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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]

If you're OP, and you seem to be, why are you ignoring what SO MANY here have told you, which is that the first step in improving this situation with your DD is YOU getting therapy? Because until YOU understand what is likely going on, nothing you try is going to help the situation or her.  And if you try to wash your hands of her and send her away, you will have truly failed her as a parent.

Why do you not comment at all on the most common advice you got here, which is start with YOU and therapy?[/quote]

I'm just venting.  I do appreciate all input and was planning to re-review and think on it.  I am open minded to all ideas!

I've been in therapy.  She's been in therapy.  This school year for both of us.  But I will try a new one for her, albeit with no expectations.

What struck a note with me was the comment that I am set up for failure sort of by being the parent tasked with all the most stressful times of the day, i.e., waking her, getting ready for school, getting her to shower, etc.  I do wish DH could take on mornings more.  He generally goes to work too early in the morning, but I am going to try to get him to do more.

And I will try more 1 on 1 activities to connect with her.

One commenter said they learned a new way to communicate with their 12 year old.  I'd love to hear more.  Is there a book for that?

Will get books "Hold on to Your Kids" and "Good Inside."  Good Inside sounds like it will be a tough one.  My DD looks and acts just like my MIL.  I feel like I saw the future already rather than feeling like the future is a blank canvas.  But I can always hope.

To the generational trauma poster, you thought it was my mom and grandma who were shipped away as kids.  It was DH's.  But maybe that plays a role in how he views the situation as sort of normal and no big deal.  Him and his father often say, about just about anything, don't worry, everything is gonna be just fine.

This really hit home - "It's probably because they feel safe with us.  The good news is she can regulate her emotions better with people she does not feel safe with. That is a start and some teens can’t even do that."  I know there is a lot of truth in this.  A piece of the puzzle for sure.

DBT, will look into it.

Nothing major happened at age 2.  No life changes or work change.  Her hearing was not good until ear tubes at age 3 though, so it may have hindered her ability to communicate at age 2, thereby making the 2s uber terrible.

Any other book recs?

[/quote]

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