No positive moments with hateful DD?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DD hates me. She is hostile with me, like yells back at me if I interact with her, unless she is asking me for something, and sometimes she is violent. I never want to be around her. She has been this way since age 2, now age 12. Combative with me from the moment she wakes up, but not with others. I am at the point today that I would consider sending her to live with an aunt or grandparent if they would take her because she clearly hates me. Any other moms have this experience? Any insights? I tried therapy twice for her, but went nowhere.

Sorry OP. I feel your pain.

Yes I experience similar dynamics but to a lesser extent though.

It is probably because they feel safe with us.

The good news is she can regulate her emotions better with people she does not feel safe with. That is a start and some teens can’t even do that .

My DD has personal therapy now and we have family Therapy.

The DBT handbook for teens and parents is helpful.

I would definitely Consider summer with a family Member if they get on and your DD agrees.

Best wishes finding a way that works for you .

[Anonymous]

OP i'm very sorry for this. I have a kid with SN so i've been in the thick of therapies etc for 10 years, so from my perspective it just seems so obvious that your kid has additional needs.

There's a SN developmental pediatrician in DC, Dr. Shapiro, who does workshops for parents of SN kids. We went to a series when DS was 4, and i remember the first thing he said to the group of us was that NO child behaves badly because they want to. They do it because they're struggling; either with diagnosable things, trauma, not having their needs met, etc. But kids aren't shits just for the fun of it. They don't want to be shits. But they're that way beacuse they don't have the right tools to be happy.

It is sad that you say it's been this way for 10 years, since she was 2. If an adult carried that much anger, anxiety, or aggression towards basic interactions, wouldn't we encourage them to seek treatment? Talk therapy, create new habits, contemplate anti anxiety medications or ADHD medications or other possible treatments? Why would you withhold the same benefit to your kid, who is clearly struggling?

[Anonymous]

Boarding school or military school

[Anonymous]

Again, OP is blaming this all on her child and her grandmother (OP's mom). While it is indeed likely OP's mom raised OP in a way that made it hard to pass on what OP herself likely didn't get, her child was not born or didn't decide at 2 she hates her mom. That is NOT how child development works.

OP start with you. You need to seriously talk to a professional and hear from someone else the likely path you and your daughter have taken to arrive where you are. If you refuse to accept that you need to be in a better place before you'll be able to help her, then you're just bringing an escalation of your current dynamics on you.

Everyone else, it's also possible OP is a troll. If OP doesn't respond to the posts that thoughtfully, clearly try to help her understand how likely it is that - if this is a real situation - she has fed it from pre-natal to now and she asking for help for HER (and then her daughter after) is key - then I call TROLL. Just writing alarming stuff to stir everyone up and getting us arguing.

[Anonymous]

Where did she learn this behavior? I think you need to do some self reflection.

[Anonymous]

She’s likely upset about school or social things and letting it out in you. Start digging in there, ask her advisor and monitor phone usage and social media.

[Anonymous]

Any asd or adhd in the family? She may be suffering and transferring her anxiety or depression to outbursts at home.

[Anonymous]

This sounds like my DC who has borderline personality disorder. (Which can be genetic, so other family members having similar struggles makes sense.) Get to a DBT practice. Get parent therapy for you, individual therapy for your daughter, learn to set boundaries and give attention to effective, positive behavior. There is hope, but it’s hard work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What does your spouse say? In this situation, I would drop the reigns and have your spouse take over with this kid. Don’t engage. If she asks you for something, either give it to her if it’s reasonable/a need. If it’s a want (ride to friends house, etc.) just let her know in a very neutral way that you don’t do favors for people who treat you like garbage and to go and ask someone else.

I also don’t do favors for people who treat me like garbage. I get better behavior when I remind him. I was mean to my mother ages 12-15, and she is the most wonderful woman. Some kids are just a holes due to hormones.

[Anonymous]

Troll troll troll.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My sister is you OP.

She has a 13-year-old DD that she hates with a passion. And boy does my neice know she's known since she was around five.

I am saying this with kindness, she did this to her child. She is the problem She refuses to understand all the situations that lead to her child hating her.

No one ever said parenting was easy and every child is different.

In my sisters case she wanted a petite cheerleader popular daughter, what she got was a daughter that looks exactly like her dad and has a personality like him or his family. A nerd a lovely funny smart loving nerd.

I am just letting you know you are not the only one feeling this way however you need help working through this you are the parent your child is a child.

This behavior was caused by you.

Her grandmother was dropped off at an orphanage due to combative behavior. Her mother, so the great-grandmother, was shipped away by her parents at age 16. It ain't me.

So your great grandmother was "shipped away" by her own parents at 16. So probably she didn't get a lot of love and guidance from them. Then she had her own child. Is it any surprise that she was so overwhelmed by parenting that child (having not been properly parented herself), that she gave up and left her at an orphanage. It is so hard to parent when you haven't really grown up yourself, and have no support from your own family.

Then this woman, who was abandoned by her mother, who was abandoned by her parents, raised you. That is a lot to take on. I would venture that you have your own scars from childhood. I wonder if when your child entered the normal developmental phase of pushing back and saying "no" at age 2 (ALL children go through this, it is pretty much universal), it triggered some memories from your own childhood of not being listened to, not being heard, and you started parenting from that wounded place of a child who didn't get what she needed, instead of an adult who understands that her role is to shepherd this child into understanding of boundaries and limits and self-reliance. You didn't get that kind of guidance, and then you were in the position of needing to provide it to someone else. It is a tough situation.

I say this with love, as someone who has similar generational scars in my own family. I had to learn to re-parent myself in order to be the parent my own child needs. It is hard. But when you do it, it's so powerful. When I show my DD unconditional love and give to her what I did not receive from my own parents as a child (understanding, empathy, patience, accountability), it almost feels like I am also giving it to myself. And now my DD is not this combative, angry child. She is happy and secure because she feels loved and safe in her home. We have broken the the chain of poor parenting and emotional immaturity. It is the single greatest achievement of my life, even though it is invisible to many people because they take it for granted that children will have loving parents. You and I know that's not always true, don't we?

It is not to late for you or your daughter. I think therapy, parenting classes, and a new perspective on what your daughter needs from you is what is in order. Your daughter is not genetically predisposed to be difficult. And you aren't wholly to blame for the situation either. You are both trapped in a generational trauma and you both need love and understanding. As the adult, though, the responsibility to find a way out of this dynamic lies with you. Sign up for a parenting class. See where it leads. Try talking to someone about your own childhood and how it might impact how you parent your DD. Just give it a shot. Things can't get worse, right? This might make it better. I've been where you are. It helped me.

Good luck to you and to your DD.

+1

This, OP. Get help for you, also get help for your daughter, separately - and maybe marriage counseling, so DH can step up. The latter is important, because if your DH comes from an unhealthy family (mentally ill and/or triangulation, narcissism, I could go on) then you need to work together. If DH works against you, you can give up on him, but not your daughter. She needs you.

My best friend had this situation and her tween DD broke her nose, over basically nothing, while her DH sat right there and watched, and did nothing. She will never look at that man the same again - his family has enormous problems that she could never begin to solve, or even understand, and he grew up in a hostile household, so this was normal for him. Drama and strife and triangulation ruled the day for him, he knew no different. My friend got help for herself, and also separately for her daughter. They needed someone to look out for them, and it wasn't her DH (who is also the DD's father!). He was of no use, because of his negative background.

Stay safe, create loving boundaries, and get help. You got this, OP.

These above 2 posts are really the best advice I've seen on DCUM in ages, on any topic, but especially this one. Clear, absolutely true (I work with therapists and families in crisis), and honestly, if OP comes here and replies to some messages but not to these, OP either doesn't really want help or is a troll. OP this is the most relevant productive advice you're gonna get on DCUM. What do you think about what's been said in these 2 posts?

+1. Excellent understanding and advice here. I am the adoptive mother of a daughter your daughter's age. Things were very difficult until I accepted that ONE of the factors in her attachment disorder (this is likely what your daughter has) was me. Things did not get better until I accepted how I had to change. I was a good mother to my other children, but had to be a very different kind of mother to my DD. She needed much more, had god knows what going on chemically and genetically (she was adopted from an orphanage in Ethiopia so we had no family history), she came to us as a bottomless pit of need and trauma and fear and needed 10 times the amount of love, kindness, consideration, understanding, etc than my biological children.

Things got better when I shifted to just understanding her, loving her, and establishing a relationship with her regardless of her shitty behavior. And when I could understand that her behavior was all coming from a place of fear even as it sounded like she was just being a brat.

Attachment therapy is good, but sometimes controversial. Look into The Nurtured Heart Approach as a way to reconnect with your daughter. I wish you both the best of luck. I knew something had to change if she was going to have any chance of a happy life and I will continue to do whatever that takes because she is a wonderful person that deserves happiness and a good life despite her traumatic beginning.

[Anonymous]

You are her safe person. My guess is anxiety and/or depression and she is holding it together with everyone else.

[Anonymous]

Please reflect about how your behavior might affect hers. And please get family therapy.

[Anonymous]

OP we've had some challenging behaviour with my DD but not as bad as yours. Things that helped are

- My DD has anxiety that manifests as aggression. We are doing the SPACE method which has helped her a lot.
- She benefits from a LOT of exercise
- I did the KAZDIN method with her which also worked. i.e. set up small rewards and ignore bad behaviour when you can
- Make sure she eats regular and healthy food. She acts up when shes hungry. Sitting down as a family to eat helps with this
- Work on myself as well and acknowledge that I am part of the problem as well.
- Limit social media big time

[Anonymous]

Family Therapy ASAP and an evaluation to figure out why she is like this. This is not normal behavior. There is a reason she is acting out and specifically targeting you. And stop being a doormat. It sounds like you allow this behavior when you say she only comes to you when she wants something. I am guessing you give her what she wants.