How to not feel bad about putting an infant in daycare?

[Anonymous]

FWIW, I did not feel that the infant years were "magical" in fact, I very much felt the opposite and had PPD that only went away once I got back into my routine and went back to work. Before then, I cried every day for hours. Clearly being in an in-home daycare was a better environment for my infant than being home with me. It was better for all of us. He was in an in-home daycare with a 1:4 ratio and it was a loving, nurturing, safe environment. The socialization with other babies was incredible for him, and he thrived. They even potty trained him at 20 months because he saw the bigger kids doing it and wanted to do it too!

OP, please don't feel like all daycares are bad, or that you're a bad mother for sending your kid to one. You're not! Does your husband feel this way?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:FWIW, I did not feel that the infant years were "magical" in fact, I very much felt the opposite and had PPD that only went away once I got back into my routine and went back to work. Before then, I cried every day for hours. Clearly being in an in-home daycare was a better environment for my infant than being home with me. It was better for all of us. He was in an in-home daycare with a 1:4 ratio and it was a loving, nurturing, safe environment. The socialization with other babies was incredible for him, and he thrived. They even potty trained him at 20 months because he saw the bigger kids doing it and wanted to do it too!

OP, please don't feel like all daycares are bad, or that you're a bad mother for sending your kid to one. You're not! Does your husband feel this way?

+100

My experience wasn't quite this bad but similar.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Socialization is good
Stable finances in the home are good
I did have moments of feeling bad about it too - but when my oldest walked in to kindergarten very confident and ready, I realized some of that was thanks to daycare
In terms of daycare as opposed to nanny - this was pre-covid days for me, but I like the additional oversight. YMMV.

An infant doesn’t need socialization.

They do and it can be provided at home or at a daycare.

https://www.theskimm.com/parenting/babies-social-development

If daycare were actually beneficial and good for a young baby, then rich women who don’t work would send their baby to one. Except they don’t. Daycares are a lower cost option for working parents. There is a reason why wealthy educated people hire a nanny.

Lots of wealthy educated people put their kids in daycare. And a lot of people who use nannies do so for their own convenience, not because it's better for the baby

LOL. No one who is wealthy uses daycare

I guess it depends on your definition of wealthy. I know lots of UMC families who do

Yeah, I’m confused. Maybe one percenters aren’t using daycare but tons of top 10% types do. Managing a household employee isn’t for everyone. I also can afford a nanny and prefer daycare, between the two.

Exact same thoughts here. I don’t want someone always in the house and don’t want to manage an employee. I mean, this is a ridiculous argument that one or two people probably perpetuate

[Anonymous]

Family Daycares are nice and so are nannies. My husband works for the government 100k+ and we joined a nice local Family Daycare of 8 kids total in Silver Spring, Maryland

[Anonymous]

DC1 was at a center, and what helped me feel better was walking into the baby room and seeing one of the caregivers there sitting on the floor smiling with a baby in each arm and a third doing tummy time on the floor near her. There were maybe a dozen babies there, give or take, and a lot of caregivers (4?) and it was bustling but organized, clean, everyone was good natured. Lots of smiles. It was not ideal and I would have much preferred to be able to stay home with my child, but I couldn’t. But I knew she was in a loving environment and would be well cared for. It was still really hard and still makes me hate how little this country cares for parents of young babies.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Socialization is good
Stable finances in the home are good
I did have moments of feeling bad about it too - but when my oldest walked in to kindergarten very confident and ready, I realized some of that was thanks to daycare
In terms of daycare as opposed to nanny - this was pre-covid days for me, but I like the additional oversight. YMMV.

An infant doesn’t need socialization.

They do and it can be provided at home or at a daycare.

https://www.theskimm.com/parenting/babies-social-development

If daycare were actually beneficial and good for a young baby, then rich women who don’t work would send their baby to one. Except they don’t. Daycares are a lower cost option for working parents. There is a reason why wealthy educated people hire a nanny.

Lots of wealthy educated people put their kids in daycare. And a lot of people who use nannies do so for their own convenience, not because it's better for the baby

LOL. No one who is wealthy uses daycare

I guess it depends on your definition of wealthy. I know lots of UMC families who do

Yeah, I’m confused. Maybe one percenters aren’t using daycare but tons of top 10% types do. Managing a household employee isn’t for everyone. I also can afford a nanny and prefer daycare, between the two.

+1 sure like Uber rich people are not using daycare but we have plenty of biglaw parents etc at ours. Who could afford a nanny but prefer daycare (and surely others in their boat are making other choices which work best for them too). I preferred daycare over nanny as well -- more eyes on the children and the adults.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DC1 was at a center, and what helped me feel better was walking into the baby room and seeing one of the caregivers there sitting on the floor smiling with a baby in each arm and a third doing tummy time on the floor near her. There were maybe a dozen babies there, give or take, and a lot of caregivers (4?) and it was bustling but organized, clean, everyone was good natured. Lots of smiles. It was not ideal and I would have much preferred to be able to stay home with my child, but I couldn’t. But I knew she was in a loving environment and would be well cared for. It was still really hard and still makes me hate how little this country cares for parents of young babies.

+1 seeing how well staffed ours was helped a lot. Maryland ratio is 3:1 and ours was 6 babies and usually 3 teachers for most of the day, 2 on the front and back end. There are also floaters and helpers. So it felt like they were getting attention and the teachers weren't exhausted.

Mostly being excited about this particular daycare made it easier - we had friends who had used it for years and that carried the most weight.

It is always going to feel the hardest when they are the littlest and once they are interceding more then the activities and social aspects feel like more of a plus. I think I would have had a hard time.with any setup right at the beginning (mine both started at 6mo).

[Anonymous]

I disliked having a nanny but maybe l just had the wrong couple of nannies. The infant room at the daycare we finally got off the waitlist for was fantastic. Very small ratios and experienced caring staff.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DC1 was at a center, and what helped me feel better was walking into the baby room and seeing one of the caregivers there sitting on the floor smiling with a baby in each arm and a third doing tummy time on the floor near her. There were maybe a dozen babies there, give or take, and a lot of caregivers (4?) and it was bustling but organized, clean, everyone was good natured. Lots of smiles. It was not ideal and I would have much preferred to be able to stay home with my child, but I couldn’t. But I knew she was in a loving environment and would be well cared for. It was still really hard and still makes me hate how little this country cares for parents of young babies.

+1 seeing how well staffed ours was helped a lot. Maryland ratio is 3:1 and ours was 6 babies and usually 3 teachers for most of the day, 2 on the front and back end. There are also floaters and helpers. So it felt like they were getting attention and the teachers weren't exhausted.

Mostly being excited about this particular daycare made it easier - we had friends who had used it for years and that carried the most weight.

It is always going to feel the hardest when they are the littlest and once they are interceding more then the activities and social aspects feel like more of a plus. I think I would have had a hard time.with any setup right at the beginning (mine both started at 6mo).

I don't like centers. Too many kids and less people like 3 infants 1 teacher.
12 kids of 2 years old age with 1 teacher and maybe an 1 assistant and they rotate the assistants to different rooms.

In Maryland for Family Daycares is 2 infants for 1 teacher, for centers is 3 infants for 1 teacher.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DC1 was at a center, and what helped me feel better was walking into the baby room and seeing one of the caregivers there sitting on the floor smiling with a baby in each arm and a third doing tummy time on the floor near her. There were maybe a dozen babies there, give or take, and a lot of caregivers (4?) and it was bustling but organized, clean, everyone was good natured. Lots of smiles. It was not ideal and I would have much preferred to be able to stay home with my child, but I couldn’t. But I knew she was in a loving environment and would be well cared for. It was still really hard and still makes me hate how little this country cares for parents of young babies.

Same here. When we toured the center, the baby room was busy, but full of affection. And I was able to go and nurse every day since it was close to my office, so I could see how they handled lunch and naptime, and it was well-run. You could tell that the staff loved the babies -- they were always singing and talking to them, and rocking them, etc. And I liked the accountability of a center -- there were always multiple people in the room. And my kid thrived and loved her "teachers" and enjoyed being around other babies (she's always been a social butterfly). Other than a very short bout of separation anxiety at about 18 months, she was always happy to go, and in a good mood when I picked her up.

It's normal to feel anxious about daycare (or a nanny), and it's a shame that we don't get better parental leave, but a well-run daycare staffed by people who like babies is not going to hurt your child. I'm firmly of the belief that the more people who love my child the better!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Socialization is good
Stable finances in the home are good
I did have moments of feeling bad about it too - but when my oldest walked in to kindergarten very confident and ready, I realized some of that was thanks to daycare
In terms of daycare as opposed to nanny - this was pre-covid days for me, but I like the additional oversight. YMMV.

An infant doesn’t need socialization.

They do and it can be provided at home or at a daycare.

https://www.theskimm.com/parenting/babies-social-development

If daycare were actually beneficial and good for a young baby, then rich women who don’t work would send their baby to one. Except they don’t. Daycares are a lower cost option for working parents. There is a reason why wealthy educated people hire a nanny.

Lots of wealthy educated people put their kids in daycare. And a lot of people who use nannies do so for their own convenience, not because it's better for the baby

LOL. No one who is wealthy uses daycare

I guess it depends on your definition of wealthy. I know lots of UMC families who do

Yeah, I’m confused. Maybe one percenters aren’t using daycare but tons of top 10% types do. Managing a household employee isn’t for everyone. I also can afford a nanny and prefer daycare, between the two.

+1 sure like Uber rich people are not using daycare but we have plenty of biglaw parents etc at ours. Who could afford a nanny but prefer daycare (and surely others in their boat are making other choices which work best for them too). I preferred daycare over nanny as well -- more eyes on the children and the adults.

This was a plus for me too. A licensed center has more accountability than one individual nanny who could be generally great, but could make mistakes or do things you don't know about.

[Anonymous]

I went the nannyshare route as I couldn't stomach the thought of putting my 1st in any of the daycares I visited around me. That view was reinforced when our share family quit after awhile and I was again looking at them - we managed to find a new family.

I liked the preschools my kids used but none of the daycares that were in our area.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People will say things like "it's not ideal" or "a nanny is better" with no basis. Daycare can be great, nannies can be terrible, moms can be terrible too. Just make sure the situation is one where you fully trust the caregivers.

This is really the only answer. Day to day the nanny can be easier for parents (not having to worry about drop off and pick up or as much illness) but I just couldn’t bring myself to trust any one person with my kids at that age. Too many horror stories about bad Nannies. My kids did great in daycare (large center, felt the best to us) as infants and toddlers. It’s unusual but our worst child care situation by far was a preschool I have seen recommended here often and has a wealthy population. We were extremely unhappy our particular year and know several other families that felt the same. It sucks but any time anyone other than you is caring for your child there’s a little more chance something could happen or they might not be as happy. Even with a random babysitter for date night. It’s scary but sometimes worth it because you can’t stare at your baby 24/7 without going insane.

[Anonymous]

Both of mine went to a center starting at 4 months. My feeling was that the caregivers knew what they were doing much more than I did!

[Anonymous]

I am a career nanny here and depending on the center and the needs of the kid, for many kids a good center is just as good as a good nanny after a certain age. I would say some time between 12-24 months is when that change happens. But I agree that it’s so hard to put a baby under 6 months in daycare bc they are so little, haven’t been fully vaccinated against illness, and at that age, they are growing and changing so fast that you ideally want a really responsive caregiver, whereas daycares often lean more toward structure and the kids adapt to the schedule instead of the schedule adapting to the kids. By 6-9 months, the majority of babies are on a fairly consistent nap and bedtime and feeding schedule so it feels more acceptable to put them into a scheduled environment—they actually thrive with a schedule by that age!

So instead of thinking about it as “I can’t give my baby what is best,” think about it as “I am solving for a 3-month period where daycare may not be the best fit.” By 6 months a good daycare (meaning not too crowded, minimal staff turnover, access to outdoor space, etc) is pretty much comparable to a nanny and somewhere between 12-24 months daycare is often BETTER than many nannies can provide.

So look at it as a 3-month window where the ideal doesn’t match the reality and you’ll see it’s not such a big deal. And if it still really stresses you, consider hiring a nanny just for 3 months, and sending your kid at 6 months.