No positive moments with hateful DD?

[Anonymous]

I am sorry op. This sounds hard. I'd recommend looking into boarding schools nearby together. Give her some choice and voice in the process and see where you land. Some kids just need a little more independence than others.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am sorry op. This sounds hard. I'd recommend looking into boarding schools nearby together. Give her some choice and voice in the process and see where you land. Some kids just need a little more independence than others.

NO NO NO. Sending her DD off to boarding school will literally feel to DD like she's been "thrown away". OP has a LOT more work to do on figuring out WHY her DD is like this. Sending her off to boarding school makes OP's days quieter and calmer, but also pretty much insures her DD is screwed for life, or at least until she's old enough and hopefully self-sufficient enough to spend a lot of money on good counseling.

OP would be taking the easy, irresponsible way out to just send her off, when she and her DD have been on this path for 10 yrs and OP has not figured out her part of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If your goal is having a healthy relationship with your daughter, you need some professional help to understand what is going on with her and your family dynamics.

This. You need to work through this and make every effort to try to repair it before she becomes adult. She may just have a difficult temperament, but she is yours and you want to try everything possible.

I agree with staying neutral and calm when she is combative, but I would not say anything that sounds like a threat. If she makes a request you find unreasonable I might offer to discuss when she is calmer, but I would be careful not to escalate things in the heat of the moment,

[Anonymous]

I mean what's the end goal here OP? If it's to have a better relationship with your daughter then you BOTH need to put in the time/work. She's still a child. Her brain is still developing. Just because therapy didn't work before doesn't mean it wouldn't now. You both should be seeing therapists separately, then together once you're in the right frame of mind.

If you're "done" with the relationship then sure, shipping her off to a relative or boarding school would work. That is going to mess her up further though.

[Anonymous]

I am somewhat skeptical of therapy generally, but please find her a good therapist and don't give up on her. I was mean to my mom consistently throughout childhood, a lot of it was just personality clash between my more aggressive personality and her timid but stubborn, people-pleasing personality, but we are close now and I regret my actions.

[Anonymous]

Do you have other children? If so, what is your relationship with them?

There are so many things that could be happening here. We can’t tell you what is wrong.

I’d start by calling your pediatrician and getting a referral for a family therapist. Then make and appointment. A good one will not have an opening for a while so go ahead and get on the list. Also get a referral for a child psychologist and get on that waitlist.

Your child might have some sort of personality disorder or you might or neither. We don’t know.

Until you get into therapy try to do one fun activity a week with your daughter- just the two of you. Something you both will like. Like a movie, bowling, ice skating. Something fun. Try not to talk about too much other than the activity you are doing.

Did anything happen when she was two? Did you have another child? Move? Go back to work?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you have other children? If so, what is your relationship with them?

There are so many things that could be happening here. We can’t tell you what is wrong.

I’d start by calling your pediatrician and getting a referral for a family therapist. Then make and appointment. A good one will not have an opening for a while so go ahead and get on the list. Also get a referral for a child psychologist and get on that waitlist.

Your child might have some sort of personality disorder or you might or neither. We don’t know.

Until you get into therapy try to do one fun activity a week with your daughter- just the two of you. Something you both will like. Like a movie, bowling, ice skating. Something fun. Try not to talk about too much other than the activity you are doing.

Did anything happen when she was two? Did you have another child? Move? Go back to work?

I think this is great advice, this and most of the advice on this last page of the convo. I hope OP sees it and takes as much of it seriously as she can.

Just on the last question you ask though, if something happened at 2 yrs old, it's a good question to ask, but the incredibly likely answer is simply that "toddlerhood happened at 2 yrs old". Babies aren't necessarily easy, but many child development experts say that if you had to pick the 2 most determinative years in a child's life in terms of development, i.e. the 2 yrs that - whether things go well or badly, will have the most influence on WHO that child grows to be - it's years 0-2. 2 yrs old is where their personality starts to REALLY present, even though it's still very much in development. But it's also the years where a parent who is either struggling, overwhelmed, mentally not well themself, or a zillion other issues, it's where they may grow to not like their child or start blaming their child for being difficult or evil, when 2 yrs old is literally the first age they can talk to a degree, and SOUND like htey are fully in command of their actions and choices, but they are so NOT truly in control. It's called "The Terrible Twos" for a reason. When I worked in child welfare, the age that most of the child deaths happened I'm sorry to say, is 2-3 yrs old. So given OP's very blaming (on her DD) language and so far total silence on exploring what responsibility she or her DH might play in why DD is acting as she is, I'd say what happened at 2 is simply that whatever happened between 0-2 started to really manifest.

[Anonymous]

Why don't you just ask her why is she so rude to you?

[Anonymous]

I feel much empathy, DD, because I know how awful it can be to live in a family situation where one child's fury is dictating things. But she has 100% picked up on your "I'm done" energy and that may even cause her to double-down on her anger and aggression. She's 12, so she doesn't have the emotional literacy to understand what she is feeling or how she is acting and she doesn't even have the ability to control it right now. She needs YOUR committed help to do that. Family therapy is the first stop, to figure out what kind of dynamics are at work among you. Then individual therapy referrals.

The patterns are deeply worn in and you all will need a lot of work to break out of them, but you and your DH can change this trajectory to better support your DD and you as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I mean what's the end goal here OP? If it's to have a better relationship with your daughter then you BOTH need to put in the time/work. She's still a child. Her brain is still developing. Just because therapy didn't work before doesn't mean it wouldn't now. You both should be seeing therapists separately, then together once you're in the right frame of mind.

If you're "done" with the relationship then sure, shipping her off to a relative or boarding school would work. That is going to mess her up further though.

She was just in therapy this school year. Again. Went nowhere. We tried a few therapists, got neuropsych testing, it's just not moving the needle. At all. She was just screaming at me for hanging up her laundry. There's nothing I can do to avoid her rage. It's almost Every.Single.Interaction. To be more specific, these are times screams at me every day:

- Wake up

- Getting to school

- Sitting down to dinner - She demands eating alone in dining room. We must wait for her to finish eating before we can eat. We sound too annoying chewing and any talking is too irritating to her. Frankly, I'm tired of trying to eat while being screamed at the entire time. That's dinner time here every single day.

- If I need to put laundry in her room or ever enter

- Time to bathe before bed

- Bed time.

It's most of our interaction - her screaming at me. I'm trying to think of a type of interaction where she doesn't scream at me. . I guess when I put her food on the table and patiently wait for her to finish her meal so I can enter, or sometimes if we go to a store she really likes. For a long time, I couldn't take her to restaurants or parties because it was too embarrassing her screaming - and physically attacking me - in front of other parents. If I could afford boarding school, her bags would be packed yesterday.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I mean what's the end goal here OP? If it's to have a better relationship with your daughter then you BOTH need to put in the time/work. She's still a child. Her brain is still developing. Just because therapy didn't work before doesn't mean it wouldn't now. You both should be seeing therapists separately, then together once you're in the right frame of mind.

If you're "done" with the relationship then sure, shipping her off to a relative or boarding school would work. That is going to mess her up further though.

She was just in therapy this school year. Again. Went nowhere. We tried a few therapists, got neuropsych testing, it's just not moving the needle. At all. She was just screaming at me for hanging up her laundry. There's nothing I can do to avoid her rage. It's almost Every.Single.Interaction. To be more specific, these are times screams at me every day:

- Wake up

- Getting to school

- Sitting down to dinner - She demands eating alone in dining room. We must wait for her to finish eating before we can eat. We sound too annoying chewing and any talking is too irritating to her. Frankly, I'm tired of trying to eat while being screamed at the entire time. That's dinner time here every single day.

- If I need to put laundry in her room or ever enter

- Time to bathe before bed

- Bed time.

It's most of our interaction - her screaming at me. I'm trying to think of a type of interaction where she doesn't scream at me. . I guess when I put her food on the table and patiently wait for her to finish her meal so I can enter, or sometimes if we go to a store she really likes. For a long time, I couldn't take her to restaurants or parties because it was too embarrassing her screaming - and physically attacking me - in front of other parents. If I could afford boarding school, her bags would be packed yesterday.

If you're OP, and you seem to be, why are you ignoring what SO MANY here have told you, which is that the first step in improving this situation with your DD is YOU getting therapy? Because until YOU understand what is likely going on, nothing you try is going to help the situation or her. And if you try to wash your hands of her and send her away, you will have truly failed her as a parent.

Why do you not comment at all on the most common advice you got here, which is start with YOU and therapy?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

If you're OP, and you seem to be, why are you ignoring what SO MANY here have told you, which is that the first step in improving this situation with your DD is YOU getting therapy? Because until YOU understand what is likely going on, nothing you try is going to help the situation or her. And if you try to wash your hands of her and send her away, you will have truly failed her as a parent.

Why do you not comment at all on the most common advice you got here, which is start with YOU and therapy?

I'm just venting. I do appreciate all input and was planning to re-review and think on it. I am open minded to all ideas!

I've been in therapy. She's been in therapy. This school year for both of us. But I will try a new one for her, albeit with no expectations.

What struck a note with me was the comment that I am set up for failure sort of by being the parent tasked with all the most stressful times of the day, i.e., waking her, getting ready for school, getting her to shower, etc. I do wish DH could take on mornings more. He generally goes to work too early in the morning, but I am going to try to get him to do more.

And I will try more 1 on 1 activities to connect with her.

One commenter said they learned a new way to communicate with their 12 year old. I'd love to hear more. Is there a book for that?

Will get books "Hold on to Your Kids" and "Good Inside." Good Inside sounds like it will be a tough one. My DD looks and acts just like my MIL. I feel like I saw the future already rather than feeling like the future is a blank canvas. But I can always hope.

To the generational trauma poster, you thought it was my mom and grandma who were shipped away as kids. It was DH's. But maybe that plays a role in how he views the situation as sort of normal and no big deal. Him and his father often say, about just about anything, don't worry, everything is gonna be just fine.

This really hit home - "It's probably because they feel safe with us. The good news is she can regulate her emotions better with people she does not feel safe with. That is a start and some teens can’t even do that." I know there is a lot of truth in this. A piece of the puzzle for sure.

DBT, will look into it.

Nothing major happened at age 2. No life changes or work change. Her hearing was not good until ear tubes at age 3 though, so it may have hindered her ability to communicate at age 2, thereby making the 2s uber terrible.

Any other book recs?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My sister is you OP.

She has a 13-year-old DD that she hates with a passion. And boy does my neice know she's known since she was around five.

I am saying this with kindness, she did this to her child. She is the problem She refuses to understand all the situations that lead to her child hating her.

No one ever said parenting was easy and every child is different.

In my sisters case she wanted a petite cheerleader popular daughter, what she got was a daughter that looks exactly like her dad and has a personality like him or his family. A nerd a lovely funny smart loving nerd.

I am just letting you know you are not the only one feeling this way however you need help working through this you are the parent your child is a child.

This behavior was caused by you.

You are a jerk

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Guys this is obviously a troll

Plus 1

[Anonymous]

Boarding school and summer camps.