Accepting my LGBTQ children

[Anonymous]

I hate to admit this, but I am struggling with the fact that I have 2 LGBTQ kids. My son is in HS, and he has not come out yet. I found out a few years ago. At that time, he identified as bi, but I have a feeling he will come out as gay. My daughter came out as bi last year, soon after starting college. During this time, she has had some major crushes on guys, and I am her person that she shares that with. These relationships haven’t worked out yet, but we have had so much fun and bonded over these conversations. I don’t know what to do when the crush she wants to talk about is a girl. I don’t think I can be as excited and I won’t want to hear the details, if I’m being honest. Of course I will love and support my kids no matter what. But I am really sad. I never thought I would react like this, and I am really ashamed of myself for it. Any advice from those who can relate? I don’t need anyone to shame me for this. I already feel terrible.

[Anonymous]

I'd delve into WHY you can't be excited if your daughter gets a crush on a girl. Is it the old "I won't ever be a grandparent" thing? People adopt and use surrogates and sperm donors, etc. Are you grossed out by the idea of two girls or two guys doing things? That's an issue to work through. What's your block here?

[Anonymous]

Fake it till you make it. If she comes to you excited to share about her feelings, I am sure you will respond in kind, regardless of the object of her affection.

[Anonymous]

What exactly are you “sad”about?

[Anonymous]

My mom likes to hang out with my sister’s partner more than she likes hanging with my sister! My sister was always a daddy’s girl. So there’s that. You might get another girl friend that you like.

[Anonymous]

Just think of what will happen if you don't accept it. You will damage your relationship and they will detach from you. Gay or straight, they may still benefit from your guidance in navigating relationships and you want them to feel comfortable being open with you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Fake it till you make it. If she comes to you excited to share about her feelings, I am sure you will respond in kind, regardless of the object of her affection.

She won't. You'll be the last person to know.

[Anonymous]

I’m gay. One of my sisters is a lesbian. Our other siblings (we have a large family) are all straight. On one hand I say don’t feel ashamed. On the other hand this is your legitimate feeling and I don’t want to dismiss this, but this has nothing to do with your kids. You need to see a therapist as to why you feel this way and work through it. And obviously never share this with them.

[Anonymous]

I think if you don't think about them having sex it shouldn't bother you. Just think of it as them having a close, loving, caring relationship. I think we all want someone to cherish our beloved children.

It shouldn't be that hard to not think about them having sex. My children aren't gay or bi but I don't think about them having sex anyway, it's easy to avoid that. I would go so far as to say it's rather inappropriate for a parent to be thinking about their children having sex at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m gay. One of my sisters is a lesbian. Our other siblings (we have a large family) are all straight. On one hand I say don’t feel ashamed. On the other hand this is your legitimate feeling and I don’t want to dismiss this, but this has nothing to do with your kids. You need to see a therapist as to why you feel this way and work through it. And obviously never share this with them.

+100 to this. It's the answer. Therapy. OP sounds like she's in the "I'm fine with gay people as long as they're not my kids" camp. This is homophobia.

I'm assuming OP is gen X like me. It takes time to let go of the shame. Therapy helps. I needed it for myself. We grew up in a time where the height of gay acceptance (and apparently "comedy") was talking about gay people on Seinfeld and following up with "not that there's anything wrong with that.

We grew up in a time where Ellen was cancelled because she came out as a lesbian.
https://www.thepinknews.com/2016/11/28/this-is-how-ellens-show-got-cancelled/

We grew up in a culture where "the bad guy" in a movie is either caught at the end of a movie or killed by the police in a violent shoot out. Unless they're a trans woman. In that case, the "bad girl" (in this case) is humiliated, stripped down to her underwear (basically sexuality assaulted), and people puke because they kissed her. This was the height of comedy in the 90's.

This is why so many in gen X feel shame and embarrassment about being queer, knowing queer people, or having queer kids. You were socialized into this environment. It was systemic homophobia that was embedded in our daily lives.

[Anonymous]

You're allowed to feel this way, OP. No matter how politically incorrect it may be, you do not have to be doing cartwheels over your kids being LGBTQ.

It's a loss, it's a loss of the life you expected your children to have. You love them, you support them, and it's okay to be disappointed and not over the moon about it. Your thoughts about it will probably evolve as time goes on, and don't beat yourself about it now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m gay. One of my sisters is a lesbian. Our other siblings (we have a large family) are all straight. On one hand I say don’t feel ashamed. On the other hand this is your legitimate feeling and I don’t want to dismiss this, but this has nothing to do with your kids. You need to see a therapist as to why you feel this way and work through it. And obviously never share this with them.

+100 to this. It's the answer. Therapy. OP sounds like she's in the "I'm fine with gay people as long as they're not my kids" camp. This is homophobia.

I'm assuming OP is gen X like me. It takes time to let go of the shame. Therapy helps. I needed it for myself. We grew up in a time where the height of gay acceptance (and apparently "comedy") was talking about gay people on Seinfeld and following up with "not that there's anything wrong with that.

We grew up in a time where Ellen was cancelled because she came out as a lesbian.
https://www.thepinknews.com/2016/11/28/this-is-how-ellens-show-got-cancelled/

We grew up in a culture where "the bad guy" in a movie is either caught at the end of a movie or killed by the police in a violent shoot out. Unless they're a trans woman. In that case, the "bad girl" (in this case) is humiliated, stripped down to her underwear (basically sexuality assaulted), and people puke because they kissed her. This was the height of comedy in the 90's.

This is why so many in gen X feel shame and embarrassment about being queer, knowing queer people, or having queer kids. You were socialized into this environment. It was systemic homophobia that was embedded in our daily lives.

OP said she was ashamed of her feelings, not ashamed of her kids. There's a good chance a lot of this is disappoint in knowing that her chances of having biological grandchildren are now much lower. That's disappointment, not shame.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m gay. One of my sisters is a lesbian. Our other siblings (we have a large family) are all straight. On one hand I say don’t feel ashamed. On the other hand this is your legitimate feeling and I don’t want to dismiss this, but this has nothing to do with your kids. You need to see a therapist as to why you feel this way and work through it. And obviously never share this with them.

+100 to this. It's the answer. Therapy. OP sounds like she's in the "I'm fine with gay people as long as they're not my kids" camp. This is homophobia.

I'm assuming OP is gen X like me. It takes time to let go of the shame. Therapy helps. I needed it for myself. We grew up in a time where the height of gay acceptance (and apparently "comedy") was talking about gay people on Seinfeld and following up with "not that there's anything wrong with that.

We grew up in a time where Ellen was cancelled because she came out as a lesbian.
https://www.thepinknews.com/2016/11/28/this-is-how-ellens-show-got-cancelled/

We grew up in a culture where "the bad guy" in a movie is either caught at the end of a movie or killed by the police in a violent shoot out. Unless they're a trans woman. In that case, the "bad girl" (in this case) is humiliated, stripped down to her underwear (basically sexuality assaulted), and people puke because they kissed her. This was the height of comedy in the 90's.

This is why so many in gen X feel shame and embarrassment about being queer, knowing queer people, or having queer kids. You were socialized into this environment. It was systemic homophobia that was embedded in our daily lives.

OP said she was ashamed of her feelings, not ashamed of her kids. There's a good chance a lot of this is disappoint in knowing that her chances of having biological grandchildren are now much lower. That's disappointment, not shame.

I hate to admit this, but I am struggling with the fact that I have 2 LGBTQ kids. My son is in HS, and he has not come out yet. I found out a few years ago. At that time, he identified as bi, but I have a feeling he will come out as gay. My daughter came out as bi last year, soon after starting college. During this time, she has had some major crushes on guys, and I am her person that she shares that with. These relationships haven’t worked out yet, but we have had so much fun and bonded over these conversations. I don’t know what to do when the crush she wants to talk about is a girl. I don’t think I can be as excited and I won’t want to hear the details, if I’m being honest. Of course I will love and support my kids no matter what. But I am really sad. I never thought I would react like this, and I am really ashamed of myself for it. Any advice from those who can relate? I don’t need anyone to shame me for this. I already feel terrible.

OP is literally saying that she cannot feel the same when her daughter has a girlfriend instead of a boyfriend. Plenty of lesbians have biological children. It's actually incredibly common. Even gay men have them thought it's less common. Even if they were just straight, there's still no guarantee that they would have been fertile or wanted to have children. Plenty of straight couples never have kids for a variety of reasons. It's less common but I'm sure we all know some. It seems like you're personalizing this in a way that's kind of weird. Are all of your kids queer? Did this happen to you? I know at least one woman who did get biological grandchildren and still won't speak to her child because they're queer. Me. In this case, it has nothing to do with having bio grand kids. It's completely about shame and religion.

[Anonymous]

There was a thread yesterday started by someone who was disappointed her son was in an unstable marriage and planning to leave the corporate world. We all have hopes, expectations and visions for our kids and there’s nothing wrong with feeling disappointed when these don’t come to fruition. I don’t think that makes you homophonic. My grandparents were upset initially when my dad married someone of a different religion. My in laws were upset when SIL married someone of a different class. After the initial disappointment, my grandparents came to love and accept my mom and my in laws did the same for SIL’s DH.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think if you don't think about them having sex it shouldn't bother you. Just think of it as them having a close, loving, caring relationship. I think we all want someone to cherish our beloved children.

It shouldn't be that hard to not think about them having sex. My children aren't gay or bi but I don't think about them having sex anyway, it's easy to avoid that. I would go so far as to say it's rather inappropriate for a parent to be thinking about their children having sex at all.

+1