How to explain to Ils that parents don’t want to share Christmas

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:My parents would have been like your parents OP: would have graciously dealt with iLs but their joy would have been sucked out - and mine too as I know they were being imposed on by your ILs crashing. Have DH proactively say - ‘we’re spending Christmas w/Jane’s family this year. Lets find a weekend before or after that trip to celebrate with you.’ IF they suggest traveling there again he has to be firm over and over again if needed. It is an intrusion and just because they’re disappointed doesn’t mean they’re right.

This is the correct answer.

Op - yes last time they came I think my family dealt with it but their feeling is that it was non optimum.
Basically in laws feel like others on this thread do that everyone and their dog should be welcome on xmas.
Parents feel like they want alone time with us and we should swap off years.
I don’t really care either way - hosting the in laws where my parents will be is kind of a hassle. Christmas in general is kind of a hassle. All the hosting and expectations and work - eh. But we don’t have that choice bc I am not the grinch and kids still young

You don’t care either way, but what does your husband want?

If he feels strongly that he wants his parents included every year, then our advice to you will differ than in the case where he wants your parents’ wishes to be upheld.

Why would DH’s wishes supersede anyone else’s? Odd years, they travel to OP’s family. Even years, they travel to DH’s family. It’s clear, it’s fair.

Who said supercede? OP and her husband are a team, and not everyone decides as a team to alternate years. They need to come up with a plan together and it might look different than alternate years. Maybe they decide to host and invite both parents yearly. Maybe they decide to avoid the issue completely and vacation away from both in laws each year. Who knows. But no, OP’s parents aren’t the sole deciders of how they share their holidays.

DH sounds like a pansy that can’t sack up and have an awkward conversation with his parents. Who cares if he thinks it’s normal that his parents show up uninvited? OP and her parents don’t want that.
It’s reasonable, when people don’t agree on what to do WRT the holidays, each side gets a year.

Alternate sides is a great solution but it’s not the only one, and it’s a decision OP and her husband should make together. There are other options, including not celebrating Christmas with either set of parents, or hosting and inviting one or the other, or hosting and inviting both.

OP would like to see her parents at christmas and does not want the IL’s there. That is completely reasonable. She is fine with every other year. What is so hard about that concept that you are dying on this hill?

Actually I thought OP did not care. And she is only disinviting her in-laws because that is what her parents want.

If it is what her parents want, then itnus entirely on her parents to disinvite the inlaws, certainly not the husband's job to disinvite his own parents to someone else's house.

They’ve never invited them! How do you disinvite someone you didn’t invite who just showed up?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’d tell my parents to deal. If they want a solo weekend, they come at a time that’s not Christmas.

You must not like your parents very much. My parents respect the time we spend with our ILs and understand that the other set of grandparents may want alone time with their son and grandkids just like my parents would like alone time with us. This is not an unusual thing, I don't know why OP's in-laws can't handle one Christmas without their son and grandkids. Geez!! Grow some boundaries, people.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:My parents would have been like your parents OP: would have graciously dealt with iLs but their joy would have been sucked out - and mine too as I know they were being imposed on by your ILs crashing. Have DH proactively say - ‘we’re spending Christmas w/Jane’s family this year. Lets find a weekend before or after that trip to celebrate with you.’ IF they suggest traveling there again he has to be firm over and over again if needed. It is an intrusion and just because they’re disappointed doesn’t mean they’re right.

This is the correct answer.

Op - yes last time they came I think my family dealt with it but their feeling is that it was non optimum.
Basically in laws feel like others on this thread do that everyone and their dog should be welcome on xmas.
Parents feel like they want alone time with us and we should swap off years.
I don’t really care either way - hosting the in laws where my parents will be is kind of a hassle. Christmas in general is kind of a hassle. All the hosting and expectations and work - eh. But we don’t have that choice bc I am not the grinch and kids still young

You don’t care either way, but what does your husband want?

If he feels strongly that he wants his parents included every year, then our advice to you will differ than in the case where he wants your parents’ wishes to be upheld.

Why would DH’s wishes supersede anyone else’s? Odd years, they travel to OP’s family. Even years, they travel to DH’s family. It’s clear, it’s fair.

Who said supercede? OP and her husband are a team, and not everyone decides as a team to alternate years. They need to come up with a plan together and it might look different than alternate years. Maybe they decide to host and invite both parents yearly. Maybe they decide to avoid the issue completely and vacation away from both in laws each year. Who knows. But no, OP’s parents aren’t the sole deciders of how they share their holidays.

DH sounds like a pansy that can’t sack up and have an awkward conversation with his parents. Who cares if he thinks it’s normal that his parents show up uninvited? OP and her parents don’t want that.
It’s reasonable, when people don’t agree on what to do WRT the holidays, each side gets a year.

Alternate sides is a great solution but it’s not the only one, and it’s a decision OP and her husband should make together. There are other options, including not celebrating Christmas with either set of parents, or hosting and inviting one or the other, or hosting and inviting both.

OP would like to see her parents at christmas and does not want the IL’s there. That is completely reasonable. She is fine with every other year. What is so hard about that concept that you are dying on this hill?

Actually I thought OP did not care. And she is only disinviting her in-laws because that is what her parents want.

If it is what her parents want, then itnus entirely on her parents to disinvite the inlaws, certainly not the husband's job to disinvite his own parents to someone else's house.

Disagree. Often when IL's are out of line and it impacts a marriage, it's their child who is assigned the role of managing his parents.
OPs parents owe nothing to these people. They didn't invite them. The only reason they accomodate them is a sense of familial obligation to their daughter and her spouse. They are being put in a terrible position by his parents imposing on them. Parents need a good talking to about manners and it is certainly not OP or her parents' job to do that.

1. This incident occurred "a few years back." It is not a current issue. Nobody is currently imposing on anyone.
2. We don't have a lot of details on what happened back then, to the extent it matters. If the ILs truly showed up at the door on the day of with no notice, that is indeed incredibly rude. If, on the other hand they incorrectly assumed they would be welcomed and mentioned it ahead of time and nobody spoke up then, well everyone is in the wrong.
3. Everybody we are talking about in this situation is an adult, and everybody should be willing and able to speak up just as they would if it was a social group and not a familial group. There are no rules on who gets to talk to to who.

You could try “sure we’d love it if you could all join us at our house this year. My parents don’t want to host and we certainly don’t want anyone to feel left out at Christmas! Can’t wait to see you!”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My ILs are huge Christmas people and they love sharing it with us and the kids. A few years ago we took the kids to visit my parents in a different state and the ILs found a way to ‘be there’ and join us. The last few christmases we spent with my ILs at our house and my parents did not join bc they live far away I think they just find it not that enjoyable to visit when they have to spend that much time w the ILs. My parents are now asking for one Christmas with us without the ILs… I’m not sure how to explain this to the ILs especially bc they will likely try and fly out to where we are with my parents and join unless expressly told not to. Dh is terrible at communicating and having difficult conversations with them - ultimately he will have to be the one to deal with this but I’d love some tips and thoughts before I even talk to him about my parents wishes..

How exactly did your in-laws "find a way" to join you? Did they. just show up at your parents house uninvited??? Or did they ask if they could come and you are too much of a wuss to say no?

[Anonymous]

OP, can you give a little more details on this incident "a few years back"? It will help give informed advice on how to proceed. (So would you being clear on what YOU and your DH want rather than what these grandparents want.)

For example, did they show up on the doorstep with no notice at all to everyone's complete surprise?
Did they mention in advance that their vacation would take them past there and they would love to stop by for a few hours, and nobody spoke up?
Something in between?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’d tell my parents to deal. If they want a solo weekend, they come at a time that’s not Christmas.

This. They are being difficult

They aren’t coming to OP’s house; OP and her family are coming to their house. Why would they want additional houseguests/people to entertain and feed?!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op - the question was never about disinviting anyone. They were never invited but they came anyway and assume they will do the same if we try to visit my parents again

If that is what you anticipate, and your parents do not want uninvited guests to show up at Christmas, then it is entirely up to your parents to communicate that directly to the in laws, as the hosts, to the uninvited Christmas-crashers. It is their house, their rules, their job to enforce their house rules.

Then they have been warned and if they show up anyway and are turned away at the door, they will know why.

Your parents need to be their own messengers of bsd Christmas tidings. Not you, and certainly not your husband.

Wow, I would never, ever throw my parents or loved ones under the bus like that. ILs are not asking, they are imposing. They are in the wrong. If I knew my parents didn’t want a dynamic my ILs were creating, I would step up as a good daughter and run interference. I would invite them all to a joint family event at some other time, but make Christmas a special “turn” alternating years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’d tell my parents to deal. If they want a solo weekend, they come at a time that’s not Christmas.

+1

+2. I don't understand this doling out of the christmases. Why can't they both go to both and everyone be together? That is certainly in keeping with the Christmas Spirit. And parents need to understand that times change. This is not their Christmas in their house any more. If they want uninterrupted time alone, they do it at other times of the year.
The end.

[Anonymous]

Schedule Xmas with your parents and let it go. If your inlaws say they'll come too, be apologetic and say "oh gosh, sorry if I miscommunicated...my parents are keeping it small this year, just us."

Be prepared for their response, however you predict that might go.

[Anonymous]

The reading comprehension of people responding to this thread is terrible. People, the ILs showed up *uninvited* to OP’s parents’ house in another state. This event is NOT at OP’s house. That’s not okay. And totally reasonable for OP’s parents to not want that to happen again. And totally reasonable for OP and her family to go to see her parents for a major holiday and not have the in-laws show up uninvited again.

OP, your husband needs to tell them that you all will celebrate Christmas with them either before or after your trip.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just share Christmas. It isn’t a big deal. They can have a solo weekend any other time they want. Families like to be together and it seems cruel to tell one set of parents they aren’t welcome. Like, why???

Because it's a strain on the other parents. Some people don't like hosting large groups. It's very, very rude to show up unexpectedly on a holiday and it indicates that the ILs are likely oblivious boundary-tramplers and unpleasant to be around. OP's parents want to focus on their grandkids, not host people they barely know and don't really like. That is why.

From OP's description, her parents don't attend Christmas at her house because the ILs are present. Some people just have a stingy spirit. Just the way it is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just share Christmas. It isn’t a big deal. They can have a solo weekend any other time they want. Families like to be together and it seems cruel to tell one set of parents they aren’t welcome. Like, why???

Because it's a strain on the other parents. Some people don't like hosting large groups. It's very, very rude to show up unexpectedly on a holiday and it indicates that the ILs are likely oblivious boundary-tramplers and unpleasant to be around. OP's parents want to focus on their grandkids, not host people they barely know and don't really like. That is why.

From OP's description, her parents don't attend Christmas at her house because the ILs are present. Some people just have a stingy spirit. Just the way it is.

Stingy is a gross way to describe OP’s parents. My parents prefer not to spend time with my IL’s because they are nosy, gossipy, and cheap. It’s not unreasonable for OP’s parents to not want to spend time with the IL’s (who lack social graces and wormed their way into the holiday festivities once year).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’d tell my parents to deal. If they want a solo weekend, they come at a time that’s not Christmas.

+1

+2. I don't understand this doling out of the christmases. Why can't they both go to both and everyone be together? That is certainly in keeping with the Christmas Spirit. And parents need to understand that times change. This is not their Christmas in their house any more. If they want uninterrupted time alone, they do it at other times of the year.
The end.

Do you really not get that—unless OP and her husband are both only children—there are very likely other siblings and other grandkids at play? I like how your solution is “just have it all together” at what, the exclusion of other siblings and their spouses and kids, and THEIR in-laws?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just share Christmas. It isn’t a big deal. They can have a solo weekend any other time they want. Families like to be together and it seems cruel to tell one set of parents they aren’t welcome. Like, why???

Because it's a strain on the other parents. Some people don't like hosting large groups. It's very, very rude to show up unexpectedly on a holiday and it indicates that the ILs are likely oblivious boundary-tramplers and unpleasant to be around. OP's parents want to focus on their grandkids, not host people they barely know and don't really like. That is why.

From OP's description, her parents don't attend Christmas at her house because the ILs are present. Some people just have a stingy spirit. Just the way it is.

Stingy is a gross way to describe OP’s parents. My parents prefer not to spend time with my IL’s because they are nosy, gossipy, and cheap. It’s not unreasonable for OP’s parents to not want to spend time with the IL’s (who lack social graces and wormed their way into the holiday festivities once year).

OP, who has been back a few times, has not described her in-laws in this way. She has described them as "huge Christmas people and they love sharing it with us and the kids." So yes, in comparison to her in-laws, OP's parents have a stingy Christmas spirit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’d tell my parents to deal. If they want a solo weekend, they come at a time that’s not Christmas.

+1

+2. I don't understand this doling out of the christmases. Why can't they both go to both and everyone be together? That is certainly in keeping with the Christmas Spirit. And parents need to understand that times change. This is not their Christmas in their house any more. If they want uninterrupted time alone, they do it at other times of the year.
The end.

Like when Mary and Joseph forced themselves into a crowded inn rather than politely staying out by the manger? Come on. Forcing yourself on people who don't want you is not in keeping with the Christmas spirit at all. They could have asked permission, but they didn't because they wanted to manipulate and use social pressure to get what they want. Rude, rude, rude. Rudeness is not the Christmas spirit. "The end."

The parents dont want them there, but you can't disinvite uninvited people if you don't know they are coming. The OP doesn't want them there either. Time for the DH to act like an adult and speak to his parents, or the OP can do it for them.