Accepting my LGBTQ children

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What if your child seems to be using their bisexuality as a coping mechanism? Dd came out as bi after getting hurt by 2 guys within just a couple of months. This turned into a very clear pattern. She will have huge crush on a guy. When it doesn’t work out, she really leans into being bi and starts to pursue girls. It seems extremely obvious. I can always predict, down to the day, when she will add the pride flag back into her ig profile. She is currently dating a girl with close ties to the latest guy she was seeing and had a very hard time getting over. As soon as he got a new gf, she started dating this girl.
Should I try to talk to her? Or maybe there’s nothing wrong with her doing this? To be fair, the guys did treat her pretty crappy, and I understand why she is leery of dating guys. I just don’t know if she is processing her pain in a healthy way.

You should not talk to her about this. I think you’re implying that you don’t believe she’s bisexual because she seems to have a specific dating pattern but straight women don’t like gay sex and don’t rebound to other women.

Yes, I realize that, which is why I hesitate to talk to her about it. I know that she would not do this if she wasn’t actually bi. That said, it does seem like she is more attracted to guys and sort of settles for girls.

Maybe she's trying hard to be attracted to guys but has to reluctantly admit she's more attracted to girls.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have zero interest in my child's sexual life. Apart from I hope they are healthy, happy, treated well.... The only people whose sexual life I am interested in are people I am romantically attracted to. What any body else does is of NO interest to me.
Your child is a soul, wrapped in a body. The genitals of the body are irrelevant. As is how your child chooses to enjoy their flesh or enjoy it with other people.

I wish you could just focus on what's important - loving the person you love, and not caring about their flesh (beyond health) or relationships. I mean really, what difference does it make?

I think this is naive. We all want our children to have lives filled with people who love them, opportunity, joy, etc. and I think it's normal to worry when you learn that they are a part of a group that, even today, faces more challenges, prejudices, and risks. Life is not fair and this country has ugliness everywhere.

Yes, because women in heterosexual relationships are so happy and safe and well-cared for. /sarcasm. OP, think about why you actually care about the sex/gender of your child's partner.

+1.

Having kids is a constant battle between expectations and reality. There is absolutely no guarantee or even likelihood that she would be better off with a man.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What if your child seems to be using their bisexuality as a coping mechanism? Dd came out as bi after getting hurt by 2 guys within just a couple of months. This turned into a very clear pattern. She will have huge crush on a guy. When it doesn’t work out, she really leans into being bi and starts to pursue girls. It seems extremely obvious. I can always predict, down to the day, when she will add the pride flag back into her ig profile. She is currently dating a girl with close ties to the latest guy she was seeing and had a very hard time getting over. As soon as he got a new gf, she started dating this girl.
Should I try to talk to her? Or maybe there’s nothing wrong with her doing this? To be fair, the guys did treat her pretty crappy, and I understand why she is leery of dating guys. I just don’t know if she is processing her pain in a healthy way.

You should not talk to her about this. I think you’re implying that you don’t believe she’s bisexual because she seems to have a specific dating pattern but straight women don’t like gay sex and don’t rebound to other women.

Yes, I realize that, which is why I hesitate to talk to her about it. I know that she would not do this if she wasn’t actually bi. That said, it does seem like she is more attracted to guys and sort of settles for girls.

Maybe she's trying hard to be attracted to guys but has to reluctantly admit she's more attracted to girls.

+1
Exactly this. This is her journey in life. Just accept her and let her figure this out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m gay. One of my sisters is a lesbian. Our other siblings (we have a large family) are all straight. On one hand I say don’t feel ashamed. On the other hand this is your legitimate feeling and I don’t want to dismiss this, but this has nothing to do with your kids. You need to see a therapist as to why you feel this way and work through it. And obviously never share this with them.

+100 to this. It's the answer. Therapy. OP sounds like she's in the "I'm fine with gay people as long as they're not my kids" camp. This is homophobia.

I'm assuming OP is gen X like me. It takes time to let go of the shame. Therapy helps. I needed it for myself. We grew up in a time where the height of gay acceptance (and apparently "comedy") was talking about gay people on Seinfeld and following up with "not that there's anything wrong with that.

We grew up in a time where Ellen was cancelled because she came out as a lesbian.
https://www.thepinknews.com/2016/11/28/this-is-how-ellens-show-got-cancelled/

We grew up in a culture where "the bad guy" in a movie is either caught at the end of a movie or killed by the police in a violent shoot out. Unless they're a trans woman. In that case, the "bad girl" (in this case) is humiliated, stripped down to her underwear (basically sexuality assaulted), and people puke because they kissed her. This was the height of comedy in the 90's.

This is why so many in gen X feel shame and embarrassment about being queer, knowing queer people, or having queer kids. You were socialized into this environment. It was systemic homophobia that was embedded in our daily lives.

I understand the systemic impacts that continue today. Obviously a big area for improvement. But things are getting better. The best NCAA Division 1 cross country runner - which means he is on the edge of being top rank world class - has openly come out as gay. It has been a complete non-event in the cross country and track world. It just isn’t an issue. His performances certainly are always discussed, which, as stellar as they are, makes sense. The kid is tough as nails and has limited sprint speed and grinds his competition away. I wonder if this contributes to his great reputation without any mention of his orientation because trust me, talented men and women in the sport think they can grind the competition into dust but incredibly few ever come close. Trans performers who go through puberty as males and compete in women’s events by contrast attract a lot of negative attention, and the IAAF is not permitting them to compete. So conflating the two groups is not helpful to gay people. I met this athlete at a UVA competition last month I was a good D1 guy 40 years ago so these guys are kind enough to talk to me - he was watching his team win as he is so freaking good he doesn’t race until mid October. What a smart delightful and extraordinary kid and again in talking to him his sexuality did not matter a bit. His team and his school which is ridiculously dominant feel the same way. Anecdotal? Sure. But there is progress.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m gay. One of my sisters is a lesbian. Our other siblings (we have a large family) are all straight. On one hand I say don’t feel ashamed. On the other hand this is your legitimate feeling and I don’t want to dismiss this, but this has nothing to do with your kids. You need to see a therapist as to why you feel this way and work through it. And obviously never share this with them.

+100 to this. It's the answer. Therapy. OP sounds like she's in the "I'm fine with gay people as long as they're not my kids" camp. This is homophobia.

I'm assuming OP is gen X like me. It takes time to let go of the shame. Therapy helps. I needed it for myself. We grew up in a time where the height of gay acceptance (and apparently "comedy") was talking about gay people on Seinfeld and following up with "not that there's anything wrong with that.

We grew up in a time where Ellen was cancelled because she came out as a lesbian.
https://www.thepinknews.com/2016/11/28/this-is-how-ellens-show-got-cancelled/

We grew up in a culture where "the bad guy" in a movie is either caught at the end of a movie or killed by the police in a violent shoot out. Unless they're a trans woman. In that case, the "bad girl" (in this case) is humiliated, stripped down to her underwear (basically sexuality assaulted), and people puke because they kissed her. This was the height of comedy in the 90's.

This is why so many in gen X feel shame and embarrassment about being queer, knowing queer people, or having queer kids. You were socialized into this environment. It was systemic homophobia that was embedded in our daily lives.

I understand the systemic impacts that continue today. Obviously a big area for improvement. But things are getting better. The best NCAA Division 1 cross country runner - which means he is on the edge of being top rank world class - has openly come out as gay. It has been a complete non-event in the cross country and track world. It just isn’t an issue. His performances certainly are always discussed, which, as stellar as they are, makes sense. The kid is tough as nails and has limited sprint speed and grinds his competition away. I wonder if this contributes to his great reputation without any mention of his orientation because trust me, talented men and women in the sport think they can grind the competition into dust but incredibly few ever come close. Trans performers who go through puberty as males and compete in women’s events by contrast attract a lot of negative attention, and the IAAF is not permitting them to compete. So conflating the two groups is not helpful to gay people. I met this athlete at a UVA competition last month I was a good D1 guy 40 years ago so these guys are kind enough to talk to me - he was watching his team win as he is so freaking good he doesn’t race until mid October. What a smart delightful and extraordinary kid and again in talking to him his sexuality did not matter a bit. His team and his school which is ridiculously dominant feel the same way. Anecdotal? Sure. But there is progress.

Someone says something about trans people. Well then, you're welcome to petition every single sports league to ban transgender players. Discussion about sports doesn't have to be brought into everything about gay or trans people. Sports are barely a part of any trans person's life. I'd wager you've made more posts on DCUM discussing trans women in sports than you've met trans women that play sports. I know dozens of trans women and zero of them play sports.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m gay. One of my sisters is a lesbian. Our other siblings (we have a large family) are all straight. On one hand I say don’t feel ashamed. On the other hand this is your legitimate feeling and I don’t want to dismiss this, but this has nothing to do with your kids. You need to see a therapist as to why you feel this way and work through it. And obviously never share this with them.

+100 to this. It's the answer. Therapy. OP sounds like she's in the "I'm fine with gay people as long as they're not my kids" camp. This is homophobia.

I'm assuming OP is gen X like me. It takes time to let go of the shame. Therapy helps. I needed it for myself. We grew up in a time where the height of gay acceptance (and apparently "comedy") was talking about gay people on Seinfeld and following up with "not that there's anything wrong with that.

We grew up in a time where Ellen was cancelled because she came out as a lesbian.
https://www.thepinknews.com/2016/11/28/this-is-how-ellens-show-got-cancelled/

We grew up in a culture where "the bad guy" in a movie is either caught at the end of a movie or killed by the police in a violent shoot out. Unless they're a trans woman. In that case, the "bad girl" (in this case) is humiliated, stripped down to her underwear (basically sexuality assaulted), and people puke because they kissed her. This was the height of comedy in the 90's.

This is why so many in gen X feel shame and embarrassment about being queer, knowing queer people, or having queer kids. You were socialized into this environment. It was systemic homophobia that was embedded in our daily lives.

Totally true.
I have a sister who has a trans kid and one thing that infuriates her is that there is definitely a large subset of Gen-Xers who do not have gay or trans kids who are “totally fine” with gay and trans people and are “absolutely supportive” of the LGBTQ+ community. And yet not a one of them actually has a gay or trans CHILD so they have NO idea how it actually feels to be a GenXer parent of a child on this community.
And it’s not like she can say anything to them when the (often condescendingly) try to offer their “support” or well-meaning advice to “just love your kid” because she knows that and does that!! But it’s such a smug thing when parents who do not love this experience try to tell other parents how they should feel. (Yes—she gets not to express all the things she feels and struggles with TO her child or even ti anyone outside of me and like one other close friend. And it’s not like she wants to feel any type of way but happy. But it’s not a simple thing. And those who know—like OP—just know.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m gay. One of my sisters is a lesbian. Our other siblings (we have a large family) are all straight. On one hand I say don’t feel ashamed. On the other hand this is your legitimate feeling and I don’t want to dismiss this, but this has nothing to do with your kids. You need to see a therapist as to why you feel this way and work through it. And obviously never share this with them.

+100 to this. It's the answer. Therapy. OP sounds like she's in the "I'm fine with gay people as long as they're not my kids" camp. This is homophobia.

I'm assuming OP is gen X like me. It takes time to let go of the shame. Therapy helps. I needed it for myself. We grew up in a time where the height of gay acceptance (and apparently "comedy") was talking about gay people on Seinfeld and following up with "not that there's anything wrong with that.

We grew up in a time where Ellen was cancelled because she came out as a lesbian.
https://www.thepinknews.com/2016/11/28/this-is-how-ellens-show-got-cancelled/

We grew up in a culture where "the bad guy" in a movie is either caught at the end of a movie or killed by the police in a violent shoot out. Unless they're a trans woman. In that case, the "bad girl" (in this case) is humiliated, stripped down to her underwear (basically sexuality assaulted), and people puke because they kissed her. This was the height of comedy in the 90's.

This is why so many in gen X feel shame and embarrassment about being queer, knowing queer people, or having queer kids. You were socialized into this environment. It was systemic homophobia that was embedded in our daily lives.

Totally true.
I have a sister who has a trans kid and one thing that infuriates her is that there is definitely a large subset of Gen-Xers who do not have gay or trans kids who are “totally fine” with gay and trans people and are “absolutely supportive” of the LGBTQ+ community. And yet not a one of them actually has a gay or trans CHILD so they have NO idea how it actually feels to be a GenXer parent of a child on this community.
And it’s not like she can say anything to them when the (often condescendingly) try to offer their “support” or well-meaning advice to “just love your kid” because she knows that and does that!! But it’s such a smug thing when parents who do not love this experience try to tell other parents how they should feel. (Yes—she gets not to express all the things she feels and struggles with TO her child or even ti anyone outside of me and like one other close friend. And it’s not like she wants to feel any type of way but happy. But it’s not a simple thing. And those who know—like OP—just know.)

People without queer kids or a queer experience definitely shouldn’t be giving advice to people with queer kids or to queer people about how they should live their lives. It’s like when your childless friends start giving advice on how to raise kids. Sometimes you just wish they would stop talking.

[Anonymous]

I have gay kids and I don't know why you'd be sad. They can still have a loving relationship. They may even still decide to have kids. What have you lost due to the body parts of the person(s) your child loves?

As long as my child's partner is kind and supportive, I do not care about what body parts they have. A hetero relationship is NO guarantee of happiness.

[Anonymous]

I have a gay child and am Gen X and it took some adjusting, and I’m sure there will be milestones that feel awkward because I expected a different wedding or whatever, but my gay child is my most traditional child. They want a life much like the one they grew up living, complete with kids and all the usual middle class trappings. My other (straight) kids may end up living lives that differ more from my own. It was a huge epiphany to realize I could just love them and that I could decide it wasn’t a “sad” thing. My child is much happier than they were when they were concealing their identity, and that makes me happy too. I have to check myself at times, but it got easier much faster than I expected. My husband and I very much like their partner and think this process of embracing our child’s identity has made us better people. You can’t rush it, but it’s so worth working on yourself and your own biases so you can just love your child and let go of all your ingrained prejudice. You’ll be happier and so will they. Suffering is a choice in this case. I firmly believe that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s ok to feel sad.
And, maybe they’ll be straight later in life if they are bi now. Or at least one of them. I would feel the same in your shoes

Wait, what?
I'm almost 60 and I've known I was bi since around 12 years old (I had no name for it back then, being in a very religious environment and growing up in the 70s/80s. But I knew something was different - why couldn't I marry a girl if I wanted to?)

Attraction is fluid and complex, but being bi doesn't give a person some sort of greater chance to become straight. That's just straight up biphobia, that "you don't *really* exist, you're just confused."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m gay. One of my sisters is a lesbian. Our other siblings (we have a large family) are all straight. On one hand I say don’t feel ashamed. On the other hand this is your legitimate feeling and I don’t want to dismiss this, but this has nothing to do with your kids. You need to see a therapist as to why you feel this way and work through it. And obviously never share this with them.

+100 to this. It's the answer. Therapy. OP sounds like she's in the "I'm fine with gay people as long as they're not my kids" camp. This is homophobia.

I'm assuming OP is gen X like me. It takes time to let go of the shame. Therapy helps. I needed it for myself. We grew up in a time where the height of gay acceptance (and apparently "comedy") was talking about gay people on Seinfeld and following up with "not that there's anything wrong with that.

We grew up in a time where Ellen was cancelled because she came out as a lesbian.
https://www.thepinknews.com/2016/11/28/this-is-how-ellens-show-got-cancelled/

We grew up in a culture where "the bad guy" in a movie is either caught at the end of a movie or killed by the police in a violent shoot out. Unless they're a trans woman. In that case, the "bad girl" (in this case) is humiliated, stripped down to her underwear (basically sexuality assaulted), and people puke because they kissed her. This was the height of comedy in the 90's.

This is why so many in gen X feel shame and embarrassment about being queer, knowing queer people, or having queer kids. You were socialized into this environment. It was systemic homophobia that was embedded in our daily lives.

Totally true.
I have a sister who has a trans kid and one thing that infuriates her is that there is definitely a large subset of Gen-Xers who do not have gay or trans kids who are “totally fine” with gay and trans people and are “absolutely supportive” of the LGBTQ+ community. And yet not a one of them actually has a gay or trans CHILD so they have NO idea how it actually feels to be a GenXer parent of a child on this community.
And it’s not like she can say anything to them when the (often condescendingly) try to offer their “support” or well-meaning advice to “just love your kid” because she knows that and does that!! But it’s such a smug thing when parents who do not love this experience try to tell other parents how they should feel. (Yes—she gets not to express all the things she feels and struggles with TO her child or even ti anyone outside of me and like one other close friend. And it’s not like she wants to feel any type of way but happy. But it’s not a simple thing. And those who know—like OP—just know.)

People without queer kids or a queer experience definitely shouldn’t be giving advice to people with queer kids or to queer people about how they should live their lives. It’s like when your childless friends start giving advice on how to raise kids. Sometimes you just wish they would stop talking.

Especially when they don't have to live with the constant swings of behavior, all the ways you can be wrong without knowing it, and having everything(!) be about the trans experience. I couldn't even lay my father to rest without having to jump through multiple trans hoops, last minute. My own grief and the grief of his 97 year old sister was supposed to take a back seat. Even when I'm supportive, I'm doing it wrong. I'm just tired now.

[Anonymous]

You might have to grieve the loss of future you anticipated, but then embrace what you have.
Loving , healthy children. You are lucky.

(And try to stop worrying about things that have not happened yet).

You love your children and know what the right thing is to do. My sense is that you will be able to cope with whatever lies ahead. It does not sound ominous at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a gay child and am Gen X and it took some adjusting, and I’m sure there will be milestones that feel awkward because I expected a different wedding or whatever, but my gay child is my most traditional child. They want a life much like the one they grew up living, complete with kids and all the usual middle class trappings. My other (straight) kids may end up living lives that differ more from my own. It was a huge epiphany to realize I could just love them and that I could decide it wasn’t a “sad” thing. My child is much happier than they were when they were concealing their identity, and that makes me happy too. I have to check myself at times, but it got easier much faster than I expected. My husband and I very much like their partner and think this process of embracing our child’s identity has made us better people. You can’t rush it, but it’s so worth working on yourself and your own biases so you can just love your child and let go of all your ingrained prejudice. You’ll be happier and so will they. Suffering is a choice in this case. I firmly believe that.

Bravo!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Most of the responses to this post are extremely disappointing and kinda dangerous. I have been looking into support resources for parents of LGBTQ kids, such as the Trevor Project. They all say that the feelings I am experiencing are ok and very common. It’s not about homophobia. It’s the fact that they now belong in an oppressed and marginalized group. I worry about hate crimes and discrimination. And yes, I have had a “movie reel” in my head if what their lives might be like. We all have, whether you can admit it or not. The reality is looking much different. It’s ok for that to take time to adjust to. This is verified by people much more educated than dcum on the subject.

I’ve known about my son for a long time and am definitely getting more used to the idea. It is easier to picture him with a boyfriend than it was in the beginning.

I do worry that my daughter is being influenced by people at school and the bad luck she has had with guys. Her college town is very liberal and most people she knows are gay, bi, or pan. She has had some very intense crushes on guys. When she has been hurt by these guys, she really leans into being bi. If she is convincing herself she’s bi as a coping mechanism, I’m not sure that’s healthy.

Anyway, some if you really need to figure out how to be more helpful next time someone expresses their struggles. Jeez. Not at all helpful to kick someone when they already feel down. Some of you with LGBTQ kids who claim to have never given it a second thought are likely in denial of their own feelings.

The bolded part is just wrong. Someone can't influence another person to be attracted to the same gender. A lot of people experiment in college. If she's straight, she'll get out of college and date only men. A straight person doesn't become bi or gay because of influences by other people. That's not how sexuality works.

You are so wrong!!! Your environment has a huge influence on how you turn out. I sympathize with OP. I would be sad if my kids were lbgtq.

Yes for some things, but not sexual orientation. That is baked into the cake.

It has existed through time and across species.

Clearly, it is part of God’s plan for this world , though evangelicals are blind to that reality (preferring to go by a book written by men bound by when they were alive).

Look around you. People with a variety of sexual orientations/identities have always been here and always will be. What changes are how they are treated and whether the majority makes them suffer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Most of the responses to this post are extremely disappointing and kinda dangerous. I have been looking into support resources for parents of LGBTQ kids, such as the Trevor Project. They all say that the feelings I am experiencing are ok and very common. It’s not about homophobia. It’s the fact that they now belong in an oppressed and marginalized group. I worry about hate crimes and discrimination. And yes, I have had a “movie reel” in my head if what their lives might be like. We all have, whether you can admit it or not. The reality is looking much different. It’s ok for that to take time to adjust to. This is verified by people much more educated than dcum on the subject.

I’ve known about my son for a long time and am definitely getting more used to the idea. It is easier to picture him with a boyfriend than it was in the beginning.

I do worry that my daughter is being influenced by people at school and the bad luck she has had with guys. Her college town is very liberal and most people she knows are gay, bi, or pan. She has had some very intense crushes on guys. When she has been hurt by these guys, she really leans into being bi. If she is convincing herself she’s bi as a coping mechanism, I’m not sure that’s healthy.

Anyway, some if you really need to figure out how to be more helpful next time someone expresses their struggles. Jeez. Not at all helpful to kick someone when they already feel down. Some of you with LGBTQ kids who claim to have never given it a second thought are likely in denial of their own feelings.

The bolded part is just wrong. Someone can't influence another person to be attracted to the same gender. A lot of people experiment in college. If she's straight, she'll get out of college and date only men. A straight person doesn't become bi or gay because of influences by other people. That's not how sexuality works.

You are so wrong!!! Your environment has a huge influence on how you turn out. I sympathize with OP. I would be sad if my kids were lbgtq.

Yes for some things, but not sexual orientation. That is baked into the cake.

It has existed through time and across species.

Clearly, it is part of God’s plan for this world , though evangelicals are blind to that reality (preferring to go by a book written by men bound by when they were alive).

Look around you. People with a variety of sexual orientations/identities have always been here and always will be. What changes are how they are treated and whether the majority makes them suffer.

Agree. Taking the long view was how I came to accept my trans child, realizing that this is not new. I remember reading Jenny Finney Boylan’s memoir 20 years ago, and of course people have lived this way all throughout history. It’s not new and it isn’t explained by Freudian theory.