No positive moments with hateful DD?

[Anonymous]

I would move out

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My sister is you OP.

She has a 13-year-old DD that she hates with a passion. And boy does my neice know she's known since she was around five.

I am saying this with kindness, she did this to her child. She is the problem She refuses to understand all the situations that lead to her child hating her.

No one ever said parenting was easy and every child is different.

In my sisters case she wanted a petite cheerleader popular daughter, what she got was a daughter that looks exactly like her dad and has a personality like him or his family. A nerd a lovely funny smart loving nerd.

I am just letting you know you are not the only one feeling this way however you need help working through this you are the parent your child is a child.

This behavior was caused by you.

Maybe this is going on with your sister, but that doesn’t mean this is OP’s situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My sister is you OP.

She has a 13-year-old DD that she hates with a passion. And boy does my neice know she's known since she was around five.

I am saying this with kindness, she did this to her child. She is the problem She refuses to understand all the situations that lead to her child hating her.

No one ever said parenting was easy and every child is different.

In my sisters case she wanted a petite cheerleader popular daughter, what she got was a daughter that looks exactly like her dad and has a personality like him or his family. A nerd a lovely funny smart loving nerd.

I am just letting you know you are not the only one feeling this way however you need help working through this you are the parent your child is a child.

This behavior was caused by you.

You are a jerk

+1 It's obvious the PP has no idea what she's talking about. I started and just skimmed because the input was so useless and self serving. PP should work out why she hates her own sister so much and stop giving crap advice to strangers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DD hates me. She is hostile with me, like yells back at me if I interact with her, unless she is asking me for something, and sometimes she is violent. I never want to be around her. She has been this way since age 2, now age 12. Combative with me from the moment she wakes up, but not with others. I am at the point today that I would consider sending her to live with an aunt or grandparent if they would take her because she clearly hates me. Any other moms have this experience? Any insights? I tried therapy twice for her, but went nowhere.

Look at family therapy approaches. You are likely to have to completely reshape and reframe your relationship with her, and likely work on the larger dynamics.

The fact that your daughter behaves 'appropriatly' with others is actaully a good sign, because it means that it is possible for her to do so.

I'm sorry you are dealing with this, op.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I mean what's the end goal here OP? If it's to have a better relationship with your daughter then you BOTH need to put in the time/work. She's still a child. Her brain is still developing. Just because therapy didn't work before doesn't mean it wouldn't now. You both should be seeing therapists separately, then together once you're in the right frame of mind.

If you're "done" with the relationship then sure, shipping her off to a relative or boarding school would work. That is going to mess her up further though.

She was just in therapy this school year. Again. Went nowhere. We tried a few therapists, got neuropsych testing, it's just not moving the needle. At all. She was just screaming at me for hanging up her laundry. There's nothing I can do to avoid her rage. It's almost Every.Single.Interaction. To be more specific, these are times screams at me every day:

- Wake up

- Getting to school

- Sitting down to dinner - She demands eating alone in dining room. We must wait for her to finish eating before we can eat. We sound too annoying chewing and any talking is too irritating to her. Frankly, I'm tired of trying to eat while being screamed at the entire time. That's dinner time here every single day.

- If I need to put laundry in her room or ever enter

- Time to bathe before bed

- Bed time.

It's most of our interaction - her screaming at me. I'm trying to think of a type of interaction where she doesn't scream at me. . I guess when I put her food on the table and patiently wait for her to finish her meal so I can enter, or sometimes if we go to a store she really likes. For a long time, I couldn't take her to restaurants or parties because it was too embarrassing her screaming - and physically attacking me - in front of other parents. If I could afford boarding school, her bags would be packed yesterday.

Get Kazdin and Dan Shapiros books (his books didn't work for me but many people love him)
Try to spend special time togther, where you make zero demands. Even if you have to bite your tounge until it is bleeding. She mentioned to DH she really wants to see Megan at the movies? Say, great, I'm buying tickets for sunday at 11am for us (and not mentioning that i hate horror movies). You want an $8 sprite there? great, I'll go get it for you. oh, look they had popcorn too. Did I love the movie too? Well i enjoyed spending time with you and am glad we saw it together. I loved how the hair exploded at just the right time. etc. You might need to think about it like 'love-bombing.' You had a sucessful trip to the movies? Great, ignore the meltdown on the way home or at dinner. OP, you need to contsantly redefine/lower the standards of success.

Also think about what is actually 'necessary.' Wake up and getting to school on time are 'necessary.' Getting to school with a coifed hairdo? not necessary. matching clothes if she doesn't want it? not necessary. don't say anything unless the clothes are inappropriate to the weather. unbrushed hair? ignore. unbrushed teeth in the morning? ignore, offer a stick of gum. etc.

If dinner is a major painpoint, stop putting pressure on her to be there. I understand that these redefines success downward. Set a place for her, invite her to dinner. She chooses not to eat or eat in the other room? ignore for now. Choose not to eat? There is always yogurt and nuts (or whatever your family 'always available food is') available later, if she is hungry.

Putting laundry in her room elicits screaming? Do it when she is not there, if possible.

Bathing before bed? redefine success and take the pressure off. Maybe your DH can talk about this with her. If she is playing sports everyday-- yes she needs to bathe or shower daily. But if not? maybe only every other day in the winter, to reduce conflict. kids are gross regardless. If it is an option for you all, offer the choice of a bath or shower. Do you have two showers? Give the choice of the master shower or the kids shower. Put a special puff or something in the master shower, if that is her thing. Think about how to offer choices that give some level of power to the kid, while still helping you achive your endgoal.

Bed time: try not to turn it into a power struggle. She wants to sleep withthe light on? ok, whatever. too late? maybe meltonin could be helpful.

If she expresses wanting to go to sleep away camp, that is one thing. But definitly do not send her 'away' there or to a relative. It will only amp up the feelings of abandonment.

And please, please OP seek out family therapy help.
I'm so sorry you and your family are dealing with this.

[Anonymous]

Post in the special needs forum also, you may get helpful advice

[Anonymous]

This saying OP isn't the problem are wrong.
Op you described a genetic lineage of mental health problems and yet you do not have a diagnosis for her? Your job as parent is to maintain good health for your children - both physically, mentally and spiritually.

Start a neuropsych and speak with a psychiatrist. Not a pediatrician, not a social worker, not a psychologist. A developmental psychologist or and a psychiatrist.

Good grief

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DD hates me. She is hostile with me, like yells back at me if I interact with her, unless she is asking me for something, and sometimes she is violent. I never want to be around her. She has been this way since age 2, now age 12. Combative with me from the moment she wakes up, but not with others. I am at the point today that I would consider sending her to live with an aunt or grandparent if they would take her because she clearly hates me. Any other moms have this experience? Any insights? I tried therapy twice for her, but went nowhere.

NP and haven't read any other responses, but OP I both feel for you, and I also have so many questions. 1st off are you a single mom, like where is her dad or are there any other parent-figures in her life?

Second, as someone who's worked with families in crisis for over 15 years, these behaviors come from somewhere, and whether the parent's behaviors are part of the root of the child's behaviors, or the parent's response to those behaviors is part of the root of it, she did not develop like this over 10 yrs in a vacuum. I do not say that to cast blame on you or make you feel bad; I say that because it's essential in trying to resolve this and improve her behaviors - which at 12 yrs old is STILL your responsibility and your job as her mother - you need to face the fact that a lot of choices you probably have made or ways you've treated her or responded to her have no doubt fed her challenging attitudes and behaviors.

Some kids are also born with either mental health issues that manifest in really difficult behaviors, chemical imbalances, or some kids do just have mystery emotions and behaviors that no one can explain, though those last kind where it's a total mystery are incredibly rare cases. 99.9% of the time I am working with a child or teen with really troubling behaviors, as soon as I meet the parent it's so clear where a lot of it comes from. That is just true and there's no point in sugar-coating that.

Again, this isn't about blame. It is about FIXING it as much as possible, and to do that you can't look at her as the "Evil Satan Spawn from Another Planet". She is your daughter and you two have been on this journey since birth.

So you say you tried therapy, what happened? What did the counselors tell you was going on, and what happened that made you feel it "didn't work"? What is your background and what was your relationship to your parents like? And what does she say about her behaviors, what is her explanation for them, what does she say about how she sees you?

Those are all starting questions but obviously and much more importantly, you should probably get a therapist for yourself first, and explain ALL that you've said here and see what that therapist says. It's just like what happens on airplanes during the safety instruction: They always instruct the healthy adults to put on their own oxygen masks before helping children or people who'd struggle to put it on or get off the plane. Because if you're the healthy, responsible person, you can't help yourself or anyone else if you're passed out from oxygen deprivation. Put your own mask on, get your own therapy, so you can figure out what has to happen to help your daughter and save your relationship and your sanity.

Good luck OP, and I truly hope you and your DD progress to a much better place in the coming months.

Off topic but lord do I despise this attitude. You work with troubled families and you believe that only 1% of the population has innate mental health problems ??? You're part of the problem. These families go for help and are presented with such ignorance. Most therapists should be sending people in crisis out for psychiatric testing. Instead, they're happy to suck the time, money and energy out of people and end up with failed interventions. As long as they're getting their salary, who cares, right? Any competent medical doctor will perform tests, first, before they attempt to treat *anything!!* the mental health field is sadly and woefully unregulated and what regulations that are in place are minimal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Boarding school or military school

Sure, if Moms wants her dead.

https://www.texasmonthly.com/true-crime/a-few-bad-boys/

[Anonymous]

Test for ADHD

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This saying OP isn't the problem are wrong.
Op you described a genetic lineage of mental health problems and yet you do not have a diagnosis for her? Your job as parent is to maintain good health for your children - both physically, mentally and spiritually.

Start a neuropsych and speak with a psychiatrist. Not a pediatrician, not a social worker, not a psychologist. A developmental psychologist or and a psychiatrist.

Good grief

We did neuropsych. And 2 psychologists. Will seek another.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I mean what's the end goal here OP? If it's to have a better relationship with your daughter then you BOTH need to put in the time/work. She's still a child. Her brain is still developing. Just because therapy didn't work before doesn't mean it wouldn't now. You both should be seeing therapists separately, then together once you're in the right frame of mind.

If you're "done" with the relationship then sure, shipping her off to a relative or boarding school would work. That is going to mess her up further though.

She was just in therapy this school year. Again. Went nowhere. We tried a few therapists, got neuropsych testing, it's just not moving the needle. At all. She was just screaming at me for hanging up her laundry. There's nothing I can do to avoid her rage. It's almost Every.Single.Interaction. To be more specific, these are times screams at me every day:

- Wake up

- Getting to school

- Sitting down to dinner - She demands eating alone in dining room. We must wait for her to finish eating before we can eat. We sound too annoying chewing and any talking is too irritating to her. Frankly, I'm tired of trying to eat while being screamed at the entire time. That's dinner time here every single day.

- If I need to put laundry in her room or ever enter

- Time to bathe before bed

- Bed time.

It's most of our interaction - her screaming at me. I'm trying to think of a type of interaction where she doesn't scream at me. . I guess when I put her food on the table and patiently wait for her to finish her meal so I can enter, or sometimes if we go to a store she really likes. For a long time, I couldn't take her to restaurants or parties because it was too embarrassing her screaming - and physically attacking me - in front of other parents. If I could afford boarding school, her bags would be packed yesterday.

Get Kazdin and Dan Shapiros books (his books didn't work for me but many people love him)
Try to spend special time togther, where you make zero demands. Even if you have to bite your tounge until it is bleeding. She mentioned to DH she really wants to see Megan at the movies? Say, great, I'm buying tickets for sunday at 11am for us (and not mentioning that i hate horror movies). You want an $8 sprite there? great, I'll go get it for you. oh, look they had popcorn too. Did I love the movie too? Well i enjoyed spending time with you and am glad we saw it together. I loved how the hair exploded at just the right time. etc. You might need to think about it like 'love-bombing.' You had a sucessful trip to the movies? Great, ignore the meltdown on the way home or at dinner. OP, you need to contsantly redefine/lower the standards of success.

Also think about what is actually 'necessary.' Wake up and getting to school on time are 'necessary.' Getting to school with a coifed hairdo? not necessary. matching clothes if she doesn't want it? not necessary. don't say anything unless the clothes are inappropriate to the weather. unbrushed hair? ignore. unbrushed teeth in the morning? ignore, offer a stick of gum. etc.

If dinner is a major painpoint, stop putting pressure on her to be there. I understand that these redefines success downward. Set a place for her, invite her to dinner. She chooses not to eat or eat in the other room? ignore for now. Choose not to eat? There is always yogurt and nuts (or whatever your family 'always available food is') available later, if she is hungry.

Putting laundry in her room elicits screaming? Do it when she is not there, if possible.

Bathing before bed? redefine success and take the pressure off. Maybe your DH can talk about this with her. If she is playing sports everyday-- yes she needs to bathe or shower daily. But if not? maybe only every other day in the winter, to reduce conflict. kids are gross regardless. If it is an option for you all, offer the choice of a bath or shower. Do you have two showers? Give the choice of the master shower or the kids shower. Put a special puff or something in the master shower, if that is her thing. Think about how to offer choices that give some level of power to the kid, while still helping you achive your endgoal.

Bed time: try not to turn it into a power struggle. She wants to sleep withthe light on? ok, whatever. too late? maybe meltonin could be helpful.

If she expresses wanting to go to sleep away camp, that is one thing. But definitly do not send her 'away' there or to a relative. It will only amp up the feelings of abandonment.

And please, please OP seek out family therapy help.
I'm so sorry you and your family are dealing with this.

Will try, thank you

[Anonymous]

OP: if you did neuropsych and saw two psychologists, what is your DD's diagnosis?

[Anonymous]

Hi OP, could she have Oppositional defiant disorder? My youngest has this. Her antagonism is mostly directed at me since I’m the primary caregiver (work part time and husband travels a lot for work). I’m asking because you say she has been this way since she was 2. After raising 3 kids with no issues whatsoever, my 4th has given me stress beyond anything I could imagine. With a diagnosis it has gotten much easier. I know exactly how to react/respond (or not react/respond) to her. Her older siblings and my husband also know how to react when they see her oppositional defiant disorder taking over. Our house became so much more peaceful and DD is like a different kid. No, it’s not perfect, but we can handle it with the tools we were given. BTW,it’s not your fault if she has this disorder. My daughter acted just like what you described your daughter and I did nothing but love her like I love all my kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi OP, could she have Oppositional defiant disorder? My youngest has this. Her antagonism is mostly directed at me since I’m the primary caregiver (work part time and husband travels a lot for work). I’m asking because you say she has been this way since she was 2. After raising 3 kids with no issues whatsoever, my 4th has given me stress beyond anything I could imagine. With a diagnosis it has gotten much easier. I know exactly how to react/respond (or not react/respond) to her. Her older siblings and my husband also know how to react when they see her oppositional defiant disorder taking over. Our house became so much more peaceful and DD is like a different kid. No, it’s not perfect, but we can handle it with the tools we were given. BTW,it’s not your fault if she has this disorder. My daughter acted just like what you described your daughter and I did nothing but love her like I love all my kids.

This is exactly why judgy parents should STFU. Just because a parent was lucky and their children were easygoing and responded to rules and authority, doesn’t mean other parents were so lucky. Difficult children are born every day and loving parents have to deal with them AND be judged by other parents.