How to explain to Ils that parents don’t want to share Christmas

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’d tell my parents to deal. If they want a solo weekend, they come at a time that’s not Christmas.

+1

OP is going to visit her parents. It’s not usual to bring your in-laws along on a trip like that.

Op and we didn’t bring them - they just… came too. They said it was on their way to their vacation which I guess it was - but they arranged their whole vacation to ‘coincide’.
I just don’t know who is right in this scenario so hard to know how to deal

It's not OK to invite yourself along on someone else's holiday. So IL's are wrong and are putting you and your parents in a difficult position.

I'd do a combo of things suggested on this thread. Go celebrate Christmas a week before, or after. Avoid telling them your exact dates. Be explicit "we are not inviting anyone along this year". If they show up, do not engage. Or send just your DH to see them and tell them "this isn't appropriate".

Just as the ILs sometimes get time alone with you and your family, your parents deserve that too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents would have been like your parents OP: would have graciously dealt with iLs but their joy would have been sucked out - and mine too as I know they were being imposed on by your ILs crashing. Have DH proactively say - ‘we’re spending Christmas w/Jane’s family this year. Lets find a weekend before or after that trip to celebrate with you.’ IF they suggest traveling there again he has to be firm over and over again if needed. It is an intrusion and just because they’re disappointed doesn’t mean they’re right.

This is the correct answer.

Op - yes last time they came I think my family dealt with it but their feeling is that it was non optimum.
Basically in laws feel like others on this thread do that everyone and their dog should be welcome on xmas.
Parents feel like they want alone time with us and we should swap off years.
I don’t really care either way - hosting the in laws where my parents will be is kind of a hassle. Christmas in general is kind of a hassle. All the hosting and expectations and work - eh. But we don’t have that choice bc I am not the grinch and kids still young

You don’t care either way, but what does your husband want?

If he feels strongly that he wants his parents included every year, then our advice to you will differ than in the case where he wants your parents’ wishes to be upheld.

Why would DH’s wishes supersede anyone else’s? Odd years, they travel to OP’s family. Even years, they travel to DH’s family. It’s clear, it’s fair.

Who said supercede? OP and her husband are a team, and not everyone decides as a team to alternate years. They need to come up with a plan together and it might look different than alternate years. Maybe they decide to host and invite both parents yearly. Maybe they decide to avoid the issue completely and vacation away from both in laws each year. Who knows. But no, OP’s parents aren’t the sole deciders of how they share their holidays.

DH sounds like a pansy that can’t sack up and have an awkward conversation with his parents. Who cares if he thinks it’s normal that his parents show up uninvited? OP and her parents don’t want that.
It’s reasonable, when people don’t agree on what to do WRT the holidays, each side gets a year.

Alternate sides is a great solution but it’s not the only one, and it’s a decision OP and her husband should make together. There are other options, including not celebrating Christmas with either set of parents, or hosting and inviting one or the other, or hosting and inviting both.

OP would like to see her parents at christmas and does not want the IL’s there. That is completely reasonable. She is fine with every other year. What is so hard about that concept that you are dying on this hill?

Actually I thought OP did not care. And she is only disinviting her in-laws because that is what her parents want.

If it is what her parents want, then itnus entirely on her parents to disinvite the inlaws, certainly not the husband's job to disinvite his own parents to someone else's house.

[Anonymous]

Op - the question was never about disinviting anyone. They were never invited but they came anyway and assume they will do the same if we try to visit my parents again

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op - the question was never about disinviting anyone. They were never invited but they came anyway and assume they will do the same if we try to visit my parents again

Do you want the time alone with your parents? You haven't answered that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents would have been like your parents OP: would have graciously dealt with iLs but their joy would have been sucked out - and mine too as I know they were being imposed on by your ILs crashing. Have DH proactively say - ‘we’re spending Christmas w/Jane’s family this year. Lets find a weekend before or after that trip to celebrate with you.’ IF they suggest traveling there again he has to be firm over and over again if needed. It is an intrusion and just because they’re disappointed doesn’t mean they’re right.

This is the correct answer.

Op - yes last time they came I think my family dealt with it but their feeling is that it was non optimum.
Basically in laws feel like others on this thread do that everyone and their dog should be welcome on xmas.
Parents feel like they want alone time with us and we should swap off years.
I don’t really care either way - hosting the in laws where my parents will be is kind of a hassle. Christmas in general is kind of a hassle. All the hosting and expectations and work - eh. But we don’t have that choice bc I am not the grinch and kids still young

You don’t care either way, but what does your husband want?

If he feels strongly that he wants his parents included every year, then our advice to you will differ than in the case where he wants your parents’ wishes to be upheld.

Um, what about the feelings of OP’s parents—you know, the owners of the home that is being crashed?!?!

+1. Hello, it matters how the forced-hosts feel. If they don’t want to host extra people—especially unexpected, unannounced, uninvited—their feelings are paramount.

It sounds like they are traveling. OP said the place where her parents will be. It could also be that the in-laws get their own place, and don’t crash at OP’s parents’ place. At any rate, they are uninvited but they are not unannounced or unexpected. They still should be told not to come if that’s the decision, but stop exaggerating, it doesn’t help.

Do try reading the original post carefully before you accuse me of “exaggerating,” darling:

A few years ago we took the kids to visit my parents in a different state and the ILs found a way to ‘be there’ and join us.

Care to try your response to my point again?

Those poor children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents would have been like your parents OP: would have graciously dealt with iLs but their joy would have been sucked out - and mine too as I know they were being imposed on by your ILs crashing. Have DH proactively say - ‘we’re spending Christmas w/Jane’s family this year. Lets find a weekend before or after that trip to celebrate with you.’ IF they suggest traveling there again he has to be firm over and over again if needed. It is an intrusion and just because they’re disappointed doesn’t mean they’re right.

This is the correct answer.

Op - yes last time they came I think my family dealt with it but their feeling is that it was non optimum.
Basically in laws feel like others on this thread do that everyone and their dog should be welcome on xmas.
Parents feel like they want alone time with us and we should swap off years.
I don’t really care either way - hosting the in laws where my parents will be is kind of a hassle. Christmas in general is kind of a hassle. All the hosting and expectations and work - eh. But we don’t have that choice bc I am not the grinch and kids still young

You don’t care either way, but what does your husband want?

If he feels strongly that he wants his parents included every year, then our advice to you will differ than in the case where he wants your parents’ wishes to be upheld.

Why would DH’s wishes supersede anyone else’s? Odd years, they travel to OP’s family. Even years, they travel to DH’s family. It’s clear, it’s fair.

Who said supercede? OP and her husband are a team, and not everyone decides as a team to alternate years. They need to come up with a plan together and it might look different than alternate years. Maybe they decide to host and invite both parents yearly. Maybe they decide to avoid the issue completely and vacation away from both in laws each year. Who knows. But no, OP’s parents aren’t the sole deciders of how they share their holidays.

DH sounds like a pansy that can’t sack up and have an awkward conversation with his parents. Who cares if he thinks it’s normal that his parents show up uninvited? OP and her parents don’t want that.
It’s reasonable, when people don’t agree on what to do WRT the holidays, each side gets a year.

Alternate sides is a great solution but it’s not the only one, and it’s a decision OP and her husband should make together. There are other options, including not celebrating Christmas with either set of parents, or hosting and inviting one or the other, or hosting and inviting both.

OP would like to see her parents at christmas and does not want the IL’s there. That is completely reasonable. She is fine with every other year. What is so hard about that concept that you are dying on this hill?

Actually I thought OP did not care. And she is only disinviting her in-laws because that is what her parents want.

If it is what her parents want, then itnus entirely on her parents to disinvite the inlaws, certainly not the husband's job to disinvite his own parents to someone else's house.

Disagree. Often when IL's are out of line and it impacts a marriage, it's their child who is assigned the role of managing his parents.
OPs parents owe nothing to these people. They didn't invite them. The only reason they accomodate them is a sense of familial obligation to their daughter and her spouse. They are being put in a terrible position by his parents imposing on them. Parents need a good talking to about manners and it is certainly not OP or her parents' job to do that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’d tell my parents to deal. If they want a solo weekend, they come at a time that’s not Christmas.

This. They are being difficult

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents would have been like your parents OP: would have graciously dealt with iLs but their joy would have been sucked out - and mine too as I know they were being imposed on by your ILs crashing. Have DH proactively say - ‘we’re spending Christmas w/Jane’s family this year. Lets find a weekend before or after that trip to celebrate with you.’ IF they suggest traveling there again he has to be firm over and over again if needed. It is an intrusion and just because they’re disappointed doesn’t mean they’re right.

This is the correct answer.

Op - yes last time they came I think my family dealt with it but their feeling is that it was non optimum.
Basically in laws feel like others on this thread do that everyone and their dog should be welcome on xmas.
Parents feel like they want alone time with us and we should swap off years.
I don’t really care either way - hosting the in laws where my parents will be is kind of a hassle. Christmas in general is kind of a hassle. All the hosting and expectations and work - eh. But we don’t have that choice bc I am not the grinch and kids still young

You don’t care either way, but what does your husband want?

If he feels strongly that he wants his parents included every year, then our advice to you will differ than in the case where he wants your parents’ wishes to be upheld.

Why would DH’s wishes supersede anyone else’s? Odd years, they travel to OP’s family. Even years, they travel to DH’s family. It’s clear, it’s fair.

Who said supercede? OP and her husband are a team, and not everyone decides as a team to alternate years. They need to come up with a plan together and it might look different than alternate years. Maybe they decide to host and invite both parents yearly. Maybe they decide to avoid the issue completely and vacation away from both in laws each year. Who knows. But no, OP’s parents aren’t the sole deciders of how they share their holidays.

DH sounds like a pansy that can’t sack up and have an awkward conversation with his parents. Who cares if he thinks it’s normal that his parents show up uninvited? OP and her parents don’t want that.
It’s reasonable, when people don’t agree on what to do WRT the holidays, each side gets a year.

Alternate sides is a great solution but it’s not the only one, and it’s a decision OP and her husband should make together. There are other options, including not celebrating Christmas with either set of parents, or hosting and inviting one or the other, or hosting and inviting both.

OP would like to see her parents at christmas and does not want the IL’s there. That is completely reasonable. She is fine with every other year. What is so hard about that concept that you are dying on this hill?

Actually I thought OP did not care. And she is only disinviting her in-laws because that is what her parents want.

If it is what her parents want, then itnus entirely on her parents to disinvite the inlaws, certainly not the husband's job to disinvite his own parents to someone else's house.

Disagree. Often when IL's are out of line and it impacts a marriage, it's their child who is assigned the role of managing his parents.
OPs parents owe nothing to these people. They didn't invite them. The only reason they accomodate them is a sense of familial obligation to their daughter and her spouse. They are being put in a terrible position by his parents imposing on them. Parents need a good talking to about manners and it is certainly not OP or her parents' job to do that.

OP’s parents should have a familiar sense of obligation to their daughter and grandchildren.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents would have been like your parents OP: would have graciously dealt with iLs but their joy would have been sucked out - and mine too as I know they were being imposed on by your ILs crashing. Have DH proactively say - ‘we’re spending Christmas w/Jane’s family this year. Lets find a weekend before or after that trip to celebrate with you.’ IF they suggest traveling there again he has to be firm over and over again if needed. It is an intrusion and just because they’re disappointed doesn’t mean they’re right.

This is the correct answer.

Op - yes last time they came I think my family dealt with it but their feeling is that it was non optimum.
Basically in laws feel like others on this thread do that everyone and their dog should be welcome on xmas.
Parents feel like they want alone time with us and we should swap off years.
I don’t really care either way - hosting the in laws where my parents will be is kind of a hassle. Christmas in general is kind of a hassle. All the hosting and expectations and work - eh. But we don’t have that choice bc I am not the grinch and kids still young

You don’t care either way, but what does your husband want?

If he feels strongly that he wants his parents included every year, then our advice to you will differ than in the case where he wants your parents’ wishes to be upheld.

Why would DH’s wishes supersede anyone else’s? Odd years, they travel to OP’s family. Even years, they travel to DH’s family. It’s clear, it’s fair.

Who said supercede? OP and her husband are a team, and not everyone decides as a team to alternate years. They need to come up with a plan together and it might look different than alternate years. Maybe they decide to host and invite both parents yearly. Maybe they decide to avoid the issue completely and vacation away from both in laws each year. Who knows. But no, OP’s parents aren’t the sole deciders of how they share their holidays.

DH sounds like a pansy that can’t sack up and have an awkward conversation with his parents. Who cares if he thinks it’s normal that his parents show up uninvited? OP and her parents don’t want that.
It’s reasonable, when people don’t agree on what to do WRT the holidays, each side gets a year.

Alternate sides is a great solution but it’s not the only one, and it’s a decision OP and her husband should make together. There are other options, including not celebrating Christmas with either set of parents, or hosting and inviting one or the other, or hosting and inviting both.

OP would like to see her parents at christmas and does not want the IL’s there. That is completely reasonable. She is fine with every other year. What is so hard about that concept that you are dying on this hill?

Actually I thought OP did not care. And she is only disinviting her in-laws because that is what her parents want.

If it is what her parents want, then itnus entirely on her parents to disinvite the inlaws, certainly not the husband's job to disinvite his own parents to someone else's house.

Disagree. Often when IL's are out of line and it impacts a marriage, it's their child who is assigned the role of managing his parents.
OPs parents owe nothing to these people. They didn't invite them. The only reason they accomodate them is a sense of familial obligation to their daughter and her spouse. They are being put in a terrible position by his parents imposing on them. Parents need a good talking to about manners and it is certainly not OP or her parents' job to do that.

Sure, OP. It’s his fault. Always is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op - the question was never about disinviting anyone. They were never invited but they came anyway and assume they will do the same if we try to visit my parents again

If that is what you anticipate, and your parents do not want uninvited guests to show up at Christmas, then it is entirely up to your parents to communicate that directly to the in laws, as the hosts, to the uninvited Christmas-crashers. It is their house, their rules, their job to enforce their house rules.

Then they have been warned and if they show up anyway and are turned away at the door, they will know why.

Your parents need to be their own messengers of bsd Christmas tidings. Not you, and certainly not your husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents would have been like your parents OP: would have graciously dealt with iLs but their joy would have been sucked out - and mine too as I know they were being imposed on by your ILs crashing. Have DH proactively say - ‘we’re spending Christmas w/Jane’s family this year. Lets find a weekend before or after that trip to celebrate with you.’ IF they suggest traveling there again he has to be firm over and over again if needed. It is an intrusion and just because they’re disappointed doesn’t mean they’re right.

This is the correct answer.

Op - yes last time they came I think my family dealt with it but their feeling is that it was non optimum.
Basically in laws feel like others on this thread do that everyone and their dog should be welcome on xmas.
Parents feel like they want alone time with us and we should swap off years.
I don’t really care either way - hosting the in laws where my parents will be is kind of a hassle. Christmas in general is kind of a hassle. All the hosting and expectations and work - eh. But we don’t have that choice bc I am not the grinch and kids still young

You don’t care either way, but what does your husband want?

If he feels strongly that he wants his parents included every year, then our advice to you will differ than in the case where he wants your parents’ wishes to be upheld.

Why would DH’s wishes supersede anyone else’s? Odd years, they travel to OP’s family. Even years, they travel to DH’s family. It’s clear, it’s fair.

Who said supercede? OP and her husband are a team, and not everyone decides as a team to alternate years. They need to come up with a plan together and it might look different than alternate years. Maybe they decide to host and invite both parents yearly. Maybe they decide to avoid the issue completely and vacation away from both in laws each year. Who knows. But no, OP’s parents aren’t the sole deciders of how they share their holidays.

DH sounds like a pansy that can’t sack up and have an awkward conversation with his parents. Who cares if he thinks it’s normal that his parents show up uninvited? OP and her parents don’t want that.
It’s reasonable, when people don’t agree on what to do WRT the holidays, each side gets a year.

Alternate sides is a great solution but it’s not the only one, and it’s a decision OP and her husband should make together. There are other options, including not celebrating Christmas with either set of parents, or hosting and inviting one or the other, or hosting and inviting both.

OP would like to see her parents at christmas and does not want the IL’s there. That is completely reasonable. She is fine with every other year. What is so hard about that concept that you are dying on this hill?

Actually I thought OP did not care. And she is only disinviting her in-laws because that is what her parents want.

If it is what her parents want, then itnus entirely on her parents to disinvite the inlaws, certainly not the husband's job to disinvite his own parents to someone else's house.

Disagree. Often when IL's are out of line and it impacts a marriage, it's their child who is assigned the role of managing his parents.
OPs parents owe nothing to these people. They didn't invite them. The only reason they accomodate them is a sense of familial obligation to their daughter and her spouse. They are being put in a terrible position by his parents imposing on them. Parents need a good talking to about manners and it is certainly not OP or her parents' job to do that.

1. This incident occurred "a few years back." It is not a current issue. Nobody is currently imposing on anyone.
2. We don't have a lot of details on what happened back then, to the extent it matters. If the ILs truly showed up at the door on the day of with no notice, that is indeed incredibly rude. If, on the other hand they incorrectly assumed they would be welcomed and mentioned it ahead of time and nobody spoke up then, well everyone is in the wrong.
3. Everybody we are talking about in this situation is an adult, and everybody should be willing and able to speak up just as they would if it was a social group and not a familial group. There are no rules on who gets to talk to to who.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’d tell my parents to deal. If they want a solo weekend, they come at a time that’s not Christmas.

+1

OP is going to visit her parents. It’s not usual to bring your in-laws along on a trip like that.

Op and we didn’t bring them - they just… came too. They said it was on their way to their vacation which I guess it was - but they arranged their whole vacation to ‘coincide’.
I just don’t know who is right in this scenario so hard to know how to deal

Why do you think they’d do it again?

I wouldn’t say anything. I’d let them know whenever it comes up that you’re spending christmas with your parents. When they say “oh great we’ll just stop by on our way to xyz like we did last time!” Your husband says, “that Christmas was great, but we were hoping this Christmas could be just us and larla’s side of the family since we don’t usually get to spend Christmas with them”. They’ll be disappointed, but they’ll get over it.

Because people that just happened to arrange their travel plans to horn in on a Christmas celebration they were expressly not invited to tend to be the sort of people who will do it again. OP, I'd put this on your husband and tell him in no uncertain terms that you want Christmas alone with your parents this year, that you are open to arranging the holiday season to see his parents, but arranging their travel plans "on the way" to their vacation isn't welcome.

Your husband can figure out a way to phrase it so it's not so harsh - something like "My in-laws aren't really comfortable hosting extended family. We need to work something out this year for before or after Christmas day."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents would have been like your parents OP: would have graciously dealt with iLs but their joy would have been sucked out - and mine too as I know they were being imposed on by your ILs crashing. Have DH proactively say - ‘we’re spending Christmas w/Jane’s family this year. Lets find a weekend before or after that trip to celebrate with you.’ IF they suggest traveling there again he has to be firm over and over again if needed. It is an intrusion and just because they’re disappointed doesn’t mean they’re right.

This is the correct answer.

Op - yes last time they came I think my family dealt with it but their feeling is that it was non optimum.
Basically in laws feel like others on this thread do that everyone and their dog should be welcome on xmas.
Parents feel like they want alone time with us and we should swap off years.
I don’t really care either way - hosting the in laws where my parents will be is kind of a hassle. Christmas in general is kind of a hassle. All the hosting and expectations and work - eh. But we don’t have that choice bc I am not the grinch and kids still young

You don’t care either way, but what does your husband want?

If he feels strongly that he wants his parents included every year, then our advice to you will differ than in the case where he wants your parents’ wishes to be upheld.

Why would DH’s wishes supersede anyone else’s? Odd years, they travel to OP’s family. Even years, they travel to DH’s family. It’s clear, it’s fair.

Who said supercede? OP and her husband are a team, and not everyone decides as a team to alternate years. They need to come up with a plan together and it might look different than alternate years. Maybe they decide to host and invite both parents yearly. Maybe they decide to avoid the issue completely and vacation away from both in laws each year. Who knows. But no, OP’s parents aren’t the sole deciders of how they share their holidays.

DH sounds like a pansy that can’t sack up and have an awkward conversation with his parents. Who cares if he thinks it’s normal that his parents show up uninvited? OP and her parents don’t want that.
It’s reasonable, when people don’t agree on what to do WRT the holidays, each side gets a year.

Alternate sides is a great solution but it’s not the only one, and it’s a decision OP and her husband should make together. There are other options, including not celebrating Christmas with either set of parents, or hosting and inviting one or the other, or hosting and inviting both.

OP would like to see her parents at christmas and does not want the IL’s there. That is completely reasonable. She is fine with every other year. What is so hard about that concept that you are dying on this hill?

Actually I thought OP did not care. And she is only disinviting her in-laws because that is what her parents want.

If it is what her parents want, then itnus entirely on her parents to disinvite the inlaws, certainly not the husband's job to disinvite his own parents to someone else's house.

Disagree. Often when IL's are out of line and it impacts a marriage, it's their child who is assigned the role of managing his parents.
OPs parents owe nothing to these people. They didn't invite them. The only reason they accomodate them is a sense of familial obligation to their daughter and her spouse. They are being put in a terrible position by his parents imposing on them. Parents need a good talking to about manners and it is certainly not OP or her parents' job to do that.

1. This incident occurred "a few years back." It is not a current issue. Nobody is currently imposing on anyone.
2. We don't have a lot of details on what happened back then, to the extent it matters. If the ILs truly showed up at the door on the day of with no notice, that is indeed incredibly rude. If, on the other hand they incorrectly assumed they would be welcomed and mentioned it ahead of time and nobody spoke up then, well everyone is in the wrong.
3. Everybody we are talking about in this situation is an adult, and everybody should be willing and able to speak up just as they would if it was a social group and not a familial group. There are no rules on who gets to talk to to who.

You’re freaking out about this entire ordeal and now aren’t even sure if they actually showed up unannounced or if people just forgot they were coming?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents would have been like your parents OP: would have graciously dealt with iLs but their joy would have been sucked out - and mine too as I know they were being imposed on by your ILs crashing. Have DH proactively say - ‘we’re spending Christmas w/Jane’s family this year. Lets find a weekend before or after that trip to celebrate with you.’ IF they suggest traveling there again he has to be firm over and over again if needed. It is an intrusion and just because they’re disappointed doesn’t mean they’re right.

This is the correct answer.

Op - yes last time they came I think my family dealt with it but their feeling is that it was non optimum.
Basically in laws feel like others on this thread do that everyone and their dog should be welcome on xmas.
Parents feel like they want alone time with us and we should swap off years.
I don’t really care either way - hosting the in laws where my parents will be is kind of a hassle. Christmas in general is kind of a hassle. All the hosting and expectations and work - eh. But we don’t have that choice bc I am not the grinch and kids still young

You don’t care either way, but what does your husband want?

If he feels strongly that he wants his parents included every year, then our advice to you will differ than in the case where he wants your parents’ wishes to be upheld.

Why would DH’s wishes supersede anyone else’s? Odd years, they travel to OP’s family. Even years, they travel to DH’s family. It’s clear, it’s fair.

Who said supercede? OP and her husband are a team, and not everyone decides as a team to alternate years. They need to come up with a plan together and it might look different than alternate years. Maybe they decide to host and invite both parents yearly. Maybe they decide to avoid the issue completely and vacation away from both in laws each year. Who knows. But no, OP’s parents aren’t the sole deciders of how they share their holidays.

DH sounds like a pansy that can’t sack up and have an awkward conversation with his parents. Who cares if he thinks it’s normal that his parents show up uninvited? OP and her parents don’t want that.
It’s reasonable, when people don’t agree on what to do WRT the holidays, each side gets a year.

Alternate sides is a great solution but it’s not the only one, and it’s a decision OP and her husband should make together. There are other options, including not celebrating Christmas with either set of parents, or hosting and inviting one or the other, or hosting and inviting both.

OP would like to see her parents at christmas and does not want the IL’s there. That is completely reasonable. She is fine with every other year. What is so hard about that concept that you are dying on this hill?

Actually I thought OP did not care. And she is only disinviting her in-laws because that is what her parents want.

If it is what her parents want, then itnus entirely on her parents to disinvite the inlaws, certainly not the husband's job to disinvite his own parents to someone else's house.

THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS “DISINVITING” ANYONE WHO IS NOT INVITED; DO YOU GET IT?

If I crashed your wedding and you asked me to leave, did you “disinvite” me?!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents would have been like your parents OP: would have graciously dealt with iLs but their joy would have been sucked out - and mine too as I know they were being imposed on by your ILs crashing. Have DH proactively say - ‘we’re spending Christmas w/Jane’s family this year. Lets find a weekend before or after that trip to celebrate with you.’ IF they suggest traveling there again he has to be firm over and over again if needed. It is an intrusion and just because they’re disappointed doesn’t mean they’re right.

This is the correct answer.

Op - yes last time they came I think my family dealt with it but their feeling is that it was non optimum.
Basically in laws feel like others on this thread do that everyone and their dog should be welcome on xmas.
Parents feel like they want alone time with us and we should swap off years.
I don’t really care either way - hosting the in laws where my parents will be is kind of a hassle. Christmas in general is kind of a hassle. All the hosting and expectations and work - eh. But we don’t have that choice bc I am not the grinch and kids still young

You don’t care either way, but what does your husband want?

If he feels strongly that he wants his parents included every year, then our advice to you will differ than in the case where he wants your parents’ wishes to be upheld.

Why would DH’s wishes supersede anyone else’s? Odd years, they travel to OP’s family. Even years, they travel to DH’s family. It’s clear, it’s fair.

Who said supercede? OP and her husband are a team, and not everyone decides as a team to alternate years. They need to come up with a plan together and it might look different than alternate years. Maybe they decide to host and invite both parents yearly. Maybe they decide to avoid the issue completely and vacation away from both in laws each year. Who knows. But no, OP’s parents aren’t the sole deciders of how they share their holidays.

DH sounds like a pansy that can’t sack up and have an awkward conversation with his parents. Who cares if he thinks it’s normal that his parents show up uninvited? OP and her parents don’t want that.
It’s reasonable, when people don’t agree on what to do WRT the holidays, each side gets a year.

Alternate sides is a great solution but it’s not the only one, and it’s a decision OP and her husband should make together. There are other options, including not celebrating Christmas with either set of parents, or hosting and inviting one or the other, or hosting and inviting both.

OP would like to see her parents at christmas and does not want the IL’s there. That is completely reasonable. She is fine with every other year. What is so hard about that concept that you are dying on this hill?

Actually I thought OP did not care. And she is only disinviting her in-laws because that is what her parents want.

If it is what her parents want, then itnus entirely on her parents to disinvite the inlaws, certainly not the husband's job to disinvite his own parents to someone else's house.

Disagree. Often when IL's are out of line and it impacts a marriage, it's their child who is assigned the role of managing his parents.
OPs parents owe nothing to these people. They didn't invite them. The only reason they accomodate them is a sense of familial obligation to their daughter and her spouse. They are being put in a terrible position by his parents imposing on them. Parents need a good talking to about manners and it is certainly not OP or her parents' job to do that.

1. This incident occurred "a few years back." It is not a current issue. Nobody is currently imposing on anyone.
2. We don't have a lot of details on what happened back then, to the extent it matters. If the ILs truly showed up at the door on the day of with no notice, that is indeed incredibly rude. If, on the other hand they incorrectly assumed they would be welcomed and mentioned it ahead of time and nobody spoke up then, well everyone is in the wrong.
3. Everybody we are talking about in this situation is an adult, and everybody should be willing and able to speak up just as they would if it was a social group and not a familial group. There are no rules on who gets to talk to to who.

You’re freaking out about this entire ordeal and now aren’t even sure if they actually showed up unannounced or if people just forgot they were coming?

Huh? I'm not the OP.