How to explain to Ils that parents don’t want to share Christmas

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’d tell my parents to deal. If they want a solo weekend, they come at a time that’s not Christmas.

+1

+2

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’d tell my parents to deal. If they want a solo weekend, they come at a time that’s not Christmas.

+1

OP is going to visit her parents. It’s not usual to bring your in-laws along on a trip like that.

Op and we didn’t bring them - they just… came too. They said it was on their way to their vacation which I guess it was - but they arranged their whole vacation to ‘coincide’.
I just don’t know who is right in this scenario so hard to know how to deal

No one is right. Or everyone is right. Whatever, it’s just different preferences. Their feelings likely will be hurt a bit but they will get over it. Just be polite and firm and tell them sooner rather than later so they can deal. It will be ok. Talk to your husband about being firm and clear.

Ok no. Your ILs are wrong, very very wrong, to go somewhere they have not been invited! On Christmas FFS! They just randomly showed up? That is bizarre, intrusive boundary-trampling. It is not normal.

I would tell them you are going out of town and not say where.

+1,000,000

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents would have been like your parents OP: would have graciously dealt with iLs but their joy would have been sucked out - and mine too as I know they were being imposed on by your ILs crashing. Have DH proactively say - ‘we’re spending Christmas w/Jane’s family this year. Lets find a weekend before or after that trip to celebrate with you.’ IF they suggest traveling there again he has to be firm over and over again if needed. It is an intrusion and just because they’re disappointed doesn’t mean they’re right.

This is the correct answer.

Op - yes last time they came I think my family dealt with it but their feeling is that it was non optimum.
Basically in laws feel like others on this thread do that everyone and their dog should be welcome on xmas.
Parents feel like they want alone time with us and we should swap off years.
I don’t really care either way - hosting the in laws where my parents will be is kind of a hassle. Christmas in general is kind of a hassle. All the hosting and expectations and work - eh. But we don’t have that choice bc I am not the grinch and kids still young

You don’t care either way, but what does your husband want?

If he feels strongly that he wants his parents included every year, then our advice to you will differ than in the case where he wants your parents’ wishes to be upheld.

Um, what about the feelings of OP’s parents—you know, the owners of the home that is being crashed?!?!

+1. Hello, it matters how the forced-hosts feel. If they don’t want to host extra people—especially unexpected, unannounced, uninvited—their feelings are paramount.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents would have been like your parents OP: would have graciously dealt with iLs but their joy would have been sucked out - and mine too as I know they were being imposed on by your ILs crashing. Have DH proactively say - ‘we’re spending Christmas w/Jane’s family this year. Lets find a weekend before or after that trip to celebrate with you.’ IF they suggest traveling there again he has to be firm over and over again if needed. It is an intrusion and just because they’re disappointed doesn’t mean they’re right.

This is the correct answer.

Op - yes last time they came I think my family dealt with it but their feeling is that it was non optimum.
Basically in laws feel like others on this thread do that everyone and their dog should be welcome on xmas.
Parents feel like they want alone time with us and we should swap off years.
I don’t really care either way - hosting the in laws where my parents will be is kind of a hassle. Christmas in general is kind of a hassle. All the hosting and expectations and work - eh. But we don’t have that choice bc I am not the grinch and kids still young

You don’t care either way, but what does your husband want?

If he feels strongly that he wants his parents included every year, then our advice to you will differ than in the case where he wants your parents’ wishes to be upheld.

Um, what about the feelings of OP’s parents—you know, the owners of the home that is being crashed?!?!

+1. Hello, it matters how the forced-hosts feel. If they don’t want to host extra people—especially unexpected, unannounced, uninvited—their feelings are paramount.

It sounds like they are traveling. OP said the place where her parents will be. It could also be that the in-laws get their own place, and don’t crash at OP’s parents’ place. At any rate, they are uninvited but they are not unannounced or unexpected. They still should be told not to come if that’s the decision, but stop exaggerating, it doesn’t help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents would have been like your parents OP: would have graciously dealt with iLs but their joy would have been sucked out - and mine too as I know they were being imposed on by your ILs crashing. Have DH proactively say - ‘we’re spending Christmas w/Jane’s family this year. Lets find a weekend before or after that trip to celebrate with you.’ IF they suggest traveling there again he has to be firm over and over again if needed. It is an intrusion and just because they’re disappointed doesn’t mean they’re right.

This is the correct answer.

Op - yes last time they came I think my family dealt with it but their feeling is that it was non optimum.
Basically in laws feel like others on this thread do that everyone and their dog should be welcome on xmas.
Parents feel like they want alone time with us and we should swap off years.
I don’t really care either way - hosting the in laws where my parents will be is kind of a hassle. Christmas in general is kind of a hassle. All the hosting and expectations and work - eh. But we don’t have that choice bc I am not the grinch and kids still young

You don’t care either way, but what does your husband want?

If he feels strongly that he wants his parents included every year, then our advice to you will differ than in the case where he wants your parents’ wishes to be upheld.

Um, what about the feelings of OP’s parents—you know, the owners of the home that is being crashed?!?!

+1. Hello, it matters how the forced-hosts feel. If they don’t want to host extra people—especially unexpected, unannounced, uninvited—their feelings are paramount.

It sounds like they are traveling. OP said the place where her parents will be. It could also be that the in-laws get their own place, and don’t crash at OP’s parents’ place. At any rate, they are uninvited but they are not unannounced or unexpected. They still should be told not to come if that’s the decision, but stop exaggerating, it doesn’t help.

Do try reading the original post carefully before you accuse me of “exaggerating,” darling:

A few years ago we took the kids to visit my parents in a different state and the ILs found a way to ‘be there’ and join us.

Care to try your response to my point again?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents would have been like your parents OP: would have graciously dealt with iLs but their joy would have been sucked out - and mine too as I know they were being imposed on by your ILs crashing. Have DH proactively say - ‘we’re spending Christmas w/Jane’s family this year. Lets find a weekend before or after that trip to celebrate with you.’ IF they suggest traveling there again he has to be firm over and over again if needed. It is an intrusion and just because they’re disappointed doesn’t mean they’re right.

This is the correct answer.

Op - yes last time they came I think my family dealt with it but their feeling is that it was non optimum.
Basically in laws feel like others on this thread do that everyone and their dog should be welcome on xmas.
Parents feel like they want alone time with us and we should swap off years.
I don’t really care either way - hosting the in laws where my parents will be is kind of a hassle. Christmas in general is kind of a hassle. All the hosting and expectations and work - eh. But we don’t have that choice bc I am not the grinch and kids still young

You don’t care either way, but what does your husband want?

If he feels strongly that he wants his parents included every year, then our advice to you will differ than in the case where he wants your parents’ wishes to be upheld.

Why would DH’s wishes supersede anyone else’s? Odd years, they travel to OP’s family. Even years, they travel to DH’s family. It’s clear, it’s fair.

Who said supercede? OP and her husband are a team, and not everyone decides as a team to alternate years. They need to come up with a plan together and it might look different than alternate years. Maybe they decide to host and invite both parents yearly. Maybe they decide to avoid the issue completely and vacation away from both in laws each year. Who knows. But no, OP’s parents aren’t the sole deciders of how they share their holidays.

DH sounds like a pansy that can’t sack up and have an awkward conversation with his parents. Who cares if he thinks it’s normal that his parents show up uninvited? OP and her parents don’t want that.
It’s reasonable, when people don’t agree on what to do WRT the holidays, each side gets a year.

Alternate sides is a great solution but it’s not the only one, and it’s a decision OP and her husband should make together. There are other options, including not celebrating Christmas with either set of parents, or hosting and inviting one or the other, or hosting and inviting both.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents would have been like your parents OP: would have graciously dealt with iLs but their joy would have been sucked out - and mine too as I know they were being imposed on by your ILs crashing. Have DH proactively say - ‘we’re spending Christmas w/Jane’s family this year. Lets find a weekend before or after that trip to celebrate with you.’ IF they suggest traveling there again he has to be firm over and over again if needed. It is an intrusion and just because they’re disappointed doesn’t mean they’re right.

This is the correct answer.

Op - yes last time they came I think my family dealt with it but their feeling is that it was non optimum.
Basically in laws feel like others on this thread do that everyone and their dog should be welcome on xmas.
Parents feel like they want alone time with us and we should swap off years.
I don’t really care either way - hosting the in laws where my parents will be is kind of a hassle. Christmas in general is kind of a hassle. All the hosting and expectations and work - eh. But we don’t have that choice bc I am not the grinch and kids still young

You don’t care either way, but what does your husband want?

If he feels strongly that he wants his parents included every year, then our advice to you will differ than in the case where he wants your parents’ wishes to be upheld.

Um, what about the feelings of OP’s parents—you know, the owners of the home that is being crashed?!?!

They might not go to that house in the first place if DH feels strongly that he wants his family included each year. They have the choice not to fly out to OP’s parents for Christmas.

[Anonymous]

"Explain" isn't the point, Op. There are no magic words, no secret sauce. DH tells them whatever it is you two decide. He tells them. They are mad, if they want to be. They will get over it - that's on them.

[Anonymous]

OP, this isn't your husband's responsibility when it is your own parents who want to disinvite your in laws.

Actually, that is on your parents. If they want to disinvite your parents for Christmas, just tell them "That's up to you but they won't be happy about it. Let us know how they react when you tell them they aren't invited."

Don't do your parents' dirty work and don't try to coerce your husband into doing it either.

I suspect that there is at least one narcissist in this mix, maybe several, but I can't tell who.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents would have been like your parents OP: would have graciously dealt with iLs but their joy would have been sucked out - and mine too as I know they were being imposed on by your ILs crashing. Have DH proactively say - ‘we’re spending Christmas w/Jane’s family this year. Lets find a weekend before or after that trip to celebrate with you.’ IF they suggest traveling there again he has to be firm over and over again if needed. It is an intrusion and just because they’re disappointed doesn’t mean they’re right.

This is the correct answer.

Op - yes last time they came I think my family dealt with it but their feeling is that it was non optimum.
Basically in laws feel like others on this thread do that everyone and their dog should be welcome on xmas.
Parents feel like they want alone time with us and we should swap off years.
I don’t really care either way - hosting the in laws where my parents will be is kind of a hassle. Christmas in general is kind of a hassle. All the hosting and expectations and work - eh. But we don’t have that choice bc I am not the grinch and kids still young

You don’t care either way, but what does your husband want?

If he feels strongly that he wants his parents included every year, then our advice to you will differ than in the case where he wants your parents’ wishes to be upheld.

Why would DH’s wishes supersede anyone else’s? Odd years, they travel to OP’s family. Even years, they travel to DH’s family. It’s clear, it’s fair.

Who said supercede? OP and her husband are a team, and not everyone decides as a team to alternate years. They need to come up with a plan together and it might look different than alternate years. Maybe they decide to host and invite both parents yearly. Maybe they decide to avoid the issue completely and vacation away from both in laws each year. Who knows. But no, OP’s parents aren’t the sole deciders of how they share their holidays.

DH sounds like a pansy that can’t sack up and have an awkward conversation with his parents. Who cares if he thinks it’s normal that his parents show up uninvited? OP and her parents don’t want that.
It’s reasonable, when people don’t agree on what to do WRT the holidays, each side gets a year.

Alternate sides is a great solution but it’s not the only one, and it’s a decision OP and her husband should make together. There are other options, including not celebrating Christmas with either set of parents, or hosting and inviting one or the other, or hosting and inviting both.

OP would like to see her parents at christmas and does not want the IL’s there. That is completely reasonable. She is fine with every other year. What is so hard about that concept that you are dying on this hill?

[Anonymous]

OP, what do you and your DH want to do for Xmas? Your post does not say. It is framed around what your parents want. Maybe sit down with your DH and decide what you want to do for your family?

That could be:
1. hosting both sets of parents every year
2. going to the ILs every year
3. going to your parents every year
4. do one set of relatives for Tgiving and one set for Xmas
4. Any combination/rotation of the above
5. go on a vacation

Whatever the two of you decide, just do it...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’d tell my parents to deal. If they want a solo weekend, they come at a time that’s not Christmas.

I think this is the only fair answer unless you are alternating years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’d tell my parents to deal. If they want a solo weekend, they come at a time that’s not Christmas.

I completely understand the issue of the ILs overstepping but I am not a big fan of adults demanding alone with their adult children and grandchildren on what is the biggest holiday, especially when they make no effort to have a solo weekend or an effort to visit at any other time of the year. Parents/Grandparents should make things easier for their adult children's visits, not harder. Even if that means welcome your adult child's in-laws.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents would have been like your parents OP: would have graciously dealt with iLs but their joy would have been sucked out - and mine too as I know they were being imposed on by your ILs crashing. Have DH proactively say - ‘we’re spending Christmas w/Jane’s family this year. Lets find a weekend before or after that trip to celebrate with you.’ IF they suggest traveling there again he has to be firm over and over again if needed. It is an intrusion and just because they’re disappointed doesn’t mean they’re right.

This is the correct answer.

Op - yes last time they came I think my family dealt with it but their feeling is that it was non optimum.
Basically in laws feel like others on this thread do that everyone and their dog should be welcome on xmas.
Parents feel like they want alone time with us and we should swap off years.
I don’t really care either way - hosting the in laws where my parents will be is kind of a hassle. Christmas in general is kind of a hassle. All the hosting and expectations and work - eh. But we don’t have that choice bc I am not the grinch and kids still young

You don’t care either way, but what does your husband want?

If he feels strongly that he wants his parents included every year, then our advice to you will differ than in the case where he wants your parents’ wishes to be upheld.

Why would DH’s wishes supersede anyone else’s? Odd years, they travel to OP’s family. Even years, they travel to DH’s family. It’s clear, it’s fair.

Who said supercede? OP and her husband are a team, and not everyone decides as a team to alternate years. They need to come up with a plan together and it might look different than alternate years. Maybe they decide to host and invite both parents yearly. Maybe they decide to avoid the issue completely and vacation away from both in laws each year. Who knows. But no, OP’s parents aren’t the sole deciders of how they share their holidays.

DH sounds like a pansy that can’t sack up and have an awkward conversation with his parents. Who cares if he thinks it’s normal that his parents show up uninvited? OP and her parents don’t want that.
It’s reasonable, when people don’t agree on what to do WRT the holidays, each side gets a year.

Alternate sides is a great solution but it’s not the only one, and it’s a decision OP and her husband should make together. There are other options, including not celebrating Christmas with either set of parents, or hosting and inviting one or the other, or hosting and inviting both.

OP would like to see her parents at christmas and does not want the IL’s there. That is completely reasonable. She is fine with every other year. What is so hard about that concept that you are dying on this hill?

Actually I thought OP did not care. And she is only disinviting her in-laws because that is what her parents want.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents would have been like your parents OP: would have graciously dealt with iLs but their joy would have been sucked out - and mine too as I know they were being imposed on by your ILs crashing. Have DH proactively say - ‘we’re spending Christmas w/Jane’s family this year. Lets find a weekend before or after that trip to celebrate with you.’ IF they suggest traveling there again he has to be firm over and over again if needed. It is an intrusion and just because they’re disappointed doesn’t mean they’re right.

This is the correct answer.

Op - yes last time they came I think my family dealt with it but their feeling is that it was non optimum.
Basically in laws feel like others on this thread do that everyone and their dog should be welcome on xmas.
Parents feel like they want alone time with us and we should swap off years.
I don’t really care either way - hosting the in laws where my parents will be is kind of a hassle. Christmas in general is kind of a hassle. All the hosting and expectations and work - eh. But we don’t have that choice bc I am not the grinch and kids still young

You don’t care either way, but what does your husband want?

If he feels strongly that he wants his parents included every year, then our advice to you will differ than in the case where he wants your parents’ wishes to be upheld.

Why would DH’s wishes supersede anyone else’s? Odd years, they travel to OP’s family. Even years, they travel to DH’s family. It’s clear, it’s fair.

Who said supercede? OP and her husband are a team, and not everyone decides as a team to alternate years. They need to come up with a plan together and it might look different than alternate years. Maybe they decide to host and invite both parents yearly. Maybe they decide to avoid the issue completely and vacation away from both in laws each year. Who knows. But no, OP’s parents aren’t the sole deciders of how they share their holidays.

DH sounds like a pansy that can’t sack up and have an awkward conversation with his parents. Who cares if he thinks it’s normal that his parents show up uninvited? OP and her parents don’t want that.
It’s reasonable, when people don’t agree on what to do WRT the holidays, each side gets a year.

Alternate sides is a great solution but it’s not the only one, and it’s a decision OP and her husband should make together. There are other options, including not celebrating Christmas with either set of parents, or hosting and inviting one or the other, or hosting and inviting both.

OP would like to see her parents at christmas and does not want the IL’s there. That is completely reasonable. She is fine with every other year. What is so hard about that concept that you are dying on this hill?

Actually OP has not said that she "wants" this at all. In fact, she said: "I don’t really care either way"

This post is about what OP's parents want. And OP seems to be assuming that they should get what they want.

OP needs to sit down with her DH and talk about what they want for their own family.