is pretty much comparable to a nanny and somewhere between 12-24 months daycare is often BETTER than many nannies can provide.

So look at it as a 3-month window where the ideal doesn’t match the reality and you’ll see it’s not such a big deal. And if it still really stresses you, consider hiring a nanny just for 3 months, and sending your kid at 6 months.

I love this perspective. Thank you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is hard and the first couple baby years are so magical and over so soon. What you are feeling is very valid and it is better for babies to be home and away from daycare germs.

Having said that, sometimes it is important to earn the money so that your family's needs are met. So, you do whatever works best for you. I am so sorry. I left my job after one year of working when my youngest was born and I still feel very bad that I had him in daycare. Mind you, this daycare was Bright Horizon in my office and I could EBF him. But in the end, I just said screw it and stayed home with him. I was lucky that I had that option financially.

I actually agree with the contents of this post, but it feels very hurtful to Op to be saying this to her when she does not have this option

[Anonymous]

We are “wealthy” and used a center from 4 months old. Zero regrets - our child absolutely thrived there. I worked from home and felt that having a nanny in my work space would make life more difficult - plus we felt daycare had better redundancy against sick providers, etc. The kid sick days were hard that year but we made very close friends with our cohort of preschool parents. There are lots of solutions that can work OP!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We are “wealthy” and used a center from 4 months old. Zero regrets - our child absolutely thrived there. I worked from home and felt that having a nanny in my work space would make life more difficult - plus we felt daycare had better redundancy against sick providers, etc. The kid sick days were hard that year but we made very close friends with our cohort of preschool parents. There are lots of solutions that can work OP!

How wealthy? In my circle of about 20 mom friends all of whom almost certainly have HHIs of over 500k, not a single one uses daycare

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We are “wealthy” and used a center from 4 months old. Zero regrets - our child absolutely thrived there. I worked from home and felt that having a nanny in my work space would make life more difficult - plus we felt daycare had better redundancy against sick providers, etc. The kid sick days were hard that year but we made very close friends with our cohort of preschool parents. There are lots of solutions that can work OP!

How wealthy? In my circle of about 20 mom friends all of whom almost certainly have HHIs of over 500k, not a single one uses daycare

DP. Does it matter? The point is that people of means use daycares. I don’t know why that point even has to be made: centers can easily run north of $2500 per month per child. Many, many people cannot afford this. Plenty of people who use daycares might choose differently if they had unlimited resources, but these are people financially advantaged enough to have choices about work and childcare.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We are “wealthy” and used a center from 4 months old. Zero regrets - our child absolutely thrived there. I worked from home and felt that having a nanny in my work space would make life more difficult - plus we felt daycare had better redundancy against sick providers, etc. The kid sick days were hard that year but we made very close friends with our cohort of preschool parents. There are lots of solutions that can work OP!

How wealthy? In my circle of about 20 mom friends all of whom almost certainly have HHIs of over 500k, not a single one uses daycare

Same. I don’t know any high earning families who use daycare.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We are “wealthy” and used a center from 4 months old. Zero regrets - our child absolutely thrived there. I worked from home and felt that having a nanny in my work space would make life more difficult - plus we felt daycare had better redundancy against sick providers, etc. The kid sick days were hard that year but we made very close friends with our cohort of preschool parents. There are lots of solutions that can work OP!

How wealthy? In my circle of about 20 mom friends all of whom almost certainly have HHIs of over 500k, not a single one uses daycare

Same. I don’t know any high earning families who use daycare.

Probably because you don’t. People’s social circles often resemble themselves.

[Anonymous]

NP. I don’t know what a high earning family is on DCUM anymore. We make 400k HHI, used au pairs for 2 years, doing day care until private preschool starts up in the fall.

[Anonymous]

Both of my kids were in daycare, and they are very successful adults.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP. I don’t know what a high earning family is on DCUM anymore. We make 400k HHI, used au pairs for 2 years, doing day care until private preschool starts up in the fall.

Did you do au pairs for your baby? How did that work out. Au pair seems like it is significantly cheaper than a private nanny or many share. I’m curious about this option.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I hated every second my infants were in daycare even though they were, by all accounts, well cared-for, and have grown into really great, sociable, successful kids. Everything about it felt counterintuitive to me and I took every cold, every little frown, every time I picked them up and they had a messy outfit on, etc. to mean that I was doing the wrong thing. Meanwhile both of my babies would smile at their caregivers, go to them easily, seemed to enjoy other babies. This was 100% a me issue because I wanted to be the one taking care of them, had some PPD?PPA, and was generally burnt out for a lot of different reasons. We didn't have too much of a choice at the time.

I do think other women feel this way despite their babies doing fine, and it colors the way they participate in these types of threads.

I could have written this. Having to put my kids in childcare during their infancy was terribly hard for me and I beat myself up about it constantly. Being a working mom is so hard sometimes. If anyone reading this feels that way, it gets so much better.

-mom of thriving four and six-year-old