Accepting my LGBTQ children

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What exactly are you “sad”about?

No wants their children to have a hard life. Being gay means being subjected to tons of discrimination. It’s ok to be sad about that.

Or, hear me out, she could make the world a better place for her child by not being the first to discriminate against them. It shouldn’t start at home. Home should be the safe place.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What exactly are you “sad”about?

No wants their children to have a hard life. Being gay means being subjected to tons of discrimination. It’s ok to be sad about that.

I’ve been out since I was in college, nearly 25 years ago. Married, 3 kids and I live in DC proper. The world is far from perfect and I won’t say that I never happens, but I very rarely encounter discrimination.

Admittedly I am a white successful wealthy man with lots of power and privilege married to another white successful wealthy man with 3 white kids whom are genetically related to to us. But the discrimination that I see in my day to day life is basically zero. And, of course, we don’t do stupid things like spend large amounts of time in Trump land.

I laughed out loud for real reading your last sentence. I definitely avoid Trump land.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What exactly are you “sad”about?

No wants their children to have a hard life. Being gay means being subjected to tons of discrimination. It’s ok to be sad about that.

I’ve been out since I was in college, nearly 25 years ago. Married, 3 kids and I live in DC proper. The world is far from perfect and I won’t say that I never happens, but I very rarely encounter discrimination.

Admittedly I am a white successful wealthy man with lots of power and privilege married to another white successful wealthy man with 3 white kids whom are genetically related to to us. But the discrimination that I see in my day to day life is basically zero. And, of course, we don’t do stupid things like spend large amounts of time in Trump land.

Thank you for this. I’m not OP but my child came out to me today. I love them and want them to be happy, but I did have a pang of fear for them, and this is reassuring to hear.

[Anonymous]

It’s ok to feel sad.
And, maybe they’ll be straight later in life if they are bi now. Or at least one of them. I would feel the same in your shoes

[Anonymous]

The safety argument for OP not accepting her daughter as bi is just bullshit. Straight women are assaulted all the time in college, mostly by men they date. She's probably safter dating women.

[Anonymous]

I see my kids and their friends and it really does look like, trump land notwithstanding, we are getting to a better place societally. As long as lgbtqia+ individuals choose a place to live that has some diversity and few trumpers, I think they will easily find their people and live as traditional (or non traditional) a life as they want. I would rather my kid be gay and have a partner than spend their life heterosexual and alone. You only get one turn around the sun and life is hard enough. I urge us all to be the best, most accepting version of ourselves. Be patient with yourself, parenting is hard, but remember that your relationship with your child is precious. Don’t take it for granted. It’s ok to be protective, but you will worry about other things if not their orientation anyway. I want to be a trusting adult for any young person I meet who lacks acceptance at home. Let’s all try to deal with our own stuff and strive to raise an emotionally healthy generation who in turn raises emotionally healthy children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The safety argument for OP not accepting her daughter as bi is just bullshit. Straight women are assaulted all the time in college, mostly by men they date. She's probably safter dating women.

Fully agree here. My daughter came out to me a while ago, she's only in 8th grade so just starting to dip her toe into the dating world, and I have to admit I feel a lot better about it being with other girls. They can be cruel and mean, for sure, but not as statistically likely to be violent and not going to end up with unwanted pregnancy from rape. We live in a red state, so that's not an unfounded fear.

[Anonymous]

NP who is getting the impression that my son might be dating a young man for the first time - he is a freshman in college. Thank you to the PP who mentioned PFLAG. It looks like it will be a valuable resource.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I have zero interest in my child's sexual life. Apart from I hope they are healthy, happy, treated well.... The only people whose sexual life I am interested in are people I am romantically attracted to. What any body else does is of NO interest to me.
Your child is a soul, wrapped in a body. The genitals of the body are irrelevant. As is how your child chooses to enjoy their flesh or enjoy it with other people.

I wish you could just focus on what's important - loving the person you love, and not caring about their flesh (beyond health) or relationships. I mean really, what difference does it make?

Perhaps, but would OP feel sad if her kid were marrying someone of a different race? That, too, makes life more difficult and yet I don’t think OP would feel the same way. I think OP is right to be ashamed of her feelings and good on her for realizing she should work to change them, it’s for her kids’ and her sake. The stakes are too high (to their relationship) to complacently say, it’s my feelings, so it’s fiiiiiiiine, it’s not about homophobia at all…sorry, but that’s bullshit. OP, you’re on the right track; keep working on it. It will pay off in the long run, no matter who your kids end up with.

Feeling shame about your child's queer identity when you would not feel that shame for them being straight is homophobia.

NP. Right, that’s what PP is saying. They’re saying it’s bullshit to deny that it’s about homophobia.

You all are being really harsh. She started this post because she loves her kids and wants to do and be better. Is this really helping? You have anger about this, and that may be justifiable, but I really wish you could be helpful without being so aggressive.

NP. Maybe people are getting tired of holding the hands of people who are supposed to love their kids unconditionally while they come to terms with their homophobia and coddling them while they work to tolerate the gays.

I'm a parent of two LGBTQ kids, 17 & 20, one of each gender. I am struggling to empathize with OP. I just don't understand why it would affect someone's feelings toward her children, aside from being homophobic. If it were an interracial relationship she weren't comfortable with, I'd be equally unsympathetic about OP having trouble accepting it.

OP really needs to figure this out, because unless she's a wonderful actor, the kids will be able to tell she's unhappy. That's going to suck for them, and it's going to affect her relationship with them and her kids' partners. I think the therapy suggestion could be helpful.

Nowhere did op say that it affects her feelings toward her kids.She’s disappointed in herself, she makes that clear.
My best friends daughter is gay and she had a hard time with it. Then her daughter got a girlfriend and my friend was surprised at how happy she was when her daughter got a girlfriend. She loved seeing her daughter so happy. So there’s that.

A gay person finds a partner and the straight people are surprised that they're happy. There's some degree of homophobia in there whether you want to admit it or not. It should come as no surprise to anyone that they would be happy when they start dating a new person. Gay people are literally the same as straight people. That's also what's wrong with the OP. You can defend her all day long but it's absolutely some degree of light homophobia, even if she realizes it's wrong. It's how she feels. It's not a tragedy to have gay kids. It's fine. We're literally normal people trying to live normal lives.

I took the PP's post differently. I thought she meant that the mom was surprised at how happy *she herself* was when her DD had her first girlfriend, not that she was surprised by how happy the DD was.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Most of the responses to this post are extremely disappointing and kinda dangerous. I have been looking into support resources for parents of LGBTQ kids, such as the Trevor Project. They all say that the feelings I am experiencing are ok and very common. It’s not about homophobia. It’s the fact that they now belong in an oppressed and marginalized group. I worry about hate crimes and discrimination. And yes, I have had a “movie reel” in my head if what their lives might be like. We all have, whether you can admit it or not. The reality is looking much different. It’s ok for that to take time to adjust to. This is verified by people much more educated than dcum on the subject.

I’ve known about my son for a long time and am definitely getting more used to the idea. It is easier to picture him with a boyfriend than it was in the beginning.

I do worry that my daughter is being influenced by people at school and the bad luck she has had with guys. Her college town is very liberal and most people she knows are gay, bi, or pan. She has had some very intense crushes on guys. When she has been hurt by these guys, she really leans into being bi. If she is convincing herself she’s bi as a coping mechanism, I’m not sure that’s healthy.

Anyway, some if you really need to figure out how to be more helpful next time someone expresses their struggles. Jeez. Not at all helpful to kick someone when they already feel down. Some of you with LGBTQ kids who claim to have never given it a second thought are likely in denial of their own feelings.

The bolded part is just wrong. Someone can't influence another person to be attracted to the same gender. A lot of people experiment in college. If she's straight, she'll get out of college and date only men. A straight person doesn't become bi or gay because of influences by other people. That's not how sexuality works.

You are so wrong!!! Your environment has a huge influence on how you turn out. I sympathize with OP. I would be sad if my kids were lbgtq.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What exactly are you “sad”about?

No OP, but this is a normal reaction. Being gay is a tough life where you face a lot of discrimination and hate. It’s understandable that parents would be concerned about that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What exactly are you “sad”about?

No OP, but this is a normal reaction. Being gay is a tough life where you face a lot of discrimination and hate. It’s understandable that parents would be concerned about that.

NP here. Being gay for some is a life where they face lots of discrimination and hate. For some the discrimination and hate is almost non existent. But being out is wonderful. I don’t have words to adequately describe it to a straight person really. It is empowering in a way that I don’t think straight people get to experience.

All in all, I’m immensely happy. Many gay people are. Hence, the question “what exactly are you sad about?”

[Anonymous]

What if your child seems to be using their bisexuality as a coping mechanism? Dd came out as bi after getting hurt by 2 guys within just a couple of months. This turned into a very clear pattern. She will have huge crush on a guy. When it doesn’t work out, she really leans into being bi and starts to pursue girls. It seems extremely obvious. I can always predict, down to the day, when she will add the pride flag back into her ig profile. She is currently dating a girl with close ties to the latest guy she was seeing and had a very hard time getting over. As soon as he got a new gf, she started dating this girl.
Should I try to talk to her? Or maybe there’s nothing wrong with her doing this? To be fair, the guys did treat her pretty crappy, and I understand why she is leery of dating guys. I just don’t know if she is processing her pain in a healthy way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What if your child seems to be using their bisexuality as a coping mechanism? Dd came out as bi after getting hurt by 2 guys within just a couple of months. This turned into a very clear pattern. She will have huge crush on a guy. When it doesn’t work out, she really leans into being bi and starts to pursue girls. It seems extremely obvious. I can always predict, down to the day, when she will add the pride flag back into her ig profile. She is currently dating a girl with close ties to the latest guy she was seeing and had a very hard time getting over. As soon as he got a new gf, she started dating this girl.
Should I try to talk to her? Or maybe there’s nothing wrong with her doing this? To be fair, the guys did treat her pretty crappy, and I understand why she is leery of dating guys. I just don’t know if she is processing her pain in a healthy way.

You should not talk to her about this. I think you’re implying that you don’t believe she’s bisexual because she seems to have a specific dating pattern but straight women don’t like gay sex and don’t rebound to other women.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What if your child seems to be using their bisexuality as a coping mechanism? Dd came out as bi after getting hurt by 2 guys within just a couple of months. This turned into a very clear pattern. She will have huge crush on a guy. When it doesn’t work out, she really leans into being bi and starts to pursue girls. It seems extremely obvious. I can always predict, down to the day, when she will add the pride flag back into her ig profile. She is currently dating a girl with close ties to the latest guy she was seeing and had a very hard time getting over. As soon as he got a new gf, she started dating this girl.
Should I try to talk to her? Or maybe there’s nothing wrong with her doing this? To be fair, the guys did treat her pretty crappy, and I understand why she is leery of dating guys. I just don’t know if she is processing her pain in a healthy way.

You should not talk to her about this. I think you’re implying that you don’t believe she’s bisexual because she seems to have a specific dating pattern but straight women don’t like gay sex and don’t rebound to other women.

Yes, I realize that, which is why I hesitate to talk to her about it. I know that she would not do this if she wasn’t actually bi. That said, it does seem like she is more attracted to guys and sort of settles for girls.