No positive moments with hateful DD?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DD hates me. She is hostile with me, like yells back at me if I interact with her, unless she is asking me for something, and sometimes she is violent. I never want to be around her. She has been this way since age 2, now age 12. Combative with me from the moment she wakes up, but not with others. I am at the point today that I would consider sending her to live with an aunt or grandparent if they would take her because she clearly hates me. Any other moms have this experience? Any insights? I tried therapy twice for her, but went nowhere.

You say that she hates you, but do you love her? Every kid deserves their parent's unconditional love. You don't have to like how she acts, but you need to love her and make sure she knows it.

[Anonymous]

She clearly needs help. Something is going on. If she is fine at school and with friends, something else is going on. Have you had her properly evaluated for depression, anxiety, ADHD, etc.? I don't care if you don't think she has any of those things, you owe it to both of you to leave no stone unturned. Seek another medical opinion or two. You cannot just give up.

Children who need love the most ask for it in the most unloving ways.

[Anonymous]

It's easy to get trapped in a cycle of negative communication with a challenging kid. And, negative communication can get worse in the teen years because it is developmentally appropriate for them to get more negative. I've really had to learn to communicate in a new way with my 12 year old DD.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like you're a big part of the problem but only blame your kid. Grow up.

Shut go

[Anonymous]

Sleepaway summer camp was a huge relief for a few weeks in our household in a similar situation. Hang in there; it will get better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What have you do so far in terms of seeking help? Have you talked to her ped or sought therapy? How does she act with other people-does she behave well at school?

Teacher says she's an angel at school. She is practically a doormat with her friends. She only hates me. Sometimes she is nasty to DH too.

This is all sounds very similar to how my sister was a kid. She eventually was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like you're a big part of the problem but only blame your kid. Grow up.

+1

[Anonymous]

My sister is you OP.

She has a 13-year-old DD that she hates with a passion. And boy does my neice know she's known since she was around five.

I am saying this with kindness, she did this to her child. She is the problem She refuses to understand all the situations that lead to her child hating her.

No one ever said parenting was easy and every child is different.

In my sisters case she wanted a petite cheerleader popular daughter, what she got was a daughter that looks exactly like her dad and has a personality like him or his family. A nerd a lovely funny smart loving nerd.

I am just letting you know you are not the only one feeling this way however you need help working through this you are the parent your child is a child.

This behavior was caused by you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My sister is you OP.

She has a 13-year-old DD that she hates with a passion. And boy does my neice know she's known since she was around five.

I am saying this with kindness, she did this to her child. She is the problem She refuses to understand all the situations that lead to her child hating her.

No one ever said parenting was easy and every child is different.

In my sisters case she wanted a petite cheerleader popular daughter, what she got was a daughter that looks exactly like her dad and has a personality like him or his family. A nerd a lovely funny smart loving nerd.

I am just letting you know you are not the only one feeling this way however you need help working through this you are the parent your child is a child.

This behavior was caused by you.

Her grandmother was dropped off at an orphanage due to combative behavior. Her mother, so the great-grandmother, was shipped away by her parents at age 16. It ain't me.

[Anonymous]

"Hold On To Your Kids" has some good advice about trying to reconnect/reset relationships.

It's worth at least carefully considering that your attitudes may have hardened as well.

[Anonymous]

Get a psychologist and psychiatrist

[Anonymous]

For individual and family therapy

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My sister is you OP.

She has a 13-year-old DD that she hates with a passion. And boy does my neice know she's known since she was around five.

I am saying this with kindness, she did this to her child. She is the problem She refuses to understand all the situations that lead to her child hating her.

No one ever said parenting was easy and every child is different.

In my sisters case she wanted a petite cheerleader popular daughter, what she got was a daughter that looks exactly like her dad and has a personality like him or his family. A nerd a lovely funny smart loving nerd.

I am just letting you know you are not the only one feeling this way however you need help working through this you are the parent your child is a child.

This behavior was caused by you.

Her grandmother was dropped off at an orphanage due to combative behavior. Her mother, so the great-grandmother, was shipped away by her parents at age 16. It ain't me.

So your great grandmother was "shipped away" by her own parents at 16. So probably she didn't get a lot of love and guidance from them. Then she had her own child. Is it any surprise that she was so overwhelmed by parenting that child (having not been properly parented herself), that she gave up and left her at an orphanage. It is so hard to parent when you haven't really grown up yourself, and have no support from your own family.

Then this woman, who was abandoned by her mother, who was abandoned by her parents, raised you. That is a lot to take on. I would venture that you have your own scars from childhood. I wonder if when your child entered the normal developmental phase of pushing back and saying "no" at age 2 (ALL children go through this, it is pretty much universal), it triggered some memories from your own childhood of not being listened to, not being heard, and you started parenting from that wounded place of a child who didn't get what she needed, instead of an adult who understands that her role is to shepherd this child into understanding of boundaries and limits and self-reliance. You didn't get that kind of guidance, and then you were in the position of needing to provide it to someone else. It is a tough situation.

I say this with love, as someone who has similar generational scars in my own family. I had to learn to re-parent myself in order to be the parent my own child needs. It is hard. But when you do it, it's so powerful. When I show my DD unconditional love and give to her what I did not receive from my own parents as a child (understanding, empathy, patience, accountability), it almost feels like I am also giving it to myself. And now my DD is not this combative, angry child. She is happy and secure because she feels loved and safe in her home. We have broken the the chain of poor parenting and emotional immaturity. It is the single greatest achievement of my life, even though it is invisible to many people because they take it for granted that children will have loving parents. You and I know that's not always true, don't we?

It is not to late for you or your daughter. I think therapy, parenting classes, and a new perspective on what your daughter needs from you is what is in order. Your daughter is not genetically predisposed to be difficult. And you aren't wholly to blame for the situation either. You are both trapped in a generational trauma and you both need love and understanding. As the adult, though, the responsibility to find a way out of this dynamic lies with you. Sign up for a parenting class. See where it leads. Try talking to someone about your own childhood and how it might impact how you parent your DD. Just give it a shot. Things can't get worse, right? This might make it better. I've been where you are. It helped me.

Good luck to you and to your DD.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My sister is you OP.

She has a 13-year-old DD that she hates with a passion. And boy does my neice know she's known since she was around five.

I am saying this with kindness, she did this to her child. She is the problem She refuses to understand all the situations that lead to her child hating her.

No one ever said parenting was easy and every child is different.

In my sisters case she wanted a petite cheerleader popular daughter, what she got was a daughter that looks exactly like her dad and has a personality like him or his family. A nerd a lovely funny smart loving nerd.

I am just letting you know you are not the only one feeling this way however you need help working through this you are the parent your child is a child.

This behavior was caused by you.

Her grandmother was dropped off at an orphanage due to combative behavior. Her mother, so the great-grandmother, was shipped away by her parents at age 16. It ain't me.

This has to be a troll. You don't accept any responsibility at all for how your family got into this situation? How do you explain how she behaves with others?

[Anonymous]

Guys this is obviously a troll