Family taking advantage of beach house

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can you go just your nuclear family and not tell them? If they find out later, just say you wanted a nuclear family vacation. Another option is to rent something much smaller, like a condo, where there will be no room for anyone but your immediate family.

I cannot believe how passive aggressive so many of you are. OP, this is horrible advice.

Just. Tell. Them.

Sorry MIL, not this year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you go just your nuclear family and not tell them? If they find out later, just say you wanted a nuclear family vacation. Another option is to rent something much smaller, like a condo, where there will be no room for anyone but your immediate family.

I cannot believe how passive aggressive so many of you are. OP, this is horrible advice.

Just. Tell. Them.

Sorry MIL, not this year.

What’s up with the one word incomplete sentences?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Two summers ago DH and I decided to rent a beach house for 2 weeks in August. At the end of the trip we invited DH’s parents to come for a weekend. Overall it was a nice time. Last summer we rented the same house and in addition to DH’s parents coming, they pretty much invited his sister/BIL and their kids and everyone went from staying for a weekend to 5/6 days. It was fine, but the small house was pretty chaotic and instead of my kids having a bedroom they had to stay in the room with DH and me so his parents could have one room and his sister and her family had the other. No one offered to chip in for the most part so not only did we pay for the beach house, but we paid for most of the food too.

We were planning to rent a house again this summer and MIL already made a comment about how much fun everyone had and they can’t wait to come back. I suggested that we find a bigger house and all split it, which was pretty much met with blank stares. They pretty much just want us to foot the bill for their summer vacation.

I want to disinvite them, although let’s be clear that we have not invited them, but DH thinks that will not go over well. Can we tell them that if they want to come they need to contribute without it becoming a “thing”? I don’t see why others can’t chip in so we can get a more comfortable house. Why should we pay for the whole thing and be crammed in one bedroom, feeding everyone, etc? What would you do?

That is terrible, op! They are moochers. I would either not go on that beach vacation and just tell them you made other plans ( and then do it) like we have always wanted to take the kids to...X

Or just say that you can't afford to give everyone a vacation so you are booking a house that will just fit your family. If they want to come they have to rent their own place. Yes you will get pushback but, you must remain strong. So , sorry our budget doesn't allow this and there is no room in the house. The contract says we can only have our family!


Do it now before they start to make plans.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Or keep the house but tell them you have other guests coming for most of the time, so they are only invited for the last weekend.

Ding ding ding. I think this is your solution.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh, heck no. It’s not a vacation for DH and me if we have kids in our room. Your DH needs to step up and shut this down.

“Mom/ Dad, we loved having you join us for the weekend two years ago, but last year when it was longer and sis and her family were included, it was just too much. We can’t all squeeze into that tiny house again. You and Dad can either join us for the weekend, or here is a link to a nearby condo for you, Larla and her family. We are still happy to do meals at our house for the weekend.”

I like this or the "break the chain and stay at resort" approach.

[Anonymous]

“Hi, fam—Checking in again about summer plans. After checking with you all about your plans and it seeming like you didn’t want to rent a place together, Larlo and I went ahead and rented a place. Just letting you know our dates in case you wanted to coordinate and book something nearby. We definitely don’t want a repeat of last year where four of us had to cram into one bedroom! That’s not relaxing at all! Hahaha! [mirthless laughter]”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are they poor, though? Can you all afford nicer vacations and they cannot?

100% irrelevant.

This may not be determinative, but it's certainly relevant and what's up with you for thinking it's not? If someone doesn't have funds but could contribute in other ways -- like cooking all the meals or doing all the babysitting or certain excursions with the kids, etc -- that's certainly relevant to making the vacation a great trip after all.

This is time your kids are spending with their extended family and if the family is actually having a really great time together and creating memories that will be treasured forever down the road, and maybe cementing relationships that will last into adulthood, I'd be loathe to blow that up if the money wasn't really that important to me. That said, I see that you are also really missing out on getting your own family time together during this vacation and that it's basically being taken over by your husband's family while I suspect you personally are doing most of the work like cooking etc., which totally isn't fair.

Is the family (including your kids) really enjoying this time together or is it mostly the in laws who are enjoying freeloading off of you? And are they significantly poorer than you, or at roughly the same wealth level? If your kids are having a super great time but the wealth levels are vastly different, I'd consider proposing that you guys absorb the cost of the house (maybe with a room for your kids) rental but make it clear that the in laws are in charge of all food for the whole house, and the cooking of all meals, and see if the in laws still want to come under those conditions. jmho.

I grew up usually being poorer than the people I was vacationing with, but learned early to always offer to help out in ways I could -- cooking, doing dishes, etc -- and I always felt I was a welcome guest.

[Anonymous]

OP: You are right and your relatives are taking advantage of you & your family.

Have you thought about renting a beach house in a different location ?

If you want to stay at the same beach house, you need to speak up & politely state your position.

Are other accommodations available at this beach during the same time of the season or is everything pre-rented well in advance ?

[Anonymous]

OP: This is supposed to be a vacation for you & your family--not a convention on a tight budget. How do you handle the bathroom situation with so many people & so few facilities ?

[Anonymous]

No is a full sentence.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Break the vicious cycle. Book a beach resort instead of a house. Then send around the link so everyone who still wants to come can get their own room.

This is what we do. It's sooo much better for me, as I don't have to clean up after anyone or cook and I'll never go back.

[Anonymous]

OP's and the ILs' wealth levels have no bearing on this scenario.

The ILs have proven themselves to be entitled and won't chip in at all. Sorry to say it, but they're dirty moochers who will walk all over OP's family if allowed.

I don't care how much fun the cousins are having together. There're other ways to facilitate fun times. But not at the expense of OP's vacation time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are they poor, though? Can you all afford nicer vacations and they cannot?

100% irrelevant.

This may not be determinative, but it's certainly relevant and what's up with you for thinking it's not? If someone doesn't have funds but could contribute in other ways -- like cooking all the meals or doing all the babysitting or certain excursions with the kids, etc -- that's certainly relevant to making the vacation a great trip after all.

This is time your kids are spending with their extended family and if the family is actually having a really great time together and creating memories that will be treasured forever down the road, and maybe cementing relationships that will last into adulthood, I'd be loathe to blow that up if the money wasn't really that important to me. That said, I see that you are also really missing out on getting your own family time together during this vacation and that it's basically being taken over by your husband's family while I suspect you personally are doing most of the work like cooking etc., which totally isn't fair.

Is the family (including your kids) really enjoying this time together or is it mostly the in laws who are enjoying freeloading off of you? And are they significantly poorer than you, or at roughly the same wealth level? If your kids are having a super great time but the wealth levels are vastly different, I'd consider proposing that you guys absorb the cost of the house (maybe with a room for your kids) rental but make it clear that the in laws are in charge of all food for the whole house, and the cooking of all meals, and see if the in laws still want to come under those conditions. jmho.

I grew up usually being poorer than the people I was vacationing with, but learned early to always offer to help out in ways I could -- cooking, doing dishes, etc -- and I always felt I was a welcome guest.

Just because you have less money doesn’t mean you get to horn in on someone else’s vacation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s already march and you don’t have a beach house booked yet? Is this an unpopular beach?

This pinged my troll radar as well. OP, this could have been a really good thread in November. People have more time for IL hate threads over the holidays.

No, read the OP. She booked the same beach house as last year and MIL is starting to make noises about how much fun they had last summer. This was after they balked at going in on a larger house or splitting costs.

Where does it say she booked the same house as last year?

There's no house booked at all. OP discussed a bigger house to share and nobody jumped. OP foolishly thinks she's going to rent a decent house near the beach at this late stage. This sounds like a problem that will take care of itself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Two summers ago DH and I decided to rent a beach house for 2 weeks in August. At the end of the trip we invited DH’s parents to come for a weekend. Overall it was a nice time. Last summer we rented the same house and in addition to DH’s parents coming, they pretty much invited his sister/BIL and their kids and everyone went from staying for a weekend to 5/6 days. It was fine, but the small house was pretty chaotic and instead of my kids having a bedroom they had to stay in the room with DH and me so his parents could have one room and his sister and her family had the other. No one offered to chip in for the most part so not only did we pay for the beach house, but we paid for most of the food too.

We were planning to rent a house again this summer and MIL already made a comment about how much fun everyone had and they can’t wait to come back. I suggested that we find a bigger house and all split it, which was pretty much met with blank stares. They pretty much just want us to foot the bill for their summer vacation.

I want to disinvite them, although let’s be clear that we have not invited them, but DH thinks that will not go over well. Can we tell them that if they want to come they need to contribute without it becoming a “thing”? I don’t see why others can’t chip in so we can get a more comfortable house. Why should we pay for the whole thing and be crammed in one bedroom, feeding everyone, etc? What would you do?

OP, it is fine to invite just the parents, but it is not fine to invite just half of the IL's, and not the other half. That is plain rude, and I think you know that, hence your post.

Is this an annual tradition (of your family) that you are taking over? Is this a place that you prefer to go, and maybe not all of the family members? I ask because in our family, we have members from other areas (which happen to be near nice beaches) - so we understand that (other beach area) is their preference, as they grew up an hour away from that beach - so that is where they vacation. In other words, they have their own traditions that are generations longer than mine (!!!), so I respect that (if I want to be a decent IL). So, part of their limited time off (most of us are retired, but not this particular IL family), they go to see their cousins, who they actually grew up with. They have limited vacation time to work with, their kids are still in school, and there are other families involved in their planning. Part of being a good IL is being considerate, and not selfish and/or self centered.

I do know families who just think of themselves - they will ask a family "their availability" - then ignore it and do what they want. Then, if they were to "put their foot down" and ask for money, it would be kind of a joke, due to other factors (history). Plus, that particular part of the family consistently (for 20+ years) gets the least favorable accommodations (dirty diaper scented bunk beds for the adult couples, anyone??). Point being, maybe you are not doing them anyone any favors, but they are sucking it up to be together in the name of "tradition". Maybe they know the "vacation" is important to the elderly parents, for example. Or maybe they are just trying their best to do the right thing, given so little to work with. But these same people are likely damned if they do, and damned if they don't - sound familiar in any aspect, OP?

If that is the case, they really don't care if you go for two weeks and don't tell them, you have probably done so before. It is hurtful, but really, all you have to do is communicate and gently explain, you know - use your words, and explain what your expectations are, beforehand. I like the resort idea. Maybe you have to be open to more change and flexibility and inclusivity once per year, and that is perfectly okay. No one is looking to steal your crown. No one really enjoys those big, dirty beach houses all that much.

Was there a point to this gibberish? How is it at all relevant? Was it just an elaborate exercise in you projecting your own issues onto OP and her family? And what's with the snotty, "No one is looking to steal your crown"?